That smile...

And after all this time I realized something.  His smile on his pictures with me was different than the one on his pictures with her.

With me his smile would go all the way to his eyes.

That's the part I always loved of him smiling or laughing. How his eyes would bright and then almost close... he has the most beautiful and sweetest smile I have ever seen.

I just know it

Im not really sure how many sessions I have been on so far... but I can tell how much it has helped.

It is weird how talking with someone (the appropriate someone) can help you so much. The same things that have been right infront of you, now you just... see them clearly.

I have never been so sure about something  in my life, as I am about this Im now ready to share.

Love is not in the cards for me, and Im cool with that.

I found love in the most unexpected place .. in the most unexpected person.. and I fucked up, BIG TIME.

At the time, I was lost and wasnt paying attention to what really matters. It took 4 years of self assesment and introspection to understand what I had and what I had lost.

He is the love of my life, and I know that because, even though friendship is the only thing he can offer me, I am willing to take it, as long as I can keep him in my life. The fact of knowing I can reach out, make sure he is ok, offer my help, gives me comfort.

Therapy has given me that. It has empowered me to understand my feelings, and that has been ... liberating. There`s this really strange.. inner peace you get, when you come to terms with what you feel and what you know it is true.

It has been a hard path to walk, but I have learned so much about myself. Even though I am tempted to say "I wish I could go back", I would never changed what I`ve learned, what I`ve grow and the person I have become after all these years...

What comes ahead, it is gonna be good,., I just know it!

Mission....acomplished?

I don't know if I can call ' t like that.

When the person you think is your soulmate...the one you want to have next to you when something good..bad...or just when life happens....you want them to be the one next to you.. you just can't have them. Why? Well.. cause they only love you as a friend. ..

I wanted him to be with me today so bad. It was a hard test to go through.

I cried before leaving and was able to hold the tears while out with my friends...yet...he was always on my mind.

Can it be called mission accomplished just because I did not contact him?

World suicide prevention day

I didn't know there was a world suicide prevention day. Now you know it too, it is today.

As I watch multiple videos across Facebook, trying their best to prevent this. I can't help but to think.. how many people around me, maybe not necessarily thinking about suicide.. but definitely feeling at their shittiest lowest?

Those nice videos share how relatives and loved ones remember those who found their way out through suicide. All of them share the same type of stories, how they looked so happy, full of energy, hope, fun and compassion for others.
They all explain how they are not able to wrap in their heads how they missed the signs. they were looking so full of life.. full of love.. how did they miss it?

And now they all share what they wish they could tell those they have now lost.

At first I thought, I wish someone would show and tell me those things they are saying, tell them to me now that I am alive, that I can still be rescued. Then I thought..I can make that happen, but what I CAN do is, tell those I love what they mean to me, and as I can't make them see themselves through my eyes, at least I can tell them how they look from my perspective.

I will be posting one by one, as I want them to have a special meaning. And for them to really reflect what`s in my heart for those I love. I dont want to post them in any specific order, so Ill just post them randomly.

what is it with me?

I act like a moth to a flame with men. I know he will hurt me, I know he doesn`t love me, he might care but not the way I wish he would.

 I can`t just keep myself out of this downward spiral

Welcome to the club

"some things aren`t just going my way"

And to that I say...Ain`t that everybody`s life?

let me give you a short list of all the things that are just not going my way...

• No matter my efforts a salary increase at work it just does not happen
• I insist on going back with someone who clearly has absolutely no interest in me
• My body is giving up and have no resources to stop that.. I`m just slowly witnessing how it is just coming down in pieces...
• I finally let someone in just to realize everything was fake.. and I fell for it
• The kid... this weird combination of the only best thing I have in my life but at the same time can take me down to hell just as easy...

this week was one of those.. when you feel like you hit bottom.. but you did not actually hit bottom, you just crashed with a rock and your real misery is still waiting for you, patiently waiting while you keep going down this free fall...

On Tuesday I found myself crying in the livingroom, the walk from the stairs to the couch was full of the most excruciating pain. One foot with these awful pain spasm nobody can figure out what they are about..the other in huge need of a surgery I have no way to get it done. I cried...realizing how useless and powerless I felt.. I.COULD.NOT.WALK

so if you are reading this.... and you can walk.. DON`T GIVE IT FOR GRANTED!

so.. things aren`t going your way? guess what? things are pretty much not going anybody`s way. I think, that`s life. It loves being a total bitch.

Even though today I have allowed myself to cry.. I cried while watching a rom-com thinking no one will ever love me, hug me and stare at my eyes with this look of never having watched anything more beautiful in his life... I cried while yet again I put my dignity aside begging someone to spend time with me just to be reminded again how much he doesn`t care... I cried out the most stupid things today.. there was no soda.. the kid was leaving a mess behind him everywhere he was going... I cried.. I`m crying.. and pretty much will keep on crying till I fall asleep..but just today. That`s all I allow myself to do.

Because even though things aren`t going my way, I refuse to stay here... If plan A doesn`t want me.. I`ll go for plan B.. whatever that will be..

dreams...

have you ever woken up from a dream with this feeling of understanding how things must be? realizing how mistaken you`ve been with the way you thought things were acceptable to be?

I had that dream last night. I can`t recall the details. I know I was with some people that were supposed to be friends or at least acquaintances from work. We were having fun doing some outdoor activities. We ended up meeting another group of people.. in the middle of the dream, someone came up to my mind.

At that moment I saw myself staring at my phone; waiting for a message that would never come. Then, I looked to this group of people and I was having so much fun with them, and it just felt right. Just like that, it was like a veil was removed from my eyes and I understood how wrong I was settling for what I`ve been given.

That feeling I had during that dream, is something I do not want to forget.

I must stop begging for the little to no attention I have come so used to get and to stop finding excuses for every time I was ignored. I don`t think they are bad people, I must just stop expecting anything from people who time after time keep showing how little they care for me.

No matter what I do, I will never be enough. I have to understand they want to feel loved, they long to feel wanted... they just don`t want to feel that from me.

It is now the time to not only understand it but to truly accept it.

Natalia Lafourcade - Musas Vol 1 & 2

I've never been a fan of her music, but thanks to a friend I came to learn of this album and I can't stop listening to it. 

as per Wikipedia...
"The album is a homage to Latin American folk music and contains original songs as well as cover versions of other artists' songs. According to Lafourcade, her goal with the album was to explore the history and culture of her Latin American roots. She emphasized that collaborating with Los Macorinos helped her capture the feelings and sounds she wanted to transmit to the audience with Musas"

There are some songs that have completely captured my attention, if you are into old music like myself.. take the time to listen to the full album, I'll share here some of my favorite songs...

"Tu si sabes quererme", I love this one because of the rythm it has, its fun, makes you wanna move and the lyrics, though simple.. they are straight.. you my friend, you do know how to love me ;)

"Alma mia", this one.. makes me wanna cry. it touches cords deep in my soul. The guitar, sound so... blue and mellow. Talking about a lone soul looking for its partner, what a better description of myself. "si yo encontrara un alma como la mia, que secretos le contaria"

"Soledad y el Mar", talking about loneliness. This one has a more upbeat tone, still is so sweet. "y esta soledad tan profunda... que me cante el mar, un bolero de soledad"

"Soy lo prohibido", the one that throw the spell, I heard it.. the rhythm ..that guitar... the voice.. and the lyrics. This song couldn`t have showed up at a better time. I always wonder, do the songs show up in a perfect timing or we pay attention to them because of what we are going through? anyway, if my life could have a soundtrack, definitely I know which part this song would go perfect with.

The kissing booth

And it has been a long long time since I havent talked about a movie (which now I realized it is super odd given the fact that I havent say A WORD about Miss Sloane.. one of the top movies on my list.. reserved for a future post, in the mean time GO WATCH IT!)

So, had some troubles sleeping on sunday night and decided to go with the cheesiest movie "The kissing booth", I have read some reviews, a lot of people complaining about the story and how unreal and cheesy and stuff.. maybe that`s true but.. hey! it is a teenager`s movie!!! what did you expect?

anyway... the reason I was move to type this is because of an specific scene that happens in this movie, so basically, you have this super handsome kid, who is the crush of the main character. obviosly, everybody is in love with him.. and of course, he ends up falling in love with her too.
Now, he is a violent person, not only he gets into fights at the tiniest chance, he does have some slight violent behavior towards her. 

and this is what bothers me...

when she confronts him with his violent attitude his answer is "I have already seen two counsels, I think that just how I'm wired"..really? like... REALLY?

I take it the story is the fantasy of every single teenage girl... it was mine too.. but is that what we want to tell little girls now? just because he is fucking smoking hot it is ok to accept that behavior??

women are naturally build to try to fix broken people but encouraging that? sorry, maybe I am being oversensitive with this... or maybe I missed the message here, but to me that is completely wrong.

nobody, men or women, should take on violent behavior whatsoever... there is absolutely no reason we should just accept that.. no matter how hot the guy is.

meh..

one thing I seriously like about posting is how I can come back and realize how life changes from one day to the other.

I see a month ago I was feeling like shit.. don't get me wrong.. I'm still not feeling at my best, but what had me feeling like shit now rest in a limbo of feelings I have yet to figure out what to do with it.

One thing I have clear now is.. I have absolutely no idea what I want. Figuring out ones wishes and motivations in life has now prove to be the hardest thing.
Pushing a lot of people away and not having clear the reason...(actually I think I know.. knowing how much I'm messing up my life and avoiding the so hideous I told you so seems a good reason enough)

For future reference

I just wanna remember how I feel right now.

I feel like shit,

for reasons I still do not comprehend as they have not been clarified to me . But I know when I come back to this post in a few months I will laugh and say "I had absolutely no idea what was coming,.,I cant believe I was crying cause of that.."

crossroad

It feels like I've been here before, yet, circumstances are completely different this time. We are the same but so different, we are not what we used to be anymore.

I knew that all along, but I refused to accept it.

I saw this crossroad ahead a while ago, slowed my pace refusing to reach it. I know what it needs to be done, falling never hurts.., but landing does. Understanding that false image I had constructed in my head. Thinking others are perfect and one is the miserable one.., the one with all the flaws.., the one who should thank others for caring and loving. I now understand I was wrong. Nobody is perfect, it`s not just me. We all have our own share of demons, and each one chooses how to deal with them.

Some steps I need to take to get my mind and soul at ease; are proving to be the hardest ones. It`s not easy to let go of all these castles built over fake ilussions. It was my shelter in my darkest hours. Going back knowing I was capable of such a beautiful feeling;it never failed to make me feel good, but now is gone. I never meant to kill it; it was not my doing.

There`s no grieving this time though.., is that a bad sign?

Farewell

Well... I would dare to say therapy is slowly (very slowly) starting to work. A lot of support has been received from some family units, which has helped immensely; yet, there is still a lot of work to be done.

Now, other stuff. I wish I could say I am improving, but that would be a straight lie. I wish I could say I am understanding, but that would also be a lie. I am tolerating, and I think that hardly leads to anything positive. At this point, I have think in so many different scenarios to try to make sense to what has been going on for the last two months. And truth is, all of them lead me to think I am the one to blame for keep on trying (insisting).

Why do I insist on chasing someone who has so clearly demonstrated wants nothing to do with my company? I wish I could find an answer to that. I really need it, but that cant come from me..and there`s none.

Therapist suggested a book; that at first I was hesitant to read. I forced myself to start and eventually couldn’t stop. Today, it has been a hard day. With some stuff hitting hard on my self-esteem. Finding this letter touched a chord inside, and I think… this is the type of stuff I should hold on to... until I find a sense to everything that is going on.

Dear Fredy:

This is the last email I write to you.

 I love writing to you, but your silence is very painful.

I know I write for the pleasure of writing, I know I need to do it, it makes me happy, it is good for me, and it connects me with myself. But I also need answers.

I know you read what I write, I visualize you opening your computer, waiting for my files, and I know you can’t write right now.

Writing its something that comes to us, it imposes on us, and we cannot force it. I have given a lot of thought on all these that I talk with my patients, about accepting the other´s rhythm. And that is why I patiently wait for your moment to come and connect with me again.

I often see in the couples I work with, the challenges they face due the different rhythms they use to deal with life. I know how important it is to accept the other`s rhythm.

I know men runaway when they feel pressured.

Women usually complain how men shut down at contact, without realizing it is an answer to the same pressure they are imposing on them. Men close themselves when they feel forced, when we don’t give them the time they need.

 I tell myself I should continue writing to you, because it is for my own pleasure.

 Like that subject about give and receive we talked about so many times.

The act of giving is a getting in itself; I receive the pleasure of you getting something good that I have to give you; I get the happiness of you listening and cherish what I give you. It makes no sense to give hoping for something outside the act itself of giving.

 But there comes a moment when I need your word, your silence hurts.

 That is why I have to tell you this is my last email.

We will find each other on a different journey, on another congress, in some other time…

With Love,

Laura

...

Que triste cuando es tan obvio a quien le interesa saber de vos y a quien no...

Pero es todavia mas triste cuando uno es tan caradura de no querer aceptarlo.

Solamente....

April

well.. April has proved to be a serious bitch. Everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong.

I am emotionally exhausted at the moment. I wish things were different; and even though I know some things only take time, it is hard for me to settle with what is given...

anyway..

we are half way of this bitch of a month, and I am at a point where I just let days pass by in the hope all these crap will go away.

Only one good thing I can tell this month brings along.. the birthday of one dope girl.. and despite all the shit going on.. mah g`rl we will rock it!

the rest.. well, not much that can be said or done. Some are resting, some are barely starting the fight. Some... rather to go on to their battles alone... I better get that burn in my head.

I have laid my arms wide open, but they are not needed nor missed. And the arms I wish would hold me are never there for me.

It is time to focus on what we have and stop longing for what we wish but it is not for us to have.

Hello, My name is Karina....

...and I have a mental health problem...

This is something that hasn’t been easy to acknowledge. Yes, I have known for many years now that something was not right. Trying to live with it and take it under control without even understanding it, has been the main battle of my life... causing all aspects of my life to fall into pieces more often than not.

I am finally working on getting help, as expensive as it might be (and believe me it is FUCKING EXPENSIVE), but when I look back, I see it is worth it. Having a healthy and happy relationship with my kid it is worth every penny. I know it is not magic, but somehow I feel I will have more tools now to work with, and so far it is looking good. 

There’s still a very long way to go; barely a step has been made, but I feel confident. 

All this time, I have been able to keep things pretty much under control, but it would only last a few days, and then a bad episode would come. Now, I am looking forward for these episodes to show more rarely, and not only to hope people around me would understand, but to mainly try to understand them.

It is easy to connect and feel empathy with a loved one when you see them sick. You see their physical symptoms of any sickness…fever…a wound...spasms... rash… you name it, you can see it, and you know they are in pain. You feel for them, you try to comfort them and help them anyway you can. 

But how is it when the problem is inside? When is your mind the one that is not working ok?

Up until recently I have come to understand this. I don’t hold it against them. I understand how hard it must be to feel empathy towards someone that looks pretty much healthy. Trying to understand when someone is just hurting us, or making us feel annoyed, when we don’t see what is wrong and we can only see their actions and the hurtful things they say. Most of the time, whatever makes them lose it might seem like...nonsense. 

You have no idea how much of a nonsense we also think that is, but we just can’t control it! Sigh...

Anyway... Not holding grudges with anybody and focusing on understanding what is going on and how to get things to work.. Slowly getting into that path of better health...

Amos Lee - Flower

My heart is a flower

That blooms every hour

I believe in the power

Of love

Well in this lonesome meadow

Well it's soft as a pillow

Oh I pray that we'll go back

To love

I'm going to reach on up over that fear

And whenever I'm alone won't you please be near

I know that darkness before the dawn

Tomorrow's coming and yesterday's gone

I'm going to get my baby

Get up stream

Fall asleep in her arms

And drift away in a dream

Gonna go out walking in the morning light

Well I know that my tomorrow's gonna be alright

Gonna be alright

Well I never shall wither

Well of course I forgive her

Oh please Lord deliver me

To love

I'm going to reach on up over that fear

And whenever I'm alone won't you please be near

I know that darkness before the dawn

Tomorrow's coming and yesterday's gone

I'm going to get my baby

Get up stream

Fall asleep in her arms

And drift away in a dream

Gonna go out walking in the morning light

Well I know that my tomorrow's gonna be alright

Gonna be alright

Gonna be alright

Gonna be alright

Yeah

My heart is a flower

That blooms every hour

I believe in the power

I believe in the power

Of love, love, of love

Khalid - Saved

One, two, three, four



The hard part always seems to last forever
Sometimes I forget that we aren't together
Deep down in my heart, I hope you're doing alright
But from time to time I often think of why you aren't mine



But I'll keep your number saved
'Cause I hope one day you'll get the sense to call me
I'm hoping that you'll say
You're missing me the way I'm missing you
So I'll keep your number saved
'Cause I hope one day I'll get the pride to call you
To tell you that no one else
Is gonna hold you down the way that I do



Now, I can't say I'll be alright without you
And I can't say that I haven't tried to
But, all your stuff is gone
I erased all the pictures from my phone
Of me and you
Here's what I'll do



I'll keep your number saved
'Cause I hope one day you'll get the sense to call me
I'm hoping that you'll say
You're missing me the way I'm missing you
So I'll keep your number saved
'Cause I hope one day I'll get the pride to call you
To tell you that no one else
Is gonna hold you down the way that I do



I hope you think of all the times we shared
I hope you'll finally realize I was the only one who cared
It's crazy how this love thing seems unfair
You won't find a love like mine anywhere



But I'll keep your number saved
'Cause I hope one day you'll get the sense to call me
I'm hoping that you'll say
You're missing me the way I'm missing you (missing me the way I'm missing you)
So I'll keep your number saved
'Cause I hope one day I'll get the pride to call you
To tell you that no one else
Is gonna hold you down the way that I do
So I'll keep your number saved
'Cause I hope one day you'll get the sense to call me
I'm hoping that you'll say
You're missing me the way I'm missing you


I'll keep your number saved
'Cause I hope one day I'll get the pride to call you
To tell you that I'm finally over you
I'm finally over you
Finally over you
Finally over over
Finally over you

cig break #1

And I saw this today on a friend's Facebook and had to steal it. Some of his statements reflect exactly how I feel...

"To whoever loves me next, I’m sorry if I’m afraid of you  or if days of flirting turn to radio silence, without warning. I’m sorry if I make you say the words over and over and over until I believe them.  (I’m sorry if I don’t believe them.) I will probably spend more time  worrying about losing you than I spend  trying to keep you. Trouble is, every single time I’ve ever thought something was too good to be true–  I’ve been right. Understand, I will know how to be vulnerable with you, but I won’t know how not to regret it. And I have no idea how deep we’ll be  into this relationship before I admit I’ve never done this before. Not really.  Not in any way that counts. Before I admit that I know  how to put my body inside someone else’s but not how to make it beautiful. I probably won’t be easy to love.  Too many people loved me badly,  I’m not sure I know how to do it right..."

You are the reason

There goes my heart beating

'Cause you are the reason

I'm losing my sleep

Please come back now

There goes my mind racing

And you are the reason

That I'm still breathing

I'm hopeless now

I'd climb every mountain

And swim every ocean

Just to be with you

And fix what I've broken

Oh, 'cause I need you to see

That you are the reason

There goes my hand shaking

And you are the reason

My heart keeps bleeding

I need you now

If I could turn back the clock

I'd make sure the light defeated the dark

I'd spend every hour, of every day

Keeping you safe

And I'd climb every mountain

And swim every ocean

Just to be with you

And fix what I've broken

Oh, 'cause I need you to see

That you are the reason, oh

(I don't wanna fight no more)

Banging my head against a wall

Ain't anything more charming than meeting someone with the same sense of humour, values and way of seeing life?

Yes, I fell for it, and fell hard.

There's nothing that can be done with people like that, than love them and praise them. Witnessing that level of commitment to their priorities is motivating.

You can only admire how commited they are to work, family, friends and their health. Admire them and wish them the best. Sadly, I don't even have a spot in that list.

After all this time, I have learn you can't change people. You must only learn to love them for who they are, and this sometimes means to let them go. I understand where this person comes from, and there's nothing I wish more for life to give you all the good things you hope and deserve.

And just as you deserve them, I do too. I must stop banging my head on that wall you have built around you. It is not on me to take it down.

I love you with all my heart and I hope one day you find the peace you are so eagerly looking for.

Acting accordingly..

A few days ago while in a meeting, I asked some colleagues "if you could pick your favorite age and stay like that forever, what age would it be and why?" I got some interesting replies, but what got my attention was..most of them chose their 30s.
And when asked why..they would say stuff like... "cause then you know how things work, hardly you will get bullshit"...or... "by that age you know what you want, you don't care about other people's opinion and go for what makes you feel good."

So, it made me feel good realizing I was not the only one feeling like that. At some point, I thought all this "I know what I want" and "I do what I want" came out of surviving so much shit. ..apparently it comes with age.. or the experience...or whatever...

anyway...

thing is... at this point in my life, I have got really good at doing things because they feel good. I don't stop to think what people would say if they find out. I don't care if they agree or not with what I do... if it makes me feel good..it makes my soul feel at peace. ..fuck I'll do it! There's no feeling shit afterwards because I did what I wanted.

This has also empowered me to stop doing things when they are causing pain. I wish I could say I've become good at letting go; because I'm not, but definitely I'm getting better at it.

So...as I sit here looking through my window, I review the past month's events. I guess the time to take the cues given is past gone, and I must accept there are places where I`m not wanted. Even though the outcome might have not been is not what my naive heart grow to expect, I feel ok.  I did what my heart wanted to say and do,. There are abso-fucking-lutely no regrets whatsoever!

April's resolution

Learning to let go and see what happens..



Hoping for the best....

when music finds the words you cant say...

love on the brain

what do I gotta do to get in your motherrfuckin`heart...

it`s hard not to feel scared...

when your head has been hurting not stop for the last 7 days and the pain crawls to the left side of your face.

I know they say I should not voice out my fears, damn you law of attraction! I wonder why when I talk about the nice things I wish would happen in my life, I never seem to attract them... anyway,.,

left side of my face hurts... pain is becoming worst.. cant even cry it out ,.,

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

few things happened/did not happened that night that kept me off my keyboard, but let me share the night of hell that night was...

so, yes... had this annoying pain in the lower back of my head, pain had been there non-stop for over a week and it had turned awfly annoying. The day before the pain had crawled to the left side of my face and on thursday... oh boy thursday... there`s no other way to say it...

On thursday I thought I was getting a stroke. Attempting to describe the level of fear and how scared I was feeling at that moment it would just not make it. My face was burning, it hurted.. it felt like it was slowly turning to stone and was not being able to move it anymore... crying was just making the pain even worst, and let`s not start talking about trying to sleep.. I just could not lay on my left side. The touch of the pillow on my face was as painful as a thousand hot needles..

honestly I did not think I was going to die, but I was sure the stroke Ive been scared of my whole life had finally showed up.. not that I am waiting for it patiently.. he can take his sweet time.

update... no, it was not a stroke. Looks like its just me not dealing with stress in an appropriate manner. As usual.

I wont dare to name this event as a wake up call, but it did made me realize on some matters I have not been dealing with properly. I am in a huge need of a reality check, people made sure to make me realize it that night (yes, thank you for the wake up bitch-slap, cause that`s how it felt)

now, its a matter of getting the treatment done..

Reasons - Khalid

Lucid dream. In reality
I'm just tryna feel your gravity
Always fallin in love, and I'm tired of the cycle
We don't even need a title
You're always on my mind
It's funny how I'm thinking about you all the damn time
You don't got to be mine, just be mine for the night
I don't know what this is but it feels just right
I wanna make a move
Let me know if that sounds cool
All the things I'd do
All the things I'd do for you

There's millions of reasons to love you
There's millions of reasons
You give me a reason to want you
You give me a reason

the hell we live in..

I havent met someone that would understand you better than I do on this,.,

we both live in the same hell,., we both got there through different paths and we are both chosing to live there in different ways. Though I refuse to be swallowed by its darkness, you are letting it embrace you and grow its roots deep down in your soul.

I know your pain, cause Ive felt it too.,. I know that dispair and loneliness,., I know that feeling of hopelessness.,. I know it very well, because I have also been there... stretching my hand to be taken out of that deep dark place only to find a hard look over the shoulder.

it is not easy to deal with this, when you are out of your body watching yourself causing all this pain. when you not only have to fight with the day-to-day hardship, you also have to fight all the demons whispering in your ear,., I know it is hard to fight them... cause I hear them too..

I wont tell you just to control it.. I wont tell you just to cool down and smile and let it go,., if leaving hell was that easy I would have done it too

I see your eyes and it scares me.. sometimes it feels you are giving up. I cant take your hand and lead you out of this place. we are both lost in it and looking for the exit,., yet.. I refuse to call this hell home.

I can only say that I love you, from my own dark hell. I see you and I hear you. Although you refuse to hear me. I can only pray one day, deep within your soul, you hear the sad song of my love.

happy? new year

there are some words that do not make it out of draft...specially when received with a template-like message.. I have allowed once again to some things to get to me.. for once, that`s for sure.

should we judge the past year on one day.. should we judge the new year on one minute... friends who have come back and friends who decided to step away. we are all free to make decisions, based on what we feel is the best thing for ourselves.,.,

and like that, as someone said, heartbreaks come out of expectations. That`s my lesson from last year. Expect nothing from anybody,., name them how you want.