Would you please call?

 I wonder if I'm going crazy. The decision to move out took a long time to be made and once made to be processed. I took my sweet time, making plans in my head, building excel sheets, budgets and endless lists. I wanted to make this as well done as possible.

Somewhere, months before the big move happened, you came to my head and damn you are refusing to leave. Why?

I've seen you in dreams, but these last few times it has been different. Before, I would see you so indifferent, border line rude and every time Id see you it left me with this feeling of having to stay away. It would only reinforce the right decision had been made. But then you came back, and since it happened it left me with this huge urge of contacting you. It felt like you were calling me, like if you needed help. I did the only thing I knew I could do.. I prayed, I prayed for you every time your face came to my mind and it left a big pain in my heart. I kept wondering if you were really calling me or if it was just me playing games to myself.

Its been a few months now, I still see you, I still feel you (or so I think) but lately, the feeling is different. Anxiety takes over, anxiety and sadness. 

I keep hesitating, should I call, should I text, am I crazy?

anyhow... I wish with all my heart you are ok, I am sorry I am such a coward, beyond the fear of the pain it might cause me to see you being indifferent to me, the fear of me causing you any kind of pain its way bigger. Know I pray for you every waking moment I think of you, and my heart is always sending the best wishes it can send. 

I sincerely hope you are ok, but if you ever need me, would you please call?

Square 1

 what a full circle moment, we are back at the origin... where this whole story started

same neighbourhood and you at the same age I was when I had you.

We have gone through so much, moments in life that were so dark but with these brighter than stars moment where you were using the whole space. 

how far we have gone...

Day 21

 Its been 21 days now at this new place. So many different feelings, so many memories of what could have been, now get displayed at the very place where it was supposed to happen.

I go through a whole variety of feelings every day, I get out of my room first thing in the morning and I love what I see. It is such a tiny place, but I love what I have put together. I have breakfast, I start working and then noon starts getting closer... so is the hot air

ugh.. is so hot here... my dad says its hot everywhere, but it feels specially hot here.

then night comes...

prep dinner, wash dishes, spend time with the son...

go to bed

I feel tired

bored

but I take a look back before closing my bedroom door,., and again I feel happy

i like what I see

boredom, that's what happens the most.

I was supposed to exercise in the morning and take walks at night. I have done nothing of that

maybe if I do that I would feel different, but Im feeling so tired and with no energy,., could I be depressed?

anyway, its been 21 days, am I loving it? not really but damn do I feel proud of myself

T-23

 we are at 23 days of doing the big move....

Was reading my previous post, and it is funny how I was promising myself to keep my mouth shut and.. it only lasted maybe like a week.

maybe even less than that...

the secret was out in the open very early, there have been some conflicts. As usual I didn't keep the best attitude when my family was just trying to be supportive. 

The decision was made back in February, by end of March, the kid was jobless... it felt like the first challenge, but I did not back down. By the beginning of May he was out of the jobless market, so we are back on track.

I had 3 months to do all the arrangements but now I am trying to squeeze all the buying and organizing and packing in pretty much less than 3 weeks... I guess it wouldnt be me if I didnt procrastinate

anyway.. we will see... I better start doing some cleaning to get ready for that new fresh start...

2026, let the games begin...

wow, I did not realize I had not come back here since November.

So many things have happened since then.

December was a really weird month. Watching my kid come back home in the most bitter state, just grumping good nights and going straight to his room. Knowing the reason behind it made it more sad, and not being able to reach to him to help him cope and vent, made me anxious.

We had good day and really bad days, but feels we are slowly getting better.

Now that he is working, we are saving and making plans for the future. He has the sweetest heart in this world and I pray the Lord he will meet a sweet girl who will help him thrive and be the best version of himself. I pray for a girl who will have the kindest heart and will be able to get through all those layers that are keeping my sweet boy buried underneath all that anger.

anyway,,,

it is now official... we have made the biggest step towards our future... and for the first time I am keeping my mouth shut.

These are gonna be the longest 3 months of my life, I am feeling so scared,., but I must make this move finally.

I feel my energy being drained out day after day, I just cant take this any longer...

let's make these the best 3 months we can have...

worst season to be heartbroken

 My boy is going through his first heart break. There's really no best season to be heartbroken, of course I hoped my boy would never go through that. It is sad he has to be going through all this right now. 

This season where everybody is full of hopes and dreams and that uplifted spirit that comes with new beginnings.

There are so many things that has me feeling extremely sad about this situation. For reasons I still do not comprehend completely, my boy never shares anything.

let me rephrase

my son never shares anything with me...

I would dare to say he never shares with anybody, and of course, I see things from my perspective. If I dont share whats in my head, I feel I will explode. I must share my thoughts with someone, so it scares me/worries me to see him just swallowing everything. Just handling everything on his own.

On the other hand, my dad is exactly like him in that regard. Although not quite, as there are many things he shares with me. My dad has always been my safe space, where I can share and speak my mind freely, not completely unjudged, but very close. 

I wish my kid would feel that about me. Even if he doesnt share anything with me, I just wish he had someone he could go to for a good venting session, that is always so good for the soul.

Am I going through a midlife crisis?

 am I even at the middle point?

is this a crisis or are just my hormones playing games? I dont know. I just know everything and everybody annoys me right now,

am I annoyed? or am I just lacking energy?

I feel I have no strength to do anything. I cant reply, I only smile and nod. There's no energy for more. 

saw a post on instagram last night that brought a tear to my eye (yes, one tear on one eye, there's no energy for more)

"The universe at large has no problem turning the heat up and making you more and more uncomfortable to the point of crisis in order to influence you into making a change for your own benefit" ~ @tealswanofficial

is that what might be happening right now? is the universe tired of hearing me complain and doing nothing to change my current situation? is it making everything feel like a living hell so I finally take those decisions I have 10+ years delaying?

I dont know.. I wish I knew