review 2009

today has been such a bad day, I haven't take calls today, Ive been taking escalations, escalations...escalations..this lady said I was obnoxious (obnoxious! Ive heard that word only on finding Nemo..oO) rude and impolite.
so to try keeping my mind at ease, I decided I was gonna post, I realize posting is my way of venting,.,anyway
2009 is almost over, it has been a good year, a year to settle I would say, 2008 was the year of excess, was the year were I found out all the things I thought were cool, actually were not that cool, so 2009 was the year to settle and realize what I had done, set my north and try to define the path Im gonna follow.

[had a lot of calls so this is another day hopefully a good last day]

[and I have some music at last...I cant post without music in the background]

[and yes I have the music but cant play it here as WMP refuses to play the files and I cant install winamp, well I can but Im scared to install anything since I infected this computer with a virus last week]

....anyway......

so, 2009, what happened?...

came back to CTS, still cant define if it was a good move or not, but, here we are...still
with the kid we had out first "real school" experience, I call it that way cause, the 2 previous years I didnt make that much of a pressure, thought he was too young and saw it more like an "enhanced" daycare. we didnt do that good, but definitely now we know we have to work harder to achieve what we want. new school is coming, and we can just expect its gonna be good.
family guess is doing ok, had our ups and down with my siblings, mostly downs with my brother, that's a work in progress I think :(
now me...hhhuummm was a year of..hhmm..contrast maybe
got closer to my old friends, some got married and are even expecting their first baby, some got their master, some traveled to Europe, they had fun indeed. at work, I also got some of my old friends back, I cant remember now who got the guts to start talking and just clearing the whole mess we both did and took us apart, even though we dont talk so much and we go out even less, it feels good to know I have my old friends here and that I count on them always!
I finally sign in the university and so far I have 10 courses approved..average score 8, and that is a big achievement for me, thinking about the high amount of things I have to be dealing with, time in classes was fun, specially the last semester.
I got my notebook, (finally!) my fights for the family desktop are gone, now its time to get my own tv :D. although this purchase left us with some minor inconvenience, it was good to have people supporting me, going back and forth trying to solve this. but we have it now, and it was fun doing the shopping ;)
during this year I also lost my grandma, that was something really sad, sad in several different levels, was sad for the pure matter of loosing her, sad cause I wish I wouldnt have been so scared of her and had the guts to ask her some of her life stories, I bet it was an interesting life, sad cause I realize how lost my mom felt and still feels without her, and sad cause I wasnt feeling as sad as I guess I was supposed to feel. she was such a strong woman, dealing with 7 kids alone is no fun, it was serious work, thinking about it gives me strength when I feel I cant do it anymore with my own kid.
something really special about this year was, to witness how some aspects of our life keep changing till they develop into something bigger and better than you ever expected. had ups and downs regarding this matter along the year, had huge doubts and took decisions with the only hope they were the right thing to do. I had no idea what was coming! I remember this, and when I go back and read this, brings a huge smile to my face, this is so much better than what I daydreamed so long, thanks for everything!

Christmas 09

and its Christmas!

when we are lil kids, Christmas here pretty much goes the same way. wearing new clothes, going to grandma's house, play with fireworks, eat tamales, play with more fireworks, go back home, play with more fireworks.
as time went by, tradition in my house was pretty much that for a long long time, till my parents split, so tradition changed, we would go to my grandma's house, my siblings would stay there while I went with my dad to visit my aunt. then we would go back home to be at midnight all together.

this is the first Christmas without my grandma...and I feel totally lost.

I have no idea what we are supposed to do today, should we go to my mom's house, should she go to our house, should I go with my dad to visit my aunt, should I stay at home with her. it is so weird.

I can forecast a tough Christmas tonight, I can tell my mom will not be doing that good, but maybe she will be ok, you never know what's coming with her, that lady is so unpredictable.

overall its a good Christmas, at least, its the first year I dont have to force myself to think on all the good things Ive received this year, happiness its coming by itself, thanks to my family who once again have shown they are always there to support my son and me, to my friends, who make each day at work more bearable and fill me with laughs with all their silly things, to my son, who fills me with kisses and hugs everyday and make me realize how lucky I am to have him even though he gets me tired so damn fast, to my sweety, how has been with me for such a long time as my best friend, just for your mere existence I want to be the best version of me, and I do hope that 1% as you said really makes it up.

Merry Christmas to all, I love you with all my heart!.

love relationships, cientific facts

so there's this scientific proof that the basis of our reproduction is being driven by 3 aspects, which would be: lust, romantic attraction and attachment.
now lust is given basically by the sex hormones, like testosterone and estrogen that makes us want to have sex with one person, romantic attraction driven by the desire system and its fed by the dopamine and that makes us love a person and there's attachment that is given by some other hormones and another portion in the brain and that makes us want to have a long term bound with someone. all that for me it is so interesting, how the brain works on developing all those different emotions.

now, the down side of all that is...that all those systems are in different parts of the brain, so each of those functions, lust, romantic attraction and attachment do not work together, so people may want to have sex with one person, feel in love with some else but wanting to have a long relationship with a third one.

I just hope to take over all your brain so all those functions would be focus on me ;D

and I know I shouldnt

I know I shouldn't, but I cant help it. Im just so pissed off right now. Kid´s grandparents pass by to pick up my lil sis to go to some church-activities. the kid asked if he could go along, I said no, mainly cause its late (and cause I dont want him to period); so it annoys me they coming here but, guess I kinda handle it. what it really felt like a kick right in my stomach was to hear the kid´s father out there and not even bothering on talking to the kid, (nothing beyond saying hello).
I know that Im contradicting myself here, I do want that man away from my kid, but it really pisses me off the fact of him, caring and taking with him someone else´s kid instead of his own.
it worries me the image the kid must have about the person he should call "father", not really sure what a father is for him. but it really hurts me that his own father is such a jerk.
one thing I know for sure, he will regret it. He has no idea what he is missing. yes, my kid makes me feel I want to hang myself almost 90% of the time, but he is the most amazing thing ever, he is so funny, so cute, so sweet. looking those sweet cute lil eyes, the way he looks at me adn kisses me hundred times and says how much he loves me and how much he misses me, its something I wouldnt change for anything.
Im not gonna deny, I wish I would have waited, I wish I wouldnt have thought I was capable of being a good mother, I wish I wouldve choose the correct person, but ever since I have him, life is million times better, I have a reason to wake up every day, looking forward to come back home, to get those sweet hugs and all my sweet kisses, listening all his nonsense its the most perfect conversation ever.
this weekend we were laying in bed and he was right on top of me, and I said,
me: I still remember when I had you inside my belly...you were soooo small
kid: ouh yes I was small
me: yes, and look at you now, so big...
kid: yes I still remember being inside you, it was so fun, I had all my furniture, and my plants, and my toys...I had everything inside ur belly...

I couldnt stop laughing, my kid is just the best kid I could have....(at least during the day cause at night when he is kicking my back or hitting my face with his fist he doesnt look so cute)

ouh that mopho... he will regret it, I know that...

blast from the past....

I was going through my music files and found this song, I knew was kinda old, but when I found the video in you tube I was shock, 1988! dayum, I was...let me check...I was 6 years old! anyway, made me laughed, I remember my older cousin dressing like that and getting her hair with the high ony tail, although she would use it in a more Cyndi Lauper way



but then I found this other song...and that´s a real blast from the past...



I remember hearing that song in those radio programs they would air on sunday night..."una noche para dos...con Ozi Reyes... (I don even know if that´s how its spelled..) jaja, remember those people calling to send greetings to their lovely oso pooh from tigger...so lame, guess in the inside I was jealous and wishing for someone to call and dedicate a song to me...jajaja

but we can only hope...

no se realmente en que momento comenze, pero de un tiempo aca, tiendo mucho a detenerme, ver hacia atras; y a ver que hice bien, que hice mal, y como las situaciones desagradables que han sucedido en algun momento de mi vida me obligaron a tomar caminos que nunca hubiera tomado, pero que me han llevado a cosas mejores, cosas que nunca me habia imaginado.
usualmente al estar cerca el final del año, me doy cuenta la diferencia entre ese año y el año anterior, si lo he terminado mejor, peor, igual...y pienso en todo lo bueno que el siguiente me traera,.,
pero ahora, ahora no se que pensar. han sucedido tantas cosas, en años anteriores han sucedido cosas tan desagradables, pero tenia la certeza que con el tiempo todo estaria mejor, despues de todo por alli dicen, una vez se toca fondo el unico lugar al que se puede ir, es hacia arriba.. creo que no recuerdo nunca haber terminado un año como este, no tengo certeza de nada, no se como voy a terminar este año, y eso que apenas solo falta un mes.
quizas esa sea la diferencia este año, no saber lo que viene mañana...

...but we can only hope its gonna be something good.... -.-

T-I-R-E-D!

so, past few days have been mentally exhausting for me. been carrying an unbearable amount of frustration at my job, and as immature as I am, instead of working harder to change my actual state here, I started to give a damn about it, which after a few weeks lead to the inevitable, someone was gonna find out and was gonna report it to my boss,.,
so, got the warning from my boss, (till now I havent been told exactly what the disciplinary action would be), the kid starts his summer school today at the new school, (first time in his life going to school alone ), I have no damn money ( which apparently its a normal state for everybody here) and also going through some personal transition-renovating-renew kind of thing... now Im just T-I-R-E-D!
anyway, Im working hard right now to do what I have to at my job, that way I wont get my butt kicked out of here, I really need this damn job. (I wish I could have a job of my own, too bad I cant think on something )
cant wait for friday to come, Im just stressed and tired, there are only two instances where everything seems to dissapear and I can breath normally... those minutes before my baby falls asleep; looking at those beautiful eyes and how he says I love you mommy; or when Im with my handsome boyfriend just watching tv or a movie, those moments right there are my definition of happiness, I could stay there forever...

Spend the day keeping a nice, healthy distance between you and whomever you've been trying to duck out on -- even if you know they'll notice and take offense. What's more important, after all? Having a good day? Or placating someone who really does need to realize, once and for all, that nobody in their right mind wants to be around a Debbie Downer. You win.

~! mmmm.,., ok

jajaja, my day-to-day experience at work.... ~.~

que gran dia...

y me dijo...

"Mami, que gran dia..."


indeed it was.... thanks for giving us such a great day =D!

friday 13th..

friday 13th...

if there's something Ive never believed in is superstition...but today, man, today might make me reconsider that..s.
ironically, the reasons why it has been such a bad day, are nothing even close to supernatural events. although I gotta say it is interesting to see how a chain of event can develop in such a very unpleasant result. I know everything that happens comes as a consequence of what we do or say, but I had never lived something so obvious like as today.
so, it all started last night, started with a phone call, then a phone running out of charge, a short power cord on an ac adapter, an alarm set to vibration, a vibration that is so low I didnt feel it, which led to me waiking up so damn late, as I rush to come to work I forgot to bring the chest gear of the kid I had till today to return, as I was still half way asleep when I got here, got in a fight with a customer, which left me feeling even worst, and as a result also of me waiking up so late I forgot to get my money in my purse, I had to go to the drugstore to my meds, no money, have to pay the cab to go see the kid, NO MONEY!, with my hormons going nuts, anxious waiting for my boss to ask him his approval to take a late lunch to go see my kid, having him using my sale rate as an excuse, I end up crying,., FTS! CRYING, in the bathroom...how lame is that! which made me to realize how unable to express myself when I dealing with all these things at once, feeling bad cause it seems Im making some people feel uncomfortable when the only thing I want is to have exactly those people right next to me, and even though that, I just cant say it.

sleeping my sunday off

so...parciales are finally over, we´ve had rain all weekend, and after i had the last parcial, went to meet the family at my mom´s as we do all sundays. so had lunch with them, watched the news, 91 deaths 60 missing .... ( feeling so damn bad I let him leave the house in such terrible weather condition knowing the place I live..that was just irresponsable from my side, baby Im so sorry) so after I had lunch, went to bed to watch movies and I fell asleep...woke up a few times but I was feeling so damn lazy...I got up like 5 hours later...I needed that rest. then came home, and now Im not sleepy at all, so Im enjoying just watching my boys embracing the sleepiness.
things at work again are getting fucked up, still dont know how I would manage but, the plan so far, is to improve what Ive been failing so far, have to manage to sale and to ask for that freaking email. then, Ill ask for the raise...how? I still dont know...as of right now, Ill have to manage.
Gotta say, days like today, I feel....I feel...blessed....having people I love and who love me around...safe...looking at all the things that seem to be coming my way but, I know, Ill do it. we can do it, and it all be ok.
now, I knew this long long time ago, but, last night was one more proof that...I so should stop drinking...at least when Im pmsing or when Im in THAT week of the month :$ I just loose it..,and its not funny at all to just mess such a perfect moment.

God Im old!

as I was on my way home yesterday, the dude who drove me home was listening to a radio and they started playing an old song, I remember while riding in the car with my dad, dudes in the radio saying "do you remember this song?" and I would think like, "damn that people is old!"; but yesterday, yesterday was my turn...that dude in the radio saying, "do you remember this song?...that song that man dedicated to you...that man that you are married now...or that was your first boyfriend..?" I never had a boyfriend at school, and definitely nobody dedicated that song to me, but, I thought, he is right, how many woman my age are listening to that song thinking about their sweetheart at school, or even those who actually got married with them...God I AM OLD!

horoscope

Patience is your lesson for today. Not everything will happen on your time table.

Overview

You're asked for assistance, probably pretty late in the day, and find that you can offer quite a bit more than what you're asked for. Make sure that your friends know that you're there for them.

No matter where you are, keep your Kleenex handy, and warn your companions that you just might turn into a faucet at any given moment. You're feeling even more nostalgic than usual, and you know it. It's time to stop feeling bad about it. It's lovely to be able to experience emotions that deeply. Just ask any of the other denizens of this planet, most of whom spend far too much time and energy trying to hide what's going on behind the surface.

~ u.u and I like it when someone understands que soy una gran chillona :$

ZZZZzzzzzzzz.......

last night was a terrible night, cant remember having one like that in..in..jamas!
was there in my usual routine before bed time, farming, chatting and the eternal fight between either watching a movie or House a lil, which usually ends up on getting me so sleepy that I just go to sleep instead...
so last night as I got no more chat interaction and was starting to feel sleepy decided to shut down the computer (something I rarely do at night) and went to bed...and there the nightmare begins....
started turning from one side to the other...the pillowing that usually makes me fall asleep instantly this time were just the most annoying thing ever, then started to feel cold, got the xps colchita...feeling nice and all of a sudden when I was feeling so comfortable, started feeling hot...unbearably hot...had to take the colchita off...then cold again...then hot again...and turning side to side....getting pillows away...bringing them back again...after what it seemed eternity (my best guest it was like 1 hour and a half) I decided to House a lil, just to get sleepy enough and finally be able to fall asleep. so, got some episodes in the playlist and lay there...eyes wide open...crying (vaya pues no, but I was feeling like to :$) cause I was feeling so damn tired, begging to fall asleep but just couldnt....
there was no pain, yes the leg was bugging a lil but was not even pain, was, just, an, annoying feeling alli, dunno; so, no pain, and feeling sleepy, but as soon I would close my eyes it would be like my brain just started yelling at me, yes, it was like that, every damn time I closed my eyes trying not to think on anything, my brain would start yelling how much I wanted to sleep, it was so damn annoying, and now that I think about it and read it back, it sounds so fucked up, but, it was like that,.,around 2:30 am and realizing how bad the next day was gonna be for the lack of sleep, I just pictured how I must have looked right that minute, sitting on the corner of my bed starting blank to the notebook's screen, just crying (tearless vaya) cause I wanted to sleep so much..
now Im here at work, I already have a black coffee and a coke, wishing I could sleep during lunch, and just counting the hours to go home,.,I just hope tonight will be different,.,

Meet the Robinsons

the kid usually gets stuck with a movie for quite a while, although none of them has been able to beat cars, that one is just his all time favorite one, Im guessing we spend over a year watching that movie around 3 times a day.
now he is stuck with this movie, "meet the Robinsons" and even though he has had some other favorite movies, I like to see him laughing his ass off with this scene (min 3:20 )



I like this particular movie, the message, how family must support each other all the time, its something I think its very important, in the past year Ive come to understand and learn pretty basic and simple rules of social relationships, understanding that we have people aorund us that we love and consider important and, how in order for us to keep those relationships must basically accept those people just the way they are, pure and simple, why? cause we are all special, and there´s nobody perfect.

that movie reflects in a very funny and a lil bit exagerated way, all those carachteristics we might find annoying on each other, but that at the same time, adds value to the day to day routine.

and I should be doing my fisica report.......

started to get some of the results of the last parciales, gotta say, didnt end up as bad as I thought. one thing is for sure, gotta do a lot better the next one, I dont like those crappy scores,.,

kid has been doing a lil bit better at school, at least that´s what I like to think, my mom´s theory is that the teacher just gave up and that´s the reason why we stopped receiving notes from school. some other problems are arising though, but they are here at the house, gotta say its a lot worst, people at my family (gotta include myself) are not that good receiving feedback ( special note, we are all good taking feedback from other people, but things between us 5 it just sucks) so, gotta make some people here understand how things work here, the escalation process seems to have been messed up a lil bit so we gotta calibrate the whole thing again. I just hope we will be able to do it and nobody will feel hurt.

anyway,.,

ehm, started to read again, and again, my boss had to talk to me about that :s, I was able to improve the metrics I was failing but consistency is my problem, specially when Im necia and start reading...damn, I just cant stop! so I guess Ill have to start all over again and stop reading, I end up reading digital fortress like in 2 days...and I already have the next one ready, I wont take it to work so I wont be tempted to read it :$

on saturday I watched "my sister´s keeper", mmm more than saying a good movie, I would say its a good story, really good one gotta say, my main issue with the movie was having Cameron Diaz as the mom, not a role for her, a mom going through that it is just way too much...I just dont buy it coming from her...anyway, the reason I brought the movie up was cause I heard a song in the movie, and I just loved it, so, I got my artist of the week from there :D, Chantal Kreviazuk....

for the past weeks Ive also been watching season 1 of Dr House, I love that TV series, trying to make season 2 last as long as possible so I wont have to wait too long till season 3 is completly downloaded; I love that "grown up-from-peanuts" talking they have,., jajajja ;)

today I had my boss almost begging me to go do some OT this coming sunday, I know I will regret so much doing it, but, having 3 days off weekend it is not bad at all, specially cause Ill have it payed double and I desperately need the money, so hopefully that day will go fast :(



[and I used The Notebook video cause....well...just cause its funny, I wish I could see ur face :P jajajaja]

blast from the past..

as its already known about me, Im a procrastinator; most of the time, its a conscious thing when I CHOOSE to procrastinate whatever I have to do, but, sometimes, my mind chooses to do it, its in those moments that songs from my past come back to my mind and the already know BLAST FROM THE PAST happen... I was advise to post them, at first I thought mmmm nah,., but right now, while listening to this lady screaming in one of my ears and listening to this song on my other one, an image came to my mind.
it was anytime in the early 90's, my parents gave me the best gift ever, a Sony WM-FX28 walkman


and then I became a fan, but like a FAN of Bon Jovi, I would sing his songs over and over again, first thing to do as soon as I came back from school, and even at nights....I would sing as loud as I could, which gotta say, was a big issue, cause I didnt care as having the volume all the way up I couldnt hear myself; what I did was nothing not even close to sing...specially those high pitch he does in this specific song, around that same time I was falling over my knees for a guy, so I would sing it with all the love a 12-15 years old girl can have inside, till I fell asleep or till my dad would come to knock my door or yell at my window to shut up cause I was screaming. next day would be a mandatory thing to go through all the jokes and humiliation he would come up with.
till today he still enjoys making fun of me, and every once in a while he will ask if by now I have learn to sing....

questioning...

update....
went to the doctor..he gave me the letter a needed; in exchange, I have to take the kid to his clinic to get some vaccines...guess its a fair trade. went to the new school, they didnt say anything, just grabbed the papers and told me the date to pay the rest of the money ( that bono better come soon :( )

...enough update...

today I had my last parcial, did really bad. actually Ive done really bad in all of them ( the important ones). I putted all the blame in the leg pain, which, well, yes it doesnt let me concentrate but I dont think its the whole problem. having a lot of issues to organize myself, I need to start "exceling" my time I guess :$

in the afternoon the kid left with my parents, so I stayed home. Seize to watched some Dr. House episodes, and one of them brought something to my mind, some sort of...fear maybe, dunno how to call it; anyway, the point is, I dont like when I get into this stages, when something is just bouncing on your head, thinking on bringing that up next time, but doubting if its the best call as it might not be nothing but if you bring it up it might cause a huge damage....sucks!

Ive been trying to recall the few times I felt like this, gotta say most of them, they turned out to be nothing, or it was me just trying to sell myself the idea of everything doing ok. fear of hearing something different of what I want to hear? damn, now I brought up even more questioning than how I started...

one more day

Your energy may be lagging a little bit now, but so what? Give yourself a break.

If you reach too high for your goals, you may end up disappointing yourself. You hold yourself to exceptionally high standards, and it's been working for you -- to a certain extent. Today try setting more modest goals, and experiment with reduced expectations. It's time you gave yourself a break -- today just picture where you want to be three months from now -- not a decade! An easy plan will pop into your head and get you thinking positively.

~ sera ? Oo mmmmmm

for the last few weeks Ive been just way too sleepy. Its like all of a sudden all the sleepiness has been directed to me, so in case someone that is reading this hasnt been able to sleep, its my fault. worst thing is, that even having all this sleepiness Im still not sleepin, why? ehm, well,., there are some more interesting things to do at that time, which honestly at that time seem to be a good idea, damn vice...

I received an email today with, what for some reason, I feel like its the last warning regarding my quality issues; [although now that I think about it, every warning Ive received Ive felt them like they are the very last one,.,and guess what?,..,here I am...still] this is coming more than a trend and I should definitely get over all that, I agree on that being unacceptable, I should start getting more sleep so I can focus on what Im doing, I just spend my day daydreaming on my bed and my xps colchita...

tomorrow I have my comp day, I have to go to the doctor, get the letter I need and then go to the new school, to fight for them to receive the papers or to give me my money back, Im getting ready to cry if they say no, and Im talking to cry like for real crying. like the tantrum not even the kid has made to me ever before.

lets hope everything will be ok...

review of a busy week...[where I have so many things to say but at the end I didnt say a thing...]

haven't been able to post for a few days, guess is not only the fact that I haven't been able to browse at work as freely as I used to, but, dunno, either Im busy, or nothing has bother me enough like to come and vent here. anyway,.,starting labs weekend and I should be reading for tomorrow.
the kid has been doing pretty much the same, he still plays too much at school, teacher keeps complaining; been having a lot of issues trying to get the kid in the new school, that was such a terrible adventure last tuesday, that will start all over this next tuesday, I have so many things to do that day..,very important things, I kinda know I wont get them solved that same day but as long as they seem to start the process then, Id be happy...
work,.,ehm, I got a slight improvement in some issues, but I messed up in some others,.,I really have problems balancing the tasks Im supposed to do.,having such a sad paycheck and realizing everyday how some other people is getting payed a LOT more than what I do definitely is killing all my willing to improve, but, still, is the only paycheck I have so I better take care of it, :(

Everything else, well, ehm, I would say its ok, its really hard to evaluate my life in that sense right now,it hasnt been easy, I know I have messed up I couple of times, is not easy for me,having to break a lot of really bad habits I had requires a lot of energy from me, it leaves me exhausted at the end of the day.,.but a good exhausted,.,sleeping has been getting a lot easier..and its always with a smile in my face, so definitely a happy face alli for the job well done :D

read and remember

sou, this coming weekend I have labs and homework...which means Ive been dong whatever comes to my mind...nah..been farming, I actually did a new arrangement so I can plant more seeds so I can get the house I want... mmm.. ( what a delusional parragraph alli..)

anyway...

so in order to keep procrastinating cause that´s what I know how to do best, I started checking my previous posts, and its funny (?) how things can change from one day to the other, just on the last couple of months, there are post saying how much life sucks and how much some people made my life really hard, then are some other saying how much life was great, that couldnt get any better,.,.,gran bsing ahi...

thing is, I was thinking, how sometimes we get overwhelmed by emotions, we get blind thinking what we are going through its the worst thing ever and that most likely we will not be able to survive...but then, comes a new day, comes a new post, that helps to remind us how what made life feel like hell on earth, is now gone, that we survived and that we had no idea what was yet to come; some really good things, and some bad ones, but at the end..we had survived.,.

so today, that was a very heavy and weird day, I will go back to my old post, read and remember how I felt we all were going to die, and go to sleep thinking on the good day that is waiting for me tomorrow ( and that we all are not going to die cause of a broken crayon...or 8 )

nunca jamas!..ni en el mas ever de los ever...

today I started my training, two weeks training, 4 hours a day,.,I was literally falling asleep, worst thing is, Im the only girl, and we are just like 10 there, so if I fall asleep definitely someone will notice, being that someone, the trainer :s
I have two labs tomorrow, one of them math, and as I haven't touch anything at all, its giving me a lot of issues, then fisica lab, that one will be interesting,.,

came home today, did homework with the kid, then we had dinner and talked, its interesting how things change and we dont even notice, he has started to share a lot more, I try to talk to him about my job, and he makes questions about it, its funny to hear him, realizing how he sees the world, he has always had a very extended vocabulary, guess that´s makes it funny too, to see him so young but asking so serious things, but at the same time he comes up with so many funny stories...Ive received some offers to do an exchange, (like if someone has been reading this Oo!), and I said, JAMAS! definitely this kid makes me so freaking upset, and not him but the whole situation of having to be responsible for someone else´s life sometimes just feels like way too much, but no matter how hard he can manage to turn things, I would never change him JAMAS, NUNCA JAMAS!! (but just in case come try again when we are doing homework :P)

guess I should keep on working in my homework, busy day waiting tomorrow....

stubborness 101

"Don't be too critical of somebody. Sure they could do it better. But they're trying.

Someone close to you needs to distance themselves -- but it's almost certainly temporary! Everyone needs space sometimes, and if you set them free, they're almost sure to return to you soon."

~ que tal eso? como no! guess mm, I dont know, Im just gonna keep trying to get some things out of my mind as Ive been doing for the last weeks, gotta say, honestly, some comments made today didnt help at all, but, nothing I can do, I wont get you out of your spot, plus, old self-protection habits are kinda hard to remove, BUT Im planning, getting in action plan to understand this is totally unnecessary ASAP has to make the job. just an old habit of mine, knowing the WHY´s of everything, annoying?..maybe, at least for some people looks like it is :$

anyway....

only thing I would say is, now more than ever I can tell...

KARMA IS SUCH A BITCH!

feeling balanced

Out with the old and in with the new. Striking a balance could require a big change
Today brings at least one new way of seeing your situation -- one that feels more balanced! It's a great day to start to feel normal again after a long period of wondering where you were headed.

~ and I really love when the horoscope seems to actually be talking to me :P
I really hope Im actually finding my balance at last. still feel I dont have define where Im heading but somehow it doesnt feel Im THAT lost as I used to feel. Im so scared due the kid's change of school, Im scared its not gonna be a good move, that he might not like it, etc, etc. but, well, I hope at the end it will be for good.
Been doing a couple of small sales this week, its not even the 1% of what I was supposed to sell but, at least it shows Im working on it, at least I think it counts for something, but who knows what he will think.
,.,but Ive promised myself I wont stress for that anymore.. :)

if that's what it takes..

so many things going one at this point in my life, some very exciting and happy and some other, very stressing. yesterday was a very tough day, gotta say Im sorry to some one who payed a price he was not supposed to, dont know how you are handling all this, I gotta be honest with you, I have no idea what to do, how to do it, what to say, when to say it,.,its funny cause I feel like if Im 15 years old again, que embarrassing jaja

been avoiding to write about this for a few days, basically cause the mix of feelings has been way too much for me to handle, work is getting really stressing and it has been hard for me to maintain sanity regarding that, feeling the clock is ticking behind my back, has taken the worst out of me.

but today, today has been different,.,realizing I was acting really bad, holding accountable people who had nothing to do with what was going on, as someone told me not so long ago, "you need to learn to let go, just let yourself go" so, Im trying, today I did it, and I have to say, it feels good.

came home, did homework with the kid, who by the way didnt bring any notes from school (finally!), had dinner with him and heard funny stories about paco at school, that poor bird, first and last day at school...

thanks for coming home with me today, those few minutes I get to spend with you really help to make me forget all that stress from sales, and customers, and everything...I really really needed them :$

leg pain...cuando no!

*headache
*hungry
*thirsty
*bored
*in pain
*worried
*desperate
*hurted

pretty much that´s how my day has been today, nothing worth to tell, went to take calls, tried to sell, sold at least around 30 bucks, this lady is supposed to purchase a system tomorrow so we will see.
leg pain attacked all of a sudden in the afternoon, it was hurting really really bad, got a lot worst on my way out, doctor says its strees or when Im worried or sad or whatever cant remember.

ehm, well.,.dunno exactly what else, kid brought another note, Im tired of that, but I delegated that to my dad cause I cant do that anymore. got my compensatory schedules so we will see how that works out.
dont wanna be day dreaming things this time, lately Ive realize does things do not work at all. what ever is gonna happen , it will happen.

guessing its just about time to stop thinking on the sales, Im stressing way too much, got enought advises already, is not thag I dont give a fuck, cause I do care, this job has way too many advantages for me, but Im stressing way too much, and when Im stress I just hurt all the people around, so,.,.well, just hope the rest of the week will be better

forgot my cap...dammit!

" just put your sales cap on (mentally,.. unless you have one for real,. :O!)"



...and I need to learn how to sell,.,


so thing is this, Ive been threaten to get fired if I dont reach my goal on sales,., 4 years ago when I was doing my interview, the manager in charge was kind enough asking me...you seem to have selling skills, would you like to go to our sales dept? HELL NO! please send me to tech....

anyway, Ive been giving a lot of thought to this, trying to hear when these people is selling, and damn, I just cant :$, cant lie that way, I need to learn how to make up some nice bullshit and learn how to sell it.

things havent been doing that good lately I guess, Im tired, worried, in pain,.,. I just need to get more organized, feel Im getting one thing after the other, no time to breath. Been delaying some very important things, and I need to catch up with them ASAP.

big changes are coming ahead, life is kicking me hard to make me understand that.,.,

update....

and I ended up one more day sale-less.,.not even a damn disc!
kid is at the beach right now with my parents, house is so boring without him; thought on taking advantage on the situation but right now I just wished I would have told them to wait for me,.,
guess I should make better use of this time.

as ironic as it can be, right now I feel Im paying back things I wished to some other people so long long long ago...... PAYBACK TIME IS A BITCH!

let the universe take the wheel...

You've been on an emotional roller coaster lately, and you've had all the fun you can stand. You may find yourself trying to figure out what's going to happen next. Just for the next couple of days, though, stop pushing. Let the universe take the wheel and see what happens. Along the way, you could end up feeling pretty darned good about yourself -- all because of someone who wants to see you as you really are.

~ mmm, no comments,.-.- guess yes, I should stop thinking and give some rest to some thoughts that keep bouncing inside my head, it might be time for the universe to take the wheel, and for me just to step aside and just watch,.,Im tired, Im just tired, trying to figure out things that are just totally out of my control.

nothing good or interesting for the last few days, been writting about the thoughts I got after a recent visit to the bank, but, damn, que weba

finally TIC homework is done and uploaded, working right now on the fisica homework, dont like this, but Im trying to finish that today so I can go out tomorrow. planning to have lunch with Liss, I really need that, have so long not talking with her, we need to catch up.

on monday starts the count, we´ll see if this time its for real, got 3 weeks....if we dont make it in 3 all this will be over. guess thats one of the things that has been making me feel so down lately,.,I just hope whatever happens, as HE told me once, "whatever happens its gonna be for the best",.,if not...we´ll see our faces back in 60 (right chepis?)

the good way...

and today, Im just feeling tired, SO.DAMN.TIRED.

wish things were different, hhmm, no no, wish I could face things in a different way. in a good way. getting stuck on things that, when I stop to think about it, I bet they dont matter, missing the main thing that is going on, giving such a deal to things that are not entirely under my control, or that might just be pure threats. Im allowing myself to get stress WAY TOO FUCKING MUCH.
got homework to do, but, as usual procrastinating as much as I can. But Ill start as soon as I post this.

look who's growing up...

Have you investigated every avenue? There's an opportunity you're missing today.

It's the best time for you to get started on a creative project of some kind -- maybe a new artistic direction, or maybe a whirlwind of home improvement. Your good energy is directed outward.

~ (nothing to say -.-)

and truth is, I was feeling so damn angry,.,one of those angry moments that just makes me wanna cry. I manage to keep my shit together and choose to go to lunch to do some thinking. smoked my anger and came back. as my horoscope says...I have to do some searching, check my options...so Im just evaluating the situation, definitely Im not in a position to come with one of my usual reactions, got many bills to pay and a kid to send to school, time to bite my tongue, shut up and look for a way to get myself in a better situation. [ damn,., cant believe that came out of me, look who's growing up...]

reveal to me!!!!

Your psychic powers are stronger than usual today, so expect some big jolts as people's souls reveal themselves to you. It's a good time to file information away for alter use, rather than taking direct action.

~ :O! aha! I like that one....heard, acknowledge and understood...hooah!

PS,.just had two cups of coffee as I had just a few hours of sleep, what worries me is that Im not feeling sleepy, just burning eyes, so Im guessing later today Ill be feeling the hit of the lack of sleep and I have classes today. Ill need to have coffee going directly to my veins,.,and funny things happen when there are insane amounts of caffeine in my body... so.. we'll see how it goes

the coffee boost lasted all morning, after lunch, food and coke got me really high but it lasted just like half and hour, which was more than enough to make fun of a few dudes in my team. from there on everything was down down down..leg is bugging but seems to be doing better.

and all Im gonna say about this day is.,.,I never expected this type of revelation, Im happy to realize how each day has something new to surprise me, huge surprise,.,came home, unable to think on anything, totally in shock still...to find the kid with a good note from his teacher, saying how good he worked and behaved at school. IS THERE A WAY THIS DAY COULD HAVE GOT ANY BETTER?

times like these....

I never understood when my mom said she wished she could have her kids in a crystal box, to save us from anybody who could hurt us. I never understood till now that Im a mom myself.

I wish I could have my kid in a safe place, where nobody and nothing could hurt him. I had a talk with him today, that Ive been afraid was gonna happen at any point. Im guessing I will never be ready for these type of things, no matter how much I think ahead, and doesnt matter the smart answer I might have planned, facing the fact of my kid going through some uncomfortable situation, just makes my heart ache.

when his father and I split up, I always tried to had clear in my mind, one thing was that person as a husband and another one as a father. so I spent months beggin him to take the kid out, he always used as excuse he didnt have money. didnt matter how many options I tried to give him, options where he didnt have to spend money to be with his kid, he never did it. his family were the ones who constantly came to visit him and to take him out. so I gave up on the pushing for that, as time passed by the kid stopped calling him daddy and started calling him uncle. gotta be honest, I never got him out of his mistake, deep inside I was happy. and aparently his father never cared. so time went by...and the kid kept on calling him that way.

today he comes and tells me.,.,you know my uncle doesnt understands me when I call him, nor him or my grandparents. and Im all like -mm, but how? what do you mean they dont understand you?. .yes-he said,-Im say uncle J and they go like uh? what? who? who are u talking to?, and then uncle J comes and say call me daddy; so I asked the kid-ok, how do you wanna call him?. and the kid said-uncle J, but he doesnt understands.
when we got to this point of the conversation, he had a sad face. he just turned around and fell asleep.

first I felt bad, I have no idea what goes into my kids head. which is the idea he has about a father. I never hide him who his father is, but nor the kid or his father cared on getting closer, now; for no apparent reason that man has decided to get closer to the kid. And he expects the kid just to come and call him dad just cause he wants to, for me is just unacceptable. specially when I see is getting my kid uncomfortable.

I wish I could have a smart answer for my boy, I wish I could tell him, fine, just call him whatever he wants you to call him, I rather I could just get him away from that people; times like these just make me wish I would have been smarter in the past and never got involved with that person, at least, that I would have never had a kid with him. I can deal with the pain and frustration and anger that person drives out of everybody around him, but knowing that he will do that to my kid makes me sad, makes me wish so many awful things toward him...

..things that would make lil tiny baby Jesus into tears...

today's forecast...:P

You've never been especially fond of idle chatter. It's not that you don't like chatting with friends. You just don't like wasting your time on conversation that means nothing at all. In fact, you don't like participating in anything that doesn't have a meaningful ending. You've been dealing with that type of thing for days and you're tired of it, but there's light at the end of this tunnel now, and you know it -- the kind that will actually show you something.

~wow,., :O!

Quickie

Someone wrote something very sweet. Open your email and find a love letter in there.

~to which one? Ill have to be checking the five accounts I have..hhmmm

Overview

Communication is a bit more difficult than usual right now, but you can expect more clarity soon. If you ask for more time, it's a safe bet that you'll get it. Don't make any firm decisions!

~difficult meaning...none? firm decisions!? hmm, guess Im reading someone else's horoscope... n.n

talks with the kid

me: we are not going to the canopy thing anymore
kid: mmm..ok...
me: but you are going to the "place in the middle of nowhere"
kid: yes! can I take some toys?
me: ok..two
kid:noo 3
me: no, 2
kid: noooo, 3
me: mm, ok lets make it just 1
kid: mm, 2 vaya
me: ok
kid: -.- ouh nou (damn!)

It's tough getting older

"Sometimes to get yourself together, you have to allow yourself to go to pieces first. Sounds puzzling? Well, it can be. If the solution or the root of a problem has been eluding you, it's time to dismantle all the parts that make up the whole and examine each of them separately before you try to build some kind of coalition or solution. That way, you can identify where the issue is and really fix things, as opposed to applying merely a temporary solution"

damn horoscope!-pretty much this is what Ive been trying to do for the past few weeks, each and every inconvenience Ive had had with each and everyone around me; hasnt been easy, leaving selfishness aside and having to say, "yes, I fucked up. Im sorry" is not easy.

Ive allowed myself to go to pieces first, and yes, gotta say, that has been the only way to get myself together to find the road Im supposed to be. Its taking hard work, some things are doing better than others, some are easier than others, some others just look still in a total chaos, but I can tell, Im on my way. It would be a lot of help knowing what people have on their minds, but guess there are things we have to leave to time. only time will tell what the outcome will be. Guess right now, some wounds havent heal yet, at least not enough to allow to forget the pain and continue living.

today was a good day, been craving Chinese food for days, and got to have some today (really good one btw), and got the movies I was wishing for my movie night :D

just missing my chocolate-mint ice cream..but we will leave that for some other good day :D

and as my life is an ongoing soundtrack...

talks with...my sister

sister: It is so weird and uncomfortable to fall in love with your best friend
me: oO...ehmm..mmmm...ehhmm...why? +.+
sister: well, cause.,.we are always together, I tell him everything, he tells me everything,.,and I see him and cant stop thinking..no, NO, NOOOOOOOO I cant be falling in love....I dont want to
me: -.- why not?
sister: cause he doesnt look like even caring about what I feel
me: u.u ouh
sister: what should I do?
me: O.O ehm...mmm (start typing twittering the shock of being ask for such an advise, that was really ironic)
sister: dont you dare to be telling him what I just asked you!
me: ajjajajajajajjaja noooooooooo (thinking: Im not telling him that one...but Im so twittering this :P)

para los incredulos...(wtf!)

here's the thing...for the past weeks (?) Ive been working really hard to improve myself in a lot of different aspects I consider I need to do some deep changes to have people around me happy and as consequence..me happy...( actually it should be the other way around)

One of the main changes is the fact of stopping a bit and think about the words that are about to come out of my mouth. Doesnt work all the time, there are a few ,.,situations,., where having me thinking over and over about what Im gonna say just ends up getting worst, even more when Im not allow to say the whole script Ive made up in my mind and I get my face hit with the "Ok, I got it" answer...and Im just loosing the point here...

the point of all that rant is...ok, bear with me a minute here,., Im not a very religious person, I dont go to church, I used to, but not anymore. do I believe in God? hhhmmm good question, and Im not gonna get into that; what I will say is, that I do like to think, there's something out there, bigger than me, that in those nights where thoughts would just not hold into a place inside my mind I could go out, smoke the night and speak them out,.,and this...whatever name you wanna call it, would listen,,.just that...,

and guess Ill just go straight to what is getting stuck in my throat anyway...

I just received an email,.,one of those chain things....with one of those inspiring stories about giving and sharing, waiting nothing in return and how God bless us no matter what, and how much we should regret all our sins blah blah blah...

but, its not the email, or the story what got me so disturb,,,its the person who sent it.

that person is the last person I need to be giving me advises, its one of those who will come to you, tell you "please, dont be sad, you are how you are cause you keep living in denial. come to God, he will change you as he changed me, he will bring peace to your heart and joy and happiness to your life, cant you see the peaceful in my eyes?" and when you come and see this person attitude, his way of living...damn...dayum...DAAHH AMM...

breath....

and I just wanted to vent...really and Im gonna say this cause that's why I have a blog..

I cant believe how people can actually be so hypocrite, I dont know what annoys me more, the story, the advise, the image that person tries to show up or the fact that up to this point I still get upset cause of a fucking email...

y ya...

going to meeting...


+-+-+-+-

late update,.,.

someone´s grandma died today, I feel really bad cause I couldnt go, he was there when my grandma died, so felt like I should have gone, too bad circumstances are not the more appropriate; I bet he understands if not..well too bad, Im not gonna be giving out my peace of mind just to pay some respect...nothing against that grieving person,.,damn..too hard too explain,.,but definitely I can tell I understand now the email sent today,.,para los incredulos...wtf was that shit...trying to break some ice with an email..thinking I will be there maybe? nunca JAMAS!

dancing with the stars

and every time I get to hear this song the only thing that comes to my mind its me dancing, but not any dance,.,noooooOOOO,.,Im talking about a real dance, like for real for real, like with choreography and "dancing with the stars" custom and the whole thing...



oO....

guess its the cold freezing my brain...,.,

the router, the frosty...y los demas...

and today was the culmination of a very important goal I had setup to myself. the purchase of the laptop and getting the wireless network in the house. My dad wanted to help me and tried to get the wireless thing on his own, unfortunately, didnt work, and as my brother has this special gift of just taking the shit out of everybody, my dad and I had reach this point of wanting to resolve this internet issue someway or another. so, we agreed on purchasing the router instead of waiting for the ISP.
so, my friend searched for some routers on line so we had an idea on how much they would cost. and today we went looking for some new ones, considering that for a lil higher price we would get a new item instead of a used one. anyway, we got it, I couldn't wait to get home to setup the whole thing. what made the waiting bearable was a rocking frosty cappuccino I got...really good.
so came home, connected the whole thing, and started fighting with the network encryption (thanks for the help, I couldnt have done it without you) till we finally got it.
started walking around the house chatting, felt like a lil kid on Christmas, this couldn't get any better!![actually yes, but guess Im keeping this blog PG-13 so..]

Im happy, frosty cappuccino, new router and my very own wireless network....

thanks for all the help and mentoring through all this painful process, you have definitely played a very important part in all these, even though u keep saying u havent done anything, thanks for rocking! :D

venting

and that video in the previous post keep looking weird, have no idea why, I already checked the code and its just like all the other ones Ive previously used, and honestly I like the song, so I wont remove it and Im not in the mood to keep fighting with it, so, IDGAF!

so, came home, found the kid studying as he is in exam week, and checked on the daily planner, just to find another two pages note from the teacher...that totally got me down. Im tired of this, Im supposed to go meet with her ASAP, but honestly I dont want to see her face anymore. she keeps complaining about the kid´s behavior, and honestly I cant help to feel so disappointed, feeling as such a failure as a mom, and the worst thing is, that I have no idea how to fix all these. what got my attention is the fact that his karate instructor is so amazed with his as he is catching up so good with the kids that have been there in class for over a year; so its kinda curious that he is able to follow instructions so good in one place but in the other one apparently he is the worst kid that has been admitted in that school.

I was supposed to go get the forms to get him in a new school today, unfortunately,they close before I get out of work so I couldnt do it. Im still pending to figure out how to work it out.

Ill be asking for my compensatory days for the weeks to come, as apparently I dont have that much time anymore and definitely I dont want to loose them. just hope Ill make them worth it.

just as a side note...the keyboard is starting to get hot, actually is not the keyboard its the left side of the palmrest and the touchpad...I would say, HDD, motherboard and palmrest replacement

**-*-*-
another side note...I can proudly say I kept my shit together last night and successfully handle what in the past would have ended in a very nasty discussion with certain specimen in my family; at that point my dad and my sister where in the room so they got to hear everything...bad note...my dad tried to talk to him, but, is something that particular person doesnt know, for some reason in his mind, every body around him are slaves who have to do and please him on whatever he wants :s but Im improving, and that makes me happy...and I should be getting my router soon, so that would be one less fight a day :D

:::cosmic gate ft Tiff Lacey-open your heart:::

usually I just have a lot of songs in my playlist, I stopped my attempts to have them organize cause for any other reason they would always get messed up again, so now I just have them there, playing in the background while I fight with the customer, and there are sometimes that I get stuck in one and start listening to the same one over and over again, the one Im stuck with right now is this one



and it brought up to my attention that several of the songs Ive been getting stuck with have been featured by this girl, she really rocks :D

anyway, I was craving for some chocolate ice cream today, so as I wanted this so much I decided to go downstairs to buy one, but guess what ? there was no ice cream :( so I ended up eating a pina colada popsicle. the point of this is that brought up to my memory that other flavor I love...pina colada,..there were some candies I loved when I was a kid, I could eat the whole bag at once, you could even feel the tiny pieces of coconut..damn! they were like christmas every day!! jaja

and Ive been trying to find a picture of those candies and the chocolate-mint cookies I love (but havent been able to find them either) but this was the closest I could found....

I do remember they looked something like that, but damn...they were so freaking good...ouh cielos...I want chocolate mint cookies and pina colada candies....and ice cream...

last day in the week of horror

yesterday was a really tough day. had the last exam, I should have read at least once, but I didnt do anything. at least I passed. I dont like that cause that means having to work harder for this one later on, but, damn, I was way too tired.
came back, had lunch with the family, they were supposed to go to this "place in the middle of nowhere" but I messed up, I told the kid he could go but he had so many homework, that at the end he had to stay home, he was really sad cause of that, I dont blame him. that was totally my fault. so we spent the rest of the afternoon fighting to have him read numbers and write them down. it took around 4 or 5 hours to complete the whole homework. we were exhausted.

got to watch a movie I love, unfortunately its been really rare that I get to see it since the beginning. but I always get the same feeling when I get to the last part, when she is crying cause she thinks she lost him cause she was to coward to talk to him and the damn cat scares her cause she is daydreaming he is coming to the kitchen, and then when she runs to catch him but he is about to ring the door bell.....I havent found it with the subtitle to download it yet, but Ill find it someday.
and then we decided to do a tv series marathon, as if we didnt need to rest at all...I had watch it already, it was really really good, but it really changed when shared, I had a really good time and slept like a baby the next 3 hours :P, thanks for sharing, I know Ive been pushing for that, I finally got you to watch it :D
now Im really sleepy, but just got a chocolate :D that will wake me up, have to go pay college, and English exam...eeeewww...hate to walk...

*-*-*-

just came back, did the payment, it was a good move to wait till today cause there was nobody there, I even got to pick up the forms for the English exam, when walking to pick up the forms I saw the Tahoe again, I love it! I was gonna take a picture of it when coming back but was gone already :( so Ill have to wait, Ill be so harassing that tahoe from now on jajajaja

Back to Basics

after giving a lot of thought I decided Im gonna post this, just to be able to read it back when Im 80 and decided to review what was gonig on with my life back in august 2009.

Ive been in some kind of relationship [actually describing it that way is too much but, Ill leave that way ] for the last 10 months, and last night I decided to call it over for me, why for me? cause I was the one thinking there was something going on, he was just...I dont know, he knows, I Dont.

a couple of months ago, while I was doing my daily review [smoking] in the backyard, I thought on how much I would like my kid to grow up just like him..and that, right there, that simple thought made me realize what was going on in my mind...

I fell in love...

and that right there, scared the living shit out of me....

why? Im guessing it was just cause I dont wanna get hurt, falling in love leaves you there, on the spot, totally unprotected; and the possibility of getting hurt was a lot higher this time cause of how things have been going on. things were not handle the right way, doing things really fast at the beggining, trying to slow down later on, each one thinking things on their own corners but not sharing any of that.
this person has helped me so much, he made me improve in each and every aspect of my life, and I cant thank that enough. and as I recognize him as the mature rational half, I thought that what he wants must be the best thing to do. so we are going back to basics. I know I might fail from time to time, but trust me Im doing the best I cant. I just cant afford to loose someone so important in my life, you still have a lot of things to teach me.

as a first payment, I left the url available, you can thank me later.

ps. ok I just saw it, dayum, that is so unfair taking an url to be left untouched since 2002. then. you´ll have to do all the teaching for free as it has been so far :P

day 2..the toughest one...just one more day to go

so here´s the thing,.,.

last semester, which btw was my first one, I killed myself studying, almost literally. I studied each and every day. I was tired, almost didnt see my kid, and the grades I got were not exactly what I expected as a pay off to all that hard work.
this semester I definitely have started it the wrong way...I basically just didnt care for the past 4 weeks and tried to get all that info in less than a week. I feel like with a constipated brain..so much info inside, trying to find a place to stay still, numbers and rules and formulas getting mixed up there, they just dont know how to file them selves; and totally unable to come out. master plan was to study as much as I could and to have a good night sleep on friday night, but the last thing I did was to sleep.
now Im at about 4 hours to the first exam, which I havent review anything for it.

we´ll see how this day goes. so far I have to say is doing good. Ill post the update as soon as I come back home.

I have the best kid ever, he woke up early in the morning as usual, trying as hard as he could not to make any sound whatsoever, and let me sleep till his tummy couldnt take it anymore...he goes and touches me and said "mommy its been a long while since you are here, there´s nobody out there and Im really really hungry" how was I not supposed to jump out of the bed to fix him some breakfast??, that was the sweetest way to wake me up. before he used to go hit the door till ill almost fell off its hinches and yell "MOOOOOOOOOOMMMM"

and let me tell you this, if he manages to keep the new way till he gets married, I can tell you .....he is sooooo getting "some" every night

*-*-

and Im updating till today cause last night I was just way too tired, but it went good, really good. Fisica exam was way way too long, but did it completly and hopefully wiht no mistakes. Math was even better, TEACHER ALLOWS PRINTED MATERIAL FOR IT! I didnt know but Im so printing everything for the next one.

to be add in the list of things to do before I get too old to do

..I so want to get drunk but really drunk..but drunk enough to be able to stand still and to find this funny....I want to punch someone in the face...but like a real punch, but with that other person consent, no one specific in mind...just to get the feeling of doing it...I have never even slap someone in the face...EVER!


...and Im wondering if this delusional post has been caused due all the caffeine intoxicating my veins .... just a thought -.-

warning: I havent had a good night sleep for almost a week so this post might just not make any sense , you might want to skip it till the next one

Be open and don't judge. People who have differing opinions aren't less than you.

"See if you can inspire others with your righteous energy -- it may be somewhat tougher than usual, but those who do get it should light up like Christmas trees! A few of you working together can make a difference."

ok, I dont like today's horoscope, it sounds really inspiring, thinking I could be able to light up people like Christmas trees but, I dont think Ill be able to when Im feeling so down myself. my leg is still hurting, pretty much Im guessing is the whole stress of the parciales and having so many things to study with not enough time to do it, also having so many issues understanding; I really need help on this. ...hhhhhhmmmmmuuuuufffffff (((((suspiro))))) anyway....

I received a note back from the kid's teacher, at this point Im totally disappointed and have no idea what to do. she keeps sending notes complaining about the kid not working, how he doesnt follow instructions, that he keeps on messing his classmates books, etc, etc, etc...

so obviously I feel bad cause I wish my kid would be one of those kids the teachers love and they cant stop saying how awesome they are, [Im not saying my kid is not awesome, the only thing is that blind lazy bitch is not able to see on to such sky-rocking awesomeness] so, as Ive been living hell on earth trying to get the kid meet her standard I decided I was not gonna be giving away my life and his life just to have her happy, I decided my kid needed a different approach and that eventually we were going to meet the level he is supposed to be, we are all different and he might not work the same way or speed as the other kids. so after the switch I can tell, everything has improved, the times I consider leaving him on the corner with the free sign hanging from his neck have been reduce in a significant rate, we are able to do homeworks in a very very acceptable way ( I mean, this is my point of view, Im sending him to school to learn so what if he doesnt do that O as a perfect circle, I can tell its an O, isnt she supposed to teach him on how to do it? if we all were born knowing there would not be a point on having teachers [so you better give a second thought on all that complaining you bitch who Im paying her paycheck]

now, as she is in that small room with all those little devils dress up in uniforms, she is able to tell the difference between his work and the other kids work, but I just wonder, are all those other 34 kids doing such a perfect job that my kid's work is so offensive to her sensible eyes? I wonder cause I have no one else to compare, so for me its very acceptable, but again, he is my kid, even if he gets to kill someone I will first high-five him for a job well done, I will worry later regarding the whole moral issue.

so, I sent her a note, I tried to hold myself together and try to show me as a worried mother willing to help her to tame this lil creature sent from the darkest corners of hell, but aparently it sounded like I cant understand how come she cant see the brilliance in my kid and that she totally sucks cause the kid hates school. and she replied....ouh that bitch dare to reply...

...and at this point I have to be honest I wish there was someone else, right now is one of those moments when I understand the reason why family has two parental units, cause when one of them gets tired, the other one comes to the rescue, cause when one wants to describe that bitch all the awful ways she might die if she doesnt motivate that kid, the other one will come to have a mature conversation with her or will scare the living hell out of her, cause when one is way too drunk to get up from bed, the other one will be able to handle the hangover to at least go and check up on the kid, cause when one has the need to keep changing channels there will be someone else to complain about it....and now this post went way too long and I totally lost it..

....im so sleepy, Im still waiting my caffeine pill :s

....update....no caffeine pill....but coffee is doing its job :D

weekend highlights

Your luck is about to change today -- and that could be a good thing or a bad thing.

"Your opinion isn't taken as seriously as you think it should be today, but that just means that you've got to roll with it and come back later when your boss -- or whoever -- is ready to hear the truth."

-and Im becoming addicted to this things,.,.[but to be honest, so far doesnt feel the change is gonna be for good :( ]

Im utterly tired right now, been sleeping an average of 3 hours since friday, my eyes are hurting, cant keep them open. I even fell asleep today, thanks to someones proactivity she woke me up and I was able to get the kid ready on time to go to school, if not Im guessing pretty much we will be both snoring in our bed still.

have parciales this coming weekend, fisica and mate, there's so much to read and exercises to do, as the plan is to have a good night sleep on friday Im trying to do as much as I can these days, Im mostly worried about the theory, cause I havent read shie but I think Im doing kinda good with the other part.

this weekend was an enlightening one, been feeling kinda frustrated regarding some things someone told me months ago and I just couldn't understand them at all, after a few beers apparently people gets in the mood of talking and it was really helpful, realized I was missing the meaning of what has been said and had forgotten all the things Ive gone through, now I get its just a timely manner, I walked that same road so long ago that I just couldnt see what was really going on.

also did some talking with the kid a few days ago; one of my biggest fears has always been, to hear him telling me someday he wants to go live at his grandparents house cause he has more fun there than living with me. pretty much my day with him goes sort like this, in the morning I just get him ready to go to school, fighting to get him out of bed, fighting to get him dress, fighting to get him to eat something and then he leaves, when I come back from work fighting to get him do homework, fighting to get him to have dinner, fighting to get him to sleep, so I feel Im the bad guy here, and when he gets to go to that other house, its all watching tv, eating snacks, doing nothing...so I asked him if he likes to go there and he said...mmm yes...do you like to go there and stay with him (his dad)...mmm..no, not really....do you like to be with me...YES! love you mommy and he closed his eyes and fell asleep, right there,.,that unhesitating answer told me everything is gonna be ok, that Im doing it right and that no matter how hard it looks, I still have my kid who loves me....and that is all what I need.

..and Im adding this song just cause my son likes it :D

future had never look so handsome :D !

today's quickie...

"You have solid footing in your life now and a good sense of where you want to go."

its been years since I dont check a horoscope, I used to do that when I was at college and had nothing else to do [ which translates to : had a lot of things to study but I had an urge to procrastinate them ] and last night I checked it again [ what a coincidence to be checking that stuff now that Im back in college...procrastination issues I guess ] I found it funny when I read it last night cause somehow describes what's going on in my mind.
the one from today deserved a double triple wow...cause that is how I feel. Im living that calm after the storm, that moment of peace after so many things that have been going on in my life; sad, bad, painful, hurting, upsetting things; but are exactly all those things that took me here, where Im standing right now. Ive learn how to deal with a lot of things that thought I was never gonna be able to, learning to let go, learning to be patient, learning the how and when to say things, learning that not everything has to do with me, and that somethings are just out of my control.
I feel happy and full of hope, I know more storms are coming my way, but I know something good will come along; future had never look so handsome :D

wow...

this is something I dont read..ever...for some reason I did it right now...had to post it...

"Every now and then, you need to get emotionally intense, experience a tender exchange of sentiments or just sit down and have a heart-to-heart with someone. This is definitely one of those times. You won't settle for anything that even remotely smacks of a surface encounter. You want depth, intensity and passion -- and if you don't get them, you'll take your toys and go home."

just let me know plz

after this weekend Iv been left really tired, have a lot of things to study from fisica and mate, doing so many exercises makes me sleepy, just wanna get home and get some rest.
sunday was really good, family is in good mood right now, spend the afternoon with my mom, had some coffee and did some talking, Im definitely learning to know what to say and how to say it, its kinda exhausting but I know its gonna pay off, hope that at some point it will just cme out right instead of consciously taking care of it.
life is being kind right now, thought things were gonna get really ugly but at the end everything is looking good.

Im trying not to give so much thought on some important things right now, I know some talks should be made but, the feeling of being the one pushing doesnt make me comfortable, definitely some mind reading would come handy but as unfortunately havent developed that skill I will have to wait or...Ill have to wait, dunno,.,too many things going on right now maybe is just not the time.

looking forward the day at the beach, working on vacation has to pay off someday...

:::Staind-so far away:::

This is my life
Its not what it was before
All these feelings Ive shared
And these are my dreams
That Id never lived before
Somebody shake me
Cause I, I must be sleeping

Now that we're here,
It's so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
All the mistakes,
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here its so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive and Im not ashamed to be the person that I am today

These are my words
That Ive never said before
I think Im doing ok
And this is the smile
That Ive never shown before

Somebody shake me
Cause I, I must be sleeping

I'm so afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Afraid of waking
Please don't shake me

baby D

I had so many things to say here, been writing the post in my mind over and over again, but now words are just not coming out, ideas I had so clear in my drunk mind had just go away to some lost space, guess they were saved in the couple of neuronas I burned last night after all that drinking and smoking.

and after deleting this paragraph like 10 times already Im just gonna say this...

WELCOME BABY D! I cant wait to meet you :D

talks with the kid III

mom: se siente brisa...creo q va a llover
kid: no, la noche es la que esta fresca, pero no va a llover
mom: porq?
kid: porq yo digo
mom: y como sabes?
kid: porq soy un dientologo
mom: meteorologo?
kid: nooooooo...dientologo
mom: cientifico queres decir?
kid: NO! dien-to-logooooooooooo
mom: y q es un dientologo?
kid: ya sabes....el que siente los movimientos de todo...de todas las cosas...entonces se que no va a llover...
mom: aaaaaaahhhh...ok

**UPDATE,.,I told this story to my dad, he thinks what the kid was trying to say was vientologo...which I gotta say it does make more sense than the dientologo one, but me da weba change it and I found it quite funny how I heard it so Im gonna leave it there :P

procastinating and taking it easy

at the beginning of this week I saw how much work I have pending and how many things I have to do during the weekend...first thing to do..check how many OTHER things I can do instead of the homeworks....procastination mode ON!

next thing in the list was to freak out thinking about all the homework, all the studying, classes, labs, etc that I have to do, but as of today, Im feeling better, Fisica homework is almost done, just missing a couple of exercises and to print it out. have a lot of reading to do for ortografia and TIC, damn...hate ortografia...eeeewwwww

anyway, stepping out a bit, seems there's nothing to freak out and it seems Ill be able to do everything on time. the kid has been doing good at school too, homework with him is not a hell anymore, as people say, once you touch bottom the only way you can go is up....so looks like after that freaky sunday we both reach bottom and now we are both going up..TOGETHER :D

as days go by Im feeling better, getting my mind at ease and learning to focus on the things that matter and the things I can actually control, everything else..well,., there's nothing that can be done and Im not hurting myself anymore cause of that, learning how to let go has been really hard, the toughest thing Ive had to do, but definitely is paying off

just need a hug

just came back from class, calculator was working fine during the whole class but apparently it decided to die right before we got the exam in hand-BITCH! the leg started to hurt thanks to those comfortable sits in the lab and guess the stress of not understanding a word that woman was saying.

around 10 mins ago just happened something I thought I had left behind more than 3 years ago. somehow I think Im missing on learning how to manage some type of people or some type of situations, Im definitely not proud of anything I said or how I reacted to it. getting in such a fight for such a dumb thing as a downloaded file definitely is really embarrassing and Ive been left thinking...

why do I have to go with the same reaction every time...standing at his same level...yelling and cursing just like he does will get me to something? by now I should already know I will never beat a man, NEVER, I should remember that really good, unfortunatly there are some things my mind just rathers to forget, cause they were really really bad? maybe, cause they hurted a lot? fuck yes...I always like to tell Sarita "do not play hard..play smart" I should follow my own advise, this dude will someday hit me...today was really close...I reallly thought he was going to...

one of the worst flashbacks I had while fighting was me yelling, screaming in hope of someone coming to help me...cause I was just there hanging as much as I could...3 years ago...no body ever came to help, not even once...today same thing...no body came out....THAT right there is loneliness...worst feeling ever...and as I type this Im thinking...would loneliness be the proper word...abandon?...maybe...just know right now my neck hurts like hell...Im still shaking and I want to cry, wish I could just go ahead and hug my kid but I cant, just need a hug..

enjoying calm after the storm

souh,., the whole kid's teacher thing was really annoying, I guess I was in denial thinking it was her being lazy not wanting to do extra work with my kid just cause all the other kids in the room are a bunch of pussies who have no will of their own.

anyway, I started to get worry when all of a sudden my son seemed to have a menopausal grumpy woman trapped inside, he was just not willing to do any homework at all, it didn't matter how much I threat with taking away his toys, leaving him with no tv for the rest of his life or just to leave him in the corner with a FREE sign hanging on his neck.

and I just collapsed...it didn't happen all of sudden, it was a slow process and very painful, I noticed when I started calling my friend crying cause I couldn't take it anymore, crying alone everytime I saw homework pending, and we reached bottom a week ago when I thought just on walking away and leave everything and got my mom upset with me, that day that I thought life couldnt get any worst...and I cried cause I thought I was not gonna make it.

I spent my time searching every article I could find regarding helping a 5 year old doing homework,., Im not gonna say I indeed applied the things that I found, but they gave me some reference on the things Ive been doing so wrong.
so, last week he missed some classes cause he was kinda sick and he went back on saturday, so he was around 3 days behind in all his work, I was about to pass out when I saw so many work pending. but we got it done by sunday morning...I was AMAZED...Im not gonna lie, was not easy, but it was what I think a normal level of unwillingness. yesterday I got home a lil bit late than usual, and he had a lot of work again, and it was just the most amazing experience ever, we made jokes, I had to be sitting next to him all the time, but we got almost everything done, and the work done was just perfect, we couldnt finish cause it was too late, there was a lot of work and he was about to start crying, he just wanted to sleep, I refused to push him anymore and we got to the agreement he would wake up earlier the next day to finish the work, he just said yes and fell asleep immediately.

two things about the whole experience got me really shock...first, the fact that he was working SO DAMN GOOD, Ive always known he can do a good job but that coloring....those numbers....it was just glowing in awesomeness....and when I told him how wonderful his work was he goes and says...mommy is just I dont want you to get upset with me, so that's why I work.
my heart broke at that point, had to hold myself together to not start crying right there, cant believe how much pressure Ive been putting in to those lil shoulders that the only thing that motivates him to work is not getting me upset.

that was hard, but I realize how setting up a real goal helped so much, I was not gonna keep on fighting to match the teacher's criteria, I understand my kid has his own speed of learning and his own way of doing things...so now Im not focusing on the side he chooses to start drawing the circle as long as he does it and get it done right.

sorry baby Im learning how to be a mom with you...I wish I knew how to do everything right from start...thanks for loving me so much.

I have a crush on you...

I was having the greatest time walking under the sun from one building to the other in the university when all of a sudden I see something looking a lot like this...

and after I realize I was there standing in the middle of the parking lot doing nothing but staring at this beauty I knew that the minute I decide to stop with the whole being mature thing I do count with a new object of my affection [don't you feel threat?...]

anyway..

had classes on saturday afternoon, was pretty annoying to be coughing the whole class, I thought I was gonna get kicked out of the room cause of all this H1N1 paranoia (Hell No :P), did a lil bit of studying, was nice cause it seems I do remember a lot of things, thought my brain was gonna have more issues, its been around 6 years since I don't do a math exercise...

on sunday afternoon the kid went out with my parents so I was left alone, I planned on doping my day away but then I made up my mind and just took some pics but the camera was not in a good mood and was not working again, then I just watched tv, a lot actually, mostly the History channel...now Im caught reading the "Dialogue concerning the two chief world systems" by Galileo Galilei...we'll see if I actually read it all...although I should be reading the awful amount of material I have pending from orthography :(...eeeeeeeeeewwwwww