Weird times we are living in

 Life has been overwhelming for the past few months. So much that I got to the point to cry myself to sleep thinking I was gonna die that night. My body was feeling so weak, I was sure it would give up that night. I would cry out of fear and anger; fear of leaving my son alone in this world and angry at dying because of this job that was leaving me with nothing.

fast forward some nights later... I did not die... nor did I get a stroke...

After weeks and weeks of deep thinking and consideration I decided staying there was not worth it, my health had taken a big tole, my relationships were suffering, and Im not sure how bad I looked to the people around me, but my family was in fear of me either killing myself or just suffering a sudden death.

I communicated this to my boss, I notified I was applying to a new role and if I did not get it, I would be resigning by July. Their reaction was to offer me a promotion and to try to get me a higher salary....

which by now... I have not heard of again...

...

While I was going through all that, I randomly came across a tweet from a girl... sadly I did not saved it or liked it to go back to it; but she was telling how she gets congratulated for keeping a cold head when crisis come at work and she is able to find a solution while being calm and straight headed. She ends her tweet saying, her secret is not to give a fuck about what happens... words more words less... not giving a flying fuck, was the main message. I thought to myself: how do you do that? how do you not give a fuck about what happens around you? I have never, for once in my life been able to not give a fuck. I need to fix everything and everybody... and then, I communicated my intention to resign

and I started thinking... I'll be out of here in less than 2 months... someone in the team did not come to work... IDGAF, production wants this report and is the end of my shift... I'll send it tomorrow... there are 10+ emails that need to be replied.. I'll reply when I can....

If they dont like it... then they can fire me... if they dont fire me... I'll be out of here in 2 months.... 

And you know what.... My knee doesnt hurt... my legs do not get swollen anymore... Im not losing my hair... my arms do not hurt... my stomach is ok... and Im starting to eat a bit better....

But the truth inside all this.. Im scared.. Im scared to death. My country is going through dark times, and it looks like it is only getting darker... is it the best thing to do just to drop everything and say fuck it/? right now? should I wait?.... is this the smartest thing to do? is this the best time?

a lot of things to talk with my therapist tomorrow... I cant handle all this, life is just way too heavy right now...

Q1 2024 review

 We are already mid Q2, but who cares...

I was going through some of the previous post... I was feeling dead inside since 2021... it started with my heart and the cold crept through everywhere inside... until I have been left with no feeling at all.

On top of the numb feeling, feeling disconnected from everybody, completely drained... now my brain feels its refusing to work. As I said to my kid, I do not want to die, but I feel my body is giving up.

Work, work is unbearable. Everytime I see teams flashing or a new email arriving, its a full anger coming outside my fingers...

I

cant

stand

these

people

I dont care about anyone, I quitting

soon

just not yet

A carefree man...

I'm not someone to be asking around anything to anyone, but somehow, information just comes to me without me asking for it.

I was told about the apparent current situation of someone who has a special place in my memory. It broke my heart when I was described his current state.

In my head, every time I think about him, I picture him with his mischievous  side smile, driving around and listening to some beats, maybe holding the hand of a new girlfriend ... or maybe just getting together with his friends, drinking and eating over talking of future travels, past shenanigans and what not. 

When we parted ways, the core idea was for him to take care of himself to be his best version without the burden of a family to care... I was going to do the same on my own... what they described is nothing close to someone who has turned things around for the better.

I hope whatever it is they saw its not the real thing, I just want to forget that phone call and keep his image as my memory wants to..., a carefree man living his life to the fullest.

I can't believe this..

 ...someone, somewhere in this world has heard the same words I did a long time ago.

I thought this could have only happen to me...

a subject totally out of line..

 My country has been living the most uncertain time for the last few years. We had elections recently, and the level of fraud... and the way that was done...honestly, it is worth a netflix show years from now.

Why?

cause it is so neglectfully done, it is almost laughable. Do you know what the saddest part of all this is? I have been working my ass off for 18 years to make some money to offer my kid, so he can get the hell out of this place and he just does not give a flying fuck.

just like that, he only cares about playing video games

what did I do wrong?

Where did we go astray?

I do not know...and I hope he never has to regret his decisions, I hope I never feel the urge to say: "I FUCKING told you so"

I see my sister going through hard times, she might have avoided if she had listened to me. Yes, she has her wins.... but what would have been if she had listened to me?

Would she be reading the headlines from somewhere in Europe while she skies down a mountain, thinking... that damn bastard is taking my country down the drain?

but no, she is here, suffering... thinking, wondering,,, what's at stake for her own kid

what's at stake for mine?

I pray it will not be bad

I pray he will only wish he had taken different decisions, but he wont be living a hard time

I pray, he will just wish to have some luxuries but he wont be praying for freedom

I dont know what's coming..but oh lord.. I'm so scared...

I hate living in fear...

My vision of love

 Throughout my life, there is something that has been kept constant no matter who is by my side. My vision of love has not been accepted/understood by most people in my life. Not sure if I was not able to get my message through, or maybe I do not come across as understanding as this vision of love requires me to be. 

Anyway, 

I recently ended to watch a Kdrama (yes, another one) and it reminded me of my vision of love and how I have seen it reflected in movies and TV shows... 

It makes me think... someone out there, thinks exactly like I do...

Meet Joe Black, Quince vision of love: "True love is about knowing each other's darkest secrets.. there's nothing you don't know about each other, and that is ok"

Shall we dance? Beverly's vision of marriage: "your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it, your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness"

Good Will Hunting Sean's vision of love: "its the little things like that.. the little idiosyncrasies that only I know about, that's what made her my wife...she knew all my little peccadillos, people call these things imperfections, but they are not, that's the good stuff.. and then we get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds.."

and there are more.. so much more...

You miss people forever

 I'm gonna miss you forever, did you know that?

I will spend the rest of my life missing you

In big ways, in small ways, in medium ways, and always.. I'm gonna miss you

there are many things that last forever but missing people never ends

even people you shouldn't miss or don't want to miss or who don't deserve to be missed

that feeling will creep in like a robber on his tiptoes

he is in there and there's nothing you can do about it

and its a beautiful thing because I know I'll never forget to keep missing you

even when the spaces between remembering and forgetting get longer

but its awful, because you only have to miss someone when they are gone

sometimes I'll miss you and I will know that is what I'm doing

and sometimes it'll be just an emptiness or an ache that creeps in 

and takes me a moment to ponder what hurts and where its coming from

my body then clues into the difference between the pain of a cut on my hand 

and the grief of you being gone and then I'll remember, and I'll miss you then too

for all my days, not everyday but in little pieces until the end of time

I am going to miss you forever and I find so much peace and so much pain in that

all at once

IG: josiebalka