and ended up as a catharsis...

so, with the new job I can hardly come to add my thoughts here, Ill try to remember,.,mmm,., well last weekend was my birthday,., at first I thought on how celebrating birthdays should be banned, truth is that I love celebrating birthdays, there are few requirements for me to say I had a birthday to remember..., lets just say this one missed more than a few of them...

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Im almost finishing my first week on the new account, got my first feedback today, and overall Im doing ok, and compared on the numbers of my first days I´m totally improving...really good. Im very excited, wanna keep the hope of finally getting what I need.

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issues with the kid are getting even worst, we will need to stop the karate and look for a tutor to come help him to improve, he is really behind on very basic things. Im pretty much disappointed, shame on me but gotta say, if I would have know this motherhood thing was gonna be so hard I would have never got into this.

and even though I know how much it hurts to hear ur mom saying "I wish I never had u in the first place", and even though u my kid might read this someday in the future I want to make this clear, I always always dreamed on having a son, and having such a handsome, smart, clever funny boy was just the most precious gift from heaven, along with all those amazing characteristics u have, you have also made sure to make this life the most difficult, not only for me, but for you too; I cant think on any circumstance where having a crazy bitch yelling at you would be of any interest, and that my lovely son, is what you have made of me. there´s no day where you dont do anything to assure you some type of punishment, and I cant believe you are not tired of that, cause believe me, I am beyond tired.
I never understood when hearing my dad saying, he could not give up on my brother, no matter how many times I would tell him just to forget about that lazy spoiled dude, and now, now sweet child of mine, now I understand, cause no matter how tired, frustrated, disappointed and upset I might feel I cant give up on you, Im more than scared, scared of me not having the necessary skills to get you walking on the right path, Im disappointed of me not having the strength enough to deal with your problems, Im upset of me not being able to find the right way to support you and help you understanding life.

and this is the reason why so many people come and say, you should smile more often, that´s why some people say "you look so sad". that is a sadness I carry within all the time, and will stay there till I feel Im doing the right thing for you.

I just hope from the bottom of my heart, that you understand that behind all that yelling, rules and timeouts, there´s this lady who understands you brought her back to life even though it feels like it was just to take it away little by little, a lady who is fighting each and everyday to find a way to do things better, a lady who cant wait to come back home to see your sweet smile, a lady who forgets all those heavy awful work issues just by hearing you say mamma!, but most important of all... a lady who loves you... as I never EVER thought I was gonna be able to love someone.