Life has been overwhelming for the past few months. So much that I got to the point to cry myself to sleep thinking I was gonna die that night. My body was feeling so weak, I was sure it would give up that night. I would cry out of fear and anger; fear of leaving my son alone in this world and angry at dying because of this job that was leaving me with nothing.
fast forward some nights later... I did not die... nor did I get a stroke...
After weeks and weeks of deep thinking and consideration I decided staying there was not worth it, my health had taken a big tole, my relationships were suffering, and Im not sure how bad I looked to the people around me, but my family was in fear of me either killing myself or just suffering a sudden death.
I communicated this to my boss, I notified I was applying to a new role and if I did not get it, I would be resigning by July. Their reaction was to offer me a promotion and to try to get me a higher salary....
which by now... I have not heard of again...
...
While I was going through all that, I randomly came across a tweet from a girl... sadly I did not saved it or liked it to go back to it; but she was telling how she gets congratulated for keeping a cold head when crisis come at work and she is able to find a solution while being calm and straight headed. She ends her tweet saying, her secret is not to give a fuck about what happens... words more words less... not giving a flying fuck, was the main message. I thought to myself: how do you do that? how do you not give a fuck about what happens around you? I have never, for once in my life been able to not give a fuck. I need to fix everything and everybody... and then, I communicated my intention to resign
and I started thinking... I'll be out of here in less than 2 months... someone in the team did not come to work... IDGAF, production wants this report and is the end of my shift... I'll send it tomorrow... there are 10+ emails that need to be replied.. I'll reply when I can....
If they dont like it... then they can fire me... if they dont fire me... I'll be out of here in 2 months....
And you know what.... My knee doesnt hurt... my legs do not get swollen anymore... Im not losing my hair... my arms do not hurt... my stomach is ok... and Im starting to eat a bit better....
But the truth inside all this.. Im scared.. Im scared to death. My country is going through dark times, and it looks like it is only getting darker... is it the best thing to do just to drop everything and say fuck it/? right now? should I wait?.... is this the smartest thing to do? is this the best time?
a lot of things to talk with my therapist tomorrow... I cant handle all this, life is just way too heavy right now...
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