Dark week

 these past two weeks were really tough ones. Coffee has now passed away... but this is still not the time to go over that story... i cant help to cry just when I think of him

the kid got really sick, it was a very stressing time. Thank God he is so healthy so when he gets sick, it makes me anxious and sad.

He was doing really bad, we had to go to the doctor every other day. and then... he had to start working

days are now so long and Im always so bored

I miss him

deeply

so many important things have happened...

I must share them

but Im too sad

i cant type

i dont want to think

Some days are just so weird

 Every saturday, when I am going in to class or when Im leaving... I walk checking my surroundings hoping for the chance of a "casual" meeting with my german crush.

It never happens...

last Saturday... I was having such a bad day. I lost my wallet and had absolutely no money. I was feeling so dumb and sad. I sat down at the first bench I found after I realized my dumb mistake; was talking over the phone trying my best attempt to see of a chance to find my wallet... then I looked up.. and there he was... walking towards me... as he reached me he smiled and said good morning...

I smiled back shyly and replied "oh hi! good morning"...

and oh my God

I could not believe what a bizarre day had come to be...

he was looking so handsome... 

this man has absolutely no idea how head over heels I am for him... some times I wish I could tell him just for the ego boost of him knowing there's someone out there, thinking about him.

I can't wait for classes to start again...

Another crazy dream...

Someone in my past would always make jokes about my dreams. How I always had this over the top elaborated scripts going on, the joke was, the story line was so complex, I didn't have enough budget for the cast. That's why I always see the same faces but on each dream they are a different character.

Last night's dream went way above the budget... I dreamt with Taylor Swift...

I woke up at 4 am in the morning with this damn urge to message her, of course, I did not...

It was such a weird dream, it was one of those dreams where it doesn't really feel like a dream and more like you are observing someone's life.

She was there, next to a piano.. someone was playing the piano, but I could not see that someone as she was standing between that person and I.

She had a glass of champagne but I didn't really see her seeping.. but she did sounded drunk, not the dragging of words or talking nonsense.. it was the voice.. 

but the sound of her voice made me feel sad... it was a raspy-tear-choked voice, I don't really recall listening that tone in any of her previous songs (anything prior The Tortured Poets department because I totally refuse hearing that album, don't ask me why, I just cant get myself to listen to it)

anyway, she was there singing.. and my message was gonna go.. something like this...

"hi Taylor,

Its 4 am here in El Salvador and I had a dream with you tonight

I saw you singing songs I have never heard before

on a raspy drunk-tear choked voice...

there was so much more... but I hesitated between messaging a super mega famous star at 4 am in the morning or just going back to sleep.. and I chose the second one

I'm tired

 My life is full of bad decisions. I have these moments in my life when I had this second path that opens up for me, and for whatever reason; someone or myself talk me out of keeping the same path I currently am.

Happened a long time ago when I was offered to move to a different LOB and instead I decided to stay to work on getting promoted

And has now happened again.. when I had decided I wanted to quit and I talked myself on staying.

I decided to stay because leaving felt like a failure, it made me feel I was just giving up and running away

... and I want to stop running away...

against my gut feeling I decided to stay.. was not happy leaving and was not happy staying, 6 months later Im crying that decision.

I HATE my job, I just cant stand it. But there's something in my head that just finds it impossible not to keep on fighting. The reasons are the more stupid: 

anyway...

September was a low point.. but damn... this is a new low

a low where  I hope I die so I just dont have to go to work anymore but I dont quit but I dont get fired...and I get freed of this nightmare without loosing face.

yes, Im that petty.. Im hoping for an earthquake a mayor chaos where the whole world loses internet connection so I cant work and it is not my fault.

I cant stand people from work.. my team, my boss, my boss's boss...  I just cant stand anyone anymore

I.AM.TI-R-ED

I wish with all my heart that I could just shout FUCK THIS SHIT!

but I cant... now that I have vented... I'll go sleep 3 hours so I can get up again and continue a new 16 hours shift

FML

today is my birthday!

 43 years on this earth.. such a weird feeling. I do not feel I look as old as I remember I saw people in their 40s when I was a kid... but definitely do not consider myself young when I see what I have accomplished. Because I have not accomplished NOTHING and I am THIS old....

There's one thing that definitely scares me... Im running out of time...

there are 2 things that are stuck in my head as a premonition dream I had at some point of my younger years...

first... I saw myself as a single mother of a boy. I saw myself standing holding his hand, standing at the street infront of my parents house...

that dream was back then in my teenage years when I didnt even dream of having a boyfriend, let alone having a kid..

and... here I am.. single mother of a handsome young man living with my parents...

second.. somewhere.. I cant put my finger when... this idea got stuck in my head, not really sure if it was a dream... but I was gonna live only up to 45.. which means... I only have 2 more years...

I cant leave my kid now... Im so scared.. 

scared of leaving him right now that he is barely starting to live.. there are so many things I still want to see him achieve.. I need to leave knowing he will be part of a loving family that will embrace him as one of their own.. where he will feel loved and cared by a wonderful woman and will have the support system of a loving family in law that will just see him as one of their own...

and it makes me feel angry and sad at the same time.... when my son looks back to the last years of my existence, was seeing his mother working her ass off day and night...

his last image of his mom will be her sitting at that damn PC working until late for some money that sometimes I feel he even hates...

Im such a bad mother... but Im scared of the future... Im scare of living him with nothing to start...

happy birthday to me... let's make these last 2 years count (but secretely God, can we make it last a little longer please)

If I was brave enough... this is what I would love to tell you...

 I'm gonna give some context first. Back in 2021, the last person I had fallen in love with suddenly passed away. We were not together, we were not a couple, but he meant so many things to me. When he was gone, I was left feeling like a widow. My heart felt like it was dead.

I focused on myself, just working harder on achieving my dreams, always thinking how he would feel seeing me succeed.

but that emptiness was always there...I felt dead inside...

Years have passed by, and at some point I wondered, has somebody ever found me the least pretty and thought... I wonder who she is? I wish she would look my way? and I thought.. I wish someone would tell me I meant something like that to them, the warmth of that thought would definitely lift my spirit in my darkest hours. Just the thought of knowing there's someone out there who thinks pretty things about me.

so, here I am... years later, I met someone by chance. Someone who for whatever reason makes my heart flutter. I don't know much about him, I myself cannot really understand why I feel the way I feel about him, but, if I could be brave enough I wish I could tell you..

I like you so much. I'm not saying this with the hopes of you liking me back or pretending to seduce you somehow to like me. I don't care or maybe I don't even want you to like me back..that's not the important thing. I'm just here, sharing what I feel in the hopes it brings a smile to your face in those dark moments when you feel things are not going how you wish they would. Think there's someone out there, who can't help but smile when she thinks about you and sends all her best wishes your way. thank you, for bringing my heart back to life.

du machst meine samstags so schön

WTF.. It is almost February!

 Can you believe it is almost February!, What in the actual fuck, last week it was Christmas!

How can one achieve something if days are going by a week at a time!

Im being robbed of my time...

Am I so into Kdramas and books that I have lost track of time ? or does it feel the same for everybody?