it`s hard not to feel scared...

when your head has been hurting not stop for the last 7 days and the pain crawls to the left side of your face.

I know they say I should not voice out my fears, damn you law of attraction! I wonder why when I talk about the nice things I wish would happen in my life, I never seem to attract them... anyway,.,

left side of my face hurts... pain is becoming worst.. cant even cry it out ,.,

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few things happened/did not happened that night that kept me off my keyboard, but let me share the night of hell that night was...

so, yes... had this annoying pain in the lower back of my head, pain had been there non-stop for over a week and it had turned awfly annoying. The day before the pain had crawled to the left side of my face and on thursday... oh boy thursday... there`s no other way to say it...

On thursday I thought I was getting a stroke. Attempting to describe the level of fear and how scared I was feeling at that moment it would just not make it. My face was burning, it hurted.. it felt like it was slowly turning to stone and was not being able to move it anymore... crying was just making the pain even worst, and let`s not start talking about trying to sleep.. I just could not lay on my left side. The touch of the pillow on my face was as painful as a thousand hot needles..

honestly I did not think I was going to die, but I was sure the stroke Ive been scared of my whole life had finally showed up.. not that I am waiting for it patiently.. he can take his sweet time.

update... no, it was not a stroke. Looks like its just me not dealing with stress in an appropriate manner. As usual.

I wont dare to name this event as a wake up call, but it did made me realize on some matters I have not been dealing with properly. I am in a huge need of a reality check, people made sure to make me realize it that night (yes, thank you for the wake up bitch-slap, cause that`s how it felt)

now, its a matter of getting the treatment done..

Reasons - Khalid

Lucid dream. In reality
I'm just tryna feel your gravity
Always fallin in love, and I'm tired of the cycle
We don't even need a title
You're always on my mind
It's funny how I'm thinking about you all the damn time
You don't got to be mine, just be mine for the night
I don't know what this is but it feels just right
I wanna make a move
Let me know if that sounds cool
All the things I'd do
All the things I'd do for you

There's millions of reasons to love you
There's millions of reasons
You give me a reason to want you
You give me a reason

the hell we live in..

I havent met someone that would understand you better than I do on this,.,

we both live in the same hell,., we both got there through different paths and we are both chosing to live there in different ways. Though I refuse to be swallowed by its darkness, you are letting it embrace you and grow its roots deep down in your soul.

I know your pain, cause Ive felt it too.,. I know that dispair and loneliness,., I know that feeling of hopelessness.,. I know it very well, because I have also been there... stretching my hand to be taken out of that deep dark place only to find a hard look over the shoulder.

it is not easy to deal with this, when you are out of your body watching yourself causing all this pain. when you not only have to fight with the day-to-day hardship, you also have to fight all the demons whispering in your ear,., I know it is hard to fight them... cause I hear them too..

I wont tell you just to control it.. I wont tell you just to cool down and smile and let it go,., if leaving hell was that easy I would have done it too

I see your eyes and it scares me.. sometimes it feels you are giving up. I cant take your hand and lead you out of this place. we are both lost in it and looking for the exit,., yet.. I refuse to call this hell home.

I can only say that I love you, from my own dark hell. I see you and I hear you. Although you refuse to hear me. I can only pray one day, deep within your soul, you hear the sad song of my love.

happy? new year

there are some words that do not make it out of draft...specially when received with a template-like message.. I have allowed once again to some things to get to me.. for once, that`s for sure.

should we judge the past year on one day.. should we judge the new year on one minute... friends who have come back and friends who decided to step away. we are all free to make decisions, based on what we feel is the best thing for ourselves.,.,

and like that, as someone said, heartbreaks come out of expectations. That`s my lesson from last year. Expect nothing from anybody,., name them how you want.

2017 in one word

reck·less

ˈrekləs/

adjective

1. (of a person or their actions) without thinking or caring about the consequences of an action.

   "reckless driving"

   synonyms:

   rash, careless, thoughtless, heedless, unheeding, hasty, overhasty, precipitate, precipitous, impetuous, impulsive, daredevil, devil-may-care;  irresponsible, foolhardy, audacious, overadventurous;  ill-advised, injudicious, madcap, imprudent, unwise, ill-considered;  informalkamikaze;  literarytemerarious

I`ve got a hundred million reasons to walk away.. but baby, I just need one good one to stay...

Labrinth - Jealous

I'm jealous of the rain
That falls upon your skin
It's closer than my hands have been
I'm jealous of the rain
I'm jealous of the wind
That ripples through your clothes
It's closer than your shadow
Oh, I'm jealous of the wind
'Cause I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me
I'm jealous of the nights
That I don't spend with you
I'm wondering who you lay next to
Oh, I'm jealous of the nights
I'm jealous of the love
Love that was in here
Gone for someone else to share
Oh, I'm jealous of the love
'Cause I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me
As I sink in the sand
Watch you slip through my hands
Oh, as I die here another day, yeah
'Cause all I do is cry behind this smile
I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me
I-I-It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me