a subject totally out of line..

 My country has been living the most uncertain time for the last few years. We had elections recently, and the level of fraud... and the way that was done...honestly, it is worth a netflix show years from now.

Why?

cause it is so neglectfully done, it is almost laughable. Do you know what the saddest part of all this is? I have been working my ass off for 18 years to make some money to offer my kid, so he can get the hell out of this place and he just does not give a flying fuck.

just like that, he only cares about playing video games

what did I do wrong?

Where did we go astray?

I do not know...and I hope he never has to regret his decisions, I hope I never feel the urge to say: "I FUCKING told you so"

I see my sister going through hard times, she might have avoided if she had listened to me. Yes, she has her wins.... but what would have been if she had listened to me?

Would she be reading the headlines from somewhere in Europe while she skies down a mountain, thinking... that damn bastard is taking my country down the drain?

but no, she is here, suffering... thinking, wondering,,, what's at stake for her own kid

what's at stake for mine?

I pray it will not be bad

I pray he will only wish he had taken different decisions, but he wont be living a hard time

I pray, he will just wish to have some luxuries but he wont be praying for freedom

I dont know what's coming..but oh lord.. I'm so scared...

I hate living in fear...

My vision of love

 Throughout my life, there is something that has been kept constant no matter who is by my side. My vision of love has not been accepted/understood by most people in my life. Not sure if I was not able to get my message through, or maybe I do not come across as understanding as this vision of love requires me to be. 

Anyway, 

I recently ended to watch a Kdrama (yes, another one) and it reminded me of my vision of love and how I have seen it reflected in movies and TV shows... 

It makes me think... someone out there, thinks exactly like I do...

Meet Joe Black, Quince vision of love: "True love is about knowing each other's darkest secrets.. there's nothing you don't know about each other, and that is ok"

Shall we dance? Beverly's vision of marriage: "your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it, your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness"

Good Will Hunting Sean's vision of love: "its the little things like that.. the little idiosyncrasies that only I know about, that's what made her my wife...she knew all my little peccadillos, people call these things imperfections, but they are not, that's the good stuff.. and then we get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds.."

and there are more.. so much more...

You miss people forever

 I'm gonna miss you forever, did you know that?

I will spend the rest of my life missing you

In big ways, in small ways, in medium ways, and always.. I'm gonna miss you

there are many things that last forever but missing people never ends

even people you shouldn't miss or don't want to miss or who don't deserve to be missed

that feeling will creep in like a robber on his tiptoes

he is in there and there's nothing you can do about it

and its a beautiful thing because I know I'll never forget to keep missing you

even when the spaces between remembering and forgetting get longer

but its awful, because you only have to miss someone when they are gone

sometimes I'll miss you and I will know that is what I'm doing

and sometimes it'll be just an emptiness or an ache that creeps in 

and takes me a moment to ponder what hurts and where its coming from

my body then clues into the difference between the pain of a cut on my hand 

and the grief of you being gone and then I'll remember, and I'll miss you then too

for all my days, not everyday but in little pieces until the end of time

I am going to miss you forever and I find so much peace and so much pain in that

all at once

IG: josiebalka

3 years now

It's 3 years today.

The feeling is different. I do not cry as before. 

But I still miss you...

...Everyday...

I still have the list I created with all the places we visited, all the food we ate, all the songs we dedicated each other or sang together...

I do not want to forget

I still see you everywhere, I had never realized how many people resemble you somehow. I keep wondering what would you say if I talked to you about the things I do now

would you make fun of me for crying over a Kdrama? no doubt you would've

What would you think of me enrolling in U again? I think you would have made fun of me but would have been secretly proud of me in the inside

In your own way you never allowed me to give up or feel sorry for myself

You made me stronger and smarter and prettier...

...and dead.. my heart is dead for 3 years and counting...

what does it feel to be a writer?

 Even before the pandemic, I started to keep distance from everyone around me. To the point where, once the pandemic arrived, it only felt like my regular day to day routine. At that point I was starting my "slight" addiction to Kdramas.

I have watched so many Kdramas at this point, which I do realize is no extraordinary achievement in the world of Kdramas. I actually think Im at the end of the rank when it comes to speed of watching and the number of Kdramas covered...

anyway... that was an important point necessary for this post.. the other point is...a long lost dream of mine is to write a book or a movie screenplay. I have always had that idea in my head, so.. 

I have recently watched a Kdrama called "The third charm" with Esom and Seo Kang-Joon (those light brown greenish eyes sweet lord * insert heart eyes here*). That show started good but it quickly made me feel so annoyed by the male lead, but as I am committed to what I start... I watched it through the end.

At some point between episode 10 or 12 it made me think.. why would a writer be so mean and make a character suffer so much!? The female lead had gone through so many hardships, and still, was able to have such a nice personality. Between all the pain she has bottled up inside, she was able to pull smiles and to understand where her loved ones were coming from. WHY in this earth would they make her go through more pain and have no sweet moments for her?! why everyone else around her would find love and success but she was made to only suffer and lose her pretty dreams?!

WHY!!!

I wonder what the writers had been going through to make this character suffer so much. I couldn't hold back the tears. I pained for her. 

If someday I finally write my book/screenplay, I hope I wont make anyone suffer that much .

"... be the poem, not the poet.."

 "For once I want to be poem, not the poet.
I have a response: How do you know you are not?
How do you know a stranger didn't see you 

burst out laughing in a crowd, thought to themselves 

they swear there was a sparkle in your eyes

and recounted to a friend all about you in that moment

 comparing thee to a summer's day..."

IG:herpoetryplaylist

A few days back, I stumble across this lady reading this poem she had written. It resonated a lot because, only a few weeks back, I was left thinking about that exact same topic.

I was out at a dollar store, waiting in line to pay for some stuff. When a man came in; he was looking for something or someone, because he was not going into the alleys, he was just looking at them and walking to the next.

I still remember clearly the clothes he was wearing, the color of his skin, his broad shoulders. I thought to myself: "Wow, he is so handsome" and immediately felt guilty because, I was supposed to meet a friend's husband, who would be looking for me, and the reference was: "he is dressed in blue"

same color as this handsome man....

I turned the other way, thinking.. he must be my friend's husband..K, show some respect...

And then he was out of my sight... and he was not my friend's husband...

And since then, I've been thinking about that man and I thought... Does he even has the slightest idea on the impact he had on some random woman at that dollar store on a non particular thursday afternoon?

And then I wondered... Is it possible there is someone in this city who might have seen me standing there on the street, waiting for my Uber or in any of my random strolls at the mall and thought: wow, she is really pretty, I want to know her name...

And then I came across that lady with her poem... and then I randomly decided to watch "Still 17", which had a scenario like that.. 

The topic has been coming back to me in different ways, keeping that thought active in my head "I want to be the poem, not the poet". At least just for once..

May I know if  I am yours...

Time after you

 I was asked again last night, how am I doing since you were gone?

how do you answer "I've been dead since January 2021" in words that wont freak people out and wont make them look at you as if you have gone crazy?

Because that is how I feel, not doing bad nor good either... just dead inside...