:::Goo goo dolls-before its too late:::

...so live like you mean it
live till you feel it
its all that we need in our lives...

I seem to be doing better of all this sickness thing, the kid got me a lil scared cause he had fever since yesterday afternoon and through the night he stayed at an average of 38º, though today he´s been doing really good.

happy birthday to my mom, sorry mom, you couldnt get away of my "mess up birthday" curse I seem to have this year, dunno why´s that and I certainly wished it wouldnt have happened with you, but damn, you do make it easy young lady. anyway, hope you find some fun in the middle of such darkness.

Im still in the search of some ways to deal with the kid, trying not to stress and to find some patient where I know I dont have any, but, gotta deal with it, there´s no other way.

everything else...dunno, just holding on I guess, for the first time ever I seem to be dealing pretty much good on it, [yeah right!] weird cause I know it has made me feel down really really bad but at the same time I just hope at the end its the best thing to do,., this is just one of those things that make me wish I could see the future to know if Im right or wrong...just time will tell I guess

and I just cant sleep

today has been a really really bad day...good thing is that is about to be over, weird thing, Ive been feeling so bad, not sickness way, since yesterday and as soon as I started typing I can finally cry.

sickness hasnt improved that much, but Ill be going to work tomorrow, we´ll see how that goes.

in the morning we catch up with most of the homework with the kid, that was awful, Im such a bad mother, he had 2 weeks to do all that homework that I made him do in one morning, and I even made him feel how bad he was cause he didnt want to do anything anymore. at noon I took my antibiotics and that thing makes me nausea and makes my body shake so I was not feeling good, besides the whole guilt and anger, I refused to go to my mom´s and made the kid go with my dad and my sister. its is so hard to believe how come after I gave him such a bad time the kid still rathers to stick around with me. anyway, spent the whole afternoon alone, pretty much laying in the couch thinking on something to fix this whole situation. so when my mom finally came home with the kid we started talking about all this thing she thinks the kid has. I have no idea how, but we end up arguing, that right there was me collapsing of so many things that are just going wrong in my life, ....so at the end she left the house upset with me, so there it goes, one more thing to add to the list.

anyway...

I couldnt sleep, planned to watch some movies and to felt asleep that way but had so many things in my mind that thought on some catarsis here as usual, and my dad just came here to try to talk to me, he just killed the whole catarsis thing :( that will help in my plan of getting the kid in some kind of schedule that is supposed to help him get better, hopefuly that´ll do.

everything else, I dont know, guess we will leave that one a side, even though its really hurting; but the sickness, the kid, my mom...too many balls in the air right now I just cant handle anything else. all I can say about that is, I thought I was not gonna be able to do it this time, seems like I was wrong on that, just wish Im wrong on the things that made me go this way but, guess that is one of those things we will never know huh?

kicked out

since we moved back to my dad´s house....that was like...over 3 years now, the kid has been sleeping with me, mostly due space issues, there´s absolutly no room to put another bed for him. so ever since then I havent been able to have a good night sleep, well, actually Im lynig on that one, ever since I GOT HIM I havent been able to get a good night sleep; what Ive been thinking about since then is How is it gonna be when I finally get him in his own bed? is he gonna cry for me? coming in the middle of hte night back to my bed or just yelling my name ?

and just today I was kicked out of my own bed.....

last night my mom decided was a good idea due my sickness of me not sharing the room with the kid so we will avoid him getting sick, which it made sense, so I put him to sleep and then my sis took my place, so up to there we were fine, next day it was around 8 am and he was still sleep, [ let me add this detail in case I have never mentioned this here before, he will always, let me rephrase that he will ALWAYS wake up at 6 am on saturdays] so, today before I put him to sleep he goes and say "you are not sleeping here, sarita is sleeping here with me" and then it hitted me, right in my liver....I got kicked out of my bed...out of my room...out of my kid`s sleep needs...

anyway...Im doing better now, the pills are definitely working, although there´s one that makes my whole body shake, so that is really annoying, I feel like an old person. I really hate that makes me feel so weak, but hopefuly that would end up soon :D

I was realizing something today, Ive been dying to smoke...friday night, I was feeling like if I was gonna die..right there...in the middle of my mom´s dining room trying to have some dinner...so then I thought, if I keep on smoking Ill die like this, trying to breath and just wont be able to never ever again like NUNCA JAMAS! so then I thought..Im not smoking ever again...

but Im so dying to do it right now...how sad is that....

before or after

?: souh...how´r u feelin?

me: before the pills or after the pillls?

?: oO..ehmm..both?

me: before the pills I feel like dying, after the pills I feel like shit

?: :s..ok

*-*-*-*-*

BTW, thanks to Jazz for the invite, do I have dreams? HELL YEAH! last night I had one so weird, Im just hoping I still have the whole thing in my mind once I come back from the doctor´s appointment so I can post it :D

sick at home

and I am sick...I was gonna go to work to go to the clinic and take the risk whether the doc was gonna send me home or not, but my dad told me it would be better to stay home, so I had to do what I had to do, went straight back to bed. as the day is getting warmer and the pills are starting to knock me down, Im feeling a lil bit better, at least I can sit down without having the feeling to move in slow motion to get all my bones sitting in the appropriate place or the place they rather to stay so they wont hurt.
right now Im getting some player downloaded in the notebook to go and just connect my external hdd and spend the whole day lying in bed watching movies, I just dont want to move at all so Im looking for a way to get them all playing automatically one after the other one, damn media player doesn't wanna work for me this time and this other download Im doing is taking forever, so in the meantime Im just listening to some music,one of my favorite tv shows is "live from Abbey Road" but for either reasons I havent been able to watch it lately, and its from there were I take my artist of the week, I just found one, I love blues, and while youtubing I found this song, which I love by the way, I loved it even more cause its being performed by two artist that I really like.,.,and the lyrics...well...que te puedo decir....what are the odds huh?

behold my new artist of the week Ben Harper and Jack Johnson [ooohhh I love Jack Johnson]...

Don't do me any favors
matter of fact why don't you
do yourself a few
your presence ain't nobody's blessing
I've got plenty of other things
I could do
oh no, not another excuse
your tired silly games
for me are just no use
and now it's plain for me to see
you're with somebody
that you don't want to be
so won't you
please please me like you want to
not like you have to
or won't you just go on and leave me
leaving me is the least
that you could do
you could have spared me
so much misery
and told me you just wanted
a friend
believe me there is a difference
when you mean it
and when you pretend
or was I just you habit
cause I know a habit
is a hard thing to break
but won't you spare me
a little mercy
there's only so much
that I can take
but won't you
please please me like you want to
not like you have to
or won't you just go on and leave me
leaving me is the least
that you could do