and then I wonder why....

so, as I grew old I saw a lot of things going on around me and I swear to myself I was never going to do those type of awful things....and guess what??? I’m exactly like her and I’m doing the same things as she did, is so sad to think that my kid feels better when I’m not around, at least that's how I used to feel with her,., I’m feeling really sad, I’m embarrassed on how I’m handling things and its really frustrating.,., hiding back the lame excuse of that's how I am makes me feel even worst,., poor kid

since cant remember how long I’ve been listening to the same thing, that I runaway of the things I don’t like or don’t go the way I'd like them to; instead of fighting for what I want I just give up and stay away, I’m conscious on how things are doing, I know they are not doing good, I’ve been doing some changes around, and I can tell I’m not feeling as bad as I thought I was gonna feel, weird and bad things that have happened after the change; a) I never have money, and that's something it never happened to me before, now I just have the money to pay the bills, I’m not even buying things for the kid as I used to do before or going out or even eating....where the hell is all my money going away??? Have no idea..b) Things with the kid haven't improved so it was useless the change

So been carrying a lot of frustra.......

..and I just realize what a selfish bitch I am...instead of thinking how he might be feeling, I keep talking about how I feel, my frustrations, my anger....damn...and then I wonder why things are doing how are doing....