forgive and forget

And this post is supposed to be an excercise of forgiving, but before I start with that I have to say...

I just read that last post I submitted back in November and let me tell you, WHAT.A.DUMB.BITCH I was... me all romantic and as stupid as I can be. thinking he was smiling for real just when being with me.. and you know what he was doing while I was posting that bunch of horse-shit? FUCKING WITH HER! HA!

there`s your real smile that goes all the way to the eyes you stupid bitch! HOW did I NOT see that?

you know what? I knew it.. I saw it.. I just decided to ignore it... that much I know him, and that is why it didn't come as a surprise when I knew he was seeing her and even less when I saw his post all depressed, feeling shamed of himself cause he let her cheat on him AGAIN!

so..forgiving myself,., there`s where this is supposed to be going..

And I guess, that original idea will be postponed but, I want to forgive myself for making me lose such a long time waiting. 

waiting for someone who was not looking for me
waiting for someone who wants to be loved but not by me
waiting for someone who longs to feel wanted but not by me

I want to forgive myself for feeling less than a person when

someone felt it was better to go back with someone who cheated on him than being with me
someone decided I am not worth enough to work hard to get himself healthy
someone feels my love is not good enough to share it for the rest of his life

I want to forgive myself

for crying while typing this
for dedicating songs to someone who doesn't wanna hear them
for making plans with someone who doesn't wanna hear them
for wanting to fight for someone who doesn't even have the courage to tell me he is not interested
for not letting go

I have to let go.. I am letting go.. I forgive you...

That smile...

And after all this time I realized something.  His smile on his pictures with me was different than the one on his pictures with her.

With me his smile would go all the way to his eyes.

That's the part I always loved of him smiling or laughing. How his eyes would bright and then almost close... he has the most beautiful and sweetest smile I have ever seen.

I just know it

Im not really sure how many sessions I have been on so far... but I can tell how much it has helped.

It is weird how talking with someone (the appropriate someone) can help you so much. The same things that have been right infront of you, now you just... see them clearly.

I have never been so sure about something  in my life, as I am about this Im now ready to share.

Love is not in the cards for me, and Im cool with that.

I found love in the most unexpected place .. in the most unexpected person.. and I fucked up, BIG TIME.

At the time, I was lost and wasnt paying attention to what really matters. It took 4 years of self assesment and introspection to understand what I had and what I had lost.

He is the love of my life, and I know that because, even though friendship is the only thing he can offer me, I am willing to take it, as long as I can keep him in my life. The fact of knowing I can reach out, make sure he is ok, offer my help, gives me comfort.

Therapy has given me that. It has empowered me to understand my feelings, and that has been ... liberating. There`s this really strange.. inner peace you get, when you come to terms with what you feel and what you know it is true.

It has been a hard path to walk, but I have learned so much about myself. Even though I am tempted to say "I wish I could go back", I would never changed what I`ve learned, what I`ve grow and the person I have become after all these years...

What comes ahead, it is gonna be good,., I just know it!

Mission....acomplished?

I don't know if I can call ' t like that.

When the person you think is your soulmate...the one you want to have next to you when something good..bad...or just when life happens....you want them to be the one next to you.. you just can't have them. Why? Well.. cause they only love you as a friend. ..

I wanted him to be with me today so bad. It was a hard test to go through.

I cried before leaving and was able to hold the tears while out with my friends...yet...he was always on my mind.

Can it be called mission accomplished just because I did not contact him?

World suicide prevention day

I didn't know there was a world suicide prevention day. Now you know it too, it is today.

As I watch multiple videos across Facebook, trying their best to prevent this. I can't help but to think.. how many people around me, maybe not necessarily thinking about suicide.. but definitely feeling at their shittiest lowest?

Those nice videos share how relatives and loved ones remember those who found their way out through suicide. All of them share the same type of stories, how they looked so happy, full of energy, hope, fun and compassion for others.
They all explain how they are not able to wrap in their heads how they missed the signs. they were looking so full of life.. full of love.. how did they miss it?

And now they all share what they wish they could tell those they have now lost.

At first I thought, I wish someone would show and tell me those things they are saying, tell them to me now that I am alive, that I can still be rescued. Then I thought..I can make that happen, but what I CAN do is, tell those I love what they mean to me, and as I can't make them see themselves through my eyes, at least I can tell them how they look from my perspective.

I will be posting one by one, as I want them to have a special meaning. And for them to really reflect what`s in my heart for those I love. I dont want to post them in any specific order, so Ill just post them randomly.

what is it with me?

I act like a moth to a flame with men. I know he will hurt me, I know he doesn`t love me, he might care but not the way I wish he would.

 I can`t just keep myself out of this downward spiral

Welcome to the club

"some things aren`t just going my way"

And to that I say...Ain`t that everybody`s life?

let me give you a short list of all the things that are just not going my way...

• No matter my efforts a salary increase at work it just does not happen
• I insist on going back with someone who clearly has absolutely no interest in me
• My body is giving up and have no resources to stop that.. I`m just slowly witnessing how it is just coming down in pieces...
• I finally let someone in just to realize everything was fake.. and I fell for it
• The kid... this weird combination of the only best thing I have in my life but at the same time can take me down to hell just as easy...

this week was one of those.. when you feel like you hit bottom.. but you did not actually hit bottom, you just crashed with a rock and your real misery is still waiting for you, patiently waiting while you keep going down this free fall...

On Tuesday I found myself crying in the livingroom, the walk from the stairs to the couch was full of the most excruciating pain. One foot with these awful pain spasm nobody can figure out what they are about..the other in huge need of a surgery I have no way to get it done. I cried...realizing how useless and powerless I felt.. I.COULD.NOT.WALK

so if you are reading this.... and you can walk.. DON`T GIVE IT FOR GRANTED!

so.. things aren`t going your way? guess what? things are pretty much not going anybody`s way. I think, that`s life. It loves being a total bitch.

Even though today I have allowed myself to cry.. I cried while watching a rom-com thinking no one will ever love me, hug me and stare at my eyes with this look of never having watched anything more beautiful in his life... I cried while yet again I put my dignity aside begging someone to spend time with me just to be reminded again how much he doesn`t care... I cried out the most stupid things today.. there was no soda.. the kid was leaving a mess behind him everywhere he was going... I cried.. I`m crying.. and pretty much will keep on crying till I fall asleep..but just today. That`s all I allow myself to do.

Because even though things aren`t going my way, I refuse to stay here... If plan A doesn`t want me.. I`ll go for plan B.. whatever that will be..