If I was brave enough... this is what I would love to tell you...

 I'm gonna give some context first. Back in 2021, the last person I had fallen in love with suddenly passed away. We were not together, we were not a couple, but he meant so many things to me. When he was gone, I was left feeling like a widow. My heart felt like it was dead.

I focused on myself, just working harder on achieving my dreams, always thinking how he would feel seeing me succeed.

but that emptiness was always there...I felt dead inside...

Years have passed by, and at some point I wondered, has somebody ever found me the least pretty and thought... I wonder who she is? I wish she would look my way? and I thought.. I wish someone would tell me I meant something like that to them, the warmth of that thought would definitely lift my spirit in my darkest hours. Just the thought of knowing there's someone out there who thinks pretty things about me.

so, here I am... years later, I met someone by chance. Someone who for whatever reason makes my heart flutter. I don't know much about him, I myself cannot really understand why I feel the way I feel about him, but, if I could be brave enough I wish I could tell you..

I like you so much. I'm not saying this with the hopes of you liking me back or pretending to seduce you somehow to like me. I don't care or maybe I don't even want you to like me back..that's not the important thing. I'm just here, sharing what I feel in the hopes it brings a smile to your face in those dark moments when you feel things are not going how you wish they would. Think there's someone out there, who can't help but smile when she thinks about you and sends all her best wishes your way. thank you, for bringing my heart back to life.

du machst meine samstags so schön

WTF.. It is almost February!

 Can you believe it is almost February!, What in the actual fuck, last week it was Christmas!

How can one achieve something if days are going by a week at a time!

Im being robbed of my time...

Am I so into Kdramas and books that I have lost track of time ? or does it feel the same for everybody?

2024 review

I always like to go back and read my posts. Sometimes it feels like I'm reading someone else's life, sometimes it makes me feel disappointed of myself, sometimes it makes me realize how far I have moved in life and sometimes it makes me realize what a complete noob I am.

Back in August I had decided to quit, went to get the letters needed and started the required process. I had decided to quit, go work with my dad for a few months and then look for a new job after 6 months and to move out of my parents house. I was SCARED AS HELL

and then I started getting so stressed.. doubting my decisions every single second of my day/night... My boss did zero retention attempt, she was like... yes, go ahead, I wish I could quit myself but I cant. Her boss gave me a call and it was the most weird ass 3 hours long call I have ever had.

bottom line.. I stayed... no raise, no changes... nothing.. I just back down out of fear of the unknown

I.AM.SUCH.A.FUCKING.COWARD

I have not moved out either

DUMB.BITCH

anyway, besides that being my biggest fail this year... what else has this noob done?

I have approved all my classes at college.. tho I am not studying at the same level as the first year I started

I enrolled in german classes, which I am not excelling at either

I try to take sun baths everyday

there, what a sad list of achievements

I used to keep a list of the different versions of me that had ended every year, I think this is the first time when the EOY version will be "loser"

A leap of faith

or it might just be one more in the long list of bad choices I have made in my life.

May the odds be ever in my favor and may the Lord have some mercy on me...

Loose Change

 I must admit, this situation has brought up some weird feelings.

She was never my friend, I didn't really liked her or disliked her... she had things that felt annoying but there were moments it was actually nice to hear her.

For unknown reasons they are not together anymore. They way I came up to know about the situation was through gossip, which leads me to believe he has been cheating.. I don't know and won't even bother to ask and confirm. I just see him, so chill... laughing, playing video games, coming and going... again, I know nothing about that relationship.. if I should feel good for him or bad for her...

I can't help to think about her when I see him. Maybe because I somehow see myself in her. I picture her nights alone with her kids, alone again. I don't even remember how many years did their relationship lasted; but it definitely lasted long enough for routines to be created. I picture her crying at night, hugging her kids to get her strength up. It is so... disturbing? complex? interesting? ....normal?! to see someone end a long relationship and just move on with his life.

I love him dearly, and I hope he is making the right decisions. I hope he didn't play with the heart of a single mom and two innocent kids. I send them all my love that I never gave them and all my best wishes... It pains my heart to imagine the sadness they might be going through... I must do an actual effort to picture them having a good time too. Laughing and playing games as a family without his dark clouds around them. I wish for them all the love they can give to each other. 

My son has brought me all the way here... I know and I'm sure your kids will take you as high and far away as their love can. You are doing a great job!

Weird times we are living in

 Life has been overwhelming for the past few months. So much that I got to the point to cry myself to sleep thinking I was gonna die that night. My body was feeling so weak, I was sure it would give up that night. I would cry out of fear and anger; fear of leaving my son alone in this world and angry at dying because of this job that was leaving me with nothing.

fast forward some nights later... I did not die... nor did I get a stroke...

After weeks and weeks of deep thinking and consideration I decided staying there was not worth it, my health had taken a big tole, my relationships were suffering, and Im not sure how bad I looked to the people around me, but my family was in fear of me either killing myself or just suffering a sudden death.

I communicated this to my boss, I notified I was applying to a new role and if I did not get it, I would be resigning by July. Their reaction was to offer me a promotion and to try to get me a higher salary....

which by now... I have not heard of again...

...

While I was going through all that, I randomly came across a tweet from a girl... sadly I did not saved it or liked it to go back to it; but she was telling how she gets congratulated for keeping a cold head when crisis come at work and she is able to find a solution while being calm and straight headed. She ends her tweet saying, her secret is not to give a fuck about what happens... words more words less... not giving a flying fuck, was the main message. I thought to myself: how do you do that? how do you not give a fuck about what happens around you? I have never, for once in my life been able to not give a fuck. I need to fix everything and everybody... and then, I communicated my intention to resign

and I started thinking... I'll be out of here in less than 2 months... someone in the team did not come to work... IDGAF, production wants this report and is the end of my shift... I'll send it tomorrow... there are 10+ emails that need to be replied.. I'll reply when I can....

If they dont like it... then they can fire me... if they dont fire me... I'll be out of here in 2 months.... 

And you know what.... My knee doesnt hurt... my legs do not get swollen anymore... Im not losing my hair... my arms do not hurt... my stomach is ok... and Im starting to eat a bit better....

But the truth inside all this.. Im scared.. Im scared to death. My country is going through dark times, and it looks like it is only getting darker... is it the best thing to do just to drop everything and say fuck it/? right now? should I wait?.... is this the smartest thing to do? is this the best time?

a lot of things to talk with my therapist tomorrow... I cant handle all this, life is just way too heavy right now...

Q1 2024 review

 We are already mid Q2, but who cares...

I was going through some of the previous post... I was feeling dead inside since 2021... it started with my heart and the cold crept through everywhere inside... until I have been left with no feeling at all.

On top of the numb feeling, feeling disconnected from everybody, completely drained... now my brain feels its refusing to work. As I said to my kid, I do not want to die, but I feel my body is giving up.

Work, work is unbearable. Everytime I see teams flashing or a new email arriving, its a full anger coming outside my fingers...

I

cant

stand

these

people

I dont care about anyone, I quitting

soon

just not yet