my day with the shrink...

so..actually was only 40 mins...not a day...but saying my 40 mins with the shrink didnt sound nice to me,...+.+...whatever....so we went ...after my mom's 10 mins session on trying to park the car, we head to his office, we introduce ourselves and started the session, while I was waiting a huge dude got out of the office, but like huge...like Johnny boy huge...you could tell by the redness in his eyes he had cried..:s..so there I was, feeling so stress like if I was gonna go get a tooth took out without anestesia, anyway, we started my session, after the whole VA thing...what's your name...your phone number..your email address...he asked me...how can I help you?? I could felt my I-want-anestesia-please face to a what-the-fuck face, I didnt know what to say, so he started asking about my life, and the next 30 mins was like being with my mother on a sunday afternoon...or any other day with my mother...the dude got the what-the-fuck face when we got into my marriage-pregnancy chapter of my life, and then he started asking why I did this, why I did that...and in my mind the only thing I could think about..well..not the only thing actually lots of things were in my mind at that point...like...I could see my self taking 30$ out of my wallet..30$ I was planning to save for my laptop purchase in some random future in my life..and also I couldnt help on thinking...that's so my mom...asking why why WHY...at least she asks for free,.,and then I also thought...WHY is HE asking ME...isnt he the shrink...isnt HE supposed to tell me WHY Ive done so stupid decisions in my life...I mean, if I know the why then...I wouldnt be sitting there in the first place and well...THATS SUPPOSED TO BE HIS JOB DAMN IT!!
by the end of the session he asked me if I wanted to keep on going with the therapy or if it was just an diagnostic kind of thing, so I felt like if I was in those web sites where you can enter all your info and ask as many things as you want but you actually have to pay to get the answers you want in a later email, the only difference was that this one was not for free it cost me $30...actually at the end cost only $10 cause I was barking out loud about the $30 all the way back home that either my mom felt guilty about it or just got tired of hearing the same thing ,that she said, ok here, get 20 at least that would help...
so, even having that so clear image in my mind of me getting those $30 out of my wallet, when he asked about if I wanted to continue I just saw that image going on and on like...4 times a month...and I thought...ok..there goes the laptop saving plan ..FUCK!! but for some reason I said...yes :s
so after all the barking thing on the way home, I decided, ok Im not going back, mom please call him and tell him to forget it, and she said no way YOU call him, then my dad goes and ask how was it...and I started barking again about the $30 but this time in a lower vol cause it was not $30 was just 10..and then he goes and says...ok...Ill pay it..but give him a chance, at least a few sessions more, then you decide if you are throwing the money out or if its actually worth it, besides me thinking, ok this people seems to think I do actually need a shrink I thought...ok..if he is willing to pay 30 a week then ...instead we can use those 30 bucks to be added in my laptop saving plan and it would definitely be worth it, but I kept that for me...and he added it would work like catarsis...and then I thought..ok...what more catarsis than my blogs...I definitly rather my catarsis there...where I just vent either publicly or private, depends on the mood and then I just read it back and say...ouh fuck that girl is messed up she should do this and this and this and I therapy myself :P jajajajaja and doesnt cost $30 a week,.,.but I kept that for myself too cause...well..I dont want him reading my blog, not just yet...
and well...that was it...got home had dinner early and went straight to bed with the kid,.,who by the way is the one who started it all, I asked him what's going on at school and he said, his teacher is a bitch and the school sucks, well actually he didnt say that, he just said his teacher erases his work and he doesnt like school but I totally know that's what he meant, is my son damn it ! :P

and the kid needs a therapist

..so on friday I was called to a meeting by my kid's teacher..again...so I went today to hear what she had to say, so basically things we can say are going the same, the kid still doesnt want to work, doesnt follow instructions, is unable to have his breakfast in a decent manner...but the main problem showing up right now is..that basically he DOESNT GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT THE WORLD!,.,so her teacher advise to take the kid to a therapist to check what's giving the problem, as she said, its normal for a kid to be a lil bit distracted but not to get to his I-dont-give-a-fuck type of level, she states he doesnt care if his team is loosing when they are playing games, as well as he doesnt care if she threatens on giving him a 0 in his work, he just couldnt care less.
so, at this point I feel totally frustrated and responsable for his IDGAF state of mind, I know, I can be myself that way ;who knows, maybe most of the time, but I never expected the kid to get that attached into his mind that way, that soon. worst thing is, that I dont spend time with him as much as I would like, or as much as it seems to be needed. and at this point I feel totally lost and have absolutly no clue whatsoever on what the hell to do with him.
Ive tried to teach him, and honestly thought I had succesfully, what responsability means and how we all have duties that have to be performed no matter the age or who we are, I tried to made him understand how I work to get money to buy his stuff, how his "work" is to go to school and study and follow his teacher's instructions.
but, yes, Ive noticed, lately he has been behaving worst, Ive never gone with the timeout thing cause he will basically just stand up and I would have to put him back in time out so the time out would get extended basicaly for the whole day. so Ive gone through all the disciplinary ways I can come up with or that I have found over the internet, by now, Im tired, frustrated and the kid seems to be getting worst.
one thing I need to set up clear here, cause by reading back what Im writting seems to give a really bad image of my kid, Id say, he behaves good, he is a good kid, he plays with his friends, he doesnt get in fights, he is not definitely the bully type of kid, he is in fact very calm, he likes, actually he loves talking...that one is for real..he will never..but..NEVER..shut up, he will stay there watching tv, or playing with his car, you wont even notice he is there, its just this basic things he is failing..like...yes he does his homework, but I have to be sitting next to him, pushing him to do it, he will do it wrong, just cause he can, sometimes feels he does that just to bother me, so after erasing and redoing the traces for like 4-5 times he will finally give up and do it how is supposed to, cause, he can. and well, the teacher complains about him not following her rules, not paying attention, not sitting while having his breakfast, but...damn...he is not like that at home, he will have his meals on his own most of the time, I just need to be checking up on him every once in a while to make sure he is actually eating, so in this case I have no idea how to work on this, if he seems to be a total different kid, the home-kid is really cool, the school-kid is something else.
someone suggested me quitting my job to spend more time with him, which by the size of my bills Id say is totally out of question, the other option is to take him to a therapist, and as the problems on kids, specially his age, seems to be just a mirror of his parents problems, Ill be going to a therapist, actually today, my mom got me one, so we will see, how messed up I am that Im messing up my kid.