43 years on this earth.. such a weird feeling. I do not feel I look as old as I remember I saw people in their 40s when I was a kid... but definitely do not consider myself young when I see what I have accomplished. Because I have not accomplished NOTHING and I am THIS old....
There's one thing that definitely scares me... Im running out of time...
there are 2 things that are stuck in my head as a premonition dream I had at some point of my younger years...
first... I saw myself as a single mother of a boy. I saw myself standing holding his hand, standing at the street infront of my parents house...
that dream was back then in my teenage years when I didnt even dream of having a boyfriend, let alone having a kid..
and... here I am.. single mother of a handsome young man living with my parents...
second.. somewhere.. I cant put my finger when... this idea got stuck in my head, not really sure if it was a dream... but I was gonna live only up to 45.. which means... I only have 2 more years...
I cant leave my kid now... Im so scared..
scared of leaving him right now that he is barely starting to live.. there are so many things I still want to see him achieve.. I need to leave knowing he will be part of a loving family that will embrace him as one of their own.. where he will feel loved and cared by a wonderful woman and will have the support system of a loving family in law that will just see him as one of their own...
and it makes me feel angry and sad at the same time.... when my son looks back to the last years of my existence, was seeing his mother working her ass off day and night...
his last image of his mom will be her sitting at that damn PC working until late for some money that sometimes I feel he even hates...
Im such a bad mother... but Im scared of the future... Im scare of living him with nothing to start...
happy birthday to me... let's make these last 2 years count (but secretely God, can we make it last a little longer please)
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