look who's growing up...

Have you investigated every avenue? There's an opportunity you're missing today.

It's the best time for you to get started on a creative project of some kind -- maybe a new artistic direction, or maybe a whirlwind of home improvement. Your good energy is directed outward.

~ (nothing to say -.-)

and truth is, I was feeling so damn angry,.,one of those angry moments that just makes me wanna cry. I manage to keep my shit together and choose to go to lunch to do some thinking. smoked my anger and came back. as my horoscope says...I have to do some searching, check my options...so Im just evaluating the situation, definitely Im not in a position to come with one of my usual reactions, got many bills to pay and a kid to send to school, time to bite my tongue, shut up and look for a way to get myself in a better situation. [ damn,., cant believe that came out of me, look who's growing up...]

kicked out

since we moved back to my dad´s house....that was like...over 3 years now, the kid has been sleeping with me, mostly due space issues, there´s absolutly no room to put another bed for him. so ever since then I havent been able to have a good night sleep, well, actually Im lynig on that one, ever since I GOT HIM I havent been able to get a good night sleep; what Ive been thinking about since then is How is it gonna be when I finally get him in his own bed? is he gonna cry for me? coming in the middle of hte night back to my bed or just yelling my name ?

and just today I was kicked out of my own bed.....

last night my mom decided was a good idea due my sickness of me not sharing the room with the kid so we will avoid him getting sick, which it made sense, so I put him to sleep and then my sis took my place, so up to there we were fine, next day it was around 8 am and he was still sleep, [ let me add this detail in case I have never mentioned this here before, he will always, let me rephrase that he will ALWAYS wake up at 6 am on saturdays] so, today before I put him to sleep he goes and say "you are not sleeping here, sarita is sleeping here with me" and then it hitted me, right in my liver....I got kicked out of my bed...out of my room...out of my kid`s sleep needs...

anyway...Im doing better now, the pills are definitely working, although there´s one that makes my whole body shake, so that is really annoying, I feel like an old person. I really hate that makes me feel so weak, but hopefuly that would end up soon :D

I was realizing something today, Ive been dying to smoke...friday night, I was feeling like if I was gonna die..right there...in the middle of my mom´s dining room trying to have some dinner...so then I thought, if I keep on smoking Ill die like this, trying to breath and just wont be able to never ever again like NUNCA JAMAS! so then I thought..Im not smoking ever again...

but Im so dying to do it right now...how sad is that....

having fun on 3D

as the kid has been confined to the house for the last 4 days I decided to take him out to the movies, so we went to see this movie, which was good, but the best part is, that the movie is on 3D, and watching my kid enjoying that was priceless. I watched more at my kid than the actual movie, there are some scenes that the 3D effects comes up really really cool, and watching him trying to reach things are jumping out of his seat cause he feels the ball is gonna hit him in hi face was hilarious ; at the beginning thought it was kinda expensive but, all that made it worth it definitely.

"live from Abbey road" has become a must-be-seen on saturday night, there´s where I get my artist of the week must of the times, last night I was hearing music from Colbie Caillat, really nice songs, as I understood she´s pretty much new; she has one album, " Coco" and she has really nice songs there, my fav ones are "Battle" and "realize"

I've been busy with the hw, but as I get so desperate, besides being homework productive I've been music productive too, been listening to Nadia Ali, guess I've heard her before but, not sure, I was trying to download some of her music but couldn't fine the versions I wanted, I found some acoustic versions that I loved how they sound, too bad couldn't download them, but I'm still fighting. also found music from Joshua Radin, very slow slow music, really good. "what if" , loved that one.

I better go finish my HW…

yesterday stats….

coffee….3

cigz……3

….and Ill hear some music :P

long post…not to be read

somehow people have got the idea I'm strong and smart and mature…have no idea how, I'm not strong, wish I could be, and definitely I haven't been smart enough to get myself out of bad situations I've gone trough…mature….guess my kid will have to raise me…that immature I am.

why am I talking about this? its just something that comes up to my mind every time I face things I don't know how to handle. and as the storm will never come alone, I'm getting everything at once, grandma is at the hospital doing very bad, hurts to see her in such a pain, my aunt is at the UCI, haven't been able to go to see her cause of the place she is, my other aunt is in bad conditions too, and my mom is so exhausted and feels so bad to see her like that, she has aged in just few months, and there´s no way Ill let her let me help.

have gone through some wrong roads lately, no regrets, but no happiness either. thought I had found what I've been looking for so long, but end up being the same thing than before, things being said the clearest as possible, I'm still in denial, hitting your face with the truth wall hurts, but it has to wake me up at last.

the vacations, that should be so long expected, are what I knew where going to be, a hell. just one more week to go, and hate to be here, but also hate the idea of going back to those customers. I need a change, but it gets me even more frustrated knowing that no matter what idea I can come up with to get all this out of my system, my hands and feet are tied, nowhere to go, nothing to do…hhhmmm…guess this last one is the reading proof of me just bitching around, hate to do homeworks, specially when I don't see the point of them, anyway.

going to class tomorrow and I hope I wont forget all the things I have to do, I have to take the pic for my titulo, have to get the titulo printed, have to take the titulo to el ministerio which I don't like to go, that people is so bored and rude, and then I have to take it to la Gavidia….and I have to do logica homework, which this time I'm planning to read before trying to do the homework, that´s what I've learned jajajaja.

-+—+-+-+-+-+

and reading this post back, damn so depresing and quejisto…..

I must start writting more fun and happy post from now on..if not I wont post…

but I will leave it here just as a reminder…

ouh I forgot

coffee [since wednesday] ….7

cigs [since wednesday]…9

happy Bday gordita

cigz...none...(so far) [update 4 hours later] :::3 cigz:::
coffee....2 ...update...still 2
today´s my sis bday...that lil girl pisses me off very often, and unfortunately she is so just like me, I would say she might be even a lil bit worst...I feel bad cause she is living things she should know by this time, she worries about some grown up stuff...she should be aware of but, I just hope that will help her to know how to handle things like that when her time comes. anyway....gordita...I know you hate me calling you like that but you know its cause I love you with all my heart and I just hope you´ll grow up to be so much better than me. luv you and hope you have a great bday :D
*-*-
so we got back from the bday celebration..I'm feeling so tired but have a wolf mask to finish, and as usual the customer is already sleep so I cant make sure it will fit ok, we´ll see that in a rush tomorrow.
went to see my grandma, my old lady is looking worst, I hate this cause, now, that it looks like the end is close..and if not I really hope it is cause I hate to see her that way, she used to be so full of life and joy...anyway...what I don't like its feeling this way, feeling that I hope everything will end up soon, don't like to see her so uncomfortable, don't like how it feels not knowing what to say, not knowing how to help, and if I just stay standing in that room I feel I'm just interfering, hope everything gets better soon.