times like these....

I never understood when my mom said she wished she could have her kids in a crystal box, to save us from anybody who could hurt us. I never understood till now that Im a mom myself.

I wish I could have my kid in a safe place, where nobody and nothing could hurt him. I had a talk with him today, that Ive been afraid was gonna happen at any point. Im guessing I will never be ready for these type of things, no matter how much I think ahead, and doesnt matter the smart answer I might have planned, facing the fact of my kid going through some uncomfortable situation, just makes my heart ache.

when his father and I split up, I always tried to had clear in my mind, one thing was that person as a husband and another one as a father. so I spent months beggin him to take the kid out, he always used as excuse he didnt have money. didnt matter how many options I tried to give him, options where he didnt have to spend money to be with his kid, he never did it. his family were the ones who constantly came to visit him and to take him out. so I gave up on the pushing for that, as time passed by the kid stopped calling him daddy and started calling him uncle. gotta be honest, I never got him out of his mistake, deep inside I was happy. and aparently his father never cared. so time went by...and the kid kept on calling him that way.

today he comes and tells me.,.,you know my uncle doesnt understands me when I call him, nor him or my grandparents. and Im all like -mm, but how? what do you mean they dont understand you?. .yes-he said,-Im say uncle J and they go like uh? what? who? who are u talking to?, and then uncle J comes and say call me daddy; so I asked the kid-ok, how do you wanna call him?. and the kid said-uncle J, but he doesnt understands.
when we got to this point of the conversation, he had a sad face. he just turned around and fell asleep.

first I felt bad, I have no idea what goes into my kids head. which is the idea he has about a father. I never hide him who his father is, but nor the kid or his father cared on getting closer, now; for no apparent reason that man has decided to get closer to the kid. And he expects the kid just to come and call him dad just cause he wants to, for me is just unacceptable. specially when I see is getting my kid uncomfortable.

I wish I could have a smart answer for my boy, I wish I could tell him, fine, just call him whatever he wants you to call him, I rather I could just get him away from that people; times like these just make me wish I would have been smarter in the past and never got involved with that person, at least, that I would have never had a kid with him. I can deal with the pain and frustration and anger that person drives out of everybody around him, but knowing that he will do that to my kid makes me sad, makes me wish so many awful things toward him...

..things that would make lil tiny baby Jesus into tears...

warning: I havent had a good night sleep for almost a week so this post might just not make any sense , you might want to skip it till the next one

Be open and don't judge. People who have differing opinions aren't less than you.

"See if you can inspire others with your righteous energy -- it may be somewhat tougher than usual, but those who do get it should light up like Christmas trees! A few of you working together can make a difference."

ok, I dont like today's horoscope, it sounds really inspiring, thinking I could be able to light up people like Christmas trees but, I dont think Ill be able to when Im feeling so down myself. my leg is still hurting, pretty much Im guessing is the whole stress of the parciales and having so many things to study with not enough time to do it, also having so many issues understanding; I really need help on this. ...hhhhhhmmmmmuuuuufffffff (((((suspiro))))) anyway....

I received a note back from the kid's teacher, at this point Im totally disappointed and have no idea what to do. she keeps sending notes complaining about the kid not working, how he doesnt follow instructions, that he keeps on messing his classmates books, etc, etc, etc...

so obviously I feel bad cause I wish my kid would be one of those kids the teachers love and they cant stop saying how awesome they are, [Im not saying my kid is not awesome, the only thing is that blind lazy bitch is not able to see on to such sky-rocking awesomeness] so, as Ive been living hell on earth trying to get the kid meet her standard I decided I was not gonna be giving away my life and his life just to have her happy, I decided my kid needed a different approach and that eventually we were going to meet the level he is supposed to be, we are all different and he might not work the same way or speed as the other kids. so after the switch I can tell, everything has improved, the times I consider leaving him on the corner with the free sign hanging from his neck have been reduce in a significant rate, we are able to do homeworks in a very very acceptable way ( I mean, this is my point of view, Im sending him to school to learn so what if he doesnt do that O as a perfect circle, I can tell its an O, isnt she supposed to teach him on how to do it? if we all were born knowing there would not be a point on having teachers [so you better give a second thought on all that complaining you bitch who Im paying her paycheck]

now, as she is in that small room with all those little devils dress up in uniforms, she is able to tell the difference between his work and the other kids work, but I just wonder, are all those other 34 kids doing such a perfect job that my kid's work is so offensive to her sensible eyes? I wonder cause I have no one else to compare, so for me its very acceptable, but again, he is my kid, even if he gets to kill someone I will first high-five him for a job well done, I will worry later regarding the whole moral issue.

so, I sent her a note, I tried to hold myself together and try to show me as a worried mother willing to help her to tame this lil creature sent from the darkest corners of hell, but aparently it sounded like I cant understand how come she cant see the brilliance in my kid and that she totally sucks cause the kid hates school. and she replied....ouh that bitch dare to reply...

...and at this point I have to be honest I wish there was someone else, right now is one of those moments when I understand the reason why family has two parental units, cause when one of them gets tired, the other one comes to the rescue, cause when one wants to describe that bitch all the awful ways she might die if she doesnt motivate that kid, the other one will come to have a mature conversation with her or will scare the living hell out of her, cause when one is way too drunk to get up from bed, the other one will be able to handle the hangover to at least go and check up on the kid, cause when one has the need to keep changing channels there will be someone else to complain about it....and now this post went way too long and I totally lost it..

....im so sleepy, Im still waiting my caffeine pill :s

....update....no caffeine pill....but coffee is doing its job :D

do you believe in love?

"marriage is like a business transaction"

that was told to me by a customer a few days ago,
after he has called me and my coworkers "idiots" and I told him he better calm down or I would have to release the call and he will be condemned to an endless life full of misery, regret,sorrow and a nonworking tv tuner.

at the end he choose redemption....that one, I gotta say has been so far the most accurate description of what I think marriage is.

so after an hour of troubleshooting and while I was just chatting and loosing time listening to him talking about kids and all the thousands of reasons why he thinks I must have another kid [NOT!!!] asking why I was not married and why I still don't have a boyfriend and where the fuck is the irresponsible airhead stupid ass-hole father of my kid [I swear those are his exact words ;D] he goes and ask....

"Do you believe in love?"

at this point it felt like someone paused all type of activity around me, not even air was allowed to move, I realize that when I started choking, my brain just freeze and I started mumbling, and as if my life depended on that, images of my past and present relationships started to flash in my mind in a desperate seek of an answer, weird images like a Frank Miller movie style, ...then he says ...

"yes...that's the big main question...Do you believe in love?"

I didn't know what to say, I was not able to answer, I just said...what is love? do you know what that is? and I felt like if I had tricked fate in the smartest way a human being can do it, still cant believe why I got so worried about that question coming from someone who just called me idiot, has got married 3 times and thinks this is not the last one and thinks fairy tales are true....

anyway, we end up the call but I was left thinking about that, and Ive been ever since...Do I believe in love? I used to think I did, I used to think it does exist...I used to...

once my dad told me...love doesn't last forever, it dies eventually, so apparently at the end, marriage it is after all a business transaction, you need to look for the best partner, thinking about those things that will help you in the long term, like having someone you love talking with, someone who will know when to leave you alone, someone who will know when to hug you even if you don't hug him back, someone who will trust you, someone who will be your best friend, someone who thinks you are the first person he needs to talk with when something good happens, someone who thinks you are the only one who will comfort him when something bad happens, someone who's voice never gets you bored, someone you need to have around even in those hot bored days when there's absolutely nothing to say or do, someone who will get all your nonsense..

and I know I still haven't answer ..do I believe...?

once upon a time I did, then I didn't, right now, as my life is at this exact moment that I'm sitting in front of my work computer waiting for this dumb customer to open her system I can tell....I DON'T KNOW...I know Im going through some transition stage right now, I can definitely tell that, if this is growing up damn, it hurts. I know I have deep strong feelings that have root deep inside my soul to places I didnt even know I had, at this point I dont know what it is, I do know it has scared the living shit out of me, I found out that one night while reviewing my day at the backyard, is that love? if it is..well...we will leave that whole story on how I realize I was so scared for another post cause this one is just way too long....

what about you? do you believe in love?