what do you think it is, a calling???

Beverly: When will this job ever end!
Jason: You call it a job!
Beverly: Well, what do you think it is, a calling?
riding in cars with boys. (2001)

I saw this movie yesterday, like for the 20th time, but for some reason, yesterday really got me, somehow I can relate my life to that situation, specially with that scene; yes, for me it is a job, the toughest one, the one I really wish I could quit; shame on me, YES! no doubt about it, but its too much and I don't know how to do it, my lack of so many things that pretty much has got me in what I´m living right now, its also the one that is not letting me go on with this task.

poor kiddo, yes, I feel bad about him, cause the poor dude its pretty much screwed up, a mom who doesn't know how to be a mom, and a dad who has never been a dad, and pretty much will never be...sending him to his dad´s its not an option, even if he say yes to keep the kid, and even I don't want to do this anymore, I cant do something like that to this kid, that would be just like....I don't know...not giving a shit about him.....and I cant do something like that. cant give up on this, but I'm completely overwhelmed at this point, totally frustrated, those kisses and hugs are not enough, and the smiles unfortunately do not make it, harm is beyond all that.

anyway, got 2 weeks to work on this, sadly, both of us feel better when Im not around...

Beverly: I'm 22 years old - that's almost 30, and I still haven't accepted that this is my life. And I just wish that I could be dumb. And then I wouldn't know better and I could be happy and stop hoping. And I'm telling you this like you're interested in my boring life.

at this point I think desperate situations need desperate solutions, taking some new actions from now on, we will see if it works, cant give up on him, Ill be giving up on some things from my side, it hurts, but its time to set priorities, and definitely he´s got to be mine.

and I´ve been thinking..is this so hard for all moms out there?

bad weekend...tons of HW...

coffee..............2
cigz...none..since friday :P

yesterday was such a crappy day, knowing I had so much work to do, but being so damn sleepy that I couldn't do a thing, couldn't sleep cause I had to watch out the kid, wanting night so bad to come but at the same time not cause of the big fight that I knew was coming.
at the end...there was no fight.. he knows what hurts me the most...
anyway, thanks to that, today, morning was fine, working in logica and sociedad, afternoon was bad, wanting him to leave, good thing he took the kids to choose the dog for my sis...
I'm so tired of this HW, and I'm not even close to finish, I also have to wait till they start working on it so they can help me with the parts I'm missing and that I don't know how to do them.
I've been working on this all afternoon, at this point I'm just procrastinating and just thinking something else, some images in my mind I don't need to have right now, good memories but they take me totally out of focus of what I'm trying to do.
the kid has a football game tomorrow, so Ill go watch him and then Ill go deliver my hw so it can get deliver later at the time the miss has specified jajaja

in pain// team meet // Evelynz bar

cigz....lost the count.....and still missing some...............
coffee.............1
tea......eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww


and this was supposed to be a good day....Im finally going on vacations and...so far it sucks...Im in pain again. ive been looking for my perfect pill but havent found it yet. at least we have availability...

update...12:47

so ..as I am una gran chillona as Shepe said....I went to get a shut, hoping it will relief the pain, but now Im in worst conditions as before..

fucking shut hurts....the pain is still there...I cant eat and my hands are shaking....tan chillona....

just hope Ill be ok for tonight, it will be a shame making so many arrangements to skip class for nothing.

update...1:06 am..
and this was supposed to be a good day....I'm finally going on vacations and...so far it sucks...I'm in pain again. I've been looking for my perfect pill but haven't found it yet. at least we have availability...
update...12:47
so ..as I am una gran chillona as Shepe said....I went to get a shut, hoping it will relief the pain, but now I'm in worst conditions as before..fucking shut hurts....the pain is still there...I cant eat and my hands are shaking....tan chillona....just hope Ill be ok for tonight, it will be a shame making so many arrangements to skip class for nothing.
update...1:06 am..
I'm at the team meeting...trying to get drunk...pain...still hurting like shit......someone said getting drunk will work...so far doesn't seem to be enough....we´ll see later...
Evelyn is in charge of the drinks........FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm just staying away of the bar jajajaja no shows from my end, want to have good memories from tonight :P posting later the highlights

..............................peace out .............................

happy Bday gordita

cigz...none...(so far) [update 4 hours later] :::3 cigz:::
coffee....2 ...update...still 2
today´s my sis bday...that lil girl pisses me off very often, and unfortunately she is so just like me, I would say she might be even a lil bit worst...I feel bad cause she is living things she should know by this time, she worries about some grown up stuff...she should be aware of but, I just hope that will help her to know how to handle things like that when her time comes. anyway....gordita...I know you hate me calling you like that but you know its cause I love you with all my heart and I just hope you´ll grow up to be so much better than me. luv you and hope you have a great bday :D
*-*-
so we got back from the bday celebration..I'm feeling so tired but have a wolf mask to finish, and as usual the customer is already sleep so I cant make sure it will fit ok, we´ll see that in a rush tomorrow.
went to see my grandma, my old lady is looking worst, I hate this cause, now, that it looks like the end is close..and if not I really hope it is cause I hate to see her that way, she used to be so full of life and joy...anyway...what I don't like its feeling this way, feeling that I hope everything will end up soon, don't like to see her so uncomfortable, don't like how it feels not knowing what to say, not knowing how to help, and if I just stay standing in that room I feel I'm just interfering, hope everything gets better soon.

FnF 4

cigz...3
coffee....3

and I finally got to see my movie....definitely was worth the wait, although gotta be honest, happened to me the same thing as with the dark knight,.,I was waiting that for so long and my expectations were so so high...that I spend the whole movie waiting for something more...but definitely was a good good movie,.,let´s hope FnF 5 will be up to the predecessors...my personal favorite ones....FnF 1, 3 and 4...and I keep saying it...I'm sooooo in love with the ford mustang..that´s my fav of all...got to see that awesome car doing some racing there...N-I-C-E..luv it! that car takes my breath away all the time jajaja

and got the so long waited call...my notebook is coming on tuesday aaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwww
finally...we will be just missing the other lil kid so we will be totally packed and ready :D nice...so happy, just waiting for the big kahuna to get the wireless thing done and we will be all set.

::Dream-Priscilla Ahn::

cigz...3
coffee...1

today I had to go to the kidz school again...to hear the same complain as the last meeting. kid is not working, refuses to follow instructions and he is totally unable to stay sitting while working or having his meal,.,damn, he is not even allowed to have his break at the playground anymore; worst thing...he just DONT GIVE A FUCK about it,.,how am I supposed to help him? have no idea...

Been doing some google-ing about it, we are gonna start having few rules at the house, we´ll see if they work this time, but Im totally frustrated about, not actually about his behaviour but most of all cause of his IDGAF attitud.

work..worst than ever, Im getting really tired of these damn customers, but I really need the money so I´ll have to stick around for a while, till I find a really good option out there, so far its not easy out there, even people who had leave looking for something better are coming back, so definitely its not a good time to go out searching right now.

grandma still is doing really bad...not getting worst..but not improving, last saturday was really really fucked up but she´s holding on so that´s good. I totally admired that old lady, how she manage to raise her 6 kids will always be a mistery to me, I whish she would do a lil bit more talking so she can teach me something but, guess we run out of time now.

anyway...have tons of HW to do and no will to do them ( que raro yo..), at least the renta thing is done and the diploma thing seems to be at least worked around with no more issues, hate to go to the ministerio but..gotta do it

congrats to my friend...100 POSTS!!!!!...Ill cath you up soon :P jajajaja

Faithless-Don't leave

:::and that´s saying a lot:::

and today I realize Ive been listening to the same playlist at work and here in my house for the last....month ??...dunno...for some time now,., I notice that while back in the backyard watching the lil rain we got and catch myself just going through all the tracks cause I found them boring, so, I decided to come and look for some new tracks to add..
after a few weeks without finding one, [actually just right now that Im writting this I remember I found one new artist of the week but...didnt post it, and I was trying to stay away of the pc so I didnt actually download anything about this artist,.,we will go back to that one later...anyway] so I found this song, and Ive decided this will be the artist of the week,.,I know its late, almost teaser day but...but late..:D




I HAD to add this one here...

...Close your eyes and lean on me

Cool and calm, the water is

Take me higher

I'll come with you...

back from vacations..

and we got back from Montecristo last night, we were so dirty and tired, after checking my emails and eating something I went straight to take a bath, I felt like if I hadn't bath for weeks. water felt really good. the trip was really good, we went to a couple of rives and we stayed at a camp, it was really good cause it was a small house with beds and bathroom and kitchen and dining room…definitely not a regular camp jajja so new century camping jajaja…definitely we have to go again, I want to make that other trip, but Ill be exercising to get ready for that one, I know the 45 mins walks almost killed me jajaj I was seriously thinking on staying there, I couldn't walk no more, it was uphill from the rive back to the camp…damn it was so bad, but we have to go to el trifinio, its a 4 hours walk but its definitely worth it, the last time I went there was like…13 years ago…I hope I can still make it.

and now I'm waiting for my official vacations to start, hope Ill be able to do something, I get really bored staying at home all day. we´ll see how the planning goes, in the meantime I'm waiting for my baby, its supposed to come this Friday and I'm getting the wireless svc ready hopefully will be ready by that time.

on my way…

on my way to Montecristo…hurted, upset, wasted, sleepy…

I'm hurt cause I thought this time was going to be different, I'm upset cause even though I knew that was not true I was still keeping hopes on it, wasted cause I drank too much and sleepy cause I couldn't sleep almost anything…

anyway…Ill be back on sunday and then we will start all over again,., lets hope everything looks more clear then…

coffee…coffee..coffee…

…and finally I got it…juajuajua[creepy laugh]…no f*cking tax software will beat me HA!

so I'm working on this tax thing, I haven´t finish but at least I hope they´ll give me some money back…weird thing…I found out I earned less money than the year before…hhuummm…I wonder WTH happened there…anyway….Ill start checking up more in detail my paycheck, definitely its not funny thing to be hearing so much crap and on top of that not to receive all what I'm supposed to.,.,anyway..

today was a weird day, good cause…finally I got some sales, God I hate to lie to the customers, karma will come along, I just hope wont get it with my notebook :D [BTW,.,9 more days to go…yeay!!] in the other hand bad, I got the news today that I'm getting an action plan, sucks cause my metrics are supposed to be ok, was just the TS that was not doing as it should, but that was it, no need to get me into that thing, and sucks even more cause its all just because some people its getting out of the team, if it wasn't cause of that..I would be out of the radar as I like it to be…damn metrics I hate them…but as my previous-previous manager used to say…you, and your boss and your fucking metrics me pueden venir valiendo v&%$%$”·&….. [this is my own version dedicated to who may concern jajajajja]

and I saw a very interesting coffee today…ñum…I'm definitely getting one for me one of these days…now the frap coco-cappuccino I like to take doesn't look as good as before jajajajja…I luuuuuv coffee…

death and taxes…

:: no matter what you do, you will always end up hurt……love waits, passion gives up::

I heard these today and I thought…is it true? I guess its human nature to try to keep themselves away from pain, its just natural survival instinct, but then, you think…is it worth to take the chance? just to let your self go, no matter what…no expectations set just the pure satisfaction of living the moment…

don't know…too complicated stuff for me I guess, all the questions Id like to ask to someone…someday Ill find the know-it-all that will give me all the answers I want…

“Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, ybou'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.” William Parrish, meet Joe Black 1998

“I let someone in, and I had the time of my life.[…] And I say this from the deepest part of my heart. What are you waiting for? Erica Barry, something´s gotta give 2003

“I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.” Noah, the notebook, 2004

and after all that crap supporting the theory of “take the chance // size the day” this is for me the most real thing I´ve heard in a movie…

“Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing. [,.,]So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. “

ok..enough crap for a day….

gotta go pay my taxes….

[the only certain thing in life…death and taxes…]

mediocre??

most of the time, when I do my writing, I'm either drunk or upset or sad, today…today I'm pretty much tired, its been a tired week, in all senses.

I received the score of my test today, Lic, thank you so much! I know I totally do not deserve that 6, but guess that this is one of the times that been on time and to show up everyday makes it up.

as usual I'm doing my monthly review, the self-assessment that I usually do myself when things get like these. well, weird feeling I have right now, not sure if its cause of the tiredness or what, don't feel happy not sad, I'm just…here…pretty much…breathing….

I've been thinking on all this thing, classes, the job, the kid, the…life overall…I don't like it so far, I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not actually complaining about it, cause, its a good one but…it could be better, I'm trying to focus on the positive, as Xiomy told me one day, just to live the moment, to enjoy what is being given and to stop thinking about the future as its gonna take care of it by itself, and I guess somehow she is right, I'm conscious that I've missed a lot cause I keep focusing on what´s next, on what´s gonna happen, on trying to know everything, but I was thinking….staying that way…just enjoying what´s being given to me…isn't that like…being..mediocre???

dunno….just know that there are some things that I wish them so badly and now….they don't feel that great, not that are not great, but I got the feeling I had to give up to things that were way much important for me that what I have now….and if I cant have it all, I rather go back…..will see how things go…peace out :P

Grow old with you

I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad

Carry you around when your arthritis is bad

All I wanna do is grow old with you

I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches

Build you a fire if the furnace breaks

Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

I'll miss you

I'll kiss you

Give you my coat when you are cold

I'll need you

I'll feed you

Even let ya hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink

Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink

I could be the man who grows old with you

I wanna grow old with you

your love is black-Kaskade

Seems I lost my way last night

But I was reborned by daylight.

Seems I get another chance

Another chance to dance away

Now you bring your loving back

But don't you know your love is black?

And now your here pooring in the dark

'Cause you can't see inside my heart

[...]

Seems you lost your way last night

You were back here by daylight

And now your words are black and cold

And your lies are tired and old

Nature is calming me

'Cause your love was harming me

And now I shed that colder harm

I wasn't safe there in your arms