...

Que triste cuando es tan obvio a quien le interesa saber de vos y a quien no...

Pero es todavia mas triste cuando uno es tan caradura de no querer aceptarlo.

Solamente....

April

well.. April has proved to be a serious bitch. Everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong.

I am emotionally exhausted at the moment. I wish things were different; and even though I know some things only take time, it is hard for me to settle with what is given...

anyway..

we are half way of this bitch of a month, and I am at a point where I just let days pass by in the hope all these crap will go away.

Only one good thing I can tell this month brings along.. the birthday of one dope girl.. and despite all the shit going on.. mah g`rl we will rock it!

the rest.. well, not much that can be said or done. Some are resting, some are barely starting the fight. Some... rather to go on to their battles alone... I better get that burn in my head.

I have laid my arms wide open, but they are not needed nor missed. And the arms I wish would hold me are never there for me.

It is time to focus on what we have and stop longing for what we wish but it is not for us to have.

Hello, My name is Karina....

...and I have a mental health problem...

This is something that hasn’t been easy to acknowledge. Yes, I have known for many years now that something was not right. Trying to live with it and take it under control without even understanding it, has been the main battle of my life... causing all aspects of my life to fall into pieces more often than not.

I am finally working on getting help, as expensive as it might be (and believe me it is FUCKING EXPENSIVE), but when I look back, I see it is worth it. Having a healthy and happy relationship with my kid it is worth every penny. I know it is not magic, but somehow I feel I will have more tools now to work with, and so far it is looking good. 

There’s still a very long way to go; barely a step has been made, but I feel confident. 

All this time, I have been able to keep things pretty much under control, but it would only last a few days, and then a bad episode would come. Now, I am looking forward for these episodes to show more rarely, and not only to hope people around me would understand, but to mainly try to understand them.

It is easy to connect and feel empathy with a loved one when you see them sick. You see their physical symptoms of any sickness…fever…a wound...spasms... rash… you name it, you can see it, and you know they are in pain. You feel for them, you try to comfort them and help them anyway you can. 

But how is it when the problem is inside? When is your mind the one that is not working ok?

Up until recently I have come to understand this. I don’t hold it against them. I understand how hard it must be to feel empathy towards someone that looks pretty much healthy. Trying to understand when someone is just hurting us, or making us feel annoyed, when we don’t see what is wrong and we can only see their actions and the hurtful things they say. Most of the time, whatever makes them lose it might seem like...nonsense. 

You have no idea how much of a nonsense we also think that is, but we just can’t control it! Sigh...

Anyway... Not holding grudges with anybody and focusing on understanding what is going on and how to get things to work.. Slowly getting into that path of better health...

Amos Lee - Flower

My heart is a flower

That blooms every hour

I believe in the power

Of love

Well in this lonesome meadow

Well it's soft as a pillow

Oh I pray that we'll go back

To love

I'm going to reach on up over that fear

And whenever I'm alone won't you please be near

I know that darkness before the dawn

Tomorrow's coming and yesterday's gone

I'm going to get my baby

Get up stream

Fall asleep in her arms

And drift away in a dream

Gonna go out walking in the morning light

Well I know that my tomorrow's gonna be alright

Gonna be alright

Well I never shall wither

Well of course I forgive her

Oh please Lord deliver me

To love

I'm going to reach on up over that fear

And whenever I'm alone won't you please be near

I know that darkness before the dawn

Tomorrow's coming and yesterday's gone

I'm going to get my baby

Get up stream

Fall asleep in her arms

And drift away in a dream

Gonna go out walking in the morning light

Well I know that my tomorrow's gonna be alright

Gonna be alright

Gonna be alright

Gonna be alright

Yeah

My heart is a flower

That blooms every hour

I believe in the power

I believe in the power

Of love, love, of love

Khalid - Saved

One, two, three, four



The hard part always seems to last forever
Sometimes I forget that we aren't together
Deep down in my heart, I hope you're doing alright
But from time to time I often think of why you aren't mine



But I'll keep your number saved
'Cause I hope one day you'll get the sense to call me
I'm hoping that you'll say
You're missing me the way I'm missing you
So I'll keep your number saved
'Cause I hope one day I'll get the pride to call you
To tell you that no one else
Is gonna hold you down the way that I do



Now, I can't say I'll be alright without you
And I can't say that I haven't tried to
But, all your stuff is gone
I erased all the pictures from my phone
Of me and you
Here's what I'll do



I'll keep your number saved
'Cause I hope one day you'll get the sense to call me
I'm hoping that you'll say
You're missing me the way I'm missing you
So I'll keep your number saved
'Cause I hope one day I'll get the pride to call you
To tell you that no one else
Is gonna hold you down the way that I do



I hope you think of all the times we shared
I hope you'll finally realize I was the only one who cared
It's crazy how this love thing seems unfair
You won't find a love like mine anywhere



But I'll keep your number saved
'Cause I hope one day you'll get the sense to call me
I'm hoping that you'll say
You're missing me the way I'm missing you (missing me the way I'm missing you)
So I'll keep your number saved
'Cause I hope one day I'll get the pride to call you
To tell you that no one else
Is gonna hold you down the way that I do
So I'll keep your number saved
'Cause I hope one day you'll get the sense to call me
I'm hoping that you'll say
You're missing me the way I'm missing you


I'll keep your number saved
'Cause I hope one day I'll get the pride to call you
To tell you that I'm finally over you
I'm finally over you
Finally over you
Finally over over
Finally over you

cig break #1

And I saw this today on a friend's Facebook and had to steal it. Some of his statements reflect exactly how I feel...

"To whoever loves me next, I’m sorry if I’m afraid of you  or if days of flirting turn to radio silence, without warning. I’m sorry if I make you say the words over and over and over until I believe them.  (I’m sorry if I don’t believe them.) I will probably spend more time  worrying about losing you than I spend  trying to keep you. Trouble is, every single time I’ve ever thought something was too good to be true–  I’ve been right. Understand, I will know how to be vulnerable with you, but I won’t know how not to regret it. And I have no idea how deep we’ll be  into this relationship before I admit I’ve never done this before. Not really.  Not in any way that counts. Before I admit that I know  how to put my body inside someone else’s but not how to make it beautiful. I probably won’t be easy to love.  Too many people loved me badly,  I’m not sure I know how to do it right..."

You are the reason

There goes my heart beating

'Cause you are the reason

I'm losing my sleep

Please come back now

There goes my mind racing

And you are the reason

That I'm still breathing

I'm hopeless now

I'd climb every mountain

And swim every ocean

Just to be with you

And fix what I've broken

Oh, 'cause I need you to see

That you are the reason

There goes my hand shaking

And you are the reason

My heart keeps bleeding

I need you now

If I could turn back the clock

I'd make sure the light defeated the dark

I'd spend every hour, of every day

Keeping you safe

And I'd climb every mountain

And swim every ocean

Just to be with you

And fix what I've broken

Oh, 'cause I need you to see

That you are the reason, oh

(I don't wanna fight no more)