"... be the poem, not the poet.."

 "For once I want to be poem, not the poet.
I have a response: How do you know you are not?
How do you know a stranger didn't see you 

burst out laughing in a crowd, thought to themselves 

they swear there was a sparkle in your eyes

and recounted to a friend all about you in that moment

 comparing thee to a summer's day..."

IG:herpoetryplaylist

A few days back, I stumble across this lady reading this poem she had written. It resonated a lot because, only a few weeks back, I was left thinking about that exact same topic.

I was out at a dollar store, waiting in line to pay for some stuff. When a man came in; he was looking for something or someone, because he was not going into the alleys, he was just looking at them and walking to the next.

I still remember clearly the clothes he was wearing, the color of his skin, his broad shoulders. I thought to myself: "Wow, he is so handsome" and immediately felt guilty because, I was supposed to meet a friend's husband, who would be looking for me, and the reference was: "he is dressed in blue"

same color as this handsome man....

I turned the other way, thinking.. he must be my friend's husband..K, show some respect...

And then he was out of my sight... and he was not my friend's husband...

And since then, I've been thinking about that man and I thought... Does he even has the slightest idea on the impact he had on some random woman at that dollar store on a non particular thursday afternoon?

And then I wondered... Is it possible there is someone in this city who might have seen me standing there on the street, waiting for my Uber or in any of my random strolls at the mall and thought: wow, she is really pretty, I want to know her name...

And then I came across that lady with her poem... and then I randomly decided to watch "Still 17", which had a scenario like that.. 

The topic has been coming back to me in different ways, keeping that thought active in my head "I want to be the poem, not the poet". At least just for once..

May I know if  I am yours...

Time after you

 I was asked again last night, how am I doing since you were gone?

how do you answer "I've been dead since January 2021" in words that wont freak people out and wont make them look at you as if you have gone crazy?

Because that is how I feel, not doing bad nor good either... just dead inside...

Unpopular Opinion - TS

 And Im just going to add this here... because I feel the need to vent it out and I have absolutely no one to share it to and dropping this on twitter just feels like requesting to be attacked for free..but I really need to get this out of my system

People calling themselves swifties and attacking and sharing so much hate to Joe Alwin; to me, are the total opposite to what a swiftie should do. We will never, EVER know what really happened between them, regardless on how much she might share in the future in her songs. I just think he was the right man for her at the right time. People change, people grow up and some relationships are just not meant to last, but they are meant to happen and they leave long lasting memories. She wrote the most romantic and beautiful songs while she was with him, and that is what we should be thankful for as fans.

To me, Travis Kelce is just a huge red flag walking, I dislike him sharing so much about her. I see an attention seeker, period. 

Taylor sings and advocates for people not to be mean, do not leave people out or make fun of them for being shy, not popular, not "pretty", etc but seeing so many people posting hate to Joe, makes me think they are fans just cause it is the trend but they are not really listening to her songs and the message shared.

and that's it, my venting session in a matter that I have absolutely no clue cause I have never and will ever be in a position to be a close source; but I have no swifties in my close circle and I was tired of having that argument in my head. So there, it's out and I can go back to sleep.

Te soñe

 For whatever reason, Ive been thinking about you a lot lately; but like, A LOT.

Daydreaming of you showing up, us chatting us getting in debates that were leading to nowhere. My head was confused with these episodes,.. like, once they started, I was not sure where I wanted the plot to lead to. But at night I found my answer..

I saw you in my dream, you were together with someone I met years ago, for sure I know you cannot be with her, but the person that was standing next to you is not the point. The point is, you were with someone, and you looked SO DAMN HAPPY AND IN LOVE.

When I woke up, I knew the answer. I knew where the daydreaming needed to lead to. I was so happy to see you, during that dream, in my heart, I knew you were where you are supposed to be. 

I hope what I saw its really what life has kept in store for you

November here we go...

 Was reading back my mid year review... how things can change in 2 months...

2 months have passed and so far I have survived the latest tsunami at work. I really thought I was going to be let go, but it doesnt sound like they are planning on letting me go just yet; I cant believe I will say this, but Im so happy they wont

That would be the worst thing that can happen right now

As I shared back then, I was scared of going to the doctor. No definite answer yet, but is not looking good. Got some tests to get done tomorrow. Im trying to stay positive, but some ugly thoughts keep lurking in the back of my head. 

Im still feeling tired and with zero will to go out, but with the future looking as dark as it does, I think its better to get strength from wherever we can and build some memories

2022 ended in a mixed note of sadness in the personal/love life but with such a powerful and full of hope note in the work field; let's see in these last 2 month what 2023 has in store for us

Love Again

 My vacations are coming to an end.. I did absolutely nothing... my vacations are always boring but this week has taken the prize.

To try to enjoy I decided to watch movies and give the Kdramas a rest. HBO said, why dont you watch this new movie? and I said why not...

I wont talk about the movie... You may watch it.. but nothing out of the ordinary. I do, however, want to talk about one short conversation that resonated in me so much.

Context with SPOILERS

Mira and John are a couple who love each other deeply, John dies and Mira falls in a never ending grief. At some point, Mira asks John about the last message he sent her, he answers: "Of course, I didn't realize that would be the last text I'd ever send you" and she asks "what would you have said?"

This made me try to remember what was the last conversation we had. No matter how hard I tried, I could not remember.. I just remember how, in the most stupid way, I waited and waited for the best moment to reach out; and when I finally decided to reach back... my message was never able to reach him... as of today.. 2+ years later... it is still there... with one check mark only.

I wondered... what would I have said if I knew that was going to be the last chat?

I miss him so much, I will forever wonder what would you have said if I had the shared my good news with you, would you have been proud? 

I would have told him: Señor joven, Thank you for all your support, for all the advises, the call outs, for the harsh words that sometimes where needed, for not letting me feel pity for myself.

Thank you for coming to my life to teach me how to love myself, for helping me understand I was not the problem, for making me forget how different I might look in the outside and for reminding me how does it feel to be loved in the most sweet and naughty way. 

I have missed you, I miss you, I will miss you forever

2023 mid year review

 we are past mid year but who cares... Ive been going through some of the previous post, and I think I will want to know in the future what happened with me...

Kari.. this is what was going on with you back in August 2023....

I completed the GB certification, as of now, I am a certified Scrum Master and Green Belt six Sigma...

At work, they had removed 50%+ of the accounts I was handling, I feel like my days as a supervisor are numbered, so Im trying to do the best out of them..

Somehow, I have not been able to save any more money. I was able to make it to 6000, which is the goal I had set myself to. This was to buy the kid a car.. but ever since we reached that amount, I have not been able to go beyond that. Even worst, as of this month, we are even below that line...Im feeling desperate...

I got surgery back in 2019, a hysterectomy. Now in 2023, I got another surgery, got my apendix removed.. that was a big hit to my wallet...

The kid got his driver's license... but he seems absolutely not interested on buying a car. Im feeling pressure on getting him to move his lazy ass... so Im pretending to make him come back by bus, maybe that gets him more interested on getting the car

I enrolled myself in the university, I want to finally be an engineer. I hope this time I make it for real.

Im also considering...more than considering Im planning to enroll in Korean classes. I know that might never become really usefull to me, BUT.. I love their music (not BTS, sorry) and I really really want to be able to sign along

Im tired... Im so tired all the time. Thinking on going out to me, it is such a pain. Going out with my sister or my friendds, used to be exciting for me. Now I want to feel excited, but my body doesnt seem to allow me. Ive been with an ugly back pain for over a month now, it doesnt seem to want to go away. Ever since I got the surgery, it feels like my body is giving up, every part of me feels so weak. Im scared of going to the doctors cause I dont want to hear the bad news I fear I will get.

Maybe that is why Im not really investing so much at work, feels like investing so much time an effort will not pay off.. cause I wont be here long enough

anyway, this is how I feel, tired...trying to find energy in the excitement of achieving new things but nothing seems to work

we will read us back again and see how we are feeling later on... 

What am I thinking!

 weird things are happening lately... Not lately.. this year to be more specific

Ever since I got promoted, I felt like things were finally on track. I could clearly see the path to achieve all my dreams; and up to Nov/Dec 2022, I couldnt be more excited of everything that was to come.

Im not exactly sure what happened.. but as soon as 2023 came to be.. everything feels like its going to hell. Im fighting with all my might to get traction into my dreams; but feels like no matter what, I cant seem to move from this point where I am.

Ive been stuck in it for the last 7 months, and with each month that passes by, my soul, my happiness, my desire to grow, everything inside me feels like its dying.

such drama... but that's how it feels...

A few months back, I watched the interview of a Korean actor and he talked about some of the things he does in his day to day life to feel grateful.

Hearing him describe all the hard work he did to get to the point where he was, how everything seemed to go to hell due to some health problems, and how he was able to come back, not only back to the point where he was, but even stronger and better...it makes me think.. I should not give up

And I am not giving up...

Work does not represent anymore the place where I want to achieve a succesful career.. at least not this area where I am in. Work right now is the place where I go 11 to 12 hours per day to get my paycheck... paycheck that is allowing me to get prepared for the place where I want to be. I keep thinking about this, every time I feel like quitting.. I cant.. because that is how I pay the bill.. but with each certification, with every skill I develope... I get a step closer to that role that will give me, not only the money but also the satisfaction Im dreaming with...

Back to handsome KWB...

he says, now that he has survived those hard times, he has made it a ritual, to write down 5 things he is grateful for at the end of his day. LIttle things that before his sickness he might have given for granted, he now realizes how important they are.. and he is not letting them just pass by...

so...

I will try to make it my ritual too..

last kiss

 

I still remember the look on your face

Lit through the darkness at 1:58

The words that you whispered for just us to know

You told me you loved me

So why did you go away?

Away

I do recall now the smell of the rain

Fresh on the pavement, I ran off the plane

That July ninth, the beat of your heart

It jumps through your shirt

I can still feel your arms

But now I'll go

Sit on the floor wearing your clothes

All that I know is I don't know

How to be something you miss

I never thought we'd have a last kiss

Never imagined we'd end like this

Your name, forever the name on my lips

I do remember the swing of your step

The life of the party, you're showing off again

And I'd roll my eyes and then you'd pull me in

I'm not much for dancing, but for you, I did

Because I love your handshake, meeting my father

I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets

How you'd kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something

There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions

And I'll go

Sit on the floor wearing your clothes

All that I know is I don't know

How to be something you miss

I never thought we'd have a last kiss

Never imagined we'd end like this

Your name, forever the name on my lips

O-ooh-ooh

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep

And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe

And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are

Hope it's nice where you are

And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day

And something reminds you you wish you had stayed

You can plan for a change in the weather and time

But I never planned on you changing your mind

So I'll go

Sit on the floor wearing your clothes

All that I know is I don't know

How to be something you miss

I never thought we'd have a last kiss

Never imagined we'd end like this

Your name, forever the name on my lips

Just like our last kiss

Forever the name on my lips

Forever the name on my lips

Just like our last -

what is wrong.... with me?

 I have never felt so disconnected to  my family as I'm feeling right now

I can feel how slowly I'm drifting away... I see them struggling or into what I think must be pain... and I'm numb... I can't get myself to do something for them

For such a long time now, I have been alone, with no friends; and that was ok with me. I had my family...

I relied on them, I felt stronger because of them. All the criticism they did, of how my friends treated me, how my colleagues treated, how my boss or other people at work treated me... all of that had slowly permeated in me

All those things they repeated over an over again that were wrong.. that I should not allow other people to do to me... I realized... they were doing it to me

Realization of this hurted so much,.,

Realizing so many things I've been putting up to where first done to me by them. By the people that is supposed to love me the most. How was I supposed to put an end on this? when it is the only way of living that I have ever known...

She keeps saying things that hurt so deeply, she keeps doing things that are leaving so many scars. I try not to think about it, I try to keep repeating to my self... I must love her... I must endure all this just because Im supposed to. But there are moments when it just feels like enough.

Im numb... I'm back to that state I was 18 years ago, where I don't want words and actions to hurt me. I refuse to be in pain anymore.

I'm numb to all those words that belittle me, I'm numb to all those actions that show that everybody else is more important than me and my kid.

The sad part is... as much as this numbness helps me not to feel hurt, it also blocks me to feel any motivation to help. 

I do not wish any bad thing to anyone... I just do not have the energy to help, all the energy I have goes invested into me making it over one more day... one day at a time

I feel trapped more often than not. Trapped in this eternal moment of trying to run away but not being able to do it. Things have changed... the hope of being every day closer to that goal keeps me going. I want to leave behind that version of me that was always running away, instead, Im preparing, Im preparing to set myself free.. for once and for all

I want to do it right, I want to do it because it will be the best thing for everyone, but I wont be running away, I will be flying free to the state where I want to be, and I must stay positive.. because everyday I'm getting closer to that point. 

I don't care if they miss me or if they will regret losing me... Im not interested on that, Im not doing it to teach a lesson to anyone, I need to do this because it will be the best thing, for my kid and me.

We will be under our own rules and our own struggles. And finding our own ways to make it through

I just don't have more energy to deal with all this, I feel like a shell.. complete dead and empty inside.