lo que no fue en tu año... no te hace daño...

so that is something any normal mature person knows already, there are things that are supposed to be left behind, and it definitely makes sense. to be thinking about the past doesnt help to our present. well, yes. if we learn about those past experiences, take the learning and we dont mess with that past anymore.
But there are people like...ehm like... lets just say there are people who "tend" to be messing up with those things... why? who the hell knows..., really stupid to be checking pics, posts, notes, comments, etc. u gotta question yourself... was in ur time?.. ehm no..., raise my case, there`s nothing that can be said there.

times like these....

I never understood when my mom said she wished she could have her kids in a crystal box, to save us from anybody who could hurt us. I never understood till now that Im a mom myself.

I wish I could have my kid in a safe place, where nobody and nothing could hurt him. I had a talk with him today, that Ive been afraid was gonna happen at any point. Im guessing I will never be ready for these type of things, no matter how much I think ahead, and doesnt matter the smart answer I might have planned, facing the fact of my kid going through some uncomfortable situation, just makes my heart ache.

when his father and I split up, I always tried to had clear in my mind, one thing was that person as a husband and another one as a father. so I spent months beggin him to take the kid out, he always used as excuse he didnt have money. didnt matter how many options I tried to give him, options where he didnt have to spend money to be with his kid, he never did it. his family were the ones who constantly came to visit him and to take him out. so I gave up on the pushing for that, as time passed by the kid stopped calling him daddy and started calling him uncle. gotta be honest, I never got him out of his mistake, deep inside I was happy. and aparently his father never cared. so time went by...and the kid kept on calling him that way.

today he comes and tells me.,.,you know my uncle doesnt understands me when I call him, nor him or my grandparents. and Im all like -mm, but how? what do you mean they dont understand you?. .yes-he said,-Im say uncle J and they go like uh? what? who? who are u talking to?, and then uncle J comes and say call me daddy; so I asked the kid-ok, how do you wanna call him?. and the kid said-uncle J, but he doesnt understands.
when we got to this point of the conversation, he had a sad face. he just turned around and fell asleep.

first I felt bad, I have no idea what goes into my kids head. which is the idea he has about a father. I never hide him who his father is, but nor the kid or his father cared on getting closer, now; for no apparent reason that man has decided to get closer to the kid. And he expects the kid just to come and call him dad just cause he wants to, for me is just unacceptable. specially when I see is getting my kid uncomfortable.

I wish I could have a smart answer for my boy, I wish I could tell him, fine, just call him whatever he wants you to call him, I rather I could just get him away from that people; times like these just make me wish I would have been smarter in the past and never got involved with that person, at least, that I would have never had a kid with him. I can deal with the pain and frustration and anger that person drives out of everybody around him, but knowing that he will do that to my kid makes me sad, makes me wish so many awful things toward him...

..things that would make lil tiny baby Jesus into tears...

para los incredulos...(wtf!)

here's the thing...for the past weeks (?) Ive been working really hard to improve myself in a lot of different aspects I consider I need to do some deep changes to have people around me happy and as consequence..me happy...( actually it should be the other way around)

One of the main changes is the fact of stopping a bit and think about the words that are about to come out of my mouth. Doesnt work all the time, there are a few ,.,situations,., where having me thinking over and over about what Im gonna say just ends up getting worst, even more when Im not allow to say the whole script Ive made up in my mind and I get my face hit with the "Ok, I got it" answer...and Im just loosing the point here...

the point of all that rant is...ok, bear with me a minute here,., Im not a very religious person, I dont go to church, I used to, but not anymore. do I believe in God? hhhmmm good question, and Im not gonna get into that; what I will say is, that I do like to think, there's something out there, bigger than me, that in those nights where thoughts would just not hold into a place inside my mind I could go out, smoke the night and speak them out,.,and this...whatever name you wanna call it, would listen,,.just that...,

and guess Ill just go straight to what is getting stuck in my throat anyway...

I just received an email,.,one of those chain things....with one of those inspiring stories about giving and sharing, waiting nothing in return and how God bless us no matter what, and how much we should regret all our sins blah blah blah...

but, its not the email, or the story what got me so disturb,,,its the person who sent it.

that person is the last person I need to be giving me advises, its one of those who will come to you, tell you "please, dont be sad, you are how you are cause you keep living in denial. come to God, he will change you as he changed me, he will bring peace to your heart and joy and happiness to your life, cant you see the peaceful in my eyes?" and when you come and see this person attitude, his way of living...damn...dayum...DAAHH AMM...

breath....

and I just wanted to vent...really and Im gonna say this cause that's why I have a blog..

I cant believe how people can actually be so hypocrite, I dont know what annoys me more, the story, the advise, the image that person tries to show up or the fact that up to this point I still get upset cause of a fucking email...

y ya...

going to meeting...


+-+-+-+-

late update,.,.

someone´s grandma died today, I feel really bad cause I couldnt go, he was there when my grandma died, so felt like I should have gone, too bad circumstances are not the more appropriate; I bet he understands if not..well too bad, Im not gonna be giving out my peace of mind just to pay some respect...nothing against that grieving person,.,damn..too hard too explain,.,but definitely I can tell I understand now the email sent today,.,para los incredulos...wtf was that shit...trying to break some ice with an email..thinking I will be there maybe? nunca JAMAS!

warning: I havent had a good night sleep for almost a week so this post might just not make any sense , you might want to skip it till the next one

Be open and don't judge. People who have differing opinions aren't less than you.

"See if you can inspire others with your righteous energy -- it may be somewhat tougher than usual, but those who do get it should light up like Christmas trees! A few of you working together can make a difference."

ok, I dont like today's horoscope, it sounds really inspiring, thinking I could be able to light up people like Christmas trees but, I dont think Ill be able to when Im feeling so down myself. my leg is still hurting, pretty much Im guessing is the whole stress of the parciales and having so many things to study with not enough time to do it, also having so many issues understanding; I really need help on this. ...hhhhhhmmmmmuuuuufffffff (((((suspiro))))) anyway....

I received a note back from the kid's teacher, at this point Im totally disappointed and have no idea what to do. she keeps sending notes complaining about the kid not working, how he doesnt follow instructions, that he keeps on messing his classmates books, etc, etc, etc...

so obviously I feel bad cause I wish my kid would be one of those kids the teachers love and they cant stop saying how awesome they are, [Im not saying my kid is not awesome, the only thing is that blind lazy bitch is not able to see on to such sky-rocking awesomeness] so, as Ive been living hell on earth trying to get the kid meet her standard I decided I was not gonna be giving away my life and his life just to have her happy, I decided my kid needed a different approach and that eventually we were going to meet the level he is supposed to be, we are all different and he might not work the same way or speed as the other kids. so after the switch I can tell, everything has improved, the times I consider leaving him on the corner with the free sign hanging from his neck have been reduce in a significant rate, we are able to do homeworks in a very very acceptable way ( I mean, this is my point of view, Im sending him to school to learn so what if he doesnt do that O as a perfect circle, I can tell its an O, isnt she supposed to teach him on how to do it? if we all were born knowing there would not be a point on having teachers [so you better give a second thought on all that complaining you bitch who Im paying her paycheck]

now, as she is in that small room with all those little devils dress up in uniforms, she is able to tell the difference between his work and the other kids work, but I just wonder, are all those other 34 kids doing such a perfect job that my kid's work is so offensive to her sensible eyes? I wonder cause I have no one else to compare, so for me its very acceptable, but again, he is my kid, even if he gets to kill someone I will first high-five him for a job well done, I will worry later regarding the whole moral issue.

so, I sent her a note, I tried to hold myself together and try to show me as a worried mother willing to help her to tame this lil creature sent from the darkest corners of hell, but aparently it sounded like I cant understand how come she cant see the brilliance in my kid and that she totally sucks cause the kid hates school. and she replied....ouh that bitch dare to reply...

...and at this point I have to be honest I wish there was someone else, right now is one of those moments when I understand the reason why family has two parental units, cause when one of them gets tired, the other one comes to the rescue, cause when one wants to describe that bitch all the awful ways she might die if she doesnt motivate that kid, the other one will come to have a mature conversation with her or will scare the living hell out of her, cause when one is way too drunk to get up from bed, the other one will be able to handle the hangover to at least go and check up on the kid, cause when one has the need to keep changing channels there will be someone else to complain about it....and now this post went way too long and I totally lost it..

....im so sleepy, Im still waiting my caffeine pill :s

....update....no caffeine pill....but coffee is doing its job :D

its human condition.....

so, today talking with one of my friends he was telling me about this friend (girlfriend) he date yesterday, and, well, I didn't know that part till today he told me, this girl is married;[ leaving a side the till now chronic doubt I have about how come people can cheat over their couples, honestly I still don't get it but that will be another post], a thought came up to my mind cause, well, let me tell the whole story first, so the thing here is not that she is married, the thing is that she got married cause of my friend :S, weird, YES! so THAT was what got me thinking on this....why do we (women) tend to fucked up our lives that way? I mean, putting some of my own experience in the table....I wanted to get out of my house, I wanted live what I thought was gonna be a happy life on my own...I go ahead AND GET PREGNANT! WTF was going on in my mind back then, who knows, why on earth I just didn't leave the house..no...that was not gonna be fucked up enough...I had to get a baby...and my life has been fucked up since then...and now this girl...why she couldn't just go ahead and have another boyfriend, fuck with him 24\7 as a sweet revenge of this dude who hurted her so bad, .,noooo...she had to get married.....Ive always complain on how much men like to say we women are so complicated, and I like to say in our defense that men are also complicated [cause HEY! you guys are complicated too...that's just human condition], but at the end, looks like, yes we are all complicated but its only women condition to complicate our own life in a permanent state...