what is wrong.... with me?

 I have never felt so disconnected to  my family as I'm feeling right now

I can feel how slowly I'm drifting away... I see them struggling or into what I think must be pain... and I'm numb... I can't get myself to do something for them

For such a long time now, I have been alone, with no friends; and that was ok with me. I had my family...

I relied on them, I felt stronger because of them. All the criticism they did, of how my friends treated me, how my colleagues treated, how my boss or other people at work treated me... all of that had slowly permeated in me

All those things they repeated over an over again that were wrong.. that I should not allow other people to do to me... I realized... they were doing it to me

Realization of this hurted so much,.,

Realizing so many things I've been putting up to where first done to me by them. By the people that is supposed to love me the most. How was I supposed to put an end on this? when it is the only way of living that I have ever known...

She keeps saying things that hurt so deeply, she keeps doing things that are leaving so many scars. I try not to think about it, I try to keep repeating to my self... I must love her... I must endure all this just because Im supposed to. But there are moments when it just feels like enough.

Im numb... I'm back to that state I was 18 years ago, where I don't want words and actions to hurt me. I refuse to be in pain anymore.

I'm numb to all those words that belittle me, I'm numb to all those actions that show that everybody else is more important than me and my kid.

The sad part is... as much as this numbness helps me not to feel hurt, it also blocks me to feel any motivation to help. 

I do not wish any bad thing to anyone... I just do not have the energy to help, all the energy I have goes invested into me making it over one more day... one day at a time

I feel trapped more often than not. Trapped in this eternal moment of trying to run away but not being able to do it. Things have changed... the hope of being every day closer to that goal keeps me going. I want to leave behind that version of me that was always running away, instead, Im preparing, Im preparing to set myself free.. for once and for all

I want to do it right, I want to do it because it will be the best thing for everyone, but I wont be running away, I will be flying free to the state where I want to be, and I must stay positive.. because everyday I'm getting closer to that point. 

I don't care if they miss me or if they will regret losing me... Im not interested on that, Im not doing it to teach a lesson to anyone, I need to do this because it will be the best thing, for my kid and me.

We will be under our own rules and our own struggles. And finding our own ways to make it through

I just don't have more energy to deal with all this, I feel like a shell.. complete dead and empty inside.