forgive and forget

And this post is supposed to be an excercise of forgiving, but before I start with that I have to say...

I just read that last post I submitted back in November and let me tell you, WHAT.A.DUMB.BITCH I was... me all romantic and as stupid as I can be. thinking he was smiling for real just when being with me.. and you know what he was doing while I was posting that bunch of horse-shit? FUCKING WITH HER! HA!

there`s your real smile that goes all the way to the eyes you stupid bitch! HOW did I NOT see that?

you know what? I knew it.. I saw it.. I just decided to ignore it... that much I know him, and that is why it didn't come as a surprise when I knew he was seeing her and even less when I saw his post all depressed, feeling shamed of himself cause he let her cheat on him AGAIN!

so..forgiving myself,., there`s where this is supposed to be going..

And I guess, that original idea will be postponed but, I want to forgive myself for making me lose such a long time waiting. 

waiting for someone who was not looking for me
waiting for someone who wants to be loved but not by me
waiting for someone who longs to feel wanted but not by me

I want to forgive myself for feeling less than a person when

someone felt it was better to go back with someone who cheated on him than being with me
someone decided I am not worth enough to work hard to get himself healthy
someone feels my love is not good enough to share it for the rest of his life

I want to forgive myself

for crying while typing this
for dedicating songs to someone who doesn't wanna hear them
for making plans with someone who doesn't wanna hear them
for wanting to fight for someone who doesn't even have the courage to tell me he is not interested
for not letting go

I have to let go.. I am letting go.. I forgive you...