No wonder

Now I get it, no wonder he is a total player,

I'm coming back from getting my morning coffee,., I'm still half asleep, my brain refuses to start working. I'm standing there, staring blank at the elevator's door while it slowly takes me up to the fourth floor, when it suddenly stops.. And there he is..

Looking fresh, clean and incredibly handsome,., and then he looks at me, his eyes opened wide as if he just saw the most beautiful thing and then he smiles. I can barely say good morning, my knees are weak my brain is busy making sure I don't make myself look like a total fool...  And the elevator closes and continues its journey, but now I'm wide awake, feeling like the most beautiful girl in the world.

Out and about

Looking for underwear with a specifically man in mind, wondering if he would like it..

What level of loser does that make me?  :|

GoT

It never ceases to amaze me.. Saddens me thinking season's end is coming(so is winter)

Now is the time to start getting all those books..  One needs to get ready..

8 years ago...

The last time I remember feeling the way I'm feeling right now was around eight years ago.,.,
There are a few differences though,.,
Eight years was for someone who was totally worth it..
Eight years ago I was able to drink away this stupid feeling with a few beers and some cigz while staring at the stars on the backyard while cafe del mar would be on eternal shuffle in my ears..
How life changes..  For almost two years I thought I would never go through this again,., and here I am, daydreaming with something(one) that may/should never happen,.,

I better put myself back together..

Worst nightmare

The same nightmare hunts my mind every other night.
Different scenario, different reason,., but the outcome is always the same,.,  I lose you.

I wake up with tears in my eyes I'm not able to stop, horrible leg pain and desperate need to hold you in my arms forever and never let you go...

While I put my make up on, I see your reflection in the mirror, you are cracking your knuckles when you are supposed to be getting dressed,., and I can only wonder What goes inside that little mind of yours?

I love you.. That nightmare will hunt me forever till the day I die,.,

Why just tell me why!

I see life repeating the story all over again. It is frustrating and saddens me deeply; how can we be so blind and not realizing the common factor in all these failed relationships is ourselves?

Is it we are blind or we just choose to be?

I wish I had the courage to tell you all the things that are bouncing inside my head at this moment. Not knowing what the impact of my words would be frightens me; the burden of a life gone wrong its a responsability I am not ready to carry on my shoulders.

I can only hope you will be wiser than I was at your age.

There are a few things though that I know are still messing up my head, and I don't want you growing up with that image of you in your head...

First and foremost...you are no hoe...
Just because someone chooses to have sex doesnt automatically turns into a slut.
Please, do not dare to take my words as a sad excuse to give away yourself. Do not take me wrong. I do need you to understand the extend of the consequences of your acts.
Every time you choose to have sex, you have 50/50 chances of getting pregnant, the work and money it takes to raise a kid is something you are not ready for. Period.

What will turn you a hoe?
Having sex even if you don't want to, with people you don't even like, just for revenge or because you have nothing better to do.

You are a beautiful smart funny young girl, who has plenty of time to get to live and learn of this miserable journey we call life, you better make every moment worth it.

Second, sex is good; I wont lie, it is fucking great... if done with the right person. Forget about those sexy times as seen in movies and porn, it is not like that but its great.

Make sure the people you choose to spend those intimate moments are worth of your time, you are not a body to be used.

At your age I had a hard time understanding the difference between having sex and making love. In my non-existent experiencie I thought it was the same... trust me girl, it is not.

You are not more of a woman for having a longer list of men behind or for having the shortest one...

Your value comes from who you are as a person, how hard you work, the respect you give to others, the love you show for your family, the support you give to your friends, the weight of a promise you make... your value... whats in you... that is your worth... that is what makes you who you are and not the men you have fuck with....

Calm within chaos

Almost everything around me seems to be upside down, despite all the chaos around, it feels like its just a step to get me closer where I'm supposed to be.

Somehow, inside this total darkness I'm in, I have this feeling of a ray of light coming very soon.

In the meantime,., guess who is learning SQL?!

Are we gonna kick butts or what??!!