what do you think it is, a calling???

Beverly: When will this job ever end!
Jason: You call it a job!
Beverly: Well, what do you think it is, a calling?
riding in cars with boys. (2001)

I saw this movie yesterday, like for the 20th time, but for some reason, yesterday really got me, somehow I can relate my life to that situation, specially with that scene; yes, for me it is a job, the toughest one, the one I really wish I could quit; shame on me, YES! no doubt about it, but its too much and I don't know how to do it, my lack of so many things that pretty much has got me in what I´m living right now, its also the one that is not letting me go on with this task.

poor kiddo, yes, I feel bad about him, cause the poor dude its pretty much screwed up, a mom who doesn't know how to be a mom, and a dad who has never been a dad, and pretty much will never be...sending him to his dad´s its not an option, even if he say yes to keep the kid, and even I don't want to do this anymore, I cant do something like that to this kid, that would be just like....I don't know...not giving a shit about him.....and I cant do something like that. cant give up on this, but I'm completely overwhelmed at this point, totally frustrated, those kisses and hugs are not enough, and the smiles unfortunately do not make it, harm is beyond all that.

anyway, got 2 weeks to work on this, sadly, both of us feel better when Im not around...

Beverly: I'm 22 years old - that's almost 30, and I still haven't accepted that this is my life. And I just wish that I could be dumb. And then I wouldn't know better and I could be happy and stop hoping. And I'm telling you this like you're interested in my boring life.

at this point I think desperate situations need desperate solutions, taking some new actions from now on, we will see if it works, cant give up on him, Ill be giving up on some things from my side, it hurts, but its time to set priorities, and definitely he´s got to be mine.

and I´ve been thinking..is this so hard for all moms out there?