my wishes...

and yet, I feel like Im not allowed to break into pieces.... yet

so many things going on right now, feeling betrayed, misunderstood, hopeless, lost, yes all that and more

weird thing since I knew I had let myself go with the study, I knew what was coming, Im not the type of person who will go beg the teacher for help to increase my grades, fuck it! I did not study I deserve that 4.5 I got, but I cant help feeling angry with myself. so now, Im working my ass off to get a good grade on the next test, period

all the other things... damn, i dont even know what to think about them. every time I was forced to change I used to feel it was for good, I felt ok with the idea that things were going to be fine and that the change that was coming was going to bring good things that at the moment I was not able to visualize. now, now that Im standing at the door of this new phase I can only feel scared. feels like I have my own Mrs. Eiffel writing the lines of my life. hate to have that feeling, but at this moment that´s how I feel, like Im letting myself go to the desires of this mistery Mrs Eiffel who is rejoicing on taking me wherever she wants and forces me to do whatever pleases her. the rest, guess Im too tired to deal with it, for sure this is not the week of the month where anything has to be said, a lot, actually tons of things that need to be analyzed and seen from every possible angle, but maybe Im just to scared, busy or not interested on doing it, real life has hit to hard right now, feeling like Im on my knees already dont need that last missing punch to get my teeth on the ground...

tonight I only have 3 wishes for the author of my life who ever you are..

please kill me in a very poetical and meaningful way

make sure my kid knows I love him with all my heart and that he is the best thing could have ever happened to me

and please please let me read the draft so I can stop worrying and just live my last days enjoying the most possible with my kid..

those are my wishes...

and march is gone...

hadn't realize how long its been since my last post...

3 months... wow, feels like December was just a few weeks ago, anyway...let me try to remember..

work, work is still the same, ugly calls, people who forgets to say thank you, people who forgets things are easy to be said but not to be done, ... nah... in a few words, work is still the same crap and cant wait for the day that I will be out of there.

the kid is really excited about school, he is learning to read, I admit it, Im definitely not helping him as I should, actually, Im not helping him at all. his new teacher was really understanding about his ADD and he was feeling really proud of his improvement... bad news is that she left, who knows why, so we have to start all over again, good thing it looks like he is not doing so bad.

school is doing really good, well, just good I would say. its been really busy, a lot of work, but cant deny I feel really good with the challenge, love my teachers, not all of them, but definitely I admire the skill two of them have to transmit his ideas so clear, I wish I could be half of smart they are.

family is doing good, still after a year trying to get along with each other but, we are improving and that is the important part...

lets see what is coming now

rip 2010

y se acabo el año,..,

(and what a way to end it, burping, peeing and nausea.... worst part is alcohol is not even near involved,., somebody is getting old or freaking sick)

y en lugar de ponerme a dormir me puse a revisar el facebook, leer todos los status empeoro la depresion en la que estoy, todos dando gracias por lo que les dejo el año viejo y esperando el nuevo,., yo estoy demasiado cansada ahorita, y la depresion esta dando con todo ahorita, tenia bastante de no sentirme asi, pero ahora me pego fuerte.

quisiera poder dar gracias por algo, pero estoy demasiado deprimida ahorita, se que hay cosas buenas, pero esa sera para otro post, para uno en el que todo lo vea bonito, ahorita todo se ve gris, y oscuro, bien a lo pelicula de Tim Burton.

solo se que este año es como el pasado, el lunes regreso al mismo trabajo de siempre, las cuentas siguen alli y hay que arreglar todo para que el kid vaya a estudiar, nada a cambiado, solo hay que cambiar la fecha.

y la verdad es que mejor escribo cuando ya no ande pmsing como ahorita, muy feo se ve esto

....,

thanks handsome for being here, for being you, for caring, for supporting, for showing, for working your ass off to make things better, it might not show, but hell it works, and hell I needed all that you did and said, I love you, thanks for giving me such a beautiful year, definitely the best memories I have from 2010 are by your side, and I know 2011 is bringing 12 more months to share and enjoy, God bless you handsome and never forget we love you with all our heart, thanks again for loving us so much

and we start again,.,

and as it always get to me every once in a while, going through some old shit I shouldn´t be touching never again, not of my concern anyway I guess, it only makes me get weird ideas in my mind.
I should just fall asleep or at least think about more important things like my dad´s birthday instead of old garbage stuff people doesnt throw away or new stuff that doesnt seem to mean enough to get noticed...

just kinda venting I guess,.,

horoscope...

~my horoscope...

If things seem to have fallen into a bad pattern with your family lately, just realize that the best way to change things is to let go of the past and quit reacting so emotionally. If you can just manage to do this, then your whole attitude should start improving and you ought to start feeling a lot happier with things around the house once again.

There's no reason to let old habits take over. And if you can just try to work on developing some new ways of dealing with any difficult family issues, things really ought to start seeming a lot more positive and hopeful on the home front before long. Mantra: Self-Expression.

hay septiembre.. andate ya :´(

y no se que me hizo pensar que septiembre realmente iba a ser un buen mes, me deje llevar como siempre y desde el primer dia lo declare el mejor mes del año. Lo que nunca me imagine fue que tan malo podia llegar a ser.

a estas alturas del año, me siento cansada. Creo que ya son muchas cosas apilandose una sobre otra. cambio de casa, cambio de cuenta en el trabajo, la universidad, el niño....

quiero hacer tantas cosas, quiero hacerlas lo mejor que puedo, pero pareciera que muchas cosas quedan pendientes o estan medio hechas. quisiera que la gente alrededor mio se sintieran bien, quisiera sacar lo mejor de esas personas, pero pareciera que desde que estan conmigo a sido su peor momento. eso me decepciona y hace que esa presion que siento en mi espalda aumente cada dia mas.

lo unico que puedo pensar es que este mes al fin se va a acabar, ya casi comienza octubre y solo deseo que este sea uno bueno, o que al menos no sea tan malo .... con eso me conformo :(

september morning...

not sure why, last night I was thinking, september its my favorite month of the year.
it might be its birthday-less personality, but something just makes me feel it will be a good one. no better proof but my day at work today.

good opportunities seem to be coming up, although the time is not the best one, even those look-like-lost opportunities have left the feeling of bringing something good.

and it might be just me, but feeling so inspired and full of hope and look-at-the-bright-side mentality (even in these awful crimson days!!) says a lot, just hope I'm not jinxing the whole thing.

yes yes I know we are barely starting the month but...


its fear to dream.,.,.