Covid

I tried posting some sort of summary of what this pandemic has been for me. I see two failed attempts sitting there in my draft. My memory sucks.. but I wont give up on those draft, someday they will see the light of day.

In the meantime, there are some important things I do wish to have here, just keep track. I like that exercise of going back and read how miserable or how happy I felt at some point in my life, just as a reminder that; whatever it is Im going through... it should also pass...

Lockdown due COVID, ironically, brought really good things for me. I wont say good things that happened to me were directly caused by covid, but sort of..

1. Lockdown forced my kid to have online classes and for me to be working from home. The rest of the family had to continue with their regular activities outside of the house. Pretty much we had the house for ourselves. This is the second time in our lives that we get the opportunity to prove that spending a lot more time together, it improves our relationship exponentially.

fighting, yelling, name calling and who knows how many other ugly things that used to happen, are now pretty much in the past. 

I have to thank lockdown for that...

2.with my new WAH status and the kid in online classes, I have been able to save a lot of money. Enough to finally be able to have my debts pretty much under control, and for the first time in my life I am actually able to set a plan for future plans. Having a purpose and a long term plan to look forward to, is a total new experience for me.. and I love it..

3.after 15 years, I finally got the promotion I had been working so hard for. It is killing me, I'm 3 months into it and I still cry some nights. Some days I wish they would fire me, I feel I cant do this. Then some days come and everything works smooth.. and I feel powerful again... so many ups and downs, working 12 to 14 hours  a day... 7 days a week,,, having my family complaining of me working too much... it is hard. This new position plus the money I'm saving, is what I need to finally be able to make my dreams come true. So I better find a way to make all this finally work. It is killing me.. but I will rock this.. someday...

4. thanks to all the savings and all the idle hours I had (before I got the promotion) I decided to start learning something. I needed to do something with my life. I started French classes and a 6 sigma certification. Right when I decided to get my idle ass to work, I got the promotion. Now my days are so full, I don't even have time to complete everything I had set myself to do. This feeling of having something to do, having to organize myself and allocate time to someone else, I'm exhausted, full of gray hair. But is really satisfying to be busy with something that will make me feel very proud in the end

so yes... all that is the positive this weird year in humanity has left me...

there`s also negative...

my damn ego made me pay a high bill. 

I lost someone to COVID, someone who was very important to me. Somehow, we stayed away from each other. For a year, we didn't talk to each other. I know he checked on me, and I hope he knew I checked on him.. constantly...like every day

But I never made the move to contact him back. When I finally got the promotion, I was dying to let him know about it. I wanted to share this with him so bad. But I felt so weird being me reaching out, after over a year, just sharing this... I wanted him to be surprised about it. At work, they usually sent an email to the whole organization letting them know about the promotions. I was waiting for him to see the notification of mine and see if he would reach out congratulating me

I wanted him to be proud of me so bad.. and the email never came...

an email that never came.. and then he was gone..

I was never able to reach out to share my good news, to tell him how much I missed him, how much I needed him...how happy I was to see his pictures looking so happy and fine. He was rebuilding his life, and he was at the happiest I had ever seen him.

I miss him, every single day. When I'm having a hard time at work I wish I could reach out to tell him all about it, I wish I could reach out asking for advise as he used to give them to me before

I wish I could share this good news and get to celebrate with him

I wish I could reach out every time I have a hard time with excel and have him fix them for me...

now I have to do everything on my own.. I have not been able to celebrate this achievement

it lost all value and all excitement

and I'm angry at him.. why did he leave me? why didn't he took care of himself? could I have done something? 

so many questions that will keep echoing inside my head who knows for how long.. until I forget everything about him maybe.. if it ever happens

Covid gave me some of the best things I had ever hoped for, but it also took away one of the best friends I`ve had in my life. I learned so much, and there was still so much I needed to learn.. but now it is too late

he is long gone.. and I'm still here... 

It is just some days, his absence weights way too much to bear it

Covid-19

I can't believe I have failed myself so miserably, by not documenting such an extraordinary time in human history as this damn pandemic has been.

Shame on me...

bucket list

And just as it came ..it went..

I have finally checked an item on my bucket list. Once I got the green light from my travel buddy, the count down began. I felt like a little kid waiting for Christmas. 

We left for two days but damn..that was the best weekend I've had in a long long time.

The show was everything I had expected and even more. I got watery eyes when coming into the dome and when the show started...damn.. I couldn't help a few tears coming down. I was there...in Guatemala..watching Cirque du Soleil...

you are the Jaime to my Brianne

Today's GoT episode totally fucked me up...

It touched a thread I had manage to keep idle for a while now. I knew I wasn't over it but it was there, you know.. just slowly fading... but today.. it was like seing myself on that screen.

And if you have absolutely no idea what I am talking about.. let me briefly introduce you to today's main event... Jaime Lannister fucked Brianne of tarth.. the virgin Brianne of Tarth... she loved him.. she loved him so deeply.. and he might have loved her too. But instead, he decided to go back to his twisted fucked up sister.

and that is why I am feeling so fucked up...

Brianne loved him, loved him so much. She accepted him for who he was, she saw the real him underneath all the flaws he has. behind everything he had been and done, she loved him for real and brought the best of him,., but he, he believed... I dont know what he belives.. I don't know what is in his head...

I just know she loved him with all her heart..she loves him and accepts him for everything he is, but he decided to leave her to go back to a woman who only uses him ,., a woman who doesn't love him and only wants to keep him under her will,., a woman who has no respect for who he is and what he has endure to be where he is now...

just like the man I love decided to do... 

                                                                                you are the Jaime to my Brianne...

forgive and forget

And this post is supposed to be an excercise of forgiving, but before I start with that I have to say...

I just read that last post I submitted back in November and let me tell you, WHAT.A.DUMB.BITCH I was... me all romantic and as stupid as I can be. thinking he was smiling for real just when being with me.. and you know what he was doing while I was posting that bunch of horse-shit? FUCKING WITH HER! HA!

there`s your real smile that goes all the way to the eyes you stupid bitch! HOW did I NOT see that?

you know what? I knew it.. I saw it.. I just decided to ignore it... that much I know him, and that is why it didn't come as a surprise when I knew he was seeing her and even less when I saw his post all depressed, feeling shamed of himself cause he let her cheat on him AGAIN!

so..forgiving myself,., there`s where this is supposed to be going..

And I guess, that original idea will be postponed but, I want to forgive myself for making me lose such a long time waiting. 

waiting for someone who was not looking for me
waiting for someone who wants to be loved but not by me
waiting for someone who longs to feel wanted but not by me

I want to forgive myself for feeling less than a person when

someone felt it was better to go back with someone who cheated on him than being with me
someone decided I am not worth enough to work hard to get himself healthy
someone feels my love is not good enough to share it for the rest of his life

I want to forgive myself

for crying while typing this
for dedicating songs to someone who doesn't wanna hear them
for making plans with someone who doesn't wanna hear them
for wanting to fight for someone who doesn't even have the courage to tell me he is not interested
for not letting go

I have to let go.. I am letting go.. I forgive you...

That smile...

And after all this time I realized something.  His smile on his pictures with me was different than the one on his pictures with her.

With me his smile would go all the way to his eyes.

That's the part I always loved of him smiling or laughing. How his eyes would bright and then almost close... he has the most beautiful and sweetest smile I have ever seen.

I just know it

Im not really sure how many sessions I have been on so far... but I can tell how much it has helped.

It is weird how talking with someone (the appropriate someone) can help you so much. The same things that have been right infront of you, now you just... see them clearly.

I have never been so sure about something  in my life, as I am about this Im now ready to share.

Love is not in the cards for me, and Im cool with that.

I found love in the most unexpected place .. in the most unexpected person.. and I fucked up, BIG TIME.

At the time, I was lost and wasnt paying attention to what really matters. It took 4 years of self assesment and introspection to understand what I had and what I had lost.

He is the love of my life, and I know that because, even though friendship is the only thing he can offer me, I am willing to take it, as long as I can keep him in my life. The fact of knowing I can reach out, make sure he is ok, offer my help, gives me comfort.

Therapy has given me that. It has empowered me to understand my feelings, and that has been ... liberating. There`s this really strange.. inner peace you get, when you come to terms with what you feel and what you know it is true.

It has been a hard path to walk, but I have learned so much about myself. Even though I am tempted to say "I wish I could go back", I would never changed what I`ve learned, what I`ve grow and the person I have become after all these years...

What comes ahead, it is gonna be good,., I just know it!