:::love's deceit:::

somehow I remembered this today, guess it helps giving an idea what I think about love, first time I saw this movie I just loved it, one of my favorite ones gotta say.
I was gonna choose some parts to add them here but after spending the whole day listening to it over and over again, I couldn't pick just one line, as it describes exactly my feelings at the moment I had to copy it all here

Pleasure turns to the pain
lessons learned from the strain
questions burned in my brain..
About whether love is humane
in its touch.
These thoughts are like salmon swimming upstream
in the tears of your deceit.
Fighting the current hurt that kills more than is created by the chaos
of our intertwined emotions.
chaotic because the anchor of Eros' arrow has been plucked
from the vessel of my undying infatuation
separation not as simple as the distance between us
my mind no longer possessed by demons
that have been the overseers of my enslavement to your lies
the seeds of these lies rooted so deeply
they have cracked the foundation of what we once shared
allowing the faith in us I had sealed inside
to gush out like a river
ripping the image of our future together from my thoughts
as violently and as brutally as if it were a child
being taken from its mothers arms
I’m left surrounded in darkness
but I refuse to be swallowed by it
my loneliness like the night air
invisible to the eye
obvious to the touch
it is cold uncomfortableness
yet if I could do it all over again
Id do it in the same skin I’m in
to lay down and let love die
just stay down and let love lie?
No, no..not I
Id stay around and let love fly
even though I have seen its darkest form
deceit
nothing else could taste this warm
or feel this sweet...

I hate the way....

I hate the way you talk to me,

and the way you cut your hair.

I hate the way you drive my car,

I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots

and the way you read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me sick,

it even makes me rhyme.

I hate the way youre always right,

I hate it when you lie. I

hate it when you make me laugh,

even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it when youre not around,

and the fact that you didnt call.

But mostly I hate the way I dont hate you,

not even close

not even a little bit .....not even at all.

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen...

...good bye...

, finally mi grandma is resting, it´s been a long fight, she could do no more. these two days have been totally exhausting, wanna thank the people who showed their support, gotta say, was totally unexpected to see you there, but you have no idea how much it helped, thanks, this has been, by far, one of the most painful moments I had to go trough.

what do you think it is, a calling???

Beverly: When will this job ever end!
Jason: You call it a job!
Beverly: Well, what do you think it is, a calling?
riding in cars with boys. (2001)

I saw this movie yesterday, like for the 20th time, but for some reason, yesterday really got me, somehow I can relate my life to that situation, specially with that scene; yes, for me it is a job, the toughest one, the one I really wish I could quit; shame on me, YES! no doubt about it, but its too much and I don't know how to do it, my lack of so many things that pretty much has got me in what I´m living right now, its also the one that is not letting me go on with this task.

poor kiddo, yes, I feel bad about him, cause the poor dude its pretty much screwed up, a mom who doesn't know how to be a mom, and a dad who has never been a dad, and pretty much will never be...sending him to his dad´s its not an option, even if he say yes to keep the kid, and even I don't want to do this anymore, I cant do something like that to this kid, that would be just like....I don't know...not giving a shit about him.....and I cant do something like that. cant give up on this, but I'm completely overwhelmed at this point, totally frustrated, those kisses and hugs are not enough, and the smiles unfortunately do not make it, harm is beyond all that.

anyway, got 2 weeks to work on this, sadly, both of us feel better when Im not around...

Beverly: I'm 22 years old - that's almost 30, and I still haven't accepted that this is my life. And I just wish that I could be dumb. And then I wouldn't know better and I could be happy and stop hoping. And I'm telling you this like you're interested in my boring life.

at this point I think desperate situations need desperate solutions, taking some new actions from now on, we will see if it works, cant give up on him, Ill be giving up on some things from my side, it hurts, but its time to set priorities, and definitely he´s got to be mine.

and I´ve been thinking..is this so hard for all moms out there?