You miss people forever

 I'm gonna miss you forever, did you know that?

I will spend the rest of my life missing you

In big ways, in small ways, in medium ways, and always.. I'm gonna miss you

there are many things that last forever but missing people never ends

even people you shouldn't miss or don't want to miss or who don't deserve to be missed

that feeling will creep in like a robber on his tiptoes

he is in there and there's nothing you can do about it

and its a beautiful thing because I know I'll never forget to keep missing you

even when the spaces between remembering and forgetting get longer

but its awful, because you only have to miss someone when they are gone

sometimes I'll miss you and I will know that is what I'm doing

and sometimes it'll be just an emptiness or an ache that creeps in 

and takes me a moment to ponder what hurts and where its coming from

my body then clues into the difference between the pain of a cut on my hand 

and the grief of you being gone and then I'll remember, and I'll miss you then too

for all my days, not everyday but in little pieces until the end of time

I am going to miss you forever and I find so much peace and so much pain in that

all at once

IG: josiebalka

3 years now

It's 3 years today.

The feeling is different. I do not cry as before. 

But I still miss you...

...Everyday...

I still have the list I created with all the places we visited, all the food we ate, all the songs we dedicated each other or sang together...

I do not want to forget

I still see you everywhere, I had never realized how many people resemble you somehow. I keep wondering what would you say if I talked to you about the things I do now

would you make fun of me for crying over a Kdrama? no doubt you would've

What would you think of me enrolling in U again? I think you would have made fun of me but would have been secretly proud of me in the inside

In your own way you never allowed me to give up or feel sorry for myself

You made me stronger and smarter and prettier...

...and dead.. my heart is dead for 3 years and counting...

what does it feel to be a writer?

 Even before the pandemic, I started to keep distance from everyone around me. To the point where, once the pandemic arrived, it only felt like my regular day to day routine. At that point I was starting my "slight" addiction to Kdramas.

I have watched so many Kdramas at this point, which I do realize is no extraordinary achievement in the world of Kdramas. I actually think Im at the end of the rank when it comes to speed of watching and the number of Kdramas covered...

anyway... that was an important point necessary for this post.. the other point is...a long lost dream of mine is to write a book or a movie screenplay. I have always had that idea in my head, so.. 

I have recently watched a Kdrama called "The third charm" with Esom and Seo Kang-Joon (those light brown greenish eyes sweet lord * insert heart eyes here*). That show started good but it quickly made me feel so annoyed by the male lead, but as I am committed to what I start... I watched it through the end.

At some point between episode 10 or 12 it made me think.. why would a writer be so mean and make a character suffer so much!? The female lead had gone through so many hardships, and still, was able to have such a nice personality. Between all the pain she has bottled up inside, she was able to pull smiles and to understand where her loved ones were coming from. WHY in this earth would they make her go through more pain and have no sweet moments for her?! why everyone else around her would find love and success but she was made to only suffer and lose her pretty dreams?!

WHY!!!

I wonder what the writers had been going through to make this character suffer so much. I couldn't hold back the tears. I pained for her. 

If someday I finally write my book/screenplay, I hope I wont make anyone suffer that much .