my wishes...

and yet, I feel like Im not allowed to break into pieces.... yet

so many things going on right now, feeling betrayed, misunderstood, hopeless, lost, yes all that and more

weird thing since I knew I had let myself go with the study, I knew what was coming, Im not the type of person who will go beg the teacher for help to increase my grades, fuck it! I did not study I deserve that 4.5 I got, but I cant help feeling angry with myself. so now, Im working my ass off to get a good grade on the next test, period

all the other things... damn, i dont even know what to think about them. every time I was forced to change I used to feel it was for good, I felt ok with the idea that things were going to be fine and that the change that was coming was going to bring good things that at the moment I was not able to visualize. now, now that Im standing at the door of this new phase I can only feel scared. feels like I have my own Mrs. Eiffel writing the lines of my life. hate to have that feeling, but at this moment that´s how I feel, like Im letting myself go to the desires of this mistery Mrs Eiffel who is rejoicing on taking me wherever she wants and forces me to do whatever pleases her. the rest, guess Im too tired to deal with it, for sure this is not the week of the month where anything has to be said, a lot, actually tons of things that need to be analyzed and seen from every possible angle, but maybe Im just to scared, busy or not interested on doing it, real life has hit to hard right now, feeling like Im on my knees already dont need that last missing punch to get my teeth on the ground...

tonight I only have 3 wishes for the author of my life who ever you are..

please kill me in a very poetical and meaningful way

make sure my kid knows I love him with all my heart and that he is the best thing could have ever happened to me

and please please let me read the draft so I can stop worrying and just live my last days enjoying the most possible with my kid..

those are my wishes...

about the things I think when I should be paying attention to my TIC IV class

there are moments in life, when for some reason we feel the need to stop, realize where we are standing, what we are doing, and where are we coming from.
its interesting to see, how our life has been changing, how we have moved from one stage to another in life without either planning or asking for it.
Lately, Ive been feeling so old, bringing up memories of times when everything looked so blurry and images had no sound, feels weird to have that as the image of those "old times" when being irresponsible just felt natural, now, Ive been left to hear the half-stories of the new young "irresponsible" kids, when there´s nothing left but to laugh and think "ouh, I used to do that too".

although there still fun, a different type, but always a good one,. finding joy on simple things that were taken for granted before.trying to keep in mind that the bank account is running shorter and shorter, non-stopping, that damn clock will never stop ticking, and life, keeps coming to us willing to give us the best it has, at the end, its up to us what we do with what we are given.

after all this time of feeling completely lost, not finding the course of my life, the past months have provided me what I was lacking for: a sense of belonging, a sense of having a huge commitment and responsibility in this world. feeling empowered to look for my true meaning in life, left behind the baggage of fears and doubts, realizing its a matter of let go and understand we cant control everything around us but to be sure that at then end, we will always find the answers we are looking for.

and is now, at the gate of a new time in life, when once again I stop, take a look of what has been done, what we have gone through, and full of hope, I take a glance to what it looks to be the future, take a deep breath and take your hand to give that first step, and i know, every time I feel I stumble I just need to hold on tight, look to your eyes and keep on walking, as it has always been,.,.

cause since the beginning I always knew you came here for a reason, everyday that passes by is a witness of all the amazing moments you are giving me, just with a sweet smile, with that "I love you more" you give me every morning, you make me strong, as I never knew I was.

thanks baby for this 6 years of happiness, for being here to show me what real love is, for teaching me how to be a mom, for letting me know when Im messing up, and specially for being my compass, that sweet voice in the back of my head that keeps me away of trouble, that strength that makes me wake up every moment and complete, step by step, the road Ive dreamed for both of us.

look who's growing up...

Have you investigated every avenue? There's an opportunity you're missing today.

It's the best time for you to get started on a creative project of some kind -- maybe a new artistic direction, or maybe a whirlwind of home improvement. Your good energy is directed outward.

~ (nothing to say -.-)

and truth is, I was feeling so damn angry,.,one of those angry moments that just makes me wanna cry. I manage to keep my shit together and choose to go to lunch to do some thinking. smoked my anger and came back. as my horoscope says...I have to do some searching, check my options...so Im just evaluating the situation, definitely Im not in a position to come with one of my usual reactions, got many bills to pay and a kid to send to school, time to bite my tongue, shut up and look for a way to get myself in a better situation. [ damn,., cant believe that came out of me, look who's growing up...]

procastinating and taking it easy

at the beginning of this week I saw how much work I have pending and how many things I have to do during the weekend...first thing to do..check how many OTHER things I can do instead of the homeworks....procastination mode ON!

next thing in the list was to freak out thinking about all the homework, all the studying, classes, labs, etc that I have to do, but as of today, Im feeling better, Fisica homework is almost done, just missing a couple of exercises and to print it out. have a lot of reading to do for ortografia and TIC, damn...hate ortografia...eeeewwwww

anyway, stepping out a bit, seems there's nothing to freak out and it seems Ill be able to do everything on time. the kid has been doing good at school too, homework with him is not a hell anymore, as people say, once you touch bottom the only way you can go is up....so looks like after that freaky sunday we both reach bottom and now we are both going up..TOGETHER :D

as days go by Im feeling better, getting my mind at ease and learning to focus on the things that matter and the things I can actually control, everything else..well,., there's nothing that can be done and Im not hurting myself anymore cause of that, learning how to let go has been really hard, the toughest thing Ive had to do, but definitely is paying off

chicken soup for the soul

I used to like to see that TV show, I know it was based on some inspirational books by Jack Canfield, they were really sweet stories and really encouraging, and being as I am I would end up crying each and every episode. [and reading the whole post back it has nothing to do with the rest of it, it was just a blast from the past]

since maybe 6 or 7 years ago I used to do a check up at the end of the year and set up a states I would like to end my year like, it was something like this...
2002 I end up with a boyfriend
2003 I end up pregnant
2004 I end up married
2005 I end up trying to safe my marriage
2006 I end up separated
2007 I was hoping to end it up divorce
2008 I was hoping to end it up divorce and living on my own
2009 who knows.. I got tired of hoping

I guess I stopped doing that review cause looking backwards that way was way way too disappointing, facing the fact that I screw my life year after year and made my self deaf to all the advises coming from the people around me who saw me getting so close to the edge is too frustrating, just makes me feel like getting out of my body and kick myself over and over till my foot would fall.
now, we are really close to the end of the year, that feared annual review is getting really close, this year started with the same vision as the previous ones, "this will be a good one, and we will end it up better than how we started it", many of the goals I set up for myself hasn't been accomplished, they are not even close to get started at some point, but some other things have been done that I had no idea that would happen. so I would say doing a fair balance, this has been so far a good year, I had my share of tears, that night I cried like I haven't cry in such a long long time, that type of crying that u can feel a deep pain the chest, Ive also had really good moments that would make me smile every time I bring those memories up, Ive come up to know that somethings I thought were pure fiction of a fairy tale can actually exist and they are for real, and Ive also come up to grow mature in a lot of things I thought I would never was gonna be able to.

I just can now look forward what's coming ahead

giving life for granted

Ive always heard some people say,., like..old people saying..."ouh youth..they think they´ll never die..they think they are invincible..", Ive always think that´s not true...been dealing with dead in some way or another in the recent past, Ive come up to realize maybe that is true.
thinking we still have time, so many things are left aside thinking...Ill do it later...
Its hard when you loose someone from one day to the other, we give people and life for granted, thinking, my kid knows I love him, my family know I love them, my friends know what they mean for me....thing is...that later...we regret...that hug that was not given cause we didnt have a second to spend on that cause we were late to work, that conversation we never had cause we had so many other things to do that we thought...Ill do it later...

I just hope I wont forget this feeling I have right now...and that nobody else will have to died to remind me about this....

Rodri...I love you with all my heart, you have no idea what getting you in my life has meant, I know sometimes its too much weight being put on your shoulders, helping mamma to grow up is not easy thing, but I love you for that, for forgiving all my mistakes, for always welcoming me with a huge hug and tons of kisses and never complaining cause Im coming home late....you are the best son I could ever have...

my brother and sister...even though you two can for real be the worst pain in the ass ever....and specially you dude can really but like REALLY piss me off....well, I know I count with you two, and that you sis are able to go get a fist fight cause of my kid, or that you dude will be willing to take care of my kid while Im at college...eehhmmm...well....love u both...and..well...ya grow up for Christ sake and leave the pc alone just for me :P jajajajajaja

my parents...ok...so this one is kinda hard...our relationship has been changing so much, totally not what I knew for the first 20 years of my life...thanks for all the psicological mess and dependency you generated in me...and also for such a low selfesteem that lead to get involved with such a retard in my past life, realizing about this has definitely helped me out in this part of my life, it has giving me something else to work on, as if life is not enough complicated...but...I cant deny, you two support me, in your own way, its funny how in some way Ive turned out to act as the mom instead of the daughter, more often than what Id should but, well, sorry I dissapointed you in so many ways, definitely communication has never been the strongest characteristic between us, good thing is, that thanks to all that, Im trying to raise a more independent kid with a selfesteem high enough to say, "soy apuesto" with no hesitation at all :P, cant say anything about the psicological mess cause...well, its part of our job as a parent to mess up with our kids mind, if not then we would be aunts or uncles. but, besides all that, you´ve teach me responsability (I just added my touch with the procastination thing but..hey...I always do what I have to do...and I do it good), be on time, respect for others, compasion, and so many other things...but, main thing...I love you both...no matter how messed up you two are :P jajajaja

...I can tell I have lived two different lives, (if I were a cat Id say I only have 5 remaining...but eeeewwwwww Ill never be a cat...Im definitely a bird) the first one, me, totally lost and not giving a flying f*ck about anything, I was basically just...living...the second life...started 5 years ago...having to raise myself to come up more independent, teaching myself and helping me to find the north I havent found yet, looking out for this life that was giving to me, and fighting to be best someway or another; one day at a time, learning from the people I have around, I know, I have so many things to learn yet, so many things to change,.,Im still not even half of what I want to be, but I can tell...if I died today that hopefully Im going to the beach...Ill died with peace in my mind, cause Im doing what I wanted, cause Im working on getting the best for my kid, cause Im doing those lil steps that will take me to my goal...Im not settling for anything...ever again....

and then I wonder why....

so, as I grew old I saw a lot of things going on around me and I swear to myself I was never going to do those type of awful things....and guess what??? I’m exactly like her and I’m doing the same things as she did, is so sad to think that my kid feels better when I’m not around, at least that's how I used to feel with her,., I’m feeling really sad, I’m embarrassed on how I’m handling things and its really frustrating.,., hiding back the lame excuse of that's how I am makes me feel even worst,., poor kid

since cant remember how long I’ve been listening to the same thing, that I runaway of the things I don’t like or don’t go the way I'd like them to; instead of fighting for what I want I just give up and stay away, I’m conscious on how things are doing, I know they are not doing good, I’ve been doing some changes around, and I can tell I’m not feeling as bad as I thought I was gonna feel, weird and bad things that have happened after the change; a) I never have money, and that's something it never happened to me before, now I just have the money to pay the bills, I’m not even buying things for the kid as I used to do before or going out or even eating....where the hell is all my money going away??? Have no idea..b) Things with the kid haven't improved so it was useless the change

So been carrying a lot of frustra.......

..and I just realize what a selfish bitch I am...instead of thinking how he might be feeling, I keep talking about how I feel, my frustrations, my anger....damn...and then I wonder why things are doing how are doing....

sweet memories ::: Tiff Lacey

I dont like this, when I have so many things inside my head trying to come out, but I just keep them to myself cause I have the feeling I just dont have to say them, when I want to do something but I just dont cause I have the feeling will be the wrong move...why messing up things if they are doing ok? but why I cant feel ok holding all that inside? to many things coming at once, thought had a lifesaver but I was wrong, learning to do it on my own, im tired but Im learning, I know I will do it once and for all.
and once again, having the feeling fate is taking care of what I dont have the guts to do, leaving tough decisions to the fate that has been left with the responsability of the choices made, hope, this time, again, Im not taking the wrong one, trying to "think first", Im weighting all the options and posibilities I have at hand, which honestly seem to be none, I still have the hope, at the end, something good will turn out of all the mess.

so tired…

and once again, I'm trapped on my own reactions, once someone told me, think twice before you act…I know, I fucked up once cause of this. unfortunately that´s one, if not my biggest “area of opportunity”; I never think; I'm the most reactive person on earth. I should follow my own advise, the same one I always give to this person, over and over again “play smart, not hard”; why am I unable to follow my own advises? who knows…I'm feeling so stupid and pissed off right now…

there are few people who can actually get me to this level, but, I've come up to a decision, and even though its not gonna be easy to achieve, changes will be made to reach the goal…this time, its for real for real.

it pisses me off to be surrounded by people who are not able to hold accountable on their words, and yes, shame on me, it pisses me off even more the fact that things do not go the way I want them to; but, I guess, what makes me feel worst, its to feel so alone, having around so many people “who cares about me” not giving a shit on what´s going on, and to find support on the people who I'm supposed to be keeping away from me cause are “the worst of the worst”…and you know what? ironically at the end, they are the ones who are always asking, how am I doing? how am I feeling? please call me if you need something; cant remember when was the last time that any of you “people who care about me” asked me how I am or if I was in need of something IF you have EVER done something like that.

having fun on 3D

as the kid has been confined to the house for the last 4 days I decided to take him out to the movies, so we went to see this movie, which was good, but the best part is, that the movie is on 3D, and watching my kid enjoying that was priceless. I watched more at my kid than the actual movie, there are some scenes that the 3D effects comes up really really cool, and watching him trying to reach things are jumping out of his seat cause he feels the ball is gonna hit him in hi face was hilarious ; at the beginning thought it was kinda expensive but, all that made it worth it definitely.

"live from Abbey road" has become a must-be-seen on saturday night, there´s where I get my artist of the week must of the times, last night I was hearing music from Colbie Caillat, really nice songs, as I understood she´s pretty much new; she has one album, " Coco" and she has really nice songs there, my fav ones are "Battle" and "realize"

I've been busy with the hw, but as I get so desperate, besides being homework productive I've been music productive too, been listening to Nadia Ali, guess I've heard her before but, not sure, I was trying to download some of her music but couldn't fine the versions I wanted, I found some acoustic versions that I loved how they sound, too bad couldn't download them, but I'm still fighting. also found music from Joshua Radin, very slow slow music, really good. "what if" , loved that one.

I better go finish my HW…

yesterday stats….

coffee….3

cigz……3

….and Ill hear some music :P

::Cerf, Mitiska & Jaren - You Never Said::

Rejection’s like an ice cold bath
But the water’s feelin’ good this time
And I hate that I misread you boy
But I can’t resist no-crossing signs when
You’re an open invitation to a heartache
A painful kind of good, I should just leave alone but it’s too late

I’m right back where I started out
Not a lot to show, just memories
But I took what I could get from you, now I’m off
To fill the void, you see
I got a habit I can’t break, so it does all the breaking
And a heart that’s slow to heal, cause I fall for the ones
Who are taken

You never said, you never said that I’m your baby
You never said, you never said that I’m the one
You never said you’d try, or that you’d take me or you’d leave me
You just said goodbye, you said goodbye

You never said, you never said that I’m your baby
You never said, you never said that I’m the one
You never said you’d try, or that you’d take me or you’d leave me
You just said goodbye, you said goodbye

And you just kept walkin’ baby
I couldn’t have stopped you if I tried
I was such a fool to think it might have led
To something fulfilling baby
And had you been willing maybe
I wouldn’t have these thoughts runnin’ through my head

You never said, you never said that I’m your baby
You never said, you never said that I’m the one
You never said you’d try, or that you’d take me or you’d leave me
You just said goodbye, you said goodbye

You never said, you never said that I’m your baby
You never said, you never said that I’m the one
You never said you’d try, or that you’d take me or you’d leave me
You just said goodbye, you said goodbye

You never said, you never said that I’m your baby
You never said, you never said that I’m the one
You never said you’d try, or that you’d take me or you’d leave me
You just said goodbye, you said goodbye

mediocre??

most of the time, when I do my writing, I'm either drunk or upset or sad, today…today I'm pretty much tired, its been a tired week, in all senses.

I received the score of my test today, Lic, thank you so much! I know I totally do not deserve that 6, but guess that this is one of the times that been on time and to show up everyday makes it up.

as usual I'm doing my monthly review, the self-assessment that I usually do myself when things get like these. well, weird feeling I have right now, not sure if its cause of the tiredness or what, don't feel happy not sad, I'm just…here…pretty much…breathing….

I've been thinking on all this thing, classes, the job, the kid, the…life overall…I don't like it so far, I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not actually complaining about it, cause, its a good one but…it could be better, I'm trying to focus on the positive, as Xiomy told me one day, just to live the moment, to enjoy what is being given and to stop thinking about the future as its gonna take care of it by itself, and I guess somehow she is right, I'm conscious that I've missed a lot cause I keep focusing on what´s next, on what´s gonna happen, on trying to know everything, but I was thinking….staying that way…just enjoying what´s being given to me…isn't that like…being..mediocre???

dunno….just know that there are some things that I wish them so badly and now….they don't feel that great, not that are not great, but I got the feeling I had to give up to things that were way much important for me that what I have now….and if I cant have it all, I rather go back…..will see how things go…peace out :P