Farewell

Well... I would dare to say therapy is slowly (very slowly) starting to work. A lot of support has been received from some family units, which has helped immensely; yet, there is still a lot of work to be done.

Now, other stuff. I wish I could say I am improving, but that would be a straight lie. I wish I could say I am understanding, but that would also be a lie. I am tolerating, and I think that hardly leads to anything positive. At this point, I have think in so many different scenarios to try to make sense to what has been going on for the last two months. And truth is, all of them lead me to think I am the one to blame for keep on trying (insisting).

Why do I insist on chasing someone who has so clearly demonstrated wants nothing to do with my company? I wish I could find an answer to that. I really need it, but that cant come from me..and there`s none.

Therapist suggested a book; that at first I was hesitant to read. I forced myself to start and eventually couldn’t stop. Today, it has been a hard day. With some stuff hitting hard on my self-esteem. Finding this letter touched a chord inside, and I think… this is the type of stuff I should hold on to... until I find a sense to everything that is going on.

Dear Fredy:

This is the last email I write to you.

 I love writing to you, but your silence is very painful.

I know I write for the pleasure of writing, I know I need to do it, it makes me happy, it is good for me, and it connects me with myself. But I also need answers.

I know you read what I write, I visualize you opening your computer, waiting for my files, and I know you can’t write right now.

Writing its something that comes to us, it imposes on us, and we cannot force it. I have given a lot of thought on all these that I talk with my patients, about accepting the other´s rhythm. And that is why I patiently wait for your moment to come and connect with me again.

I often see in the couples I work with, the challenges they face due the different rhythms they use to deal with life. I know how important it is to accept the other`s rhythm.

I know men runaway when they feel pressured.

Women usually complain how men shut down at contact, without realizing it is an answer to the same pressure they are imposing on them. Men close themselves when they feel forced, when we don’t give them the time they need.

 I tell myself I should continue writing to you, because it is for my own pleasure.

 Like that subject about give and receive we talked about so many times.

The act of giving is a getting in itself; I receive the pleasure of you getting something good that I have to give you; I get the happiness of you listening and cherish what I give you. It makes no sense to give hoping for something outside the act itself of giving.

 But there comes a moment when I need your word, your silence hurts.

 That is why I have to tell you this is my last email.

We will find each other on a different journey, on another congress, in some other time…

With Love,

Laura