so tired…

and once again, I'm trapped on my own reactions, once someone told me, think twice before you act…I know, I fucked up once cause of this. unfortunately that´s one, if not my biggest “area of opportunity”; I never think; I'm the most reactive person on earth. I should follow my own advise, the same one I always give to this person, over and over again “play smart, not hard”; why am I unable to follow my own advises? who knows…I'm feeling so stupid and pissed off right now…

there are few people who can actually get me to this level, but, I've come up to a decision, and even though its not gonna be easy to achieve, changes will be made to reach the goal…this time, its for real for real.

it pisses me off to be surrounded by people who are not able to hold accountable on their words, and yes, shame on me, it pisses me off even more the fact that things do not go the way I want them to; but, I guess, what makes me feel worst, its to feel so alone, having around so many people “who cares about me” not giving a shit on what´s going on, and to find support on the people who I'm supposed to be keeping away from me cause are “the worst of the worst”…and you know what? ironically at the end, they are the ones who are always asking, how am I doing? how am I feeling? please call me if you need something; cant remember when was the last time that any of you “people who care about me” asked me how I am or if I was in need of something IF you have EVER done something like that.

long post…not to be read

somehow people have got the idea I'm strong and smart and mature…have no idea how, I'm not strong, wish I could be, and definitely I haven't been smart enough to get myself out of bad situations I've gone trough…mature….guess my kid will have to raise me…that immature I am.

why am I talking about this? its just something that comes up to my mind every time I face things I don't know how to handle. and as the storm will never come alone, I'm getting everything at once, grandma is at the hospital doing very bad, hurts to see her in such a pain, my aunt is at the UCI, haven't been able to go to see her cause of the place she is, my other aunt is in bad conditions too, and my mom is so exhausted and feels so bad to see her like that, she has aged in just few months, and there´s no way Ill let her let me help.

have gone through some wrong roads lately, no regrets, but no happiness either. thought I had found what I've been looking for so long, but end up being the same thing than before, things being said the clearest as possible, I'm still in denial, hitting your face with the truth wall hurts, but it has to wake me up at last.

the vacations, that should be so long expected, are what I knew where going to be, a hell. just one more week to go, and hate to be here, but also hate the idea of going back to those customers. I need a change, but it gets me even more frustrated knowing that no matter what idea I can come up with to get all this out of my system, my hands and feet are tied, nowhere to go, nothing to do…hhhmmm…guess this last one is the reading proof of me just bitching around, hate to do homeworks, specially when I don't see the point of them, anyway.

going to class tomorrow and I hope I wont forget all the things I have to do, I have to take the pic for my titulo, have to get the titulo printed, have to take the titulo to el ministerio which I don't like to go, that people is so bored and rude, and then I have to take it to la Gavidia….and I have to do logica homework, which this time I'm planning to read before trying to do the homework, that´s what I've learned jajajaja.

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and reading this post back, damn so depresing and quejisto…..

I must start writting more fun and happy post from now on..if not I wont post…

but I will leave it here just as a reminder…

ouh I forgot

coffee [since wednesday] ….7

cigs [since wednesday]…9

on my way…

on my way to Montecristo…hurted, upset, wasted, sleepy…

I'm hurt cause I thought this time was going to be different, I'm upset cause even though I knew that was not true I was still keeping hopes on it, wasted cause I drank too much and sleepy cause I couldn't sleep almost anything…

anyway…Ill be back on sunday and then we will start all over again,., lets hope everything looks more clear then…