it`s all fading away...

 recently I saw you again...in a dream,.,

I saw you walking away, but immediately recognized you.. your hair.. your bright green polo shirt...  your broad shoulders... I did not try to call you or stop you; I just stood there, watching you walk away. In my dream.. I knew I was dreaming, and I knew that was my only chance to get to see you again.

When I woke up I realized so many of your features are now fading away from my memory. The sound of your voice, of your laughter, your smell. It´s weird how those memories are so hard to bring back, but I can still remember how our first kiss felt, the warmth of your body when you used to hug me from behind, the coolness of your sweat drops falling on my face, the weight of your hand on my hip when we were in bed...

I miss you. Some days more than others. The busier I try to be the most I miss you. I cant keep myself from thinking.. what if? would things have been different if I was there? we will never know..

Is this widow-like feeling ever going away?

I wonder...

..,will I ever stop feeling like a widow?

                                                   .., I miss you.

Dreams or messages

Recently I read a random post saying if you remember your dream, then it was not a dream but a message.

You came to my dream last night, it`s been a while I haven't see you. 

In my head I still have the image of your face smiling, I can recall the texture of your skin and even how all these thoughts were jumping in my mind while watching you there.

You looked so comfortable there, just taking care of everything and being your cool self as you always were. I kept on thinking.. why is he here,., with me? how did this happened that we are at this point, again?

I can still remember how my body was responding to having you. there, knowing I could touch you

Even though it was so random we were there together, it felt right. It made me feel like everything had finally become the way they were supposed to be. 

I wonder what`s the message behind this dream I refuse to let go,.,

I wonder if I have ever been in somebody`s dreams...

If I could give up..

 This is heavy, I wish I could drop everything and just give up. 

Sunday nights, I cry...

Every night, I cant sleep...

Every morning, getting out of bed it`s getting harder and harder..

I cant remember ever feeling so miserable,., we need to find something to look forward to

If not,., I`ll die

                                                                                                       dropping is not an option..

Something in the rain

 There`s something in the rain,., it holds a special place in my heart. what is it with rain and us?

When it rains.. I think of the first time I liked a boy and the first time I realized I was falling in love with my best friend,., rain makes me feel.. clean... it gives me a fresh start every time. I had missed the rain,.,

A suggestion from Netflix got my attention recently, and started watching this show ( I thought it was a movie though) and as usual, couldn`t stop watching until I was done with all 16 episodes

Ever since I came back home, years years ago, I had not allowed myself to watch romantic stuff. I would only allow myself to watch Sex and the city, the movie and only when I was feeling seriously depressed. For some time now, I have felt a lot stronger and started  rewatching some old movies and shows, but I would focus on some other story lines rather than immersing myself on the romantic side; but this show.. damn, it took me full circle.. craving to go through that process of falling in love all over again, as well as reliving the excruciating pain of  a break up.

Great writing, acting and casting.. A kdrama lover might have been born

Covid

I tried posting some sort of summary of what this pandemic has been for me. I see two failed attempts sitting there in my draft. My memory sucks.. but I wont give up on those draft, someday they will see the light of day.

In the meantime, there are some important things I do wish to have here, just keep track. I like that exercise of going back and read how miserable or how happy I felt at some point in my life, just as a reminder that; whatever it is Im going through... it should also pass...

Lockdown due COVID, ironically, brought really good things for me. I wont say good things that happened to me were directly caused by covid, but sort of..

1. Lockdown forced my kid to have online classes and for me to be working from home. The rest of the family had to continue with their regular activities outside of the house. Pretty much we had the house for ourselves. This is the second time in our lives that we get the opportunity to prove that spending a lot more time together, it improves our relationship exponentially.

fighting, yelling, name calling and who knows how many other ugly things that used to happen, are now pretty much in the past. 

I have to thank lockdown for that...

2.with my new WAH status and the kid in online classes, I have been able to save a lot of money. Enough to finally be able to have my debts pretty much under control, and for the first time in my life I am actually able to set a plan for future plans. Having a purpose and a long term plan to look forward to, is a total new experience for me.. and I love it..

3.after 15 years, I finally got the promotion I had been working so hard for. It is killing me, I'm 3 months into it and I still cry some nights. Some days I wish they would fire me, I feel I cant do this. Then some days come and everything works smooth.. and I feel powerful again... so many ups and downs, working 12 to 14 hours  a day... 7 days a week,,, having my family complaining of me working too much... it is hard. This new position plus the money I'm saving, is what I need to finally be able to make my dreams come true. So I better find a way to make all this finally work. It is killing me.. but I will rock this.. someday...

4. thanks to all the savings and all the idle hours I had (before I got the promotion) I decided to start learning something. I needed to do something with my life. I started French classes and a 6 sigma certification. Right when I decided to get my idle ass to work, I got the promotion. Now my days are so full, I don't even have time to complete everything I had set myself to do. This feeling of having something to do, having to organize myself and allocate time to someone else, I'm exhausted, full of gray hair. But is really satisfying to be busy with something that will make me feel very proud in the end

so yes... all that is the positive this weird year in humanity has left me...

there`s also negative...

my damn ego made me pay a high bill. 

I lost someone to COVID, someone who was very important to me. Somehow, we stayed away from each other. For a year, we didn't talk to each other. I know he checked on me, and I hope he knew I checked on him.. constantly...like every day

But I never made the move to contact him back. When I finally got the promotion, I was dying to let him know about it. I wanted to share this with him so bad. But I felt so weird being me reaching out, after over a year, just sharing this... I wanted him to be surprised about it. At work, they usually sent an email to the whole organization letting them know about the promotions. I was waiting for him to see the notification of mine and see if he would reach out congratulating me

I wanted him to be proud of me so bad.. and the email never came...

an email that never came.. and then he was gone..

I was never able to reach out to share my good news, to tell him how much I missed him, how much I needed him...how happy I was to see his pictures looking so happy and fine. He was rebuilding his life, and he was at the happiest I had ever seen him.

I miss him, every single day. When I'm having a hard time at work I wish I could reach out to tell him all about it, I wish I could reach out asking for advise as he used to give them to me before

I wish I could share this good news and get to celebrate with him

I wish I could reach out every time I have a hard time with excel and have him fix them for me...

now I have to do everything on my own.. I have not been able to celebrate this achievement

it lost all value and all excitement

and I'm angry at him.. why did he leave me? why didn't he took care of himself? could I have done something? 

so many questions that will keep echoing inside my head who knows for how long.. until I forget everything about him maybe.. if it ever happens

Covid gave me some of the best things I had ever hoped for, but it also took away one of the best friends I`ve had in my life. I learned so much, and there was still so much I needed to learn.. but now it is too late

he is long gone.. and I'm still here... 

It is just some days, his absence weights way too much to bear it

Covid-19

I can't believe I have failed myself so miserably, by not documenting such an extraordinary time in human history as this damn pandemic has been.

Shame on me...