What am I thinking!

 weird things are happening lately... Not lately.. this year to be more specific

Ever since I got promoted, I felt like things were finally on track. I could clearly see the path to achieve all my dreams; and up to Nov/Dec 2022, I couldnt be more excited of everything that was to come.

Im not exactly sure what happened.. but as soon as 2023 came to be.. everything feels like its going to hell. Im fighting with all my might to get traction into my dreams; but feels like no matter what, I cant seem to move from this point where I am.

Ive been stuck in it for the last 7 months, and with each month that passes by, my soul, my happiness, my desire to grow, everything inside me feels like its dying.

such drama... but that's how it feels...

A few months back, I watched the interview of a Korean actor and he talked about some of the things he does in his day to day life to feel grateful.

Hearing him describe all the hard work he did to get to the point where he was, how everything seemed to go to hell due to some health problems, and how he was able to come back, not only back to the point where he was, but even stronger and better...it makes me think.. I should not give up

And I am not giving up...

Work does not represent anymore the place where I want to achieve a succesful career.. at least not this area where I am in. Work right now is the place where I go 11 to 12 hours per day to get my paycheck... paycheck that is allowing me to get prepared for the place where I want to be. I keep thinking about this, every time I feel like quitting.. I cant.. because that is how I pay the bill.. but with each certification, with every skill I develope... I get a step closer to that role that will give me, not only the money but also the satisfaction Im dreaming with...

Back to handsome KWB...

he says, now that he has survived those hard times, he has made it a ritual, to write down 5 things he is grateful for at the end of his day. LIttle things that before his sickness he might have given for granted, he now realizes how important they are.. and he is not letting them just pass by...

so...

I will try to make it my ritual too..

last kiss

 

I still remember the look on your face

Lit through the darkness at 1:58

The words that you whispered for just us to know

You told me you loved me

So why did you go away?

Away

I do recall now the smell of the rain

Fresh on the pavement, I ran off the plane

That July ninth, the beat of your heart

It jumps through your shirt

I can still feel your arms

But now I'll go

Sit on the floor wearing your clothes

All that I know is I don't know

How to be something you miss

I never thought we'd have a last kiss

Never imagined we'd end like this

Your name, forever the name on my lips

I do remember the swing of your step

The life of the party, you're showing off again

And I'd roll my eyes and then you'd pull me in

I'm not much for dancing, but for you, I did

Because I love your handshake, meeting my father

I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets

How you'd kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something

There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions

And I'll go

Sit on the floor wearing your clothes

All that I know is I don't know

How to be something you miss

I never thought we'd have a last kiss

Never imagined we'd end like this

Your name, forever the name on my lips

O-ooh-ooh

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep

And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe

And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are

Hope it's nice where you are

And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day

And something reminds you you wish you had stayed

You can plan for a change in the weather and time

But I never planned on you changing your mind

So I'll go

Sit on the floor wearing your clothes

All that I know is I don't know

How to be something you miss

I never thought we'd have a last kiss

Never imagined we'd end like this

Your name, forever the name on my lips

Just like our last kiss

Forever the name on my lips

Forever the name on my lips

Just like our last -

what is wrong.... with me?

 I have never felt so disconnected to  my family as I'm feeling right now

I can feel how slowly I'm drifting away... I see them struggling or into what I think must be pain... and I'm numb... I can't get myself to do something for them

For such a long time now, I have been alone, with no friends; and that was ok with me. I had my family...

I relied on them, I felt stronger because of them. All the criticism they did, of how my friends treated me, how my colleagues treated, how my boss or other people at work treated me... all of that had slowly permeated in me

All those things they repeated over an over again that were wrong.. that I should not allow other people to do to me... I realized... they were doing it to me

Realization of this hurted so much,.,

Realizing so many things I've been putting up to where first done to me by them. By the people that is supposed to love me the most. How was I supposed to put an end on this? when it is the only way of living that I have ever known...

She keeps saying things that hurt so deeply, she keeps doing things that are leaving so many scars. I try not to think about it, I try to keep repeating to my self... I must love her... I must endure all this just because Im supposed to. But there are moments when it just feels like enough.

Im numb... I'm back to that state I was 18 years ago, where I don't want words and actions to hurt me. I refuse to be in pain anymore.

I'm numb to all those words that belittle me, I'm numb to all those actions that show that everybody else is more important than me and my kid.

The sad part is... as much as this numbness helps me not to feel hurt, it also blocks me to feel any motivation to help. 

I do not wish any bad thing to anyone... I just do not have the energy to help, all the energy I have goes invested into me making it over one more day... one day at a time

I feel trapped more often than not. Trapped in this eternal moment of trying to run away but not being able to do it. Things have changed... the hope of being every day closer to that goal keeps me going. I want to leave behind that version of me that was always running away, instead, Im preparing, Im preparing to set myself free.. for once and for all

I want to do it right, I want to do it because it will be the best thing for everyone, but I wont be running away, I will be flying free to the state where I want to be, and I must stay positive.. because everyday I'm getting closer to that point. 

I don't care if they miss me or if they will regret losing me... Im not interested on that, Im not doing it to teach a lesson to anyone, I need to do this because it will be the best thing, for my kid and me.

We will be under our own rules and our own struggles. And finding our own ways to make it through

I just don't have more energy to deal with all this, I feel like a shell.. complete dead and empty inside.