bucket list

And just as it came ..it went..

I have finally checked an item on my bucket list. Once I got the green light from my travel buddy, the count down began. I felt like a little kid waiting for Christmas. 

We left for two days but damn..that was the best weekend I've had in a long long time.

The show was everything I had expected and even more. I got watery eyes when coming into the dome and when the show started...damn.. I couldn't help a few tears coming down. I was there...in Guatemala..watching Cirque du Soleil...

you are the Jaime to my Brianne

Today's GoT episode totally fucked me up...

It touched a thread I had manage to keep idle for a while now. I knew I wasn't over it but it was there, you know.. just slowly fading... but today.. it was like seing myself on that screen.

And if you have absolutely no idea what I am talking about.. let me briefly introduce you to today's main event... Jaime Lannister fucked Brianne of tarth.. the virgin Brianne of Tarth... she loved him.. she loved him so deeply.. and he might have loved her too. But instead, he decided to go back to his twisted fucked up sister.

and that is why I am feeling so fucked up...

Brianne loved him, loved him so much. She accepted him for who he was, she saw the real him underneath all the flaws he has. behind everything he had been and done, she loved him for real and brought the best of him,., but he, he believed... I dont know what he belives.. I don't know what is in his head...

I just know she loved him with all her heart..she loves him and accepts him for everything he is, but he decided to leave her to go back to a woman who only uses him ,., a woman who doesn't love him and only wants to keep him under her will,., a woman who has no respect for who he is and what he has endure to be where he is now...

just like the man I love decided to do... 

                                                                                you are the Jaime to my Brianne...

forgive and forget

And this post is supposed to be an excercise of forgiving, but before I start with that I have to say...

I just read that last post I submitted back in November and let me tell you, WHAT.A.DUMB.BITCH I was... me all romantic and as stupid as I can be. thinking he was smiling for real just when being with me.. and you know what he was doing while I was posting that bunch of horse-shit? FUCKING WITH HER! HA!

there`s your real smile that goes all the way to the eyes you stupid bitch! HOW did I NOT see that?

you know what? I knew it.. I saw it.. I just decided to ignore it... that much I know him, and that is why it didn't come as a surprise when I knew he was seeing her and even less when I saw his post all depressed, feeling shamed of himself cause he let her cheat on him AGAIN!

so..forgiving myself,., there`s where this is supposed to be going..

And I guess, that original idea will be postponed but, I want to forgive myself for making me lose such a long time waiting. 

waiting for someone who was not looking for me
waiting for someone who wants to be loved but not by me
waiting for someone who longs to feel wanted but not by me

I want to forgive myself for feeling less than a person when

someone felt it was better to go back with someone who cheated on him than being with me
someone decided I am not worth enough to work hard to get himself healthy
someone feels my love is not good enough to share it for the rest of his life

I want to forgive myself

for crying while typing this
for dedicating songs to someone who doesn't wanna hear them
for making plans with someone who doesn't wanna hear them
for wanting to fight for someone who doesn't even have the courage to tell me he is not interested
for not letting go

I have to let go.. I am letting go.. I forgive you...