what is wrong.... with me?

 I have never felt so disconnected to  my family as I'm feeling right now

I can feel how slowly I'm drifting away... I see them struggling or into what I think must be pain... and I'm numb... I can't get myself to do something for them

For such a long time now, I have been alone, with no friends; and that was ok with me. I had my family...

I relied on them, I felt stronger because of them. All the criticism they did, of how my friends treated me, how my colleagues treated, how my boss or other people at work treated me... all of that had slowly permeated in me

All those things they repeated over an over again that were wrong.. that I should not allow other people to do to me... I realized... they were doing it to me

Realization of this hurted so much,.,

Realizing so many things I've been putting up to where first done to me by them. By the people that is supposed to love me the most. How was I supposed to put an end on this? when it is the only way of living that I have ever known...

She keeps saying things that hurt so deeply, she keeps doing things that are leaving so many scars. I try not to think about it, I try to keep repeating to my self... I must love her... I must endure all this just because Im supposed to. But there are moments when it just feels like enough.

Im numb... I'm back to that state I was 18 years ago, where I don't want words and actions to hurt me. I refuse to be in pain anymore.

I'm numb to all those words that belittle me, I'm numb to all those actions that show that everybody else is more important than me and my kid.

The sad part is... as much as this numbness helps me not to feel hurt, it also blocks me to feel any motivation to help. 

I do not wish any bad thing to anyone... I just do not have the energy to help, all the energy I have goes invested into me making it over one more day... one day at a time

I feel trapped more often than not. Trapped in this eternal moment of trying to run away but not being able to do it. Things have changed... the hope of being every day closer to that goal keeps me going. I want to leave behind that version of me that was always running away, instead, Im preparing, Im preparing to set myself free.. for once and for all

I want to do it right, I want to do it because it will be the best thing for everyone, but I wont be running away, I will be flying free to the state where I want to be, and I must stay positive.. because everyday I'm getting closer to that point. 

I don't care if they miss me or if they will regret losing me... Im not interested on that, Im not doing it to teach a lesson to anyone, I need to do this because it will be the best thing, for my kid and me.

We will be under our own rules and our own struggles. And finding our own ways to make it through

I just don't have more energy to deal with all this, I feel like a shell.. complete dead and empty inside. 

2022 - The year of the never-ending challenge

 I`ve been going through some of my old posts... a few things have change.. others not so much

I do not work as many hours as I used to.. but I`m still working more than I should

I dropped French... but planning to retake it by mid 2023

I completed my 6 Sigma training but did not make it to the certification. I have enrolled into GB again and I'm planning to make it happen successfully this time

I still hope more often than not that I would get fired... but at least I do not cry anymore

I finally have the money to buy a car for my kid... but have not bought it yet.. not even enrolled him in driving lessons

Work has been getting  a lot more challenging and demanding month over month. Feels like the more I give, the more then need/want. Yet, somehow I have managed to just set a limit and give an acceptable amount of time. The old me who would work 14-16 hours a day, 7 days of the week is GONE

My kid made it through high school!!!!

Ever since the lockdown started, I made sure to follow it. I would only go out when strictly necessary. This year though, I did try to go out a bit more. I wonder why, every time I go out, no matter where I go, I would always see someone who looks just like him. I seriously miss him.

As I'm not getting fired, I'm planning to quit. I have started some other courses so I can be prepared for a new role. I remember someone saying or reading somewhere ¨if you don't like it where you are, move. You are not a tree¨... so yeah, I'm not a tree

I'm scared of 2023 and not feeling the least bit of excitement about it. It was better when I was incredibly miserable and had to talk myself that next year would be a good year. That was exciting

we`ll see what comes next...

it`s all fading away...

 recently I saw you again...in a dream,.,

I saw you walking away, but immediately recognized you.. your hair.. your bright green polo shirt...  your broad shoulders... I did not try to call you or stop you; I just stood there, watching you walk away. In my dream.. I knew I was dreaming, and I knew that was my only chance to get to see you again.

When I woke up I realized so many of your features are now fading away from my memory. The sound of your voice, of your laughter, your smell. It´s weird how those memories are so hard to bring back, but I can still remember how our first kiss felt, the warmth of your body when you used to hug me from behind, the coolness of your sweat drops falling on my face, the weight of your hand on my hip when we were in bed...

I miss you. Some days more than others. The busier I try to be the most I miss you. I cant keep myself from thinking.. what if? would things have been different if I was there? we will never know..

Is this widow-like feeling ever going away?

I wonder...

..,will I ever stop feeling like a widow?

                                                   .., I miss you.

Dreams or messages

Recently I read a random post saying if you remember your dream, then it was not a dream but a message.

You came to my dream last night, it`s been a while I haven't see you. 

In my head I still have the image of your face smiling, I can recall the texture of your skin and even how all these thoughts were jumping in my mind while watching you there.

You looked so comfortable there, just taking care of everything and being your cool self as you always were. I kept on thinking.. why is he here,., with me? how did this happened that we are at this point, again?

I can still remember how my body was responding to having you. there, knowing I could touch you

Even though it was so random we were there together, it felt right. It made me feel like everything had finally become the way they were supposed to be. 

I wonder what`s the message behind this dream I refuse to let go,.,

I wonder if I have ever been in somebody`s dreams...

If I could give up..

 This is heavy, I wish I could drop everything and just give up. 

Sunday nights, I cry...

Every night, I cant sleep...

Every morning, getting out of bed it`s getting harder and harder..

I cant remember ever feeling so miserable,., we need to find something to look forward to

If not,., I`ll die

                                                                                                       dropping is not an option..

Something in the rain

 There`s something in the rain,., it holds a special place in my heart. what is it with rain and us?

When it rains.. I think of the first time I liked a boy and the first time I realized I was falling in love with my best friend,., rain makes me feel.. clean... it gives me a fresh start every time. I had missed the rain,.,

A suggestion from Netflix got my attention recently, and started watching this show ( I thought it was a movie though) and as usual, couldn`t stop watching until I was done with all 16 episodes

Ever since I came back home, years years ago, I had not allowed myself to watch romantic stuff. I would only allow myself to watch Sex and the city, the movie and only when I was feeling seriously depressed. For some time now, I have felt a lot stronger and started  rewatching some old movies and shows, but I would focus on some other story lines rather than immersing myself on the romantic side; but this show.. damn, it took me full circle.. craving to go through that process of falling in love all over again, as well as reliving the excruciating pain of  a break up.

Great writing, acting and casting.. A kdrama lover might have been born