when you know what you want but what you know you want is not what you want

have you ever feel like...you know what you want but when you think you have that thing you think you want you think its not what you want but you know its what you want but you dont actually have it or dont actually want it cause its not what you want.... [and this just totally doesnt make any sense, pretty much I was angry and in need to type...for some weird reason typing helps my angryness to go away..]

third day with stomach acting as a bitch...fifth day with the head bugging in a very random way...tired of this...guess I know what's causing it...but...ehmm...this too shall pass...

so at the end, things worked out ok, I knew everything was gonna be ok but for some weird reason I freaked out even though all the most sane and obvious reasons were there, and I knew them for a fact..was such a fucked up end to the whole story cause, all those mixed emotions come up at once, sucks! well...but that's over...

...how do you ask someone to tell you something about something you know but you dont want to ask that person to tell you something about that thing you know cause you want that person to tell you something about that thing but cause feels the need to say something about that thing not cause you are asking that person to say something....

remember when

so.. this is the cheesy song I said before, I know I mention some sort of story but, I had a weird dream last night and cant think of anything else right now. so, Ill just post the song before I forget...It´s Alan Jackson "remember when", and the video are some scenes from the movie "The Notebook" [que conveniente jaja]...yes yes I like country music , y que?! :D jajjajaja

start , stop , continue

start
*kissing me more
*answering your phone and text messages when Im with you
*sharing your weekend plans with me (you dont have to take me with you..I just would like to know where you are :$)
*giving more clear rules on this, I never know where or when or in front of who Im allow to hug you
*teaching me to be so mature and calm like you

stop
*keeping things for yourself, I need feedback too
*smoking

continue
*hugging me
*being so sweet
*caring about me
*telling me when Im doing wrong
*listening to me talking about my kid 24/7
*interested on getting to know me better
*letting me know you better
*being so patient with me
*sync to watch weeds every tuesday night
*watching movies with me

10 days and counting

so...10 days so far [maybe a lil more] ...and I can tell...they have been the worst days ever, I was supposed to wait till friday but last night I was freaking out so badly that I decided I will take care of this tomorrow..cant wait any longer. been trying to sell myself the idea everything will be ok and all the reasons why I KNOW everything will be fine but somehow I keep streesing, and stressing gets things worst and as it gets worst I stress even more and so on and so on..

my sleeping issues are getting worst, Im sleepy all day; falling sleep at my cube at all times, Im also sleepy at night but for some reason I cant sleep...I need my sleeping pills so bad and also to stop thinking so many useless things...

so many things to do tomorrow, mm...just wondering if I should be going through all this alone...just a thought...

trying to keep me alive

so..as im dying bored here ...and as I have nothing to do, my mind keeps on daydreaming and desperatly looking for ways to keep up alive and sane....Ive realize two things....

one...I was about to get my ass kicked out of here cause of email capture...and now, Im not gonna get fired cause of that, but cause of me sending customers to hell..:S

two..I closed my hi5 account and didnt realize I didnt save any of the journals I had there....[fuck! :( ] ...I dont quite remember the things I added there but, I found really interesting to go back to old things and just review them, read what was bouncing in my mind by that time...Ive found that really useful sometimes when I read things back; times Ive done that Ive realize either what was disturbing me back then was something really stupid or I realize I went through something really bad...and got over that :D

...any idea on how to get them back??? :(

and then I wonder why....

so, as I grew old I saw a lot of things going on around me and I swear to myself I was never going to do those type of awful things....and guess what??? I’m exactly like her and I’m doing the same things as she did, is so sad to think that my kid feels better when I’m not around, at least that's how I used to feel with her,., I’m feeling really sad, I’m embarrassed on how I’m handling things and its really frustrating.,., hiding back the lame excuse of that's how I am makes me feel even worst,., poor kid

since cant remember how long I’ve been listening to the same thing, that I runaway of the things I don’t like or don’t go the way I'd like them to; instead of fighting for what I want I just give up and stay away, I’m conscious on how things are doing, I know they are not doing good, I’ve been doing some changes around, and I can tell I’m not feeling as bad as I thought I was gonna feel, weird and bad things that have happened after the change; a) I never have money, and that's something it never happened to me before, now I just have the money to pay the bills, I’m not even buying things for the kid as I used to do before or going out or even eating....where the hell is all my money going away??? Have no idea..b) Things with the kid haven't improved so it was useless the change

So been carrying a lot of frustra.......

..and I just realize what a selfish bitch I am...instead of thinking how he might be feeling, I keep talking about how I feel, my frustrations, my anger....damn...and then I wonder why things are doing how are doing....

so naive...

so...I was blogging as I do everyday to start my day at work and found a post where she shows a video about a girl being touch while walking in the so feared "vietnam" in our colorful stadium....embarrassing...
I've never consider myself a feminist, but I do think we deserve more respect, I'm tired of that image of the women belonging just to the house, serving to men with such a submissive attitude...nah...that's not for me...
maybe that's why I have never fit in my family gatherings...so this is what always happens...they get to the place of the meeting you'll see the same thing happening...men will go straight to the dining room or the living room meanwhile...women will go straight to the kitchen to get them something to eat, to wait there and cook any crave they might have...to then wash the dishes and start cooking any kind of dessert and coffee, while they go take a nap....
so that was (is) how my (mom's) family behaves...so been witnessing such an unacceptable behavior I decided I was not gonna be that way...
not gonna lie...during the short time I was living with my kid's father, I found very fulfilling the experience of cooking some dinner and watching him eat it all and even asking for more, knowing I was doing something he liked and he enjoyed, I didn't found or felt that...like the classic machismo...why? cause he used to do things like that too...was not only me cooking but there were some night he used to cook dinner...as a matter of fact, most of the weekends he was the one in charge of breakfast letting me get a few minutes more to sleep; so I guess pretty much that's what I'm talking about, things gotta be a two way road...you give and you receive...no body is above the other one...no one is better than the other one....and I guess was not this what I was talking about...but kinda...
so thing is, I wonder..why men cant show up some respect for women on the street, yes, I understand and I accept, there are some girls who their clothes seems to shout "please feel free to touch me and stick up your hand wherever u want" sad...but...in the other hand, there are a lot (which turns out to be the most) women who are not going through life looking for attention, they are just out there..living..working...studying...and besides doing all that we have to be worrying on taking care of our anatomy cause some stupid looser will feel with the right on touching us just cause he feels like doing it...sad but true...and now having a proof of such low on moral values behavior broadcasted up there all over the internet...makes me feel so embarrassed and sad...I wonder how would any of those two stupid jerks feel if instead of being that poor girl...it was their mom or their sister going through that situation...I bet they would get so pissed off...why they don´t think twice before doing it???
and as naive as apparently I am all the time, I hope, that this new generation of women, standing up for their right of not to be touch and not hearing any kind of degrading comment towards them will rise kids showing them to respect women, at least that's my part...now that I think about it...it feels cool, knowing I'm doing something good for humanity,.,rising a kid that will respect women in the future :D

a comment totally outside what I´ve been talking up here…looking for a song I heard in one of my ways back home, I founded the most cheesy-i-est song ever!!!! it brought up to my mind a story I havent told here…maybe I had but not in detail…but mñe…this post is already way too long like to start that other one…we´ll leave that one for a future post…

just two weeks....the beggining...

and Im spending two [hopefuly] weeks downstairs on LVR...cant post down there...I cant think....its a weird feeling to be busy all the time...absolutely no availability whatsoever but at the same time, feeling my brain totally shut down..hibernation mode...disable...not being used at all but besides the most basic needs...breathing...dialing extension...saying the same opening more than 300 times a day...

I hate it!!!!!




Almost gave up yesterday, almost made it to the top
Short of dying just the other day, fell short of picking up a mop
If it's the thought that counts, you can always count on me
I think about it all the time
It's going to hit me like a bolt of white lightning
Here it comes, my peace of mind

Cause I'm close, so close, so close
I'm close, so close, so close

Falling short of proving it, just a hair from the truth
Little shy of improving it, here I come, I'm coming through
Pretty soon I'm going to shed this skin I'm wearing
I've been keeping it inside
No one cares just how you got there
No one cares how hard you've tried

But you're close, so close, so close
You're close, so close, so close

Well I've known you forever, we complete each other's thoughts
Ain't like we never got in trouble, it's just we've never gotten caught

And if you've got a secret
It's in me you can confide
And if we ever get split up
I'll always be on your side

Cause we're close, so close, so close
We're close, so close, so close

if you just realize what I just realize...

and this coming weekend I have parciales...ask me if I have study...NOT!.. 3 out 5 of my classes are safe, good thing logic is one of them cause this last thing I just dont get it...Ive been looking for someone who can explain me but...well...and...mmm...



things are doing good...well...no...things are the same...[add rolling eyes here plz]..but Im just trying to see the bright side and hoping for the best to come. The kid hasnt been doing good at school and I will be changing him to another school in this coming months, we'll see if the change helps him, at least he will be with his cousins and Ill save a few bucks too, work...mm...at least I still have one, so that's good...I better dont think about the house cause, who knows what's gonna happen there, bright side....mmm....oO...mm...Ill think about it (+.+)...everything else...is good, weird cause Ive come to notice, I have develop some...skills...Ive never though I could have, keeping my mouth shut and learning how to keep somethings to myself seems to help to save world's peace...but still, sometimes I wonder if that's how things should be, but ...living is easy with eyes close...I mean...well..., if they dont wanna listen want I have to say....I better shut up, right....or not?

and we love them.....

...I usually watch tv with my kid, and I do like most of the shows he watch...but this one along with my sister...we love it!

kaizen-ing my life....

and my filosofia class is almost over, pretty much we are just missing the last exam, the very last subject was really interesting, talking about Kaizen and how we can get it apply pretty much in everything we do. I wish we would have talked about that lot more, feel I have so many things I still want to know.

souh, I was told to post about it, I don't exactly what to say, so pretty much this is the thoughts I've been left with after being introduce to the Toyota way....Im planning on working and applying the kaizen into my dad´s work, I already talked with him and he is very excited about it, good thing he is very open-minded and is willing to let me work on it. will require a lot of work, specially cause Ill have to spend a lot of time down there, cant apply changes if I don't know how things are working there right now. Kaizen is supposed to be able to be apply in every aspect in our life so, also, I've been thinking on getting a more kaizen way of living, so that one will be the toughest of all I think, getting rid of things I'm doing that are not giving anything to my life, that one will take more time I think, but, we are working on it..

first step is, Seiri or Selecting...pretty much its based on going through all the stuff you have or all the things you do, and get rid of all the things that either you don't use or do not bring any advantage or real purpose on your life, one special recommendation my teacher did was, when doing this, to leave the things we are still not completely sure if they are useless packaged temporarily, if after a few months neither us or someone else have made real use of them, we must get rid of them.

so that´s pretty much what Ill be working on..Ill be uploading pics on how things are right now and show some of the progress we will be making,.,.once we are done with this one Ill be posting the next steps....

oO

and I so need to vent right now.....souh...been waiting for my notebook for almost 2 months now, actually over two months if we talk since the invoice date, at the beginning I thought, ok, there are some issues, I knew they wont honor the estimated delivery date, (fuck it! lets be real, I work at a computer company and I certainly know they almost never get to honor that for any x reason) and I can even tell, that I would be willing to wait, I mean, I already waited all this long, thinking on going into the refund battle ...damn..((((suspiro))))...anyway...what really really really pisses me off is these people refusing to give any kind of explanation or at least something that would be at least similar to one...we are getting no answer at all, guess that the threat of canceling all the orders end up getting things worst, so at this point we´ve been dealing with hours of hold time, getting hung up on, or recordings stating people is at lunch like for 2 hours, a bitch who seems to handle their call center and she is the only agent there cause she is always but ALWAYS on a call, a dude who dissapear; so convenient he doesnt work for them anymore, and the other girl who is never available, either she is in a call, or she is at a meeting, at the end, there´s nobody who can provide anything that can sound not even close to the most reasonable explanation on what´s going on...I hate sounding like one of my customer but definitely....ACTIONS WILL HAVE TO BE TAKEN...THIS ATTITUD IS TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE AND WONT BE TOLERATED ANYMORE..(hhmmm, I guess that´s not a customer but fuck that shit! it works right now jajajajaja) ....WE WILL GO TO THE DDC AND WILL GET THIS RESOLVED...."ASA FUCKING P" (jajaja sorry I had to quote that one, I really loved it when u said it jajajaja : p)

Im drowning......

this is like the fourth time I start writting this post but still doesnt feel right...have so many things in my mind I need to get out, but just cant...start typing and typing but, nothing seems to make sense...

so frustrating....having so much to say, but cant......fuck! :´(

y te voy a dedicar una cancion pues ... :P

You are my soul rock

When the tide is up

And the waves

Are crashing in on me

Soul rock

When I've had enough

Of the wreck of everything

These streets

Got an undertow

And the city is sinking

Ooohhh

You're the only hope

I hold on to

When I'm drowning

...cause you always make me realize what Im doing wrong, or when Im thinking on doing things I shouldnt, cause you always have a good advise to give me and cause you basically are just there, willing to listen to all my rant, and that is always deeply appreciated :D thanks for being my friend :D