I tried posting some sort of summary of what this pandemic has been for me. I see two failed attempts sitting there in my draft. My memory sucks.. but I wont give up on those draft, someday they will see the light of day.
In the meantime, there are some important things I do wish to have here, just keep track. I like that exercise of going back and read how miserable or how happy I felt at some point in my life, just as a reminder that; whatever it is Im going through... it should also pass...
Lockdown due COVID, ironically, brought really good things for me. I wont say good things that happened to me were directly caused by covid, but sort of..
1. Lockdown forced my kid to have online classes and for me to be working from home. The rest of the family had to continue with their regular activities outside of the house. Pretty much we had the house for ourselves. This is the second time in our lives that we get the opportunity to prove that spending a lot more time together, it improves our relationship exponentially.
fighting, yelling, name calling and who knows how many other ugly things that used to happen, are now pretty much in the past.
I have to thank lockdown for that...
2.with my new WAH status and the kid in online classes, I have been able to save a lot of money. Enough to finally be able to have my debts pretty much under control, and for the first time in my life I am actually able to set a plan for future plans. Having a purpose and a long term plan to look forward to, is a total new experience for me.. and I love it..
3.after 15 years, I finally got the promotion I had been working so hard for. It is killing me, I'm 3 months into it and I still cry some nights. Some days I wish they would fire me, I feel I cant do this. Then some days come and everything works smooth.. and I feel powerful again... so many ups and downs, working 12 to 14 hours a day... 7 days a week,,, having my family complaining of me working too much... it is hard. This new position plus the money I'm saving, is what I need to finally be able to make my dreams come true. So I better find a way to make all this finally work. It is killing me.. but I will rock this.. someday...
4. thanks to all the savings and all the idle hours I had (before I got the promotion) I decided to start learning something. I needed to do something with my life. I started French classes and a 6 sigma certification. Right when I decided to get my idle ass to work, I got the promotion. Now my days are so full, I don't even have time to complete everything I had set myself to do. This feeling of having something to do, having to organize myself and allocate time to someone else, I'm exhausted, full of gray hair. But is really satisfying to be busy with something that will make me feel very proud in the end
so yes... all that is the positive this weird year in humanity has left me...
there`s also negative...
my damn ego made me pay a high bill.
I lost someone to COVID, someone who was very important to me. Somehow, we stayed away from each other. For a year, we didn't talk to each other. I know he checked on me, and I hope he knew I checked on him.. constantly...like every day
But I never made the move to contact him back. When I finally got the promotion, I was dying to let him know about it. I wanted to share this with him so bad. But I felt so weird being me reaching out, after over a year, just sharing this... I wanted him to be surprised about it. At work, they usually sent an email to the whole organization letting them know about the promotions. I was waiting for him to see the notification of mine and see if he would reach out congratulating me
I wanted him to be proud of me so bad.. and the email never came...
an email that never came.. and then he was gone..
I was never able to reach out to share my good news, to tell him how much I missed him, how much I needed him...how happy I was to see his pictures looking so happy and fine. He was rebuilding his life, and he was at the happiest I had ever seen him.
I miss him, every single day. When I'm having a hard time at work I wish I could reach out to tell him all about it, I wish I could reach out asking for advise as he used to give them to me before
I wish I could share this good news and get to celebrate with him
I wish I could reach out every time I have a hard time with excel and have him fix them for me...
now I have to do everything on my own.. I have not been able to celebrate this achievement
it lost all value and all excitement
and I'm angry at him.. why did he leave me? why didn't he took care of himself? could I have done something?
so many questions that will keep echoing inside my head who knows for how long.. until I forget everything about him maybe.. if it ever happens
Covid gave me some of the best things I had ever hoped for, but it also took away one of the best friends I`ve had in my life. I learned so much, and there was still so much I needed to learn.. but now it is too late
he is long gone.. and I'm still here...
It is just some days, his absence weights way too much to bear it
