kicked out

since we moved back to my dad´s house....that was like...over 3 years now, the kid has been sleeping with me, mostly due space issues, there´s absolutly no room to put another bed for him. so ever since then I havent been able to have a good night sleep, well, actually Im lynig on that one, ever since I GOT HIM I havent been able to get a good night sleep; what Ive been thinking about since then is How is it gonna be when I finally get him in his own bed? is he gonna cry for me? coming in the middle of hte night back to my bed or just yelling my name ?

and just today I was kicked out of my own bed.....

last night my mom decided was a good idea due my sickness of me not sharing the room with the kid so we will avoid him getting sick, which it made sense, so I put him to sleep and then my sis took my place, so up to there we were fine, next day it was around 8 am and he was still sleep, [ let me add this detail in case I have never mentioned this here before, he will always, let me rephrase that he will ALWAYS wake up at 6 am on saturdays] so, today before I put him to sleep he goes and say "you are not sleeping here, sarita is sleeping here with me" and then it hitted me, right in my liver....I got kicked out of my bed...out of my room...out of my kid`s sleep needs...

anyway...Im doing better now, the pills are definitely working, although there´s one that makes my whole body shake, so that is really annoying, I feel like an old person. I really hate that makes me feel so weak, but hopefuly that would end up soon :D

I was realizing something today, Ive been dying to smoke...friday night, I was feeling like if I was gonna die..right there...in the middle of my mom´s dining room trying to have some dinner...so then I thought, if I keep on smoking Ill die like this, trying to breath and just wont be able to never ever again like NUNCA JAMAS! so then I thought..Im not smoking ever again...

but Im so dying to do it right now...how sad is that....

before or after

?: souh...how´r u feelin?

me: before the pills or after the pillls?

?: oO..ehmm..both?

me: before the pills I feel like dying, after the pills I feel like shit

?: :s..ok

*-*-*-*-*

BTW, thanks to Jazz for the invite, do I have dreams? HELL YEAH! last night I had one so weird, Im just hoping I still have the whole thing in my mind once I come back from the doctor´s appointment so I can post it :D

sick at home

and I am sick...I was gonna go to work to go to the clinic and take the risk whether the doc was gonna send me home or not, but my dad told me it would be better to stay home, so I had to do what I had to do, went straight back to bed. as the day is getting warmer and the pills are starting to knock me down, Im feeling a lil bit better, at least I can sit down without having the feeling to move in slow motion to get all my bones sitting in the appropriate place or the place they rather to stay so they wont hurt.
right now Im getting some player downloaded in the notebook to go and just connect my external hdd and spend the whole day lying in bed watching movies, I just dont want to move at all so Im looking for a way to get them all playing automatically one after the other one, damn media player doesn't wanna work for me this time and this other download Im doing is taking forever, so in the meantime Im just listening to some music,one of my favorite tv shows is "live from Abbey Road" but for either reasons I havent been able to watch it lately, and its from there were I take my artist of the week, I just found one, I love blues, and while youtubing I found this song, which I love by the way, I loved it even more cause its being performed by two artist that I really like.,.,and the lyrics...well...que te puedo decir....what are the odds huh?

behold my new artist of the week Ben Harper and Jack Johnson [ooohhh I love Jack Johnson]...

Don't do me any favors
matter of fact why don't you
do yourself a few
your presence ain't nobody's blessing
I've got plenty of other things
I could do
oh no, not another excuse
your tired silly games
for me are just no use
and now it's plain for me to see
you're with somebody
that you don't want to be
so won't you
please please me like you want to
not like you have to
or won't you just go on and leave me
leaving me is the least
that you could do
you could have spared me
so much misery
and told me you just wanted
a friend
believe me there is a difference
when you mean it
and when you pretend
or was I just you habit
cause I know a habit
is a hard thing to break
but won't you spare me
a little mercy
there's only so much
that I can take
but won't you
please please me like you want to
not like you have to
or won't you just go on and leave me
leaving me is the least
that you could do

when pills are not what I need....

so, today its a holiday and I'm here stuck at work, what consumerism has done to me; good thing it was a soft day, bad part I was not able to do as much transfers as I wanted cause we were so few people in the morning that was going to show up a lot. so, as I had a few minutes in hand to do anything I was reviewing some of my personal notes, some kinda journal Ive been writing to keep a track on what's going on in my life, I have such a crappy memory that by now I don't even remember half of what happened during the weekend, and that has nothing to do with the beers I had at the beach, they did nothing but to get me sleepy and to get my mom with smoke getting out of her ears, that's always fun, specially cause they are sponsored by my dad and its not coming out of my pocket.
anyway, so I was reading that and realize its been almost a year that Ive been going back and forth on some decision making process, life can definitely change from one day to the other, and Ive notice how much Ive change, a lot of improvement Ide like to say, but some of the most important aspects in my life remain the same, I keep doing the same thing, making decisions that I will not be able to keep, being so weak to change my mind based on someone else's intervention, at this point Ive come to decide that if I could get a super power Id like to be a mind reader, that would make my life easier, period,., so this time trying to keep myself into the road Ive chosen so many times during this last year in my life, curiously what Ive decided that is supposed to make me feel better is making me feel really bad, it makes me wonder if I'm doing what I'm supposed to [ that sounds so lame ] anyway, I just hope something good will come out of all this.
things with the kid are not getting any better or worst, they are just there, I wish I could believe those people who tell me I'm a good mother, I cannot get my kid into follow instructions, its really hard when living with the master of knowledge and wisdom, who will always have the answer on how things must be done but for some mysterious reason he will keep that knowledge for his own but he will always be there available to criticize what I'm doing.
besides that, life's been doing good, that smile I see every night and that sleepy look telling me mamma I love you makes the whole day worth living, no matter how many fights and how much day could have sucked,.,that single moment, the fact of having someone who needs to grab my hand to fall asleep warms my heart and gives me the strength to go on one more day,,.,