Well... I would dare to say therapy is slowly (very slowly) starting to work. A lot of
support has been received from some family units, which has helped immensely;
yet, there is still a lot of work to be done.
Now, other stuff. I wish I could say I am improving, but
that would be a straight lie. I wish I could say I am understanding, but that
would also be a lie. I am tolerating, and I think that hardly leads to anything
positive. At this point, I have think in so many different scenarios to try to
make sense to what has been going on for the last two months. And truth is, all
of them lead me to think I am the one to blame for keep on trying (insisting).
Why do I insist on chasing someone who has so clearly demonstrated
wants nothing to do with my company? I wish I could find an answer to that. I
really need it, but that cant come from me..and there`s none.
Therapist suggested a book; that at first I was hesitant to
read. I forced myself to start and eventually couldn’t stop. Today, it has been
a hard day. With some stuff hitting hard on my self-esteem. Finding this letter
touched a chord inside, and I think… this is the type of stuff I should
hold on to... until I find a sense to everything that is going on.
Dear Fredy:
This is the
last email I write to you.
I love writing to you, but your silence is
very painful.
I know I
write for the pleasure of writing, I know I need to do it, it makes me happy,
it is good for me, and it connects me with myself. But I also need answers.
I know you
read what I write, I visualize you opening your computer, waiting for my files,
and I know you can’t write right now.
Writing its
something that comes to us, it imposes on us, and we cannot force it. I have
given a lot of thought on all these that I talk with my patients, about accepting
the other´s rhythm. And that is why I patiently wait for your moment to come and connect with me again.
I often see
in the couples I work with, the challenges they face due the different rhythms
they use to deal with life. I know how important it is to accept the other`s rhythm.
I know men
runaway when they feel pressured.
Women
usually complain how men shut down at contact, without realizing it is an
answer to the same pressure they are imposing on them. Men close themselves
when they feel forced, when we don’t give them the time they need.
I tell myself I should continue writing to
you, because it is for my own pleasure.
Like that subject about give and receive we talked
about so many times.
The act of
giving is a getting in itself; I receive the pleasure of you getting something
good that I have to give you; I get the happiness of you listening and cherish
what I give you. It makes no sense to give hoping for something outside the act
itself of giving.
But there comes a moment when I need your word,
your silence hurts.
That is why I have to tell you this is my last
email.
We will find
each other on a different journey, on another congress, in some other time…
With Love,
Laura
