2024 review

I always like to go back and read my posts. Sometimes it feels like I'm reading someone else's life, sometimes it makes me feel disappointed of myself, sometimes it makes me realize how far I have moved in life and sometimes it makes me realize what a complete noob I am.

Back in August I had decided to quit, went to get the letters needed and started the required process. I had decided to quit, go work with my dad for a few months and then look for a new job after 6 months and to move out of my parents house. I was SCARED AS HELL

and then I started getting so stressed.. doubting my decisions every single second of my day/night... My boss did zero retention attempt, she was like... yes, go ahead, I wish I could quit myself but I cant. Her boss gave me a call and it was the most weird ass 3 hours long call I have ever had.

bottom line.. I stayed... no raise, no changes... nothing.. I just back down out of fear of the unknown

I.AM.SUCH.A.FUCKING.COWARD

I have not moved out either

DUMB.BITCH

anyway, besides that being my biggest fail this year... what else has this noob done?

I have approved all my classes at college.. tho I am not studying at the same level as the first year I started

I enrolled in german classes, which I am not excelling at either

I try to take sun baths everyday

there, what a sad list of achievements

I used to keep a list of the different versions of me that had ended every year, I think this is the first time when the EOY version will be "loser"

A leap of faith

or it might just be one more in the long list of bad choices I have made in my life.

May the odds be ever in my favor and may the Lord have some mercy on me...

Loose Change

 I must admit, this situation has brought up some weird feelings.

She was never my friend, I didn't really liked her or disliked her... she had things that felt annoying but there were moments it was actually nice to hear her.

For unknown reasons they are not together anymore. They way I came up to know about the situation was through gossip, which leads me to believe he has been cheating.. I don't know and won't even bother to ask and confirm. I just see him, so chill... laughing, playing video games, coming and going... again, I know nothing about that relationship.. if I should feel good for him or bad for her...

I can't help to think about her when I see him. Maybe because I somehow see myself in her. I picture her nights alone with her kids, alone again. I don't even remember how many years did their relationship lasted; but it definitely lasted long enough for routines to be created. I picture her crying at night, hugging her kids to get her strength up. It is so... disturbing? complex? interesting? ....normal?! to see someone end a long relationship and just move on with his life.

I love him dearly, and I hope he is making the right decisions. I hope he didn't play with the heart of a single mom and two innocent kids. I send them all my love that I never gave them and all my best wishes... It pains my heart to imagine the sadness they might be going through... I must do an actual effort to picture them having a good time too. Laughing and playing games as a family without his dark clouds around them. I wish for them all the love they can give to each other. 

My son has brought me all the way here... I know and I'm sure your kids will take you as high and far away as their love can. You are doing a great job!

Weird times we are living in

 Life has been overwhelming for the past few months. So much that I got to the point to cry myself to sleep thinking I was gonna die that night. My body was feeling so weak, I was sure it would give up that night. I would cry out of fear and anger; fear of leaving my son alone in this world and angry at dying because of this job that was leaving me with nothing.

fast forward some nights later... I did not die... nor did I get a stroke...

After weeks and weeks of deep thinking and consideration I decided staying there was not worth it, my health had taken a big tole, my relationships were suffering, and Im not sure how bad I looked to the people around me, but my family was in fear of me either killing myself or just suffering a sudden death.

I communicated this to my boss, I notified I was applying to a new role and if I did not get it, I would be resigning by July. Their reaction was to offer me a promotion and to try to get me a higher salary....

which by now... I have not heard of again...

...

While I was going through all that, I randomly came across a tweet from a girl... sadly I did not saved it or liked it to go back to it; but she was telling how she gets congratulated for keeping a cold head when crisis come at work and she is able to find a solution while being calm and straight headed. She ends her tweet saying, her secret is not to give a fuck about what happens... words more words less... not giving a flying fuck, was the main message. I thought to myself: how do you do that? how do you not give a fuck about what happens around you? I have never, for once in my life been able to not give a fuck. I need to fix everything and everybody... and then, I communicated my intention to resign

and I started thinking... I'll be out of here in less than 2 months... someone in the team did not come to work... IDGAF, production wants this report and is the end of my shift... I'll send it tomorrow... there are 10+ emails that need to be replied.. I'll reply when I can....

If they dont like it... then they can fire me... if they dont fire me... I'll be out of here in 2 months.... 

And you know what.... My knee doesnt hurt... my legs do not get swollen anymore... Im not losing my hair... my arms do not hurt... my stomach is ok... and Im starting to eat a bit better....

But the truth inside all this.. Im scared.. Im scared to death. My country is going through dark times, and it looks like it is only getting darker... is it the best thing to do just to drop everything and say fuck it/? right now? should I wait?.... is this the smartest thing to do? is this the best time?

a lot of things to talk with my therapist tomorrow... I cant handle all this, life is just way too heavy right now...

Q1 2024 review

 We are already mid Q2, but who cares...

I was going through some of the previous post... I was feeling dead inside since 2021... it started with my heart and the cold crept through everywhere inside... until I have been left with no feeling at all.

On top of the numb feeling, feeling disconnected from everybody, completely drained... now my brain feels its refusing to work. As I said to my kid, I do not want to die, but I feel my body is giving up.

Work, work is unbearable. Everytime I see teams flashing or a new email arriving, its a full anger coming outside my fingers...

I

cant

stand

these

people

I dont care about anyone, I quitting

soon

just not yet

A carefree man...

I'm not someone to be asking around anything to anyone, but somehow, information just comes to me without me asking for it.

I was told about the apparent current situation of someone who has a special place in my memory. It broke my heart when I was described his current state.

In my head, every time I think about him, I picture him with his mischievous  side smile, driving around and listening to some beats, maybe holding the hand of a new girlfriend ... or maybe just getting together with his friends, drinking and eating over talking of future travels, past shenanigans and what not. 

When we parted ways, the core idea was for him to take care of himself to be his best version without the burden of a family to care... I was going to do the same on my own... what they described is nothing close to someone who has turned things around for the better.

I hope whatever it is they saw its not the real thing, I just want to forget that phone call and keep his image as my memory wants to..., a carefree man living his life to the fullest.

I can't believe this..

 ...someone, somewhere in this world has heard the same words I did a long time ago.

I thought this could have only happen to me...

a subject totally out of line..

 My country has been living the most uncertain time for the last few years. We had elections recently, and the level of fraud... and the way that was done...honestly, it is worth a netflix show years from now.

Why?

cause it is so neglectfully done, it is almost laughable. Do you know what the saddest part of all this is? I have been working my ass off for 18 years to make some money to offer my kid, so he can get the hell out of this place and he just does not give a flying fuck.

just like that, he only cares about playing video games

what did I do wrong?

Where did we go astray?

I do not know...and I hope he never has to regret his decisions, I hope I never feel the urge to say: "I FUCKING told you so"

I see my sister going through hard times, she might have avoided if she had listened to me. Yes, she has her wins.... but what would have been if she had listened to me?

Would she be reading the headlines from somewhere in Europe while she skies down a mountain, thinking... that damn bastard is taking my country down the drain?

but no, she is here, suffering... thinking, wondering,,, what's at stake for her own kid

what's at stake for mine?

I pray it will not be bad

I pray he will only wish he had taken different decisions, but he wont be living a hard time

I pray, he will just wish to have some luxuries but he wont be praying for freedom

I dont know what's coming..but oh lord.. I'm so scared...

I hate living in fear...

My vision of love

 Throughout my life, there is something that has been kept constant no matter who is by my side. My vision of love has not been accepted/understood by most people in my life. Not sure if I was not able to get my message through, or maybe I do not come across as understanding as this vision of love requires me to be. 

Anyway, 

I recently ended to watch a Kdrama (yes, another one) and it reminded me of my vision of love and how I have seen it reflected in movies and TV shows... 

It makes me think... someone out there, thinks exactly like I do...

Meet Joe Black, Quince vision of love: "True love is about knowing each other's darkest secrets.. there's nothing you don't know about each other, and that is ok"

Shall we dance? Beverly's vision of marriage: "your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it, your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness"

Good Will Hunting Sean's vision of love: "its the little things like that.. the little idiosyncrasies that only I know about, that's what made her my wife...she knew all my little peccadillos, people call these things imperfections, but they are not, that's the good stuff.. and then we get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds.."

and there are more.. so much more...

You miss people forever

 I'm gonna miss you forever, did you know that?

I will spend the rest of my life missing you

In big ways, in small ways, in medium ways, and always.. I'm gonna miss you

there are many things that last forever but missing people never ends

even people you shouldn't miss or don't want to miss or who don't deserve to be missed

that feeling will creep in like a robber on his tiptoes

he is in there and there's nothing you can do about it

and its a beautiful thing because I know I'll never forget to keep missing you

even when the spaces between remembering and forgetting get longer

but its awful, because you only have to miss someone when they are gone

sometimes I'll miss you and I will know that is what I'm doing

and sometimes it'll be just an emptiness or an ache that creeps in 

and takes me a moment to ponder what hurts and where its coming from

my body then clues into the difference between the pain of a cut on my hand 

and the grief of you being gone and then I'll remember, and I'll miss you then too

for all my days, not everyday but in little pieces until the end of time

I am going to miss you forever and I find so much peace and so much pain in that

all at once

IG: josiebalka

3 years now

It's 3 years today.

The feeling is different. I do not cry as before. 

But I still miss you...

...Everyday...

I still have the list I created with all the places we visited, all the food we ate, all the songs we dedicated each other or sang together...

I do not want to forget

I still see you everywhere, I had never realized how many people resemble you somehow. I keep wondering what would you say if I talked to you about the things I do now

would you make fun of me for crying over a Kdrama? no doubt you would've

What would you think of me enrolling in U again? I think you would have made fun of me but would have been secretly proud of me in the inside

In your own way you never allowed me to give up or feel sorry for myself

You made me stronger and smarter and prettier...

...and dead.. my heart is dead for 3 years and counting...

what does it feel to be a writer?

 Even before the pandemic, I started to keep distance from everyone around me. To the point where, once the pandemic arrived, it only felt like my regular day to day routine. At that point I was starting my "slight" addiction to Kdramas.

I have watched so many Kdramas at this point, which I do realize is no extraordinary achievement in the world of Kdramas. I actually think Im at the end of the rank when it comes to speed of watching and the number of Kdramas covered...

anyway... that was an important point necessary for this post.. the other point is...a long lost dream of mine is to write a book or a movie screenplay. I have always had that idea in my head, so.. 

I have recently watched a Kdrama called "The third charm" with Esom and Seo Kang-Joon (those light brown greenish eyes sweet lord * insert heart eyes here*). That show started good but it quickly made me feel so annoyed by the male lead, but as I am committed to what I start... I watched it through the end.

At some point between episode 10 or 12 it made me think.. why would a writer be so mean and make a character suffer so much!? The female lead had gone through so many hardships, and still, was able to have such a nice personality. Between all the pain she has bottled up inside, she was able to pull smiles and to understand where her loved ones were coming from. WHY in this earth would they make her go through more pain and have no sweet moments for her?! why everyone else around her would find love and success but she was made to only suffer and lose her pretty dreams?!

WHY!!!

I wonder what the writers had been going through to make this character suffer so much. I couldn't hold back the tears. I pained for her. 

If someday I finally write my book/screenplay, I hope I wont make anyone suffer that much .