yesterday was a really tough day. had the last exam, I should have read at least once, but I didnt do anything. at least I passed. I dont like that cause that means having to work harder for this one later on, but, damn, I was way too tired.
came back, had lunch with the family, they were supposed to go to this "place in the middle of nowhere" but I messed up, I told the kid he could go but he had so many homework, that at the end he had to stay home, he was really sad cause of that, I dont blame him. that was totally my fault. so we spent the rest of the afternoon fighting to have him read numbers and write them down. it took around 4 or 5 hours to complete the whole homework. we were exhausted.
got to watch a movie I love, unfortunately its been really rare that I get to see it since the beginning. but I always get the same feeling when I get to the last part, when she is crying cause she thinks she lost him cause she was to coward to talk to him and the damn cat scares her cause she is daydreaming he is coming to the kitchen, and then when she runs to catch him but he is about to ring the door bell.....I havent found it with the subtitle to download it yet, but Ill find it someday.
and then we decided to do a tv series marathon, as if we didnt need to rest at all...I had watch it already, it was really really good, but it really changed when shared, I had a really good time and slept like a baby the next 3 hours :P, thanks for sharing, I know Ive been pushing for that, I finally got you to watch it :D
now Im really sleepy, but just got a chocolate :D that will wake me up, have to go pay college, and English exam...eeeewww...hate to walk...
*-*-*-
just came back, did the payment, it was a good move to wait till today cause there was nobody there, I even got to pick up the forms for the English exam, when walking to pick up the forms I saw the Tahoe again, I love it! I was gonna take a picture of it when coming back but was gone already :( so Ill have to wait, Ill be so harassing that tahoe from now on jajajaja
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Back to Basics
after giving a lot of thought I decided Im gonna post this, just to be able to read it back when Im 80 and decided to review what was gonig on with my life back in august 2009.
Ive been in some kind of relationship [actually describing it that way is too much but, Ill leave that way ] for the last 10 months, and last night I decided to call it over for me, why for me? cause I was the one thinking there was something going on, he was just...I dont know, he knows, I Dont.
a couple of months ago, while I was doing my daily review [smoking] in the backyard, I thought on how much I would like my kid to grow up just like him..and that, right there, that simple thought made me realize what was going on in my mind...
I fell in love...
and that right there, scared the living shit out of me....
why? Im guessing it was just cause I dont wanna get hurt, falling in love leaves you there, on the spot, totally unprotected; and the possibility of getting hurt was a lot higher this time cause of how things have been going on. things were not handle the right way, doing things really fast at the beggining, trying to slow down later on, each one thinking things on their own corners but not sharing any of that.
this person has helped me so much, he made me improve in each and every aspect of my life, and I cant thank that enough. and as I recognize him as the mature rational half, I thought that what he wants must be the best thing to do. so we are going back to basics. I know I might fail from time to time, but trust me Im doing the best I cant. I just cant afford to loose someone so important in my life, you still have a lot of things to teach me.
as a first payment, I left the url available, you can thank me later.
ps. ok I just saw it, dayum, that is so unfair taking an url to be left untouched since 2002. then. you´ll have to do all the teaching for free as it has been so far :P
Ive been in some kind of relationship [actually describing it that way is too much but, Ill leave that way ] for the last 10 months, and last night I decided to call it over for me, why for me? cause I was the one thinking there was something going on, he was just...I dont know, he knows, I Dont.
a couple of months ago, while I was doing my daily review [smoking] in the backyard, I thought on how much I would like my kid to grow up just like him..and that, right there, that simple thought made me realize what was going on in my mind...
I fell in love...
and that right there, scared the living shit out of me....
why? Im guessing it was just cause I dont wanna get hurt, falling in love leaves you there, on the spot, totally unprotected; and the possibility of getting hurt was a lot higher this time cause of how things have been going on. things were not handle the right way, doing things really fast at the beggining, trying to slow down later on, each one thinking things on their own corners but not sharing any of that.
this person has helped me so much, he made me improve in each and every aspect of my life, and I cant thank that enough. and as I recognize him as the mature rational half, I thought that what he wants must be the best thing to do. so we are going back to basics. I know I might fail from time to time, but trust me Im doing the best I cant. I just cant afford to loose someone so important in my life, you still have a lot of things to teach me.
as a first payment, I left the url available, you can thank me later.
ps. ok I just saw it, dayum, that is so unfair taking an url to be left untouched since 2002. then. you´ll have to do all the teaching for free as it has been so far :P
Saturday, August 29, 2009
day 2..the toughest one...just one more day to go
so here´s the thing,.,.
last semester, which btw was my first one, I killed myself studying, almost literally. I studied each and every day. I was tired, almost didnt see my kid, and the grades I got were not exactly what I expected as a pay off to all that hard work.
this semester I definitely have started it the wrong way...I basically just didnt care for the past 4 weeks and tried to get all that info in less than a week. I feel like with a constipated brain..so much info inside, trying to find a place to stay still, numbers and rules and formulas getting mixed up there, they just dont know how to file them selves; and totally unable to come out. master plan was to study as much as I could and to have a good night sleep on friday night, but the last thing I did was to sleep.
now Im at about 4 hours to the first exam, which I havent review anything for it.
we´ll see how this day goes. so far I have to say is doing good. Ill post the update as soon as I come back home.
I have the best kid ever, he woke up early in the morning as usual, trying as hard as he could not to make any sound whatsoever, and let me sleep till his tummy couldnt take it anymore...he goes and touches me and said "mommy its been a long while since you are here, there´s nobody out there and Im really really hungry" how was I not supposed to jump out of the bed to fix him some breakfast??, that was the sweetest way to wake me up. before he used to go hit the door till ill almost fell off its hinches and yell "MOOOOOOOOOOMMMM"
and let me tell you this, if he manages to keep the new way till he gets married, I can tell you .....he is sooooo getting "some" every night
*-*-
and Im updating till today cause last night I was just way too tired, but it went good, really good. Fisica exam was way way too long, but did it completly and hopefully wiht no mistakes. Math was even better, TEACHER ALLOWS PRINTED MATERIAL FOR IT! I didnt know but Im so printing everything for the next one.
last semester, which btw was my first one, I killed myself studying, almost literally. I studied each and every day. I was tired, almost didnt see my kid, and the grades I got were not exactly what I expected as a pay off to all that hard work.
this semester I definitely have started it the wrong way...I basically just didnt care for the past 4 weeks and tried to get all that info in less than a week. I feel like with a constipated brain..so much info inside, trying to find a place to stay still, numbers and rules and formulas getting mixed up there, they just dont know how to file them selves; and totally unable to come out. master plan was to study as much as I could and to have a good night sleep on friday night, but the last thing I did was to sleep.
now Im at about 4 hours to the first exam, which I havent review anything for it.
we´ll see how this day goes. so far I have to say is doing good. Ill post the update as soon as I come back home.
I have the best kid ever, he woke up early in the morning as usual, trying as hard as he could not to make any sound whatsoever, and let me sleep till his tummy couldnt take it anymore...he goes and touches me and said "mommy its been a long while since you are here, there´s nobody out there and Im really really hungry" how was I not supposed to jump out of the bed to fix him some breakfast??, that was the sweetest way to wake me up. before he used to go hit the door till ill almost fell off its hinches and yell "MOOOOOOOOOOMMMM"
and let me tell you this, if he manages to keep the new way till he gets married, I can tell you .....he is sooooo getting "some" every night
*-*-
and Im updating till today cause last night I was just way too tired, but it went good, really good. Fisica exam was way way too long, but did it completly and hopefully wiht no mistakes. Math was even better, TEACHER ALLOWS PRINTED MATERIAL FOR IT! I didnt know but Im so printing everything for the next one.
Friday, August 28, 2009
to be add in the list of things to do before I get too old to do
..I so want to get drunk but really drunk..but drunk enough to be able to stand still and to find this funny....I want to punch someone in the face...but like a real punch, but with that other person consent, no one specific in mind...just to get the feeling of doing it...I have never even slap someone in the face...EVER!
...and Im wondering if this delusional post has been caused due all the caffeine intoxicating my veins .... just a thought -.-
...and Im wondering if this delusional post has been caused due all the caffeine intoxicating my veins .... just a thought -.-
Thursday, August 27, 2009
warning: I havent had a good night sleep for almost a week so this post might just not make any sense , you might want to skip it till the next one
Be open and don't judge. People who have differing opinions aren't less than you.
"See if you can inspire others with your righteous energy -- it may be somewhat tougher than usual, but those who do get it should light up like Christmas trees! A few of you working together can make a difference."
ok, I dont like today's horoscope, it sounds really inspiring, thinking I could be able to light up people like Christmas trees but, I dont think Ill be able to when Im feeling so down myself. my leg is still hurting, pretty much Im guessing is the whole stress of the parciales and having so many things to study with not enough time to do it, also having so many issues understanding; I really need help on this. ...hhhhhhmmmmmuuuuufffffff (((((suspiro))))) anyway....
I received a note back from the kid's teacher, at this point Im totally disappointed and have no idea what to do. she keeps sending notes complaining about the kid not working, how he doesnt follow instructions, that he keeps on messing his classmates books, etc, etc, etc...
so obviously I feel bad cause I wish my kid would be one of those kids the teachers love and they cant stop saying how awesome they are, [Im not saying my kid is not awesome, the only thing is that blind lazy bitch is not able to see on to such sky-rocking awesomeness] so, as Ive been living hell on earth trying to get the kid meet her standard I decided I was not gonna be giving away my life and his life just to have her happy, I decided my kid needed a different approach and that eventually we were going to meet the level he is supposed to be, we are all different and he might not work the same way or speed as the other kids. so after the switch I can tell, everything has improved, the times I consider leaving him on the corner with the free sign hanging from his neck have been reduce in a significant rate, we are able to do homeworks in a very very acceptable way ( I mean, this is my point of view, Im sending him to school to learn so what if he doesnt do that O as a perfect circle, I can tell its an O, isnt she supposed to teach him on how to do it? if we all were born knowing there would not be a point on having teachers [so you better give a second thought on all that complaining you bitch who Im paying her paycheck]
now, as she is in that small room with all those little devils dress up in uniforms, she is able to tell the difference between his work and the other kids work, but I just wonder, are all those other 34 kids doing such a perfect job that my kid's work is so offensive to her sensible eyes? I wonder cause I have no one else to compare, so for me its very acceptable, but again, he is my kid, even if he gets to kill someone I will first high-five him for a job well done, I will worry later regarding the whole moral issue.
so, I sent her a note, I tried to hold myself together and try to show me as a worried mother willing to help her to tame this lil creature sent from the darkest corners of hell, but aparently it sounded like I cant understand how come she cant see the brilliance in my kid and that she totally sucks cause the kid hates school. and she replied....ouh that bitch dare to reply...
...and at this point I have to be honest I wish there was someone else, right now is one of those moments when I understand the reason why family has two parental units, cause when one of them gets tired, the other one comes to the rescue, cause when one wants to describe that bitch all the awful ways she might die if she doesnt motivate that kid, the other one will come to have a mature conversation with her or will scare the living hell out of her, cause when one is way too drunk to get up from bed, the other one will be able to handle the hangover to at least go and check up on the kid, cause when one has the need to keep changing channels there will be someone else to complain about it....and now this post went way too long and I totally lost it..
....im so sleepy, Im still waiting my caffeine pill :s
....update....no caffeine pill....but coffee is doing its job :D
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
weekend highlights
Your luck is about to change today -- and that could be a good thing or a bad thing.
"Your opinion isn't taken as seriously as you think it should be today, but that just means that you've got to roll with it and come back later when your boss -- or whoever -- is ready to hear the truth."
-and Im becoming addicted to this things,.,.[but to be honest, so far doesnt feel the change is gonna be for good :( ]
Im utterly tired right now, been sleeping an average of 3 hours since friday, my eyes are hurting, cant keep them open. I even fell asleep today, thanks to someones proactivity she woke me up and I was able to get the kid ready on time to go to school, if not Im guessing pretty much we will be both snoring in our bed still.
have parciales this coming weekend, fisica and mate, there's so much to read and exercises to do, as the plan is to have a good night sleep on friday Im trying to do as much as I can these days, Im mostly worried about the theory, cause I havent read shie but I think Im doing kinda good with the other part.
this weekend was an enlightening one, been feeling kinda frustrated regarding some things someone told me months ago and I just couldn't understand them at all, after a few beers apparently people gets in the mood of talking and it was really helpful, realized I was missing the meaning of what has been said and had forgotten all the things Ive gone through, now I get its just a timely manner, I walked that same road so long ago that I just couldnt see what was really going on.
also did some talking with the kid a few days ago; one of my biggest fears has always been, to hear him telling me someday he wants to go live at his grandparents house cause he has more fun there than living with me. pretty much my day with him goes sort like this, in the morning I just get him ready to go to school, fighting to get him out of bed, fighting to get him dress, fighting to get him to eat something and then he leaves, when I come back from work fighting to get him do homework, fighting to get him to have dinner, fighting to get him to sleep, so I feel Im the bad guy here, and when he gets to go to that other house, its all watching tv, eating snacks, doing nothing...so I asked him if he likes to go there and he said...mmm yes...do you like to go there and stay with him (his dad)...mmm..no, not really....do you like to be with me...YES! love you mommy and he closed his eyes and fell asleep, right there,.,that unhesitating answer told me everything is gonna be ok, that Im doing it right and that no matter how hard it looks, I still have my kid who loves me....and that is all what I need.
..and Im adding this song just cause my son likes it :D
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
future had never look so handsome :D !
today's quickie...
the one from today deserved a double triple wow...cause that is how I feel. Im living that calm after the storm, that moment of peace after so many things that have been going on in my life; sad, bad, painful, hurting, upsetting things; but are exactly all those things that took me here, where Im standing right now. Ive learn how to deal with a lot of things that thought I was never gonna be able to, learning to let go, learning to be patient, learning the how and when to say things, learning that not everything has to do with me, and that somethings are just out of my control.
I feel happy and full of hope, I know more storms are coming my way, but I know something good will come along; future had never look so handsome :D
"You have solid footing in your life now and a good sense of where you want to go."
its been years since I dont check a horoscope, I used to do that when I was at college and had nothing else to do [ which translates to : had a lot of things to study but I had an urge to procrastinate them ] and last night I checked it again [ what a coincidence to be checking that stuff now that Im back in college...procrastination issues I guess ] I found it funny when I read it last night cause somehow describes what's going on in my mind.the one from today deserved a double triple wow...cause that is how I feel. Im living that calm after the storm, that moment of peace after so many things that have been going on in my life; sad, bad, painful, hurting, upsetting things; but are exactly all those things that took me here, where Im standing right now. Ive learn how to deal with a lot of things that thought I was never gonna be able to, learning to let go, learning to be patient, learning the how and when to say things, learning that not everything has to do with me, and that somethings are just out of my control.
I feel happy and full of hope, I know more storms are coming my way, but I know something good will come along; future had never look so handsome :D
Monday, August 24, 2009
wow...
this is something I dont read..ever...for some reason I did it right now...had to post it...
"Every now and then, you need to get emotionally intense, experience a tender exchange of sentiments or just sit down and have a heart-to-heart with someone. This is definitely one of those times. You won't settle for anything that even remotely smacks of a surface encounter. You want depth, intensity and passion -- and if you don't get them, you'll take your toys and go home."
"Every now and then, you need to get emotionally intense, experience a tender exchange of sentiments or just sit down and have a heart-to-heart with someone. This is definitely one of those times. You won't settle for anything that even remotely smacks of a surface encounter. You want depth, intensity and passion -- and if you don't get them, you'll take your toys and go home."
just let me know plz
after this weekend Iv been left really tired, have a lot of things to study from fisica and mate, doing so many exercises makes me sleepy, just wanna get home and get some rest.
sunday was really good, family is in good mood right now, spend the afternoon with my mom, had some coffee and did some talking, Im definitely learning to know what to say and how to say it, its kinda exhausting but I know its gonna pay off, hope that at some point it will just cme out right instead of consciously taking care of it.
life is being kind right now, thought things were gonna get really ugly but at the end everything is looking good.
Im trying not to give so much thought on some important things right now, I know some talks should be made but, the feeling of being the one pushing doesnt make me comfortable, definitely some mind reading would come handy but as unfortunately havent developed that skill I will have to wait or...Ill have to wait, dunno,.,too many things going on right now maybe is just not the time.
looking forward the day at the beach, working on vacation has to pay off someday...
sunday was really good, family is in good mood right now, spend the afternoon with my mom, had some coffee and did some talking, Im definitely learning to know what to say and how to say it, its kinda exhausting but I know its gonna pay off, hope that at some point it will just cme out right instead of consciously taking care of it.
life is being kind right now, thought things were gonna get really ugly but at the end everything is looking good.
Im trying not to give so much thought on some important things right now, I know some talks should be made but, the feeling of being the one pushing doesnt make me comfortable, definitely some mind reading would come handy but as unfortunately havent developed that skill I will have to wait or...Ill have to wait, dunno,.,too many things going on right now maybe is just not the time.
looking forward the day at the beach, working on vacation has to pay off someday...
Sunday, August 23, 2009
:::Staind-so far away:::
This is my life
Its not what it was before
All these feelings Ive shared
And these are my dreams
That Id never lived before
Somebody shake me
Cause I, I must be sleeping
Now that we're here,
It's so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
All the mistakes,
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here its so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive and Im not ashamed to be the person that I am today
These are my words
That Ive never said before
I think Im doing ok
And this is the smile
That Ive never shown before
Somebody shake me
Cause I, I must be sleeping
I'm so afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Its not what it was before
All these feelings Ive shared
And these are my dreams
That Id never lived before
Somebody shake me
Cause I, I must be sleeping
Now that we're here,
It's so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
All the mistakes,
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here its so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive and Im not ashamed to be the person that I am today
These are my words
That Ive never said before
I think Im doing ok
And this is the smile
That Ive never shown before
Somebody shake me
Cause I, I must be sleeping
I'm so afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
baby D
I had so many things to say here, been writing the post in my mind over and over again, but now words are just not coming out, ideas I had so clear in my drunk mind had just go away to some lost space, guess they were saved in the couple of neuronas I burned last night after all that drinking and smoking.
and after deleting this paragraph like 10 times already Im just gonna say this...
WELCOME BABY D! I cant wait to meet you :D
and after deleting this paragraph like 10 times already Im just gonna say this...
WELCOME BABY D! I cant wait to meet you :D
Thursday, August 20, 2009
talks with the kid III
mom: se siente brisa...creo q va a llover
kid: no, la noche es la que esta fresca, pero no va a llover
mom: porq?
kid: porq yo digo
mom: y como sabes?
kid: porq soy un dientologo
mom: meteorologo?
kid: nooooooo...dientologo
mom: cientifico queres decir?
kid: NO! dien-to-logooooooooooo
mom: y q es un dientologo?
kid: ya sabes....el que siente los movimientos de todo...de todas las cosas...entonces se que no va a llover...
mom: aaaaaaahhhh...ok
**UPDATE,.,I told this story to my dad, he thinks what the kid was trying to say was vientologo...which I gotta say it does make more sense than the dientologo one, but me da weba change it and I found it quite funny how I heard it so Im gonna leave it there :P
kid: no, la noche es la que esta fresca, pero no va a llover
mom: porq?
kid: porq yo digo
mom: y como sabes?
kid: porq soy un dientologo
mom: meteorologo?
kid: nooooooo...dientologo
mom: cientifico queres decir?
kid: NO! dien-to-logooooooooooo
mom: y q es un dientologo?
kid: ya sabes....el que siente los movimientos de todo...de todas las cosas...entonces se que no va a llover...
mom: aaaaaaahhhh...ok
**UPDATE,.,I told this story to my dad, he thinks what the kid was trying to say was vientologo...which I gotta say it does make more sense than the dientologo one, but me da weba change it and I found it quite funny how I heard it so Im gonna leave it there :P
procastinating and taking it easy
at the beginning of this week I saw how much work I have pending and how many things I have to do during the weekend...first thing to do..check how many OTHER things I can do instead of the homeworks....procastination mode ON!
next thing in the list was to freak out thinking about all the homework, all the studying, classes, labs, etc that I have to do, but as of today, Im feeling better, Fisica homework is almost done, just missing a couple of exercises and to print it out. have a lot of reading to do for ortografia and TIC, damn...hate ortografia...eeeewwwww
anyway, stepping out a bit, seems there's nothing to freak out and it seems Ill be able to do everything on time. the kid has been doing good at school too, homework with him is not a hell anymore, as people say, once you touch bottom the only way you can go is up....so looks like after that freaky sunday we both reach bottom and now we are both going up..TOGETHER :D
as days go by Im feeling better, getting my mind at ease and learning to focus on the things that matter and the things I can actually control, everything else..well,., there's nothing that can be done and Im not hurting myself anymore cause of that, learning how to let go has been really hard, the toughest thing Ive had to do, but definitely is paying off
next thing in the list was to freak out thinking about all the homework, all the studying, classes, labs, etc that I have to do, but as of today, Im feeling better, Fisica homework is almost done, just missing a couple of exercises and to print it out. have a lot of reading to do for ortografia and TIC, damn...hate ortografia...eeeewwwww
anyway, stepping out a bit, seems there's nothing to freak out and it seems Ill be able to do everything on time. the kid has been doing good at school too, homework with him is not a hell anymore, as people say, once you touch bottom the only way you can go is up....so looks like after that freaky sunday we both reach bottom and now we are both going up..TOGETHER :D
as days go by Im feeling better, getting my mind at ease and learning to focus on the things that matter and the things I can actually control, everything else..well,., there's nothing that can be done and Im not hurting myself anymore cause of that, learning how to let go has been really hard, the toughest thing Ive had to do, but definitely is paying off
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
just need a hug
just came back from class, calculator was working fine during the whole class but apparently it decided to die right before we got the exam in hand-BITCH! the leg started to hurt thanks to those comfortable sits in the lab and guess the stress of not understanding a word that woman was saying.
around 10 mins ago just happened something I thought I had left behind more than 3 years ago. somehow I think Im missing on learning how to manage some type of people or some type of situations, Im definitely not proud of anything I said or how I reacted to it. getting in such a fight for such a dumb thing as a downloaded file definitely is really embarrassing and Ive been left thinking...
why do I have to go with the same reaction every time...standing at his same level...yelling and cursing just like he does will get me to something? by now I should already know I will never beat a man, NEVER, I should remember that really good, unfortunatly there are some things my mind just rathers to forget, cause they were really really bad? maybe, cause they hurted a lot? fuck yes...I always like to tell Sarita "do not play hard..play smart" I should follow my own advise, this dude will someday hit me...today was really close...I reallly thought he was going to...
one of the worst flashbacks I had while fighting was me yelling, screaming in hope of someone coming to help me...cause I was just there hanging as much as I could...3 years ago...no body ever came to help, not even once...today same thing...no body came out....THAT right there is loneliness...worst feeling ever...and as I type this Im thinking...would loneliness be the proper word...abandon?...maybe...just know right now my neck hurts like hell...Im still shaking and I want to cry, wish I could just go ahead and hug my kid but I cant, just need a hug..
around 10 mins ago just happened something I thought I had left behind more than 3 years ago. somehow I think Im missing on learning how to manage some type of people or some type of situations, Im definitely not proud of anything I said or how I reacted to it. getting in such a fight for such a dumb thing as a downloaded file definitely is really embarrassing and Ive been left thinking...
why do I have to go with the same reaction every time...standing at his same level...yelling and cursing just like he does will get me to something? by now I should already know I will never beat a man, NEVER, I should remember that really good, unfortunatly there are some things my mind just rathers to forget, cause they were really really bad? maybe, cause they hurted a lot? fuck yes...I always like to tell Sarita "do not play hard..play smart" I should follow my own advise, this dude will someday hit me...today was really close...I reallly thought he was going to...
one of the worst flashbacks I had while fighting was me yelling, screaming in hope of someone coming to help me...cause I was just there hanging as much as I could...3 years ago...no body ever came to help, not even once...today same thing...no body came out....THAT right there is loneliness...worst feeling ever...and as I type this Im thinking...would loneliness be the proper word...abandon?...maybe...just know right now my neck hurts like hell...Im still shaking and I want to cry, wish I could just go ahead and hug my kid but I cant, just need a hug..
enjoying calm after the storm
souh,., the whole kid's teacher thing was really annoying, I guess I was in denial thinking it was her being lazy not wanting to do extra work with my kid just cause all the other kids in the room are a bunch of pussies who have no will of their own.
anyway, I started to get worry when all of a sudden my son seemed to have a menopausal grumpy woman trapped inside, he was just not willing to do any homework at all, it didn't matter how much I threat with taking away his toys, leaving him with no tv for the rest of his life or just to leave him in the corner with a FREE sign hanging on his neck.
and I just collapsed...it didn't happen all of sudden, it was a slow process and very painful, I noticed when I started calling my friend crying cause I couldn't take it anymore, crying alone everytime I saw homework pending, and we reached bottom a week ago when I thought just on walking away and leave everything and got my mom upset with me, that day that I thought life couldnt get any worst...and I cried cause I thought I was not gonna make it.
I spent my time searching every article I could find regarding helping a 5 year old doing homework,., Im not gonna say I indeed applied the things that I found, but they gave me some reference on the things Ive been doing so wrong.
so, last week he missed some classes cause he was kinda sick and he went back on saturday, so he was around 3 days behind in all his work, I was about to pass out when I saw so many work pending. but we got it done by sunday morning...I was AMAZED...Im not gonna lie, was not easy, but it was what I think a normal level of unwillingness. yesterday I got home a lil bit late than usual, and he had a lot of work again, and it was just the most amazing experience ever, we made jokes, I had to be sitting next to him all the time, but we got almost everything done, and the work done was just perfect, we couldnt finish cause it was too late, there was a lot of work and he was about to start crying, he just wanted to sleep, I refused to push him anymore and we got to the agreement he would wake up earlier the next day to finish the work, he just said yes and fell asleep immediately.
two things about the whole experience got me really shock...first, the fact that he was working SO DAMN GOOD, Ive always known he can do a good job but that coloring....those numbers....it was just glowing in awesomeness....and when I told him how wonderful his work was he goes and says...mommy is just I dont want you to get upset with me, so that's why I work.
my heart broke at that point, had to hold myself together to not start crying right there, cant believe how much pressure Ive been putting in to those lil shoulders that the only thing that motivates him to work is not getting me upset.
that was hard, but I realize how setting up a real goal helped so much, I was not gonna keep on fighting to match the teacher's criteria, I understand my kid has his own speed of learning and his own way of doing things...so now Im not focusing on the side he chooses to start drawing the circle as long as he does it and get it done right.
sorry baby Im learning how to be a mom with you...I wish I knew how to do everything right from start...thanks for loving me so much.
anyway, I started to get worry when all of a sudden my son seemed to have a menopausal grumpy woman trapped inside, he was just not willing to do any homework at all, it didn't matter how much I threat with taking away his toys, leaving him with no tv for the rest of his life or just to leave him in the corner with a FREE sign hanging on his neck.
and I just collapsed...it didn't happen all of sudden, it was a slow process and very painful, I noticed when I started calling my friend crying cause I couldn't take it anymore, crying alone everytime I saw homework pending, and we reached bottom a week ago when I thought just on walking away and leave everything and got my mom upset with me, that day that I thought life couldnt get any worst...and I cried cause I thought I was not gonna make it.
I spent my time searching every article I could find regarding helping a 5 year old doing homework,., Im not gonna say I indeed applied the things that I found, but they gave me some reference on the things Ive been doing so wrong.
so, last week he missed some classes cause he was kinda sick and he went back on saturday, so he was around 3 days behind in all his work, I was about to pass out when I saw so many work pending. but we got it done by sunday morning...I was AMAZED...Im not gonna lie, was not easy, but it was what I think a normal level of unwillingness. yesterday I got home a lil bit late than usual, and he had a lot of work again, and it was just the most amazing experience ever, we made jokes, I had to be sitting next to him all the time, but we got almost everything done, and the work done was just perfect, we couldnt finish cause it was too late, there was a lot of work and he was about to start crying, he just wanted to sleep, I refused to push him anymore and we got to the agreement he would wake up earlier the next day to finish the work, he just said yes and fell asleep immediately.
two things about the whole experience got me really shock...first, the fact that he was working SO DAMN GOOD, Ive always known he can do a good job but that coloring....those numbers....it was just glowing in awesomeness....and when I told him how wonderful his work was he goes and says...mommy is just I dont want you to get upset with me, so that's why I work.
my heart broke at that point, had to hold myself together to not start crying right there, cant believe how much pressure Ive been putting in to those lil shoulders that the only thing that motivates him to work is not getting me upset.
that was hard, but I realize how setting up a real goal helped so much, I was not gonna keep on fighting to match the teacher's criteria, I understand my kid has his own speed of learning and his own way of doing things...so now Im not focusing on the side he chooses to start drawing the circle as long as he does it and get it done right.
sorry baby Im learning how to be a mom with you...I wish I knew how to do everything right from start...thanks for loving me so much.
Monday, August 17, 2009
I have a crush on you...
I was having the greatest time walking under the sun from one building to the other in the university when all of a sudden I see something looking a lot like this...
and after I realize I was there standing in the middle of the parking lot doing nothing but staring at this beauty I knew that the minute I decide to stop with the whole being mature thing I do count with a new object of my affection [don't you feel threat?...]
anyway..
had classes on saturday afternoon, was pretty annoying to be coughing the whole class, I thought I was gonna get kicked out of the room cause of all this H1N1 paranoia (Hell No :P), did a lil bit of studying, was nice cause it seems I do remember a lot of things, thought my brain was gonna have more issues, its been around 6 years since I don't do a math exercise...
on sunday afternoon the kid went out with my parents so I was left alone, I planned on doping my day away but then I made up my mind and just took some pics but the camera was not in a good mood and was not working again, then I just watched tv, a lot actually, mostly the History channel...now Im caught reading the "Dialogue concerning the two chief world systems" by Galileo Galilei...we'll see if I actually read it all...although I should be reading the awful amount of material I have pending from orthography :(...eeeeeeeeeewwwwww
and after I realize I was there standing in the middle of the parking lot doing nothing but staring at this beauty I knew that the minute I decide to stop with the whole being mature thing I do count with a new object of my affection [don't you feel threat?...]anyway..
had classes on saturday afternoon, was pretty annoying to be coughing the whole class, I thought I was gonna get kicked out of the room cause of all this H1N1 paranoia (Hell No :P), did a lil bit of studying, was nice cause it seems I do remember a lot of things, thought my brain was gonna have more issues, its been around 6 years since I don't do a math exercise...
on sunday afternoon the kid went out with my parents so I was left alone, I planned on doping my day away but then I made up my mind and just took some pics but the camera was not in a good mood and was not working again, then I just watched tv, a lot actually, mostly the History channel...now Im caught reading the "Dialogue concerning the two chief world systems" by Galileo Galilei...we'll see if I actually read it all...although I should be reading the awful amount of material I have pending from orthography :(...eeeeeeeeeewwwwww
Sunday, August 16, 2009
thinking out loud
wow...fighting was reduced in 90% and homework is now done...Im such a good mom...
I shouldn't be allowed to text while doped....just a thought....
I shouldn't be allowed to text while doped....just a thought....
Saturday, August 15, 2009
:::waiting on an angel-Ben Harper:::
Waiting on an angel
one to carry me home
hope you come to see me soon
cause I don't want to go alone
I don't want to go alone
Now angel won't you come by me
angel hear my plea
take my hand lift me up
so that I can fly with thee
so that I can fly with thee
And I'm waiting on an angel
and I know it won't be long
to find myself a resting place
in my angel's arms
in my angel's arms
Friday, August 14, 2009
sick week
I was doing a quick review here, Ive had the notebook for a lil bit over two weeks and I still don't have my wireless network at home, why, u might ask..well...cause the dude in charge of that apparently is such an air head who lost the application my dad sign, and that shouldn't have turned out into such a complicated issue but, let me explain the whole story....
so this ISP people has some sort of promotion, so if we upgrade the speed of the current connection we have, they would give for free one of this USB 3G things...so my dad signed up for that thing, as the USB thing will be FREE, they made him sign some papers stating he received one, so at first apparently they didn't have on stock, but then, this dude calls my dad stating he lost the signed paper, but my dad refused to sign another one thinking the dude was trying to cheat the system .,.,anyway...we tried to get the service contacting another agent from that people but we are stuck with the original dude so we have to wait till he works in the process...in the meantime...I have no wireless :(
the kid has been sick all week, he started with stomach issues, then fever, then flu, now stomach issues again...I was hoping I was gonna be able to send him back to school tomorrow but apparently we wont be able to do so, I just hope he will get better along the weekend.
apparently the team will be making a meeting this weekend, I was so looking forward to go out drinking a bit, I feel like its been years since I don't go out and I really really wanted to go but I wont be able to cause Im still a lil bit sick and I cant leave the kid alone with his sickness. :(
and Im getting the feeling I should start studying, so I guess I will stop photoshoping pics and will start reviewing some math classes.
so this ISP people has some sort of promotion, so if we upgrade the speed of the current connection we have, they would give for free one of this USB 3G things...so my dad signed up for that thing, as the USB thing will be FREE, they made him sign some papers stating he received one, so at first apparently they didn't have on stock, but then, this dude calls my dad stating he lost the signed paper, but my dad refused to sign another one thinking the dude was trying to cheat the system .,.,anyway...we tried to get the service contacting another agent from that people but we are stuck with the original dude so we have to wait till he works in the process...in the meantime...I have no wireless :(
the kid has been sick all week, he started with stomach issues, then fever, then flu, now stomach issues again...I was hoping I was gonna be able to send him back to school tomorrow but apparently we wont be able to do so, I just hope he will get better along the weekend.
apparently the team will be making a meeting this weekend, I was so looking forward to go out drinking a bit, I feel like its been years since I don't go out and I really really wanted to go but I wont be able to cause Im still a lil bit sick and I cant leave the kid alone with his sickness. :(
and Im getting the feeling I should start studying, so I guess I will stop photoshoping pics and will start reviewing some math classes.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
:::Goo goo dolls-before its too late:::
...so live like you mean it
live till you feel it
its all that we need in our lives...
live till you feel it
its all that we need in our lives...
I seem to be doing better of all this sickness thing, the kid got me a lil scared cause he had fever since yesterday afternoon and through the night he stayed at an average of 38º, though today he´s been doing really good.
happy birthday to my mom, sorry mom, you couldnt get away of my "mess up birthday" curse I seem to have this year, dunno why´s that and I certainly wished it wouldnt have happened with you, but damn, you do make it easy young lady. anyway, hope you find some fun in the middle of such darkness.
Im still in the search of some ways to deal with the kid, trying not to stress and to find some patient where I know I dont have any, but, gotta deal with it, there´s no other way.
everything else...dunno, just holding on I guess, for the first time ever I seem to be dealing pretty much good on it, [yeah right!] weird cause I know it has made me feel down really really bad but at the same time I just hope at the end its the best thing to do,., this is just one of those things that make me wish I could see the future to know if Im right or wrong...just time will tell I guess
Sunday, August 9, 2009
and I just cant sleep
today has been a really really bad day...good thing is that is about to be over, weird thing, Ive been feeling so bad, not sickness way, since yesterday and as soon as I started typing I can finally cry.
sickness hasnt improved that much, but Ill be going to work tomorrow, we´ll see how that goes.
in the morning we catch up with most of the homework with the kid, that was awful, Im such a bad mother, he had 2 weeks to do all that homework that I made him do in one morning, and I even made him feel how bad he was cause he didnt want to do anything anymore. at noon I took my antibiotics and that thing makes me nausea and makes my body shake so I was not feeling good, besides the whole guilt and anger, I refused to go to my mom´s and made the kid go with my dad and my sister. its is so hard to believe how come after I gave him such a bad time the kid still rathers to stick around with me. anyway, spent the whole afternoon alone, pretty much laying in the couch thinking on something to fix this whole situation. so when my mom finally came home with the kid we started talking about all this thing she thinks the kid has. I have no idea how, but we end up arguing, that right there was me collapsing of so many things that are just going wrong in my life, ....so at the end she left the house upset with me, so there it goes, one more thing to add to the list.
anyway...
I couldnt sleep, planned to watch some movies and to felt asleep that way but had so many things in my mind that thought on some catarsis here as usual, and my dad just came here to try to talk to me, he just killed the whole catarsis thing :( that will help in my plan of getting the kid in some kind of schedule that is supposed to help him get better, hopefuly that´ll do.
everything else, I dont know, guess we will leave that one a side, even though its really hurting; but the sickness, the kid, my mom...too many balls in the air right now I just cant handle anything else. all I can say about that is, I thought I was not gonna be able to do it this time, seems like I was wrong on that, just wish Im wrong on the things that made me go this way but, guess that is one of those things we will never know huh?
sickness hasnt improved that much, but Ill be going to work tomorrow, we´ll see how that goes.
in the morning we catch up with most of the homework with the kid, that was awful, Im such a bad mother, he had 2 weeks to do all that homework that I made him do in one morning, and I even made him feel how bad he was cause he didnt want to do anything anymore. at noon I took my antibiotics and that thing makes me nausea and makes my body shake so I was not feeling good, besides the whole guilt and anger, I refused to go to my mom´s and made the kid go with my dad and my sister. its is so hard to believe how come after I gave him such a bad time the kid still rathers to stick around with me. anyway, spent the whole afternoon alone, pretty much laying in the couch thinking on something to fix this whole situation. so when my mom finally came home with the kid we started talking about all this thing she thinks the kid has. I have no idea how, but we end up arguing, that right there was me collapsing of so many things that are just going wrong in my life, ....so at the end she left the house upset with me, so there it goes, one more thing to add to the list.
anyway...
I couldnt sleep, planned to watch some movies and to felt asleep that way but had so many things in my mind that thought on some catarsis here as usual, and my dad just came here to try to talk to me, he just killed the whole catarsis thing :( that will help in my plan of getting the kid in some kind of schedule that is supposed to help him get better, hopefuly that´ll do.
everything else, I dont know, guess we will leave that one a side, even though its really hurting; but the sickness, the kid, my mom...too many balls in the air right now I just cant handle anything else. all I can say about that is, I thought I was not gonna be able to do it this time, seems like I was wrong on that, just wish Im wrong on the things that made me go this way but, guess that is one of those things we will never know huh?
:::Ben Harper-Forever::: [..and some updates in the weekend of sickness]
thought I was gonna be doing better by today but no, it was hard to sleep last night and the kid woke me up early today. my throat hurts a lot and Im having issues to breath again.
and as I been with so much iddle time in my hand Ive been using it wisely and Ive been downloading all the Ben Harper albums I was able to find. Now Ive been stuck with this song, hope you like it too...
I have so many things in my mind to write about here but...damn..Im not feeling good, no will at all to do anything, I fell down today and I hurted my left foot its hurting like hell right now, definitely not a right time to get inspiration, nothing good will come out and as someone said, "if you have nothing good to say, you better say nothing at all"
and as I been with so much iddle time in my hand Ive been using it wisely and Ive been downloading all the Ben Harper albums I was able to find. Now Ive been stuck with this song, hope you like it too...
I have so many things in my mind to write about here but...damn..Im not feeling good, no will at all to do anything, I fell down today and I hurted my left foot its hurting like hell right now, definitely not a right time to get inspiration, nothing good will come out and as someone said, "if you have nothing good to say, you better say nothing at all"
kicked out
since we moved back to my dad´s house....that was like...over 3 years now, the kid has been sleeping with me, mostly due space issues, there´s absolutly no room to put another bed for him. so ever since then I havent been able to have a good night sleep, well, actually Im lynig on that one, ever since I GOT HIM I havent been able to get a good night sleep; what Ive been thinking about since then is How is it gonna be when I finally get him in his own bed? is he gonna cry for me? coming in the middle of hte night back to my bed or just yelling my name ?
and just today I was kicked out of my own bed.....
last night my mom decided was a good idea due my sickness of me not sharing the room with the kid so we will avoid him getting sick, which it made sense, so I put him to sleep and then my sis took my place, so up to there we were fine, next day it was around 8 am and he was still sleep, [ let me add this detail in case I have never mentioned this here before, he will always, let me rephrase that he will ALWAYS wake up at 6 am on saturdays] so, today before I put him to sleep he goes and say "you are not sleeping here, sarita is sleeping here with me" and then it hitted me, right in my liver....I got kicked out of my bed...out of my room...out of my kid`s sleep needs...
anyway...Im doing better now, the pills are definitely working, although there´s one that makes my whole body shake, so that is really annoying, I feel like an old person. I really hate that makes me feel so weak, but hopefuly that would end up soon :D
I was realizing something today, Ive been dying to smoke...friday night, I was feeling like if I was gonna die..right there...in the middle of my mom´s dining room trying to have some dinner...so then I thought, if I keep on smoking Ill die like this, trying to breath and just wont be able to never ever again like NUNCA JAMAS! so then I thought..Im not smoking ever again...
but Im so dying to do it right now...how sad is that....
and just today I was kicked out of my own bed.....
last night my mom decided was a good idea due my sickness of me not sharing the room with the kid so we will avoid him getting sick, which it made sense, so I put him to sleep and then my sis took my place, so up to there we were fine, next day it was around 8 am and he was still sleep, [ let me add this detail in case I have never mentioned this here before, he will always, let me rephrase that he will ALWAYS wake up at 6 am on saturdays] so, today before I put him to sleep he goes and say "you are not sleeping here, sarita is sleeping here with me" and then it hitted me, right in my liver....I got kicked out of my bed...out of my room...out of my kid`s sleep needs...
anyway...Im doing better now, the pills are definitely working, although there´s one that makes my whole body shake, so that is really annoying, I feel like an old person. I really hate that makes me feel so weak, but hopefuly that would end up soon :D
I was realizing something today, Ive been dying to smoke...friday night, I was feeling like if I was gonna die..right there...in the middle of my mom´s dining room trying to have some dinner...so then I thought, if I keep on smoking Ill die like this, trying to breath and just wont be able to never ever again like NUNCA JAMAS! so then I thought..Im not smoking ever again...
but Im so dying to do it right now...how sad is that....
Saturday, August 8, 2009
before or after
?: souh...how´r u feelin?
me: before the pills or after the pillls?
?: oO..ehmm..both?
me: before the pills I feel like dying, after the pills I feel like shit
?: :s..ok
*-*-*-*-*
BTW, thanks to Jazz for the invite, do I have dreams? HELL YEAH! last night I had one so weird, Im just hoping I still have the whole thing in my mind once I come back from the doctor´s appointment so I can post it :D
Friday, August 7, 2009
sick at home
and I am sick...I was gonna go to work to go to the clinic and take the risk whether the doc was gonna send me home or not, but my dad told me it would be better to stay home, so I had to do what I had to do, went straight back to bed. as the day is getting warmer and the pills are starting to knock me down, Im feeling a lil bit better, at least I can sit down without having the feeling to move in slow motion to get all my bones sitting in the appropriate place or the place they rather to stay so they wont hurt.
right now Im getting some player downloaded in the notebook to go and just connect my external hdd and spend the whole day lying in bed watching movies, I just dont want to move at all so Im looking for a way to get them all playing automatically one after the other one, damn media player doesn't wanna work for me this time and this other download Im doing is taking forever, so in the meantime Im just listening to some music,one of my favorite tv shows is "live from Abbey Road" but for either reasons I havent been able to watch it lately, and its from there were I take my artist of the week, I just found one, I love blues, and while youtubing I found this song, which I love by the way, I loved it even more cause its being performed by two artist that I really like.,.,and the lyrics...well...que te puedo decir....what are the odds huh?
behold my new artist of the week Ben Harper and Jack Johnson [ooohhh I love Jack Johnson]...
right now Im getting some player downloaded in the notebook to go and just connect my external hdd and spend the whole day lying in bed watching movies, I just dont want to move at all so Im looking for a way to get them all playing automatically one after the other one, damn media player doesn't wanna work for me this time and this other download Im doing is taking forever, so in the meantime Im just listening to some music,one of my favorite tv shows is "live from Abbey Road" but for either reasons I havent been able to watch it lately, and its from there were I take my artist of the week, I just found one, I love blues, and while youtubing I found this song, which I love by the way, I loved it even more cause its being performed by two artist that I really like.,.,and the lyrics...well...que te puedo decir....what are the odds huh?
behold my new artist of the week Ben Harper and Jack Johnson [ooohhh I love Jack Johnson]...
Don't do me any favors
matter of fact why don't you
do yourself a few
your presence ain't nobody's blessing
I've got plenty of other things
I could do
oh no, not another excuse
your tired silly games
for me are just no use
and now it's plain for me to see
you're with somebody
that you don't want to be
so won't you
please please me like you want to
not like you have to
or won't you just go on and leave me
leaving me is the least
that you could do
you could have spared me
so much misery
and told me you just wanted
a friend
believe me there is a difference
when you mean it
and when you pretend
or was I just you habit
cause I know a habit
is a hard thing to break
but won't you spare me
a little mercy
there's only so much
that I can take
but won't you
please please me like you want to
not like you have to
or won't you just go on and leave me
leaving me is the least
that you could do
matter of fact why don't you
do yourself a few
your presence ain't nobody's blessing
I've got plenty of other things
I could do
oh no, not another excuse
your tired silly games
for me are just no use
and now it's plain for me to see
you're with somebody
that you don't want to be
so won't you
please please me like you want to
not like you have to
or won't you just go on and leave me
leaving me is the least
that you could do
you could have spared me
so much misery
and told me you just wanted
a friend
believe me there is a difference
when you mean it
and when you pretend
or was I just you habit
cause I know a habit
is a hard thing to break
but won't you spare me
a little mercy
there's only so much
that I can take
but won't you
please please me like you want to
not like you have to
or won't you just go on and leave me
leaving me is the least
that you could do
Thursday, August 6, 2009
:::love's deceit:::
somehow I remembered this today, guess it helps giving an idea what I think about love, first time I saw this movie I just loved it, one of my favorite ones gotta say.
I was gonna choose some parts to add them here but after spending the whole day listening to it over and over again, I couldn't pick just one line, as it describes exactly my feelings at the moment I had to copy it all here
Pleasure turns to the pain
lessons learned from the strain
questions burned in my brain..
About whether love is humane
in its touch.
These thoughts are like salmon swimming upstream
in the tears of your deceit.
Fighting the current hurt that kills more than is created by the chaos
of our intertwined emotions.
chaotic because the anchor of Eros' arrow has been plucked
from the vessel of my undying infatuation
separation not as simple as the distance between us
my mind no longer possessed by demons
that have been the overseers of my enslavement to your lies
the seeds of these lies rooted so deeply
they have cracked the foundation of what we once shared
allowing the faith in us I had sealed inside
to gush out like a river
ripping the image of our future together from my thoughts
as violently and as brutally as if it were a child
being taken from its mothers arms
I’m left surrounded in darkness
but I refuse to be swallowed by it
my loneliness like the night air
invisible to the eye
obvious to the touch
it is cold uncomfortableness
yet if I could do it all over again
Id do it in the same skin I’m in
to lay down and let love die
just stay down and let love lie?
No, no..not I
Id stay around and let love fly
even though I have seen its darkest form
deceit
nothing else could taste this warm
or feel this sweet...
do you believe in love?
"marriage is like a business transaction"
that was told to me by a customer a few days ago,
after he has called me and my coworkers "idiots" and I told him he better calm down or I would have to release the call and he will be condemned to an endless life full of misery, regret,sorrow and a nonworking tv tuner.
at the end he choose redemption....that one, I gotta say has been so far the most accurate description of what I think marriage is.
so after an hour of troubleshooting and while I was just chatting and loosing time listening to him talking about kids and all the thousands of reasons why he thinks I must have another kid [NOT!!!] asking why I was not married and why I still don't have a boyfriend and where the fuck is the irresponsible airhead stupid ass-hole father of my kid [I swear those are his exact words ;D] he goes and ask....
"Do you believe in love?"
at this point it felt like someone paused all type of activity around me, not even air was allowed to move, I realize that when I started choking, my brain just freeze and I started mumbling, and as if my life depended on that, images of my past and present relationships started to flash in my mind in a desperate seek of an answer, weird images like a Frank Miller movie style, ...then he says ...
"yes...that's the big main question...Do you believe in love?"
I didn't know what to say, I was not able to answer, I just said...what is love? do you know what that is? and I felt like if I had tricked fate in the smartest way a human being can do it, still cant believe why I got so worried about that question coming from someone who just called me idiot, has got married 3 times and thinks this is not the last one and thinks fairy tales are true....
anyway, we end up the call but I was left thinking about that, and Ive been ever since...Do I believe in love? I used to think I did, I used to think it does exist...I used to...
once my dad told me...love doesn't last forever, it dies eventually, so apparently at the end, marriage it is after all a business transaction, you need to look for the best partner, thinking about those things that will help you in the long term, like having someone you love talking with, someone who will know when to leave you alone, someone who will know when to hug you even if you don't hug him back, someone who will trust you, someone who will be your best friend, someone who thinks you are the first person he needs to talk with when something good happens, someone who thinks you are the only one who will comfort him when something bad happens, someone who's voice never gets you bored, someone you need to have around even in those hot bored days when there's absolutely nothing to say or do, someone who will get all your nonsense..
and I know I still haven't answer ..do I believe...?
once upon a time I did, then I didn't, right now, as my life is at this exact moment that I'm sitting in front of my work computer waiting for this dumb customer to open her system I can tell....I DON'T KNOW...I know Im going through some transition stage right now, I can definitely tell that, if this is growing up damn, it hurts. I know I have deep strong feelings that have root deep inside my soul to places I didnt even know I had, at this point I dont know what it is, I do know it has scared the living shit out of me, I found out that one night while reviewing my day at the backyard, is that love? if it is..well...we will leave that whole story on how I realize I was so scared for another post cause this one is just way too long....
what about you? do you believe in love?
that was told to me by a customer a few days ago,
after he has called me and my coworkers "idiots" and I told him he better calm down or I would have to release the call and he will be condemned to an endless life full of misery, regret,sorrow and a nonworking tv tuner.
at the end he choose redemption....that one, I gotta say has been so far the most accurate description of what I think marriage is.
so after an hour of troubleshooting and while I was just chatting and loosing time listening to him talking about kids and all the thousands of reasons why he thinks I must have another kid [NOT!!!] asking why I was not married and why I still don't have a boyfriend and where the fuck is the irresponsible airhead stupid ass-hole father of my kid [I swear those are his exact words ;D] he goes and ask....
"Do you believe in love?"
at this point it felt like someone paused all type of activity around me, not even air was allowed to move, I realize that when I started choking, my brain just freeze and I started mumbling, and as if my life depended on that, images of my past and present relationships started to flash in my mind in a desperate seek of an answer, weird images like a Frank Miller movie style, ...then he says ...
"yes...that's the big main question...Do you believe in love?"
I didn't know what to say, I was not able to answer, I just said...what is love? do you know what that is? and I felt like if I had tricked fate in the smartest way a human being can do it, still cant believe why I got so worried about that question coming from someone who just called me idiot, has got married 3 times and thinks this is not the last one and thinks fairy tales are true....
anyway, we end up the call but I was left thinking about that, and Ive been ever since...Do I believe in love? I used to think I did, I used to think it does exist...I used to...
once my dad told me...love doesn't last forever, it dies eventually, so apparently at the end, marriage it is after all a business transaction, you need to look for the best partner, thinking about those things that will help you in the long term, like having someone you love talking with, someone who will know when to leave you alone, someone who will know when to hug you even if you don't hug him back, someone who will trust you, someone who will be your best friend, someone who thinks you are the first person he needs to talk with when something good happens, someone who thinks you are the only one who will comfort him when something bad happens, someone who's voice never gets you bored, someone you need to have around even in those hot bored days when there's absolutely nothing to say or do, someone who will get all your nonsense..
and I know I still haven't answer ..do I believe...?
once upon a time I did, then I didn't, right now, as my life is at this exact moment that I'm sitting in front of my work computer waiting for this dumb customer to open her system I can tell....I DON'T KNOW...I know Im going through some transition stage right now, I can definitely tell that, if this is growing up damn, it hurts. I know I have deep strong feelings that have root deep inside my soul to places I didnt even know I had, at this point I dont know what it is, I do know it has scared the living shit out of me, I found out that one night while reviewing my day at the backyard, is that love? if it is..well...we will leave that whole story on how I realize I was so scared for another post cause this one is just way too long....
what about you? do you believe in love?
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
:::midnight bottle-Colbie Caillat:::
I’ve got a midnight bottle gonna drink it down
A one way ticket takes me to the times we had before
When everything felt so right
If only for tonight I’ve got a midnight bottle gonna ease my pain
From all these feelings driving me insane
When I’m with you and everything’s all right if only for tonight
Got a midnight bottle drifting off into the candlelight where I can find you in your time
A midnight bottle I forgot how good it felt to be in a dream just like you had me
Cuz lately I’ve been stumbling feels like I’m recovering
But I think it’s only for tonight
so looking forward to get drunk tonight...
A one way ticket takes me to the times we had before
When everything felt so right
If only for tonight I’ve got a midnight bottle gonna ease my pain
From all these feelings driving me insane
When I’m with you and everything’s all right if only for tonight
Got a midnight bottle drifting off into the candlelight where I can find you in your time
A midnight bottle I forgot how good it felt to be in a dream just like you had me
Cuz lately I’ve been stumbling feels like I’m recovering
But I think it’s only for tonight
so looking forward to get drunk tonight...
chicken soup for the soul
I used to like to see that TV show, I know it was based on some inspirational books by Jack Canfield, they were really sweet stories and really encouraging, and being as I am I would end up crying each and every episode. [and reading the whole post back it has nothing to do with the rest of it, it was just a blast from the past]
since maybe 6 or 7 years ago I used to do a check up at the end of the year and set up a states I would like to end my year like, it was something like this...
2002 I end up with a boyfriend
2003 I end up pregnant
2004 I end up married
2005 I end up trying to safe my marriage
2006 I end up separated
2007 I was hoping to end it up divorce
2008 I was hoping to end it up divorce and living on my own
2009 who knows.. I got tired of hoping
I guess I stopped doing that review cause looking backwards that way was way way too disappointing, facing the fact that I screw my life year after year and made my self deaf to all the advises coming from the people around me who saw me getting so close to the edge is too frustrating, just makes me feel like getting out of my body and kick myself over and over till my foot would fall.
now, we are really close to the end of the year, that feared annual review is getting really close, this year started with the same vision as the previous ones, "this will be a good one, and we will end it up better than how we started it", many of the goals I set up for myself hasn't been accomplished, they are not even close to get started at some point, but some other things have been done that I had no idea that would happen. so I would say doing a fair balance, this has been so far a good year, I had my share of tears, that night I cried like I haven't cry in such a long long time, that type of crying that u can feel a deep pain the chest, Ive also had really good moments that would make me smile every time I bring those memories up, Ive come up to know that somethings I thought were pure fiction of a fairy tale can actually exist and they are for real, and Ive also come up to grow mature in a lot of things I thought I would never was gonna be able to.
I just can now look forward what's coming ahead
since maybe 6 or 7 years ago I used to do a check up at the end of the year and set up a states I would like to end my year like, it was something like this...
2002 I end up with a boyfriend
2003 I end up pregnant
2004 I end up married
2005 I end up trying to safe my marriage
2006 I end up separated
2007 I was hoping to end it up divorce
2008 I was hoping to end it up divorce and living on my own
2009 who knows.. I got tired of hoping
I guess I stopped doing that review cause looking backwards that way was way way too disappointing, facing the fact that I screw my life year after year and made my self deaf to all the advises coming from the people around me who saw me getting so close to the edge is too frustrating, just makes me feel like getting out of my body and kick myself over and over till my foot would fall.
now, we are really close to the end of the year, that feared annual review is getting really close, this year started with the same vision as the previous ones, "this will be a good one, and we will end it up better than how we started it", many of the goals I set up for myself hasn't been accomplished, they are not even close to get started at some point, but some other things have been done that I had no idea that would happen. so I would say doing a fair balance, this has been so far a good year, I had my share of tears, that night I cried like I haven't cry in such a long long time, that type of crying that u can feel a deep pain the chest, Ive also had really good moments that would make me smile every time I bring those memories up, Ive come up to know that somethings I thought were pure fiction of a fairy tale can actually exist and they are for real, and Ive also come up to grow mature in a lot of things I thought I would never was gonna be able to.
I just can now look forward what's coming ahead
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
when pills are not what I need....
so, today its a holiday and I'm here stuck at work, what consumerism has done to me; good thing it was a soft day, bad part I was not able to do as much transfers as I wanted cause we were so few people in the morning that was going to show up a lot. so, as I had a few minutes in hand to do anything I was reviewing some of my personal notes, some kinda journal Ive been writing to keep a track on what's going on in my life, I have such a crappy memory that by now I don't even remember half of what happened during the weekend, and that has nothing to do with the beers I had at the beach, they did nothing but to get me sleepy and to get my mom with smoke getting out of her ears, that's always fun, specially cause they are sponsored by my dad and its not coming out of my pocket.
anyway, so I was reading that and realize its been almost a year that Ive been going back and forth on some decision making process, life can definitely change from one day to the other, and Ive notice how much Ive change, a lot of improvement Ide like to say, but some of the most important aspects in my life remain the same, I keep doing the same thing, making decisions that I will not be able to keep, being so weak to change my mind based on someone else's intervention, at this point Ive come to decide that if I could get a super power Id like to be a mind reader, that would make my life easier, period,., so this time trying to keep myself into the road Ive chosen so many times during this last year in my life, curiously what Ive decided that is supposed to make me feel better is making me feel really bad, it makes me wonder if I'm doing what I'm supposed to [ that sounds so lame ] anyway, I just hope something good will come out of all this.
things with the kid are not getting any better or worst, they are just there, I wish I could believe those people who tell me I'm a good mother, I cannot get my kid into follow instructions, its really hard when living with the master of knowledge and wisdom, who will always have the answer on how things must be done but for some mysterious reason he will keep that knowledge for his own but he will always be there available to criticize what I'm doing.
besides that, life's been doing good, that smile I see every night and that sleepy look telling me mamma I love you makes the whole day worth living, no matter how many fights and how much day could have sucked,.,that single moment, the fact of having someone who needs to grab my hand to fall asleep warms my heart and gives me the strength to go on one more day,,.,
anyway, so I was reading that and realize its been almost a year that Ive been going back and forth on some decision making process, life can definitely change from one day to the other, and Ive notice how much Ive change, a lot of improvement Ide like to say, but some of the most important aspects in my life remain the same, I keep doing the same thing, making decisions that I will not be able to keep, being so weak to change my mind based on someone else's intervention, at this point Ive come to decide that if I could get a super power Id like to be a mind reader, that would make my life easier, period,., so this time trying to keep myself into the road Ive chosen so many times during this last year in my life, curiously what Ive decided that is supposed to make me feel better is making me feel really bad, it makes me wonder if I'm doing what I'm supposed to [ that sounds so lame ] anyway, I just hope something good will come out of all this.
things with the kid are not getting any better or worst, they are just there, I wish I could believe those people who tell me I'm a good mother, I cannot get my kid into follow instructions, its really hard when living with the master of knowledge and wisdom, who will always have the answer on how things must be done but for some mysterious reason he will keep that knowledge for his own but he will always be there available to criticize what I'm doing.
besides that, life's been doing good, that smile I see every night and that sleepy look telling me mamma I love you makes the whole day worth living, no matter how many fights and how much day could have sucked,.,that single moment, the fact of having someone who needs to grab my hand to fall asleep warms my heart and gives me the strength to go on one more day,,.,
weekend
saturday was the kids bday...for some reason special bday have suck big time this year...so we woke up and started fighting really bad, we had to go to a wedding at night, so we didnt have that much time to do something with him; he was so damn upset that he didnt want to do anything. I felt really bad, anyway, at the end my family gave him his presents and we head to the wedding, late by the way, but somehow we manage to get there right on time to see the whole thing, then we moved to the dinner, the kid behaved really good, or maybe was the kid sharing our table who made my kid look like an angel. we came back around 12:30 my mom stayed home and the next day we decided to go to the beach.
we went to have lunch there and to get the kids playing for a while, we invited my cousin with her family as my kid loves her son so much, they had a good time, sad note, they gave him some small cars and a transformer which he lost in the sea, so in case you find them please send them back to me, I felt so damn embarrassed with my cousin, we looked for the damn toys but there was no way to get them back.
[p.s: I know you two most be having a blast down the sea thinking how smart you were on running away from my toy-killer son but let me tell you , you could have waited till my cousin and her cheap husband were not around you trans-fucking-formers]
we went to have lunch there and to get the kids playing for a while, we invited my cousin with her family as my kid loves her son so much, they had a good time, sad note, they gave him some small cars and a transformer which he lost in the sea, so in case you find them please send them back to me, I felt so damn embarrassed with my cousin, we looked for the damn toys but there was no way to get them back.
[p.s: I know you two most be having a blast down the sea thinking how smart you were on running away from my toy-killer son but let me tell you , you could have waited till my cousin and her cheap husband were not around you trans-fucking-formers]
Saturday, August 1, 2009
happy 5th birthday!
I gotta say this was a weird birthday, although it end up being a 3 days celebration [and we are still missing el mundo feliz next weekend :D].
I cant believe its been five years already, I still remember how it was when the doctor told me I was pregnant, the most weird mix of feelings Ive ever had, I was so damn happy but I was so damn scared too. you've been strong and you knew a lot of things even before I realize them, you've been so special and you have shown to be so mature in moments Ive failed on showing it. I know Ive failed you in so many ways, but your love for me remains there, untouchable, I need to remind myself not to give that for granted, cause I know that will not last forever.
I remember feeling so sleepy, I would fall sleep everywhere all the time, I would throw up everything I ate or drink, I couldn't hold not even water, and also remember feeling my belly expanding so much up to feel my skin wont hold it and I would just explode. we were in a room shared with other 4 moms with their newborns, they would all cry and cry all night, you...you only wanted to sleep, I couldn't sleep that night, I just wanted to look at you, checking you perfect feet, your small hands, your hair, your hair damn...you had so much jajaja, that night it rained, our bed was right next to the window, and it was raining hard and there were a lot of lightnings, I was so worried they would wake you up, but I guess you were so tired that nothing could disturb your sleep.
once at home I used to go check on you every 5 minutes, when I got tired of doing that I would just stayed there, sitting next to your crib watching you cause I was worried you might stop breathing at some point, you made no noise whatsoever, the breastfeeding thing was really hard, definitely we have gone through really heavy things, but you have been so strong to hold my hand and give me the strength I needed to keep on going.
this last year has been really difficult for both of us, looks like we are both going through some transition stages, very important ones, and even though we are going through this hard times at the end of the day you always have my hand to hold on to and fall sleep, and I always have your lovely sleepy look telling me you love me.
happy birthday gordito, you have no idea what having you in my life means, you are the reason to wake up everyday, open my eyes and wonder...what the hell is he going to do today?? and I cant wait to get home and find the new surprise of the day.
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