bucket list

And just as it came ..it went..

I have finally checked an item on my bucket list. Once I got the green light from my travel buddy, the count down began. I felt like a little kid waiting for Christmas. 

We left for two days but damn..that was the best weekend I've had in a long long time.

The show was everything I had expected and even more. I got watery eyes when coming into the dome and when the show started...damn.. I couldn't help a few tears coming down. I was there...in Guatemala..watching Cirque du Soleil...

you are the Jaime to my Brianne

Today's GoT episode totally fucked me up...

It touched a thread I had manage to keep idle for a while now. I knew I wasn't over it but it was there, you know.. just slowly fading... but today.. it was like seing myself on that screen.

And if you have absolutely no idea what I am talking about.. let me briefly introduce you to today's main event... Jaime Lannister fucked Brianne of tarth.. the virgin Brianne of Tarth... she loved him.. she loved him so deeply.. and he might have loved her too. But instead, he decided to go back to his twisted fucked up sister.

and that is why I am feeling so fucked up...

Brianne loved him, loved him so much. She accepted him for who he was, she saw the real him underneath all the flaws he has. behind everything he had been and done, she loved him for real and brought the best of him,., but he, he believed... I dont know what he belives.. I don't know what is in his head...

I just know she loved him with all her heart..she loves him and accepts him for everything he is, but he decided to leave her to go back to a woman who only uses him ,., a woman who doesn't love him and only wants to keep him under her will,., a woman who has no respect for who he is and what he has endure to be where he is now...

just like the man I love decided to do... 

                                                                                you are the Jaime to my Brianne...

forgive and forget

And this post is supposed to be an excercise of forgiving, but before I start with that I have to say...

I just read that last post I submitted back in November and let me tell you, WHAT.A.DUMB.BITCH I was... me all romantic and as stupid as I can be. thinking he was smiling for real just when being with me.. and you know what he was doing while I was posting that bunch of horse-shit? FUCKING WITH HER! HA!

there`s your real smile that goes all the way to the eyes you stupid bitch! HOW did I NOT see that?

you know what? I knew it.. I saw it.. I just decided to ignore it... that much I know him, and that is why it didn't come as a surprise when I knew he was seeing her and even less when I saw his post all depressed, feeling shamed of himself cause he let her cheat on him AGAIN!

so..forgiving myself,., there`s where this is supposed to be going..

And I guess, that original idea will be postponed but, I want to forgive myself for making me lose such a long time waiting. 

waiting for someone who was not looking for me
waiting for someone who wants to be loved but not by me
waiting for someone who longs to feel wanted but not by me

I want to forgive myself for feeling less than a person when

someone felt it was better to go back with someone who cheated on him than being with me
someone decided I am not worth enough to work hard to get himself healthy
someone feels my love is not good enough to share it for the rest of his life

I want to forgive myself

for crying while typing this
for dedicating songs to someone who doesn't wanna hear them
for making plans with someone who doesn't wanna hear them
for wanting to fight for someone who doesn't even have the courage to tell me he is not interested
for not letting go

I have to let go.. I am letting go.. I forgive you...

That smile...

And after all this time I realized something.  His smile on his pictures with me was different than the one on his pictures with her.

With me his smile would go all the way to his eyes.

That's the part I always loved of him smiling or laughing. How his eyes would bright and then almost close... he has the most beautiful and sweetest smile I have ever seen.

I just know it

Im not really sure how many sessions I have been on so far... but I can tell how much it has helped.

It is weird how talking with someone (the appropriate someone) can help you so much. The same things that have been right infront of you, now you just... see them clearly.

I have never been so sure about something  in my life, as I am about this Im now ready to share.

Love is not in the cards for me, and Im cool with that.

I found love in the most unexpected place .. in the most unexpected person.. and I fucked up, BIG TIME.

At the time, I was lost and wasnt paying attention to what really matters. It took 4 years of self assesment and introspection to understand what I had and what I had lost.

He is the love of my life, and I know that because, even though friendship is the only thing he can offer me, I am willing to take it, as long as I can keep him in my life. The fact of knowing I can reach out, make sure he is ok, offer my help, gives me comfort.

Therapy has given me that. It has empowered me to understand my feelings, and that has been ... liberating. There`s this really strange.. inner peace you get, when you come to terms with what you feel and what you know it is true.

It has been a hard path to walk, but I have learned so much about myself. Even though I am tempted to say "I wish I could go back", I would never changed what I`ve learned, what I`ve grow and the person I have become after all these years...

What comes ahead, it is gonna be good,., I just know it!

Mission....acomplished?

I don't know if I can call ' t like that.

When the person you think is your soulmate...the one you want to have next to you when something good..bad...or just when life happens....you want them to be the one next to you.. you just can't have them. Why? Well.. cause they only love you as a friend. ..

I wanted him to be with me today so bad. It was a hard test to go through.

I cried before leaving and was able to hold the tears while out with my friends...yet...he was always on my mind.

Can it be called mission accomplished just because I did not contact him?

World suicide prevention day

I didn't know there was a world suicide prevention day. Now you know it too, it is today.

As I watch multiple videos across Facebook, trying their best to prevent this. I can't help but to think.. how many people around me, maybe not necessarily thinking about suicide.. but definitely feeling at their shittiest lowest?

Those nice videos share how relatives and loved ones remember those who found their way out through suicide. All of them share the same type of stories, how they looked so happy, full of energy, hope, fun and compassion for others.
They all explain how they are not able to wrap in their heads how they missed the signs. they were looking so full of life.. full of love.. how did they miss it?

And now they all share what they wish they could tell those they have now lost.

At first I thought, I wish someone would show and tell me those things they are saying, tell them to me now that I am alive, that I can still be rescued. Then I thought..I can make that happen, but what I CAN do is, tell those I love what they mean to me, and as I can't make them see themselves through my eyes, at least I can tell them how they look from my perspective.

I will be posting one by one, as I want them to have a special meaning. And for them to really reflect what`s in my heart for those I love. I dont want to post them in any specific order, so Ill just post them randomly.