ADD..and counting...

my kid is now 5 years old, he started going to school at age 3, currently he is in his 3rd school...since the beginning I was told he used to get distracted pretty easily, but, as a new mom, I thought it was just the fact of him being so young. last year at school was a real hassle, having his teacher complaining about him all the time, saying he doesnt care and gets distracted and bugs the other kids, the only thing I could think about was that his teacher was a bitch and I didnt see the time to have him out of that school.

from some time now, my mom has been telling me my kid has ADD, so I started searching on internet some of the symptoms of that disorder, kids get distracted, they would talk all the time, they would interrupt people when talking, they cant remain sitting when eating, etc, etc..

now, it was hard for me to determine if it was ADD or not, as I dont know any other kids to have as reference, so I couldnt tell up to which point it was normal behavior for a toddler or when it had turned to ADD.

the time he is not at school or at his karate classes he is alone at the house, and the TV is on all the time, even if he is not watching it he needs to have that background noise. so besides all those issues at school , doing homework was a huge fight every day, have to repeat instructions more than 3 times cause he would always forget what he was supposed to do, and he keeps doing things he has been told not to,, Ive got to the point to physical punishment ( Im ashamed I have to say more than once I lost it); we have just two days in the new school and already got a note from school, on monday he used a marker and draw lines all over his uniform tshirt and the couch...I couldnt take it anymore, and as off all the punishments I could think off have been used unsuccessfully, I thought on the only thing I have never touched for him...the TV, he has been without TV all week, needless to say he cried a lot.. A.LOT.

so this week it has been a tv-less week for both of us, but I must say, that thing was taking a lot of valuable time from us; Im ashamed I didnt want to acknowledge that, it was easier to just lay there watching cartoons than looking for something to try to get him distracted and entertained. overall I can tell it has been a good week, it even helped him with maths, he is well aware on how many days are left to be able to watch tv again. (so do I, miss to watch movies :$)

so, after witnessing how much TV was affecting my relationship with the kid and also his own development, I need to find a way to keep it away, cant make the restriction last forever. one option we have found is to let him watch tv just an hour a day and until I have come back from work so I can deal with the fight that we forecast will come when the hour is done.

but still looking for ways to help him out dealing with the ADD and reducing the TV time as much as possible, definitely, trying to deal with all these has been a lot easier now, and keeping myself in more control knowing what Im dealing with has helped a lot, also having someone to talk about this and telling me what I could be doing better takes a huge weight out of my shoulders(thanks honey!). now we read stories every night, and we are trying to follow a schedule as much as possible. gotta say, its taking a lot of work, Im so lazy and my kid has energy to illuminate a complete city for at least 2 days...but still, this week has been one of the best weeks Ive had in a long time, ( following my vacation week which was made memorable :$)

so at least for now, Im taking away the idea on having the kid on the corner outside with a sign "free or better offer"... I might even keep him ;)

stubborness 101

"Don't be too critical of somebody. Sure they could do it better. But they're trying.

Someone close to you needs to distance themselves -- but it's almost certainly temporary! Everyone needs space sometimes, and if you set them free, they're almost sure to return to you soon."

~ que tal eso? como no! guess mm, I dont know, Im just gonna keep trying to get some things out of my mind as Ive been doing for the last weeks, gotta say, honestly, some comments made today didnt help at all, but, nothing I can do, I wont get you out of your spot, plus, old self-protection habits are kinda hard to remove, BUT Im planning, getting in action plan to understand this is totally unnecessary ASAP has to make the job. just an old habit of mine, knowing the WHY´s of everything, annoying?..maybe, at least for some people looks like it is :$

anyway....

only thing I would say is, now more than ever I can tell...

KARMA IS SUCH A BITCH!

if that's what it takes..

so many things going one at this point in my life, some very exciting and happy and some other, very stressing. yesterday was a very tough day, gotta say Im sorry to some one who payed a price he was not supposed to, dont know how you are handling all this, I gotta be honest with you, I have no idea what to do, how to do it, what to say, when to say it,.,its funny cause I feel like if Im 15 years old again, que embarrassing jaja

been avoiding to write about this for a few days, basically cause the mix of feelings has been way too much for me to handle, work is getting really stressing and it has been hard for me to maintain sanity regarding that, feeling the clock is ticking behind my back, has taken the worst out of me.

but today, today has been different,.,realizing I was acting really bad, holding accountable people who had nothing to do with what was going on, as someone told me not so long ago, "you need to learn to let go, just let yourself go" so, Im trying, today I did it, and I have to say, it feels good.

came home, did homework with the kid, who by the way didnt bring any notes from school (finally!), had dinner with him and heard funny stories about paco at school, that poor bird, first and last day at school...

thanks for coming home with me today, those few minutes I get to spend with you really help to make me forget all that stress from sales, and customers, and everything...I really really needed them :$

forgot my cap...dammit!

" just put your sales cap on (mentally,.. unless you have one for real,. :O!)"



...and I need to learn how to sell,.,


so thing is this, Ive been threaten to get fired if I dont reach my goal on sales,., 4 years ago when I was doing my interview, the manager in charge was kind enough asking me...you seem to have selling skills, would you like to go to our sales dept? HELL NO! please send me to tech....

anyway, Ive been giving a lot of thought to this, trying to hear when these people is selling, and damn, I just cant :$, cant lie that way, I need to learn how to make up some nice bullshit and learn how to sell it.

things havent been doing that good lately I guess, Im tired, worried, in pain,.,. I just need to get more organized, feel Im getting one thing after the other, no time to breath. Been delaying some very important things, and I need to catch up with them ASAP.

big changes are coming ahead, life is kicking me hard to make me understand that.,.,

update....

and I ended up one more day sale-less.,.not even a damn disc!
kid is at the beach right now with my parents, house is so boring without him; thought on taking advantage on the situation but right now I just wished I would have told them to wait for me,.,
guess I should make better use of this time.

as ironic as it can be, right now I feel Im paying back things I wished to some other people so long long long ago...... PAYBACK TIME IS A BITCH!

let the universe take the wheel...

You've been on an emotional roller coaster lately, and you've had all the fun you can stand. You may find yourself trying to figure out what's going to happen next. Just for the next couple of days, though, stop pushing. Let the universe take the wheel and see what happens. Along the way, you could end up feeling pretty darned good about yourself -- all because of someone who wants to see you as you really are.

~ mmm, no comments,.-.- guess yes, I should stop thinking and give some rest to some thoughts that keep bouncing inside my head, it might be time for the universe to take the wheel, and for me just to step aside and just watch,.,Im tired, Im just tired, trying to figure out things that are just totally out of my control.

nothing good or interesting for the last few days, been writting about the thoughts I got after a recent visit to the bank, but, damn, que weba

finally TIC homework is done and uploaded, working right now on the fisica homework, dont like this, but Im trying to finish that today so I can go out tomorrow. planning to have lunch with Liss, I really need that, have so long not talking with her, we need to catch up.

on monday starts the count, we´ll see if this time its for real, got 3 weeks....if we dont make it in 3 all this will be over. guess thats one of the things that has been making me feel so down lately,.,I just hope whatever happens, as HE told me once, "whatever happens its gonna be for the best",.,if not...we´ll see our faces back in 60 (right chepis?)

look who's growing up...

Have you investigated every avenue? There's an opportunity you're missing today.

It's the best time for you to get started on a creative project of some kind -- maybe a new artistic direction, or maybe a whirlwind of home improvement. Your good energy is directed outward.

~ (nothing to say -.-)

and truth is, I was feeling so damn angry,.,one of those angry moments that just makes me wanna cry. I manage to keep my shit together and choose to go to lunch to do some thinking. smoked my anger and came back. as my horoscope says...I have to do some searching, check my options...so Im just evaluating the situation, definitely Im not in a position to come with one of my usual reactions, got many bills to pay and a kid to send to school, time to bite my tongue, shut up and look for a way to get myself in a better situation. [ damn,., cant believe that came out of me, look who's growing up...]

reveal to me!!!!

Your psychic powers are stronger than usual today, so expect some big jolts as people's souls reveal themselves to you. It's a good time to file information away for alter use, rather than taking direct action.

~ :O! aha! I like that one....heard, acknowledge and understood...hooah!

PS,.just had two cups of coffee as I had just a few hours of sleep, what worries me is that Im not feeling sleepy, just burning eyes, so Im guessing later today Ill be feeling the hit of the lack of sleep and I have classes today. Ill need to have coffee going directly to my veins,.,and funny things happen when there are insane amounts of caffeine in my body... so.. we'll see how it goes

the coffee boost lasted all morning, after lunch, food and coke got me really high but it lasted just like half and hour, which was more than enough to make fun of a few dudes in my team. from there on everything was down down down..leg is bugging but seems to be doing better.

and all Im gonna say about this day is.,.,I never expected this type of revelation, Im happy to realize how each day has something new to surprise me, huge surprise,.,came home, unable to think on anything, totally in shock still...to find the kid with a good note from his teacher, saying how good he worked and behaved at school. IS THERE A WAY THIS DAY COULD HAVE GOT ANY BETTER?

times like these....

I never understood when my mom said she wished she could have her kids in a crystal box, to save us from anybody who could hurt us. I never understood till now that Im a mom myself.

I wish I could have my kid in a safe place, where nobody and nothing could hurt him. I had a talk with him today, that Ive been afraid was gonna happen at any point. Im guessing I will never be ready for these type of things, no matter how much I think ahead, and doesnt matter the smart answer I might have planned, facing the fact of my kid going through some uncomfortable situation, just makes my heart ache.

when his father and I split up, I always tried to had clear in my mind, one thing was that person as a husband and another one as a father. so I spent months beggin him to take the kid out, he always used as excuse he didnt have money. didnt matter how many options I tried to give him, options where he didnt have to spend money to be with his kid, he never did it. his family were the ones who constantly came to visit him and to take him out. so I gave up on the pushing for that, as time passed by the kid stopped calling him daddy and started calling him uncle. gotta be honest, I never got him out of his mistake, deep inside I was happy. and aparently his father never cared. so time went by...and the kid kept on calling him that way.

today he comes and tells me.,.,you know my uncle doesnt understands me when I call him, nor him or my grandparents. and Im all like -mm, but how? what do you mean they dont understand you?. .yes-he said,-Im say uncle J and they go like uh? what? who? who are u talking to?, and then uncle J comes and say call me daddy; so I asked the kid-ok, how do you wanna call him?. and the kid said-uncle J, but he doesnt understands.
when we got to this point of the conversation, he had a sad face. he just turned around and fell asleep.

first I felt bad, I have no idea what goes into my kids head. which is the idea he has about a father. I never hide him who his father is, but nor the kid or his father cared on getting closer, now; for no apparent reason that man has decided to get closer to the kid. And he expects the kid just to come and call him dad just cause he wants to, for me is just unacceptable. specially when I see is getting my kid uncomfortable.

I wish I could have a smart answer for my boy, I wish I could tell him, fine, just call him whatever he wants you to call him, I rather I could just get him away from that people; times like these just make me wish I would have been smarter in the past and never got involved with that person, at least, that I would have never had a kid with him. I can deal with the pain and frustration and anger that person drives out of everybody around him, but knowing that he will do that to my kid makes me sad, makes me wish so many awful things toward him...

..things that would make lil tiny baby Jesus into tears...

the router, the frosty...y los demas...

and today was the culmination of a very important goal I had setup to myself. the purchase of the laptop and getting the wireless network in the house. My dad wanted to help me and tried to get the wireless thing on his own, unfortunately, didnt work, and as my brother has this special gift of just taking the shit out of everybody, my dad and I had reach this point of wanting to resolve this internet issue someway or another. so, we agreed on purchasing the router instead of waiting for the ISP.
so, my friend searched for some routers on line so we had an idea on how much they would cost. and today we went looking for some new ones, considering that for a lil higher price we would get a new item instead of a used one. anyway, we got it, I couldn't wait to get home to setup the whole thing. what made the waiting bearable was a rocking frosty cappuccino I got...really good.
so came home, connected the whole thing, and started fighting with the network encryption (thanks for the help, I couldnt have done it without you) till we finally got it.
started walking around the house chatting, felt like a lil kid on Christmas, this couldn't get any better!![actually yes, but guess Im keeping this blog PG-13 so..]

Im happy, frosty cappuccino, new router and my very own wireless network....

thanks for all the help and mentoring through all this painful process, you have definitely played a very important part in all these, even though u keep saying u havent done anything, thanks for rocking! :D

:::Goo goo dolls-before its too late:::

...so live like you mean it
live till you feel it
its all that we need in our lives...

I seem to be doing better of all this sickness thing, the kid got me a lil scared cause he had fever since yesterday afternoon and through the night he stayed at an average of 38º, though today he´s been doing really good.

happy birthday to my mom, sorry mom, you couldnt get away of my "mess up birthday" curse I seem to have this year, dunno why´s that and I certainly wished it wouldnt have happened with you, but damn, you do make it easy young lady. anyway, hope you find some fun in the middle of such darkness.

Im still in the search of some ways to deal with the kid, trying not to stress and to find some patient where I know I dont have any, but, gotta deal with it, there´s no other way.

everything else...dunno, just holding on I guess, for the first time ever I seem to be dealing pretty much good on it, [yeah right!] weird cause I know it has made me feel down really really bad but at the same time I just hope at the end its the best thing to do,., this is just one of those things that make me wish I could see the future to know if Im right or wrong...just time will tell I guess

and the kid needs a therapist

..so on friday I was called to a meeting by my kid's teacher..again...so I went today to hear what she had to say, so basically things we can say are going the same, the kid still doesnt want to work, doesnt follow instructions, is unable to have his breakfast in a decent manner...but the main problem showing up right now is..that basically he DOESNT GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT THE WORLD!,.,so her teacher advise to take the kid to a therapist to check what's giving the problem, as she said, its normal for a kid to be a lil bit distracted but not to get to his I-dont-give-a-fuck type of level, she states he doesnt care if his team is loosing when they are playing games, as well as he doesnt care if she threatens on giving him a 0 in his work, he just couldnt care less.
so, at this point I feel totally frustrated and responsable for his IDGAF state of mind, I know, I can be myself that way ;who knows, maybe most of the time, but I never expected the kid to get that attached into his mind that way, that soon. worst thing is, that I dont spend time with him as much as I would like, or as much as it seems to be needed. and at this point I feel totally lost and have absolutly no clue whatsoever on what the hell to do with him.
Ive tried to teach him, and honestly thought I had succesfully, what responsability means and how we all have duties that have to be performed no matter the age or who we are, I tried to made him understand how I work to get money to buy his stuff, how his "work" is to go to school and study and follow his teacher's instructions.
but, yes, Ive noticed, lately he has been behaving worst, Ive never gone with the timeout thing cause he will basically just stand up and I would have to put him back in time out so the time out would get extended basicaly for the whole day. so Ive gone through all the disciplinary ways I can come up with or that I have found over the internet, by now, Im tired, frustrated and the kid seems to be getting worst.
one thing I need to set up clear here, cause by reading back what Im writting seems to give a really bad image of my kid, Id say, he behaves good, he is a good kid, he plays with his friends, he doesnt get in fights, he is not definitely the bully type of kid, he is in fact very calm, he likes, actually he loves talking...that one is for real..he will never..but..NEVER..shut up, he will stay there watching tv, or playing with his car, you wont even notice he is there, its just this basic things he is failing..like...yes he does his homework, but I have to be sitting next to him, pushing him to do it, he will do it wrong, just cause he can, sometimes feels he does that just to bother me, so after erasing and redoing the traces for like 4-5 times he will finally give up and do it how is supposed to, cause, he can. and well, the teacher complains about him not following her rules, not paying attention, not sitting while having his breakfast, but...damn...he is not like that at home, he will have his meals on his own most of the time, I just need to be checking up on him every once in a while to make sure he is actually eating, so in this case I have no idea how to work on this, if he seems to be a total different kid, the home-kid is really cool, the school-kid is something else.
someone suggested me quitting my job to spend more time with him, which by the size of my bills Id say is totally out of question, the other option is to take him to a therapist, and as the problems on kids, specially his age, seems to be just a mirror of his parents problems, Ill be going to a therapist, actually today, my mom got me one, so we will see, how messed up I am that Im messing up my kid.

10 days and counting

so...10 days so far [maybe a lil more] ...and I can tell...they have been the worst days ever, I was supposed to wait till friday but last night I was freaking out so badly that I decided I will take care of this tomorrow..cant wait any longer. been trying to sell myself the idea everything will be ok and all the reasons why I KNOW everything will be fine but somehow I keep streesing, and stressing gets things worst and as it gets worst I stress even more and so on and so on..

my sleeping issues are getting worst, Im sleepy all day; falling sleep at my cube at all times, Im also sleepy at night but for some reason I cant sleep...I need my sleeping pills so bad and also to stop thinking so many useless things...

so many things to do tomorrow, mm...just wondering if I should be going through all this alone...just a thought...

Im drowning......

this is like the fourth time I start writting this post but still doesnt feel right...have so many things in my mind I need to get out, but just cant...start typing and typing but, nothing seems to make sense...

so frustrating....having so much to say, but cant......fuck! :´(

hate this cube

these past few weeks have brought some very deep thinking moments, some decisions Im taking are not easy to be turn into action, having to fight with huge needs I have makes it double fight and its not easy, worst, doesnt seem to have any goal besides just stop feeling as bad as I feel right now.

stuck here at this damn cube. I'll keep thinking if Im not doing wrong again. having two options and both of them suck, none of them give me the feeling I want. but I guess, this time, what Im doing will leave someone else winning(¿?), at least that's what I like to think, would make it easier to actually know but, at this point, something Ive come to realize is that I'd never get to know that....
....right?

and its totally worth the update...a classmate remind me of some emails I had to check up on, and I thought on checking the web site again and guess what.....10...en logica!!!!!!!! totally brought a smile to my face...like if it was chocolate-mint flavor nota jajajjajaja so now that means, logica, ingles and TIC are safe, now just the other two, lots of reading and it sucks...but...its a 10!!!!!!!!:D:D:D:D

sweet memories ::: Tiff Lacey

I dont like this, when I have so many things inside my head trying to come out, but I just keep them to myself cause I have the feeling I just dont have to say them, when I want to do something but I just dont cause I have the feeling will be the wrong move...why messing up things if they are doing ok? but why I cant feel ok holding all that inside? to many things coming at once, thought had a lifesaver but I was wrong, learning to do it on my own, im tired but Im learning, I know I will do it once and for all.
and once again, having the feeling fate is taking care of what I dont have the guts to do, leaving tough decisions to the fate that has been left with the responsability of the choices made, hope, this time, again, Im not taking the wrong one, trying to "think first", Im weighting all the options and posibilities I have at hand, which honestly seem to be none, I still have the hope, at the end, something good will turn out of all the mess.