just being me on a bad day 6.6

just checking if it can be done from here,., ~.~

bad end for the weekend, I had a totally different script in my mind, but guess that now doesnt matter anymore.

woke up with the annoying leg pain, wish there were things that would not stress me as they do.

leaving things for the last minute probed one more time its not the way to go, definitely need to go back to my studying habits I had last year, I'd always felt I worked hard every single day but at least was not feeling this tired rigt before exams, I was able to go out, drink and just relax after the exams...

anyway, just want this day to be over soon, feeling really down and the pain its not bringing anything good to the table.

lots of thoughts been bouncing inside my head this weekend, nothing new, just things that have been there for a long time now, and again, something happens that wakes them up. Wish they would be gone for good, best thing Ive been able to do is to just keep them shut, but sometimes it doesnt seem to work. Guess that Im just tired right now, tired of not knowing exactly what Im doing. Im bouncing between thinking Im getting myself being better or just pretending everything its ok. hopefully Ill find out soon.

just being me on a bad day 6.6

solo probando, como siempre haciendo cualquier cosa menos lo que deberia....

and I like how that sounds~

>>>>

You could be ready to start making some fresh starts and new beginnings in your personal life right now. You may find yourself having to adapt to a number of changing circumstances at this time. All your hard work could finally be paying off and you might start reaping rewards like never before.

You should be in a fairly confident and optimistic frame of mind, and you could find yourself the center of attention. You might be feeling the need to project yourself with a bit more forcefulness than usual right now. You’ll probably find yourself a little more wrapped up with your own issues rather than with the outside world today.

>>>>>>

~ and I definitely like how that sounds. ~.~

last friday I was talking with my sis and my dad, and while telling one of my many stories he made me realize on something, Im more relax, more happy where I am right now. I´ve noticed some changes in my lately, but havent realize exactly on what it was till my dad said it.

my main hope, as my horoscope said today is, that i would finally get the pay off of all the hard work ive been doing for such a long time. Im feeling pretty optimistic, only thing left...

the kid.... but, even that today was so good. watching my two baby boys laughing together, I love that, wish my memory didnt suck this much to be able to keep all those mental pics forever, watching my lil kid laughing just makes my heart feel happy

and even though I lost 4 hours of my life hearing this old man repeating himself over and over again, gotta thank my handsome for being there, pusito with his cold, guess he heard just 1/3 of all the stories I said...

2:15 am... Independence day in the tv, sweety on the phone, guess its time now to move to the bed and rest

:D

and ended up as a catharsis...

so, with the new job I can hardly come to add my thoughts here, Ill try to remember,.,mmm,., well last weekend was my birthday,., at first I thought on how celebrating birthdays should be banned, truth is that I love celebrating birthdays, there are few requirements for me to say I had a birthday to remember..., lets just say this one missed more than a few of them...

-.-

Im almost finishing my first week on the new account, got my first feedback today, and overall Im doing ok, and compared on the numbers of my first days I´m totally improving...really good. Im very excited, wanna keep the hope of finally getting what I need.

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issues with the kid are getting even worst, we will need to stop the karate and look for a tutor to come help him to improve, he is really behind on very basic things. Im pretty much disappointed, shame on me but gotta say, if I would have know this motherhood thing was gonna be so hard I would have never got into this.

and even though I know how much it hurts to hear ur mom saying "I wish I never had u in the first place", and even though u my kid might read this someday in the future I want to make this clear, I always always dreamed on having a son, and having such a handsome, smart, clever funny boy was just the most precious gift from heaven, along with all those amazing characteristics u have, you have also made sure to make this life the most difficult, not only for me, but for you too; I cant think on any circumstance where having a crazy bitch yelling at you would be of any interest, and that my lovely son, is what you have made of me. there´s no day where you dont do anything to assure you some type of punishment, and I cant believe you are not tired of that, cause believe me, I am beyond tired.
I never understood when hearing my dad saying, he could not give up on my brother, no matter how many times I would tell him just to forget about that lazy spoiled dude, and now, now sweet child of mine, now I understand, cause no matter how tired, frustrated, disappointed and upset I might feel I cant give up on you, Im more than scared, scared of me not having the necessary skills to get you walking on the right path, Im disappointed of me not having the strength enough to deal with your problems, Im upset of me not being able to find the right way to support you and help you understanding life.

and this is the reason why so many people come and say, you should smile more often, that´s why some people say "you look so sad". that is a sadness I carry within all the time, and will stay there till I feel Im doing the right thing for you.

I just hope from the bottom of my heart, that you understand that behind all that yelling, rules and timeouts, there´s this lady who understands you brought her back to life even though it feels like it was just to take it away little by little, a lady who is fighting each and everyday to find a way to do things better, a lady who cant wait to come back home to see your sweet smile, a lady who forgets all those heavy awful work issues just by hearing you say mamma!, but most important of all... a lady who loves you... as I never EVER thought I was gonna be able to love someone.

pre-something

ok,.,so.,.tomorrow´s my birthday and I had a full weekend of fun in my mind...didnt start that way, and Im actually tired as hell. as usual things are not going the way I wanted, and that is something that in my family just gets in our nerves. I cant stand things not going how I want them,., although this time, this time Im working my ass off to make an exception, dont want tomorrow to be a biter day.

for some reason today feels like a very hard, tough day, looks like I have to work hard to just get myself go through it. my horoscope says..,.,

"If you’re not careful, this could end up being one of the more difficult days that you’ll have to deal with. You’re likely to want to focus on your own personal needs and concerns. There are bound to be quite a few things going on in the outside world that will end up requiring plenty of your attention before the day is through. "

Im tired, just tired...28 shouldn't weight that much....

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and I didnt make it....

and I know so cause Im here stuck alone in my house, thinking on how can I get enough money to go get some beers and cigz., really thought this weekend was gonna be a blast, but no. anyway, planning to get some buzz and just forget which date is it. -.-

I've heard people say before..., we were born alone, we will die alone. most of the times that has been said by people who for some reason are single again, guess a lame excuse but.. the point of that rant is... let me make up my point again.. so, I've asked myself before.. why do we all seek for that significant other in our lives?
which is the reason... which is the point of having or being that person in someone else's lives?

so I[d like to think the main reason would be to make that other person happy, to move that other person to be the best they can be, to help that person get his/her dreams,., now, I ask myself, what are you supposed to do when you realize you are not making that person happy, when you are not enhancing that person's life by any mean; when that person´s life seems to be just a habit and a constant flow of events..one after the other...same thing day after day,., hhmmmm, I might be taking things for granted, I might be taking things the wrong way.

catching up

last week of training, and as time is passing by I keep thinking and thinking about how is it going to be.
Ive taken this change the best way I can. Deep inside I guess I was begging for this , so I should be ok with it, this is the fresh new start I needed. leaving behind the burden of 4 years of no accomplished metrics; somehow though, I feel this huge weight on my shoulders, weight Ive been putting on top of myself trying to accomplish now all the things I didnt do before either due laziness or stupidity... pressure to be an L2 in less than 2 months, pressure to get my college degree in 5 years, pressure to be a good mom, pressure to be the best person I can... it´s not that I feel its too much... I know I can do it.. but... how good will I do all of that at once? maybe Im just thinking way too much as usual.

so by now, just trying to get one day at a time, enjoy the few minutes of peace I can get with the kid, enjoy the time with the leading man, and just daydream with the idea that finally Ill get what I need and deserve after so much work.

birthday is coming, building new memories, bad things have been left behind, its good that now I can think about my birthday as a good thing not as a reminder of bad moments. just wish the time would stop and I could catch up with all the things I dreamed I would have had accomplished by this time, guess we will just have to wait, deadline was in 2 years.... 2 years...., cielos, so many things can happen in 2 years!

today I saw the most romantic sweet moment ever, everyday, there´s this lady selling roses right outside the door of the gym were my kid goes to his karate classes, so we were coming out after the class, the kid was walking right in front of my mom and I came right behind both of them, so the kid saw this white rose on the floor and immediately got down grabbed it and handled it to me, I had to tell him to give it back cause we thought the lady had drop it. but I gotta say that was so damn sweet of him, even though he didnt get to give it to me Ill remember that rose as the most beautiful rose ever ~.~