meeting ADHD

and well... its not that ive been avoiding to talk about this, its just I havent found the proper aproach for it.

since last year, my kid and I, have been getting constant feedback, (bad feedback) from his teachers at school. to the point that I would just avoid talking to his teacher at the previous school, for me that was just the worst bitch-on-earth; now in the new school, having basically the same problems, it was a hard punch to my pride having to accept the fact, it was not that bitch´s problem, but my kid was actually having problems.

then I went through the denial period again, now this time was not the teacher´s fault but my kid just not accepting life as it is. I tried, I punished, I yelled, I cried, I broke... I did every thing I can imagine ( and some I hope nobody would ever go through) to get the kid behave.. but the problem just got worst and worst.

now, the kid has been diagnose with ADHD, been trying to do as much reading as I can; and it has been just heart-breaker. Reading those long lists describing behaviors of ADHD kids, answering quizzes where my kid has 8 out of 10 ADD symptoms.

by now I just feel like the a really bad mom.

reading a website Ive found about ADD, I find how things I thought were helping him, were actually causing more problems, it has been a really painful experience to realize how bad Ive been making my lil kid feel all this time, asking him... not, let me rephrase that... DEMANDING him to behave and remember and do things that his brain was just not allowing him to do,, listening his conversations with my mom where he says " I know I dont have to do that, I just dont know how to stop it"
It is one of the biggest pains Ive gone through, knowing my kid has this problem and I havent been there to help him, that he was sending signals that something was wrong and I was not able to see them.

we should be starting treatment pretty soon, so far we are still testing and confirming the diagnostic, Im worry as so many people talk so many bad things about the use of meds on kids, Im scared Im gonna do something that in the long run its gonna fire back.

in the meantime I just keep reading, trying to educate myself more and more about it, so now I will be there for him and I will be able to know how to help him.

it is really hard, as not everybody understands what Im going through, everybody has an opinion and everybody seems to think they are right, its been refreshing to find something structure to rely on to, this appointment my mom made to the neurologist has been by far the best decision we have made in a long time.

ADD..and counting...

my kid is now 5 years old, he started going to school at age 3, currently he is in his 3rd school...since the beginning I was told he used to get distracted pretty easily, but, as a new mom, I thought it was just the fact of him being so young. last year at school was a real hassle, having his teacher complaining about him all the time, saying he doesnt care and gets distracted and bugs the other kids, the only thing I could think about was that his teacher was a bitch and I didnt see the time to have him out of that school.

from some time now, my mom has been telling me my kid has ADD, so I started searching on internet some of the symptoms of that disorder, kids get distracted, they would talk all the time, they would interrupt people when talking, they cant remain sitting when eating, etc, etc..

now, it was hard for me to determine if it was ADD or not, as I dont know any other kids to have as reference, so I couldnt tell up to which point it was normal behavior for a toddler or when it had turned to ADD.

the time he is not at school or at his karate classes he is alone at the house, and the TV is on all the time, even if he is not watching it he needs to have that background noise. so besides all those issues at school , doing homework was a huge fight every day, have to repeat instructions more than 3 times cause he would always forget what he was supposed to do, and he keeps doing things he has been told not to,, Ive got to the point to physical punishment ( Im ashamed I have to say more than once I lost it); we have just two days in the new school and already got a note from school, on monday he used a marker and draw lines all over his uniform tshirt and the couch...I couldnt take it anymore, and as off all the punishments I could think off have been used unsuccessfully, I thought on the only thing I have never touched for him...the TV, he has been without TV all week, needless to say he cried a lot.. A.LOT.

so this week it has been a tv-less week for both of us, but I must say, that thing was taking a lot of valuable time from us; Im ashamed I didnt want to acknowledge that, it was easier to just lay there watching cartoons than looking for something to try to get him distracted and entertained. overall I can tell it has been a good week, it even helped him with maths, he is well aware on how many days are left to be able to watch tv again. (so do I, miss to watch movies :$)

so, after witnessing how much TV was affecting my relationship with the kid and also his own development, I need to find a way to keep it away, cant make the restriction last forever. one option we have found is to let him watch tv just an hour a day and until I have come back from work so I can deal with the fight that we forecast will come when the hour is done.

but still looking for ways to help him out dealing with the ADD and reducing the TV time as much as possible, definitely, trying to deal with all these has been a lot easier now, and keeping myself in more control knowing what Im dealing with has helped a lot, also having someone to talk about this and telling me what I could be doing better takes a huge weight out of my shoulders(thanks honey!). now we read stories every night, and we are trying to follow a schedule as much as possible. gotta say, its taking a lot of work, Im so lazy and my kid has energy to illuminate a complete city for at least 2 days...but still, this week has been one of the best weeks Ive had in a long time, ( following my vacation week which was made memorable :$)

so at least for now, Im taking away the idea on having the kid on the corner outside with a sign "free or better offer"... I might even keep him ;)

que gran dia...

y me dijo...

"Mami, que gran dia..."


indeed it was.... thanks for giving us such a great day =D!

Meet the Robinsons

the kid usually gets stuck with a movie for quite a while, although none of them has been able to beat cars, that one is just his all time favorite one, Im guessing we spend over a year watching that movie around 3 times a day.
now he is stuck with this movie, "meet the Robinsons" and even though he has had some other favorite movies, I like to see him laughing his ass off with this scene (min 3:20 )



I like this particular movie, the message, how family must support each other all the time, its something I think its very important, in the past year Ive come to understand and learn pretty basic and simple rules of social relationships, understanding that we have people aorund us that we love and consider important and, how in order for us to keep those relationships must basically accept those people just the way they are, pure and simple, why? cause we are all special, and there´s nobody perfect.

that movie reflects in a very funny and a lil bit exagerated way, all those carachteristics we might find annoying on each other, but that at the same time, adds value to the day to day routine.

and I should be doing my fisica report.......

started to get some of the results of the last parciales, gotta say, didnt end up as bad as I thought. one thing is for sure, gotta do a lot better the next one, I dont like those crappy scores,.,

kid has been doing a lil bit better at school, at least that´s what I like to think, my mom´s theory is that the teacher just gave up and that´s the reason why we stopped receiving notes from school. some other problems are arising though, but they are here at the house, gotta say its a lot worst, people at my family (gotta include myself) are not that good receiving feedback ( special note, we are all good taking feedback from other people, but things between us 5 it just sucks) so, gotta make some people here understand how things work here, the escalation process seems to have been messed up a lil bit so we gotta calibrate the whole thing again. I just hope we will be able to do it and nobody will feel hurt.

anyway,.,

ehm, started to read again, and again, my boss had to talk to me about that :s, I was able to improve the metrics I was failing but consistency is my problem, specially when Im necia and start reading...damn, I just cant stop! so I guess Ill have to start all over again and stop reading, I end up reading digital fortress like in 2 days...and I already have the next one ready, I wont take it to work so I wont be tempted to read it :$

on saturday I watched "my sister´s keeper", mmm more than saying a good movie, I would say its a good story, really good one gotta say, my main issue with the movie was having Cameron Diaz as the mom, not a role for her, a mom going through that it is just way too much...I just dont buy it coming from her...anyway, the reason I brought the movie up was cause I heard a song in the movie, and I just loved it, so, I got my artist of the week from there :D, Chantal Kreviazuk....

for the past weeks Ive also been watching season 1 of Dr House, I love that TV series, trying to make season 2 last as long as possible so I wont have to wait too long till season 3 is completly downloaded; I love that "grown up-from-peanuts" talking they have,., jajajja ;)

today I had my boss almost begging me to go do some OT this coming sunday, I know I will regret so much doing it, but, having 3 days off weekend it is not bad at all, specially cause Ill have it payed double and I desperately need the money, so hopefully that day will go fast :(



[and I used The Notebook video cause....well...just cause its funny, I wish I could see ur face :P jajajaja]

read and remember

sou, this coming weekend I have labs and homework...which means Ive been dong whatever comes to my mind...nah..been farming, I actually did a new arrangement so I can plant more seeds so I can get the house I want... mmm.. ( what a delusional parragraph alli..)

anyway...

so in order to keep procrastinating cause that´s what I know how to do best, I started checking my previous posts, and its funny (?) how things can change from one day to the other, just on the last couple of months, there are post saying how much life sucks and how much some people made my life really hard, then are some other saying how much life was great, that couldnt get any better,.,.,gran bsing ahi...

thing is, I was thinking, how sometimes we get overwhelmed by emotions, we get blind thinking what we are going through its the worst thing ever and that most likely we will not be able to survive...but then, comes a new day, comes a new post, that helps to remind us how what made life feel like hell on earth, is now gone, that we survived and that we had no idea what was yet to come; some really good things, and some bad ones, but at the end..we had survived.,.

so today, that was a very heavy and weird day, I will go back to my old post, read and remember how I felt we all were going to die, and go to sleep thinking on the good day that is waiting for me tomorrow ( and that we all are not going to die cause of a broken crayon...or 8 )

nunca jamas!..ni en el mas ever de los ever...

today I started my training, two weeks training, 4 hours a day,.,I was literally falling asleep, worst thing is, Im the only girl, and we are just like 10 there, so if I fall asleep definitely someone will notice, being that someone, the trainer :s
I have two labs tomorrow, one of them math, and as I haven't touch anything at all, its giving me a lot of issues, then fisica lab, that one will be interesting,.,

came home today, did homework with the kid, then we had dinner and talked, its interesting how things change and we dont even notice, he has started to share a lot more, I try to talk to him about my job, and he makes questions about it, its funny to hear him, realizing how he sees the world, he has always had a very extended vocabulary, guess that´s makes it funny too, to see him so young but asking so serious things, but at the same time he comes up with so many funny stories...Ive received some offers to do an exchange, (like if someone has been reading this Oo!), and I said, JAMAS! definitely this kid makes me so freaking upset, and not him but the whole situation of having to be responsible for someone else´s life sometimes just feels like way too much, but no matter how hard he can manage to turn things, I would never change him JAMAS, NUNCA JAMAS!! (but just in case come try again when we are doing homework :P)

guess I should keep on working in my homework, busy day waiting tomorrow....

if that's what it takes..

so many things going one at this point in my life, some very exciting and happy and some other, very stressing. yesterday was a very tough day, gotta say Im sorry to some one who payed a price he was not supposed to, dont know how you are handling all this, I gotta be honest with you, I have no idea what to do, how to do it, what to say, when to say it,.,its funny cause I feel like if Im 15 years old again, que embarrassing jaja

been avoiding to write about this for a few days, basically cause the mix of feelings has been way too much for me to handle, work is getting really stressing and it has been hard for me to maintain sanity regarding that, feeling the clock is ticking behind my back, has taken the worst out of me.

but today, today has been different,.,realizing I was acting really bad, holding accountable people who had nothing to do with what was going on, as someone told me not so long ago, "you need to learn to let go, just let yourself go" so, Im trying, today I did it, and I have to say, it feels good.

came home, did homework with the kid, who by the way didnt bring any notes from school (finally!), had dinner with him and heard funny stories about paco at school, that poor bird, first and last day at school...

thanks for coming home with me today, those few minutes I get to spend with you really help to make me forget all that stress from sales, and customers, and everything...I really really needed them :$

forgot my cap...dammit!

" just put your sales cap on (mentally,.. unless you have one for real,. :O!)"



...and I need to learn how to sell,.,


so thing is this, Ive been threaten to get fired if I dont reach my goal on sales,., 4 years ago when I was doing my interview, the manager in charge was kind enough asking me...you seem to have selling skills, would you like to go to our sales dept? HELL NO! please send me to tech....

anyway, Ive been giving a lot of thought to this, trying to hear when these people is selling, and damn, I just cant :$, cant lie that way, I need to learn how to make up some nice bullshit and learn how to sell it.

things havent been doing that good lately I guess, Im tired, worried, in pain,.,. I just need to get more organized, feel Im getting one thing after the other, no time to breath. Been delaying some very important things, and I need to catch up with them ASAP.

big changes are coming ahead, life is kicking me hard to make me understand that.,.,

update....

and I ended up one more day sale-less.,.not even a damn disc!
kid is at the beach right now with my parents, house is so boring without him; thought on taking advantage on the situation but right now I just wished I would have told them to wait for me,.,
guess I should make better use of this time.

as ironic as it can be, right now I feel Im paying back things I wished to some other people so long long long ago...... PAYBACK TIME IS A BITCH!

times like these....

I never understood when my mom said she wished she could have her kids in a crystal box, to save us from anybody who could hurt us. I never understood till now that Im a mom myself.

I wish I could have my kid in a safe place, where nobody and nothing could hurt him. I had a talk with him today, that Ive been afraid was gonna happen at any point. Im guessing I will never be ready for these type of things, no matter how much I think ahead, and doesnt matter the smart answer I might have planned, facing the fact of my kid going through some uncomfortable situation, just makes my heart ache.

when his father and I split up, I always tried to had clear in my mind, one thing was that person as a husband and another one as a father. so I spent months beggin him to take the kid out, he always used as excuse he didnt have money. didnt matter how many options I tried to give him, options where he didnt have to spend money to be with his kid, he never did it. his family were the ones who constantly came to visit him and to take him out. so I gave up on the pushing for that, as time passed by the kid stopped calling him daddy and started calling him uncle. gotta be honest, I never got him out of his mistake, deep inside I was happy. and aparently his father never cared. so time went by...and the kid kept on calling him that way.

today he comes and tells me.,.,you know my uncle doesnt understands me when I call him, nor him or my grandparents. and Im all like -mm, but how? what do you mean they dont understand you?. .yes-he said,-Im say uncle J and they go like uh? what? who? who are u talking to?, and then uncle J comes and say call me daddy; so I asked the kid-ok, how do you wanna call him?. and the kid said-uncle J, but he doesnt understands.
when we got to this point of the conversation, he had a sad face. he just turned around and fell asleep.

first I felt bad, I have no idea what goes into my kids head. which is the idea he has about a father. I never hide him who his father is, but nor the kid or his father cared on getting closer, now; for no apparent reason that man has decided to get closer to the kid. And he expects the kid just to come and call him dad just cause he wants to, for me is just unacceptable. specially when I see is getting my kid uncomfortable.

I wish I could have a smart answer for my boy, I wish I could tell him, fine, just call him whatever he wants you to call him, I rather I could just get him away from that people; times like these just make me wish I would have been smarter in the past and never got involved with that person, at least, that I would have never had a kid with him. I can deal with the pain and frustration and anger that person drives out of everybody around him, but knowing that he will do that to my kid makes me sad, makes me wish so many awful things toward him...

..things that would make lil tiny baby Jesus into tears...

talks with the kid

me: we are not going to the canopy thing anymore
kid: mmm..ok...
me: but you are going to the "place in the middle of nowhere"
kid: yes! can I take some toys?
me: ok..two
kid:noo 3
me: no, 2
kid: noooo, 3
me: mm, ok lets make it just 1
kid: mm, 2 vaya
me: ok
kid: -.- ouh nou (damn!)

last day in the week of horror

yesterday was a really tough day. had the last exam, I should have read at least once, but I didnt do anything. at least I passed. I dont like that cause that means having to work harder for this one later on, but, damn, I was way too tired.
came back, had lunch with the family, they were supposed to go to this "place in the middle of nowhere" but I messed up, I told the kid he could go but he had so many homework, that at the end he had to stay home, he was really sad cause of that, I dont blame him. that was totally my fault. so we spent the rest of the afternoon fighting to have him read numbers and write them down. it took around 4 or 5 hours to complete the whole homework. we were exhausted.

got to watch a movie I love, unfortunately its been really rare that I get to see it since the beginning. but I always get the same feeling when I get to the last part, when she is crying cause she thinks she lost him cause she was to coward to talk to him and the damn cat scares her cause she is daydreaming he is coming to the kitchen, and then when she runs to catch him but he is about to ring the door bell.....I havent found it with the subtitle to download it yet, but Ill find it someday.
and then we decided to do a tv series marathon, as if we didnt need to rest at all...I had watch it already, it was really really good, but it really changed when shared, I had a really good time and slept like a baby the next 3 hours :P, thanks for sharing, I know Ive been pushing for that, I finally got you to watch it :D
now Im really sleepy, but just got a chocolate :D that will wake me up, have to go pay college, and English exam...eeeewww...hate to walk...

*-*-*-

just came back, did the payment, it was a good move to wait till today cause there was nobody there, I even got to pick up the forms for the English exam, when walking to pick up the forms I saw the Tahoe again, I love it! I was gonna take a picture of it when coming back but was gone already :( so Ill have to wait, Ill be so harassing that tahoe from now on jajajaja

day 2..the toughest one...just one more day to go

so here´s the thing,.,.

last semester, which btw was my first one, I killed myself studying, almost literally. I studied each and every day. I was tired, almost didnt see my kid, and the grades I got were not exactly what I expected as a pay off to all that hard work.
this semester I definitely have started it the wrong way...I basically just didnt care for the past 4 weeks and tried to get all that info in less than a week. I feel like with a constipated brain..so much info inside, trying to find a place to stay still, numbers and rules and formulas getting mixed up there, they just dont know how to file them selves; and totally unable to come out. master plan was to study as much as I could and to have a good night sleep on friday night, but the last thing I did was to sleep.
now Im at about 4 hours to the first exam, which I havent review anything for it.

we´ll see how this day goes. so far I have to say is doing good. Ill post the update as soon as I come back home.

I have the best kid ever, he woke up early in the morning as usual, trying as hard as he could not to make any sound whatsoever, and let me sleep till his tummy couldnt take it anymore...he goes and touches me and said "mommy its been a long while since you are here, there´s nobody out there and Im really really hungry" how was I not supposed to jump out of the bed to fix him some breakfast??, that was the sweetest way to wake me up. before he used to go hit the door till ill almost fell off its hinches and yell "MOOOOOOOOOOMMMM"

and let me tell you this, if he manages to keep the new way till he gets married, I can tell you .....he is sooooo getting "some" every night

*-*-

and Im updating till today cause last night I was just way too tired, but it went good, really good. Fisica exam was way way too long, but did it completly and hopefully wiht no mistakes. Math was even better, TEACHER ALLOWS PRINTED MATERIAL FOR IT! I didnt know but Im so printing everything for the next one.

warning: I havent had a good night sleep for almost a week so this post might just not make any sense , you might want to skip it till the next one

Be open and don't judge. People who have differing opinions aren't less than you.

"See if you can inspire others with your righteous energy -- it may be somewhat tougher than usual, but those who do get it should light up like Christmas trees! A few of you working together can make a difference."

ok, I dont like today's horoscope, it sounds really inspiring, thinking I could be able to light up people like Christmas trees but, I dont think Ill be able to when Im feeling so down myself. my leg is still hurting, pretty much Im guessing is the whole stress of the parciales and having so many things to study with not enough time to do it, also having so many issues understanding; I really need help on this. ...hhhhhhmmmmmuuuuufffffff (((((suspiro))))) anyway....

I received a note back from the kid's teacher, at this point Im totally disappointed and have no idea what to do. she keeps sending notes complaining about the kid not working, how he doesnt follow instructions, that he keeps on messing his classmates books, etc, etc, etc...

so obviously I feel bad cause I wish my kid would be one of those kids the teachers love and they cant stop saying how awesome they are, [Im not saying my kid is not awesome, the only thing is that blind lazy bitch is not able to see on to such sky-rocking awesomeness] so, as Ive been living hell on earth trying to get the kid meet her standard I decided I was not gonna be giving away my life and his life just to have her happy, I decided my kid needed a different approach and that eventually we were going to meet the level he is supposed to be, we are all different and he might not work the same way or speed as the other kids. so after the switch I can tell, everything has improved, the times I consider leaving him on the corner with the free sign hanging from his neck have been reduce in a significant rate, we are able to do homeworks in a very very acceptable way ( I mean, this is my point of view, Im sending him to school to learn so what if he doesnt do that O as a perfect circle, I can tell its an O, isnt she supposed to teach him on how to do it? if we all were born knowing there would not be a point on having teachers [so you better give a second thought on all that complaining you bitch who Im paying her paycheck]

now, as she is in that small room with all those little devils dress up in uniforms, she is able to tell the difference between his work and the other kids work, but I just wonder, are all those other 34 kids doing such a perfect job that my kid's work is so offensive to her sensible eyes? I wonder cause I have no one else to compare, so for me its very acceptable, but again, he is my kid, even if he gets to kill someone I will first high-five him for a job well done, I will worry later regarding the whole moral issue.

so, I sent her a note, I tried to hold myself together and try to show me as a worried mother willing to help her to tame this lil creature sent from the darkest corners of hell, but aparently it sounded like I cant understand how come she cant see the brilliance in my kid and that she totally sucks cause the kid hates school. and she replied....ouh that bitch dare to reply...

...and at this point I have to be honest I wish there was someone else, right now is one of those moments when I understand the reason why family has two parental units, cause when one of them gets tired, the other one comes to the rescue, cause when one wants to describe that bitch all the awful ways she might die if she doesnt motivate that kid, the other one will come to have a mature conversation with her or will scare the living hell out of her, cause when one is way too drunk to get up from bed, the other one will be able to handle the hangover to at least go and check up on the kid, cause when one has the need to keep changing channels there will be someone else to complain about it....and now this post went way too long and I totally lost it..

....im so sleepy, Im still waiting my caffeine pill :s

....update....no caffeine pill....but coffee is doing its job :D

weekend highlights

Your luck is about to change today -- and that could be a good thing or a bad thing.

"Your opinion isn't taken as seriously as you think it should be today, but that just means that you've got to roll with it and come back later when your boss -- or whoever -- is ready to hear the truth."

-and Im becoming addicted to this things,.,.[but to be honest, so far doesnt feel the change is gonna be for good :( ]

Im utterly tired right now, been sleeping an average of 3 hours since friday, my eyes are hurting, cant keep them open. I even fell asleep today, thanks to someones proactivity she woke me up and I was able to get the kid ready on time to go to school, if not Im guessing pretty much we will be both snoring in our bed still.

have parciales this coming weekend, fisica and mate, there's so much to read and exercises to do, as the plan is to have a good night sleep on friday Im trying to do as much as I can these days, Im mostly worried about the theory, cause I havent read shie but I think Im doing kinda good with the other part.

this weekend was an enlightening one, been feeling kinda frustrated regarding some things someone told me months ago and I just couldn't understand them at all, after a few beers apparently people gets in the mood of talking and it was really helpful, realized I was missing the meaning of what has been said and had forgotten all the things Ive gone through, now I get its just a timely manner, I walked that same road so long ago that I just couldnt see what was really going on.

also did some talking with the kid a few days ago; one of my biggest fears has always been, to hear him telling me someday he wants to go live at his grandparents house cause he has more fun there than living with me. pretty much my day with him goes sort like this, in the morning I just get him ready to go to school, fighting to get him out of bed, fighting to get him dress, fighting to get him to eat something and then he leaves, when I come back from work fighting to get him do homework, fighting to get him to have dinner, fighting to get him to sleep, so I feel Im the bad guy here, and when he gets to go to that other house, its all watching tv, eating snacks, doing nothing...so I asked him if he likes to go there and he said...mmm yes...do you like to go there and stay with him (his dad)...mmm..no, not really....do you like to be with me...YES! love you mommy and he closed his eyes and fell asleep, right there,.,that unhesitating answer told me everything is gonna be ok, that Im doing it right and that no matter how hard it looks, I still have my kid who loves me....and that is all what I need.

..and Im adding this song just cause my son likes it :D

talks with the kid III

mom: se siente brisa...creo q va a llover
kid: no, la noche es la que esta fresca, pero no va a llover
mom: porq?
kid: porq yo digo
mom: y como sabes?
kid: porq soy un dientologo
mom: meteorologo?
kid: nooooooo...dientologo
mom: cientifico queres decir?
kid: NO! dien-to-logooooooooooo
mom: y q es un dientologo?
kid: ya sabes....el que siente los movimientos de todo...de todas las cosas...entonces se que no va a llover...
mom: aaaaaaahhhh...ok

**UPDATE,.,I told this story to my dad, he thinks what the kid was trying to say was vientologo...which I gotta say it does make more sense than the dientologo one, but me da weba change it and I found it quite funny how I heard it so Im gonna leave it there :P

procastinating and taking it easy

at the beginning of this week I saw how much work I have pending and how many things I have to do during the weekend...first thing to do..check how many OTHER things I can do instead of the homeworks....procastination mode ON!

next thing in the list was to freak out thinking about all the homework, all the studying, classes, labs, etc that I have to do, but as of today, Im feeling better, Fisica homework is almost done, just missing a couple of exercises and to print it out. have a lot of reading to do for ortografia and TIC, damn...hate ortografia...eeeewwwww

anyway, stepping out a bit, seems there's nothing to freak out and it seems Ill be able to do everything on time. the kid has been doing good at school too, homework with him is not a hell anymore, as people say, once you touch bottom the only way you can go is up....so looks like after that freaky sunday we both reach bottom and now we are both going up..TOGETHER :D

as days go by Im feeling better, getting my mind at ease and learning to focus on the things that matter and the things I can actually control, everything else..well,., there's nothing that can be done and Im not hurting myself anymore cause of that, learning how to let go has been really hard, the toughest thing Ive had to do, but definitely is paying off

enjoying calm after the storm

souh,., the whole kid's teacher thing was really annoying, I guess I was in denial thinking it was her being lazy not wanting to do extra work with my kid just cause all the other kids in the room are a bunch of pussies who have no will of their own.

anyway, I started to get worry when all of a sudden my son seemed to have a menopausal grumpy woman trapped inside, he was just not willing to do any homework at all, it didn't matter how much I threat with taking away his toys, leaving him with no tv for the rest of his life or just to leave him in the corner with a FREE sign hanging on his neck.

and I just collapsed...it didn't happen all of sudden, it was a slow process and very painful, I noticed when I started calling my friend crying cause I couldn't take it anymore, crying alone everytime I saw homework pending, and we reached bottom a week ago when I thought just on walking away and leave everything and got my mom upset with me, that day that I thought life couldnt get any worst...and I cried cause I thought I was not gonna make it.

I spent my time searching every article I could find regarding helping a 5 year old doing homework,., Im not gonna say I indeed applied the things that I found, but they gave me some reference on the things Ive been doing so wrong.
so, last week he missed some classes cause he was kinda sick and he went back on saturday, so he was around 3 days behind in all his work, I was about to pass out when I saw so many work pending. but we got it done by sunday morning...I was AMAZED...Im not gonna lie, was not easy, but it was what I think a normal level of unwillingness. yesterday I got home a lil bit late than usual, and he had a lot of work again, and it was just the most amazing experience ever, we made jokes, I had to be sitting next to him all the time, but we got almost everything done, and the work done was just perfect, we couldnt finish cause it was too late, there was a lot of work and he was about to start crying, he just wanted to sleep, I refused to push him anymore and we got to the agreement he would wake up earlier the next day to finish the work, he just said yes and fell asleep immediately.

two things about the whole experience got me really shock...first, the fact that he was working SO DAMN GOOD, Ive always known he can do a good job but that coloring....those numbers....it was just glowing in awesomeness....and when I told him how wonderful his work was he goes and says...mommy is just I dont want you to get upset with me, so that's why I work.
my heart broke at that point, had to hold myself together to not start crying right there, cant believe how much pressure Ive been putting in to those lil shoulders that the only thing that motivates him to work is not getting me upset.

that was hard, but I realize how setting up a real goal helped so much, I was not gonna keep on fighting to match the teacher's criteria, I understand my kid has his own speed of learning and his own way of doing things...so now Im not focusing on the side he chooses to start drawing the circle as long as he does it and get it done right.

sorry baby Im learning how to be a mom with you...I wish I knew how to do everything right from start...thanks for loving me so much.

thinking out loud

wow...fighting was reduced in 90% and homework is now done...Im such a good mom...


I shouldn't be allowed to text while doped....just a thought....

:::Goo goo dolls-before its too late:::

...so live like you mean it
live till you feel it
its all that we need in our lives...

I seem to be doing better of all this sickness thing, the kid got me a lil scared cause he had fever since yesterday afternoon and through the night he stayed at an average of 38º, though today he´s been doing really good.

happy birthday to my mom, sorry mom, you couldnt get away of my "mess up birthday" curse I seem to have this year, dunno why´s that and I certainly wished it wouldnt have happened with you, but damn, you do make it easy young lady. anyway, hope you find some fun in the middle of such darkness.

Im still in the search of some ways to deal with the kid, trying not to stress and to find some patient where I know I dont have any, but, gotta deal with it, there´s no other way.

everything else...dunno, just holding on I guess, for the first time ever I seem to be dealing pretty much good on it, [yeah right!] weird cause I know it has made me feel down really really bad but at the same time I just hope at the end its the best thing to do,., this is just one of those things that make me wish I could see the future to know if Im right or wrong...just time will tell I guess