Mission....acomplished?

I don't know if I can call ' t like that.

When the person you think is your soulmate...the one you want to have next to you when something good..bad...or just when life happens....you want them to be the one next to you.. you just can't have them. Why? Well.. cause they only love you as a friend. ..

I wanted him to be with me today so bad. It was a hard test to go through.

I cried before leaving and was able to hold the tears while out with my friends...yet...he was always on my mind.

Can it be called mission accomplished just because I did not contact him?

World suicide prevention day

I didn't know there was a world suicide prevention day. Now you know it too, it is today.

As I watch multiple videos across Facebook, trying their best to prevent this. I can't help but to think.. how many people around me, maybe not necessarily thinking about suicide.. but definitely feeling at their shittiest lowest?

Those nice videos share how relatives and loved ones remember those who found their way out through suicide. All of them share the same type of stories, how they looked so happy, full of energy, hope, fun and compassion for others.
They all explain how they are not able to wrap in their heads how they missed the signs. they were looking so full of life.. full of love.. how did they miss it?

And now they all share what they wish they could tell those they have now lost.

At first I thought, I wish someone would show and tell me those things they are saying, tell them to me now that I am alive, that I can still be rescued. Then I thought..I can make that happen, but what I CAN do is, tell those I love what they mean to me, and as I can't make them see themselves through my eyes, at least I can tell them how they look from my perspective.

I will be posting one by one, as I want them to have a special meaning. And for them to really reflect what`s in my heart for those I love. I dont want to post them in any specific order, so Ill just post them randomly.

what is it with me?

I act like a moth to a flame with men. I know he will hurt me, I know he doesn`t love me, he might care but not the way I wish he would.

 I can`t just keep myself out of this downward spiral

Welcome to the club

"some things aren`t just going my way"

And to that I say...Ain`t that everybody`s life?

let me give you a short list of all the things that are just not going my way...

• No matter my efforts a salary increase at work it just does not happen
• I insist on going back with someone who clearly has absolutely no interest in me
• My body is giving up and have no resources to stop that.. I`m just slowly witnessing how it is just coming down in pieces...
• I finally let someone in just to realize everything was fake.. and I fell for it
• The kid... this weird combination of the only best thing I have in my life but at the same time can take me down to hell just as easy...

this week was one of those.. when you feel like you hit bottom.. but you did not actually hit bottom, you just crashed with a rock and your real misery is still waiting for you, patiently waiting while you keep going down this free fall...

On Tuesday I found myself crying in the livingroom, the walk from the stairs to the couch was full of the most excruciating pain. One foot with these awful pain spasm nobody can figure out what they are about..the other in huge need of a surgery I have no way to get it done. I cried...realizing how useless and powerless I felt.. I.COULD.NOT.WALK

so if you are reading this.... and you can walk.. DON`T GIVE IT FOR GRANTED!

so.. things aren`t going your way? guess what? things are pretty much not going anybody`s way. I think, that`s life. It loves being a total bitch.

Even though today I have allowed myself to cry.. I cried while watching a rom-com thinking no one will ever love me, hug me and stare at my eyes with this look of never having watched anything more beautiful in his life... I cried while yet again I put my dignity aside begging someone to spend time with me just to be reminded again how much he doesn`t care... I cried out the most stupid things today.. there was no soda.. the kid was leaving a mess behind him everywhere he was going... I cried.. I`m crying.. and pretty much will keep on crying till I fall asleep..but just today. That`s all I allow myself to do.

Because even though things aren`t going my way, I refuse to stay here... If plan A doesn`t want me.. I`ll go for plan B.. whatever that will be..

dreams...

have you ever woken up from a dream with this feeling of understanding how things must be? realizing how mistaken you`ve been with the way you thought things were acceptable to be?

I had that dream last night. I can`t recall the details. I know I was with some people that were supposed to be friends or at least acquaintances from work. We were having fun doing some outdoor activities. We ended up meeting another group of people.. in the middle of the dream, someone came up to my mind.

At that moment I saw myself staring at my phone; waiting for a message that would never come. Then, I looked to this group of people and I was having so much fun with them, and it just felt right. Just like that, it was like a veil was removed from my eyes and I understood how wrong I was settling for what I`ve been given.

That feeling I had during that dream, is something I do not want to forget.

I must stop begging for the little to no attention I have come so used to get and to stop finding excuses for every time I was ignored. I don`t think they are bad people, I must just stop expecting anything from people who time after time keep showing how little they care for me.

No matter what I do, I will never be enough. I have to understand they want to feel loved, they long to feel wanted... they just don`t want to feel that from me.

It is now the time to not only understand it but to truly accept it.

Natalia Lafourcade - Musas Vol 1 & 2

I've never been a fan of her music, but thanks to a friend I came to learn of this album and I can't stop listening to it. 

as per Wikipedia...
"The album is a homage to Latin American folk music and contains original songs as well as cover versions of other artists' songs. According to Lafourcade, her goal with the album was to explore the history and culture of her Latin American roots. She emphasized that collaborating with Los Macorinos helped her capture the feelings and sounds she wanted to transmit to the audience with Musas"

There are some songs that have completely captured my attention, if you are into old music like myself.. take the time to listen to the full album, I'll share here some of my favorite songs...

"Tu si sabes quererme", I love this one because of the rythm it has, its fun, makes you wanna move and the lyrics, though simple.. they are straight.. you my friend, you do know how to love me ;)

"Alma mia", this one.. makes me wanna cry. it touches cords deep in my soul. The guitar, sound so... blue and mellow. Talking about a lone soul looking for its partner, what a better description of myself. "si yo encontrara un alma como la mia, que secretos le contaria"

"Soledad y el Mar", talking about loneliness. This one has a more upbeat tone, still is so sweet. "y esta soledad tan profunda... que me cante el mar, un bolero de soledad"

"Soy lo prohibido", the one that throw the spell, I heard it.. the rhythm ..that guitar... the voice.. and the lyrics. This song couldn`t have showed up at a better time. I always wonder, do the songs show up in a perfect timing or we pay attention to them because of what we are going through? anyway, if my life could have a soundtrack, definitely I know which part this song would go perfect with.

The kissing booth

And it has been a long long time since I havent talked about a movie (which now I realized it is super odd given the fact that I havent say A WORD about Miss Sloane.. one of the top movies on my list.. reserved for a future post, in the mean time GO WATCH IT!)

So, had some troubles sleeping on sunday night and decided to go with the cheesiest movie "The kissing booth", I have read some reviews, a lot of people complaining about the story and how unreal and cheesy and stuff.. maybe that`s true but.. hey! it is a teenager`s movie!!! what did you expect?

anyway... the reason I was move to type this is because of an specific scene that happens in this movie, so basically, you have this super handsome kid, who is the crush of the main character. obviosly, everybody is in love with him.. and of course, he ends up falling in love with her too.
Now, he is a violent person, not only he gets into fights at the tiniest chance, he does have some slight violent behavior towards her. 

and this is what bothers me...

when she confronts him with his violent attitude his answer is "I have already seen two counsels, I think that just how I'm wired"..really? like... REALLY?

I take it the story is the fantasy of every single teenage girl... it was mine too.. but is that what we want to tell little girls now? just because he is fucking smoking hot it is ok to accept that behavior??

women are naturally build to try to fix broken people but encouraging that? sorry, maybe I am being oversensitive with this... or maybe I missed the message here, but to me that is completely wrong.

nobody, men or women, should take on violent behavior whatsoever... there is absolutely no reason we should just accept that.. no matter how hot the guy is.