what a full circle moment, we are back at the origin... where this whole story started
same neighbourhood and you at the same age I was when I had you.
We have gone through so much, moments in life that were so dark but with these brighter than stars moment where you were using the whole space.
how far we have gone...
Its been 21 days now at this new place. So many different feelings, so many memories of what could have been, now get displayed at the very place where it was supposed to happen.
I go through a whole variety of feelings every day, I get out of my room first thing in the morning and I love what I see. It is such a tiny place, but I love what I have put together. I have breakfast, I start working and then noon starts getting closer... so is the hot air
ugh.. is so hot here... my dad says its hot everywhere, but it feels specially hot here.
then night comes...
prep dinner, wash dishes, spend time with the son...
go to bed
I feel tired
bored
but I take a look back before closing my bedroom door,., and again I feel happy
i like what I see
boredom, that's what happens the most.
I was supposed to exercise in the morning and take walks at night. I have done nothing of that
maybe if I do that I would feel different, but Im feeling so tired and with no energy,., could I be depressed?
anyway, its been 21 days, am I loving it? not really but damn do I feel proud of myself
we are at 23 days of doing the big move....
Was reading my previous post, and it is funny how I was promising myself to keep my mouth shut and.. it only lasted maybe like a week.
maybe even less than that...
the secret was out in the open very early, there have been some conflicts. As usual I didn't keep the best attitude when my family was just trying to be supportive.
The decision was made back in February, by end of March, the kid was jobless... it felt like the first challenge, but I did not back down. By the beginning of May he was out of the jobless market, so we are back on track.
I had 3 months to do all the arrangements but now I am trying to squeeze all the buying and organizing and packing in pretty much less than 3 weeks... I guess it wouldnt be me if I didnt procrastinate
anyway.. we will see... I better start doing some cleaning to get ready for that new fresh start...
am I even at the middle point?
is this a crisis or are just my hormones playing games? I dont know. I just know everything and everybody annoys me right now,
am I annoyed? or am I just lacking energy?
I feel I have no strength to do anything. I cant reply, I only smile and nod. There's no energy for more.
saw a post on instagram last night that brought a tear to my eye (yes, one tear on one eye, there's no energy for more)
"The universe at large has no problem turning the heat up and making you more and more uncomfortable to the point of crisis in order to influence you into making a change for your own benefit" ~ @tealswanofficial
is that what might be happening right now? is the universe tired of hearing me complain and doing nothing to change my current situation? is it making everything feel like a living hell so I finally take those decisions I have 10+ years delaying?
I dont know.. I wish I knew
September is here and that's how it feels...
In the Philippines they have already put up Christmas trees in the office... Christmas decorations are now in display in most stores...
July and August are now gone. A lot of things happened, most of them so sad. I have come to realize the older I get the hardest it is for me to get over sad things. Feels like depression is taking over once again.
...or Maybe I just need vacations...
I have applied to a new position. I have not heard back from it, so we are in the stage of begging the Lord for them to accept my application. I love what I do, but the people I have been forced to work with have just killed my spirit.
There are two things I have heard people talk about and had never happened to me: One, they would have dreams about work. Two, they would dream in English. None had never happened to me, but lately I am having dreams with work (they feel much too real ugh) and I dont know if I was dreaming in english or spanish BUT I was actively trying to translate my thoughts to German. I find it so weird how a language I am barely (?) starting to learn has taken over my brain.
it might be the stress...
I have decided I will stop being so cryptic and will add some of what I can recall happened this past couple of months; just because when years later I come back and I read these post, I usually do not remember what was going on and I wish I would have written more details. So
Kid was doing really bad in college, he grades where just getting worst and worst. I got to the point where I had to make the hard decision of taking him out of it. My main concern is for him to be able to get a decent job and get food for himself, so I had a long and harsh talk with him, pulled him out of college and told him he must get a technical degree. why? cause it is only 2 years and will allow him to get enough skills to get a good job.
challenge number 1: classes start in January. I could not afford to have him doing nothing for the next 6 months. So I asked him to start applying to all the call centers we could find. He got accepted in most of them but only one provided the schedule we need. (Because he is still going to german classes, we needed saturdays off). The week he got accepted, he got sick. He got typhoid fever and had to be put on antibiotics. info coming from the doctor did little to put me at ease, as he said there are some people who can even fall into a coma ; even if they are under treatment. It was the hardest two weeks; specially cause the kid was about to start working. I felt like such a bad mom, forcing my kid to go to work, being so sick and weak... I would cry all the time, full of fear and regret, I could not help but to feel so guilty and like such a bad mom.
The kid has now completed training and has about two weeks in production, thank God he survived, not only the typhoid fever but also training and is actually doing very good at work.
One of our dogs passed away in July. It still brings tears to my eyes thinking we allowed for him to spend his last few hours full of pain. It is so hard to write this, I cant see through all the tears. I have his sad look stuck in my memory. Coffee was so stubborn, he was old already, he had had so many accidents and his body was so fragile, still, he would get in fights with Max all the time. Max is of course, getting older and way way bigger than coffee. Nala was still in heat that week, and Coffee got in a fight with Max because of her. Nobody saw how it happened, but apparently Max broke some of Coffee's ribs. that was early in the morning, at around am. we decided not to take him to the vet, and just to observe how he would evolve, he died at around 3 pm in the afternoon. I cry every time I think about him, I feel like Im the worst human being, he must have been in so much pain. He passed away on a thursday; friday night, there was a storm and I went upstairs to my room trying to get away from people. When I opened my door, there was a cat in my room, a beautiful white and brown cat. The cutest cat I have seen. The brown fur looked a lot like Coffee's color. I started crying and called everyone to see him, he got scared and runaway. Sarita and I both had the same thought, Coffee had come to say goodbye. I kept trying to lure the cat into my house but he kept on running away. Last week I stopped seeing him outside, I hope he found a home where he could stay.
One of my cousins passed away last month. It was pretty sudden, he went to the doctor due to some pain he was having, there was some treatment done, then surgery... but after the surgery everything got worst. he spent around weeks at the hospital until he passed away. We were not close in the sense of seeing each other often or texting every once in a while. But knowing they are there... and now thinking he is gone, it is so sad. His death hitted me hard, it felt like a test to my faith. I was so sure he would get through it, I kept praying and feeling so confident God was gonna get him healthy... but no. I a matter of days he was gone. Im trying to do the best with the feelings his passing has left me. Im trying to spend more time with my family, Im trying to meet my extended family more often. Im trying to put work on a second/third spot in my list of priorities and trying to do the best I can to create memories with all the people I love.
When I was young I had this "certainty" I would die young. At 45. If that really comes reality, I only have a couple of years more, so I better do the best of them that I can. I fail some times, but Im doing my best to actively disconnect from work and try to spend more time with my family.
Work related, Im feeling stuck. I like what I do but dealing with people who cannot take feedback and would be throwing tantrums when things do not go their way is exhausting. If I did not have to deal with that specific group of people, my days at work would be nice. I do not complain about the workload, I wish I could even do a lot more for them. It is just the tantrums and complains; I cant stand them any longer. I have applied to a new post, let's hope they accept my application. that is just the first step. Hiring processes have now changed so much, that will be the second challenge in this process. But we will cross that bridge once we get there.
